(no subject)
Why is October also out to be a shitty month?
Birthday month is not susposed to go foul. And I am susposed to not be bothered by things that I don't want to be bothered by. This weekend went so great.
It was the Teach the World about Chiropractic seminar... its a club I am in. It is run by a pair of God-fearing men on a mission to.... drum roll please... teach the world about chiropractic. I was so pumped up! Kristin was even appearing to be changing, even talking about leaving Jack. But, I am a fool to believe that she would do something good for herself.
I don't understand things and for that I am not a smart person. Where I should follow my own advise to her and leave her out of my life, she should also do the same and leave his life. He doesn't support her. From the very begining, I got the feel that he only want her body. And given how he treats the rest of her, I do not feel I am capable of believing anything other than that. But, she won't see it. There is no one capable of talking to her about what is apparently "my" side except me. Everyone else, who she appears to believe is not biased, is friends with Jack. I am quite angered that to Jack, I am nothing more than (and I quote) a "fag." While she won't stand up for that, when he is most angered it still slips.
I don't know why I keep doing this to myself, except for the fact that I want to. I don't want to see her get hurt the ways he is capable of hurting her. But I feel too guilty and too close to leave. The people closest to me give me flack for still talking to her, especially since I am looking for the flack. I just want friends. I don't want to be with anyone, especially right now and I can't explain that. But, I need friends. I am so fast to jump back where I am "comfortable" when it comes to Kristin. Where I am comfortable is a place that is dangerous for me. But, I am not comfortable not being friends with Kristin and I am not comfortable having someone as more than my friend right now.
I say that, but I know there is falsehood in it and I know everyone sees through it, but it doesn't mean I can say it. I am much better at being vague and talking in metaphors than I am being blunt. Being blunt leads to misinterpretation; metaphors garantees it. What does this mean? I am no closer to knowing than any of you, so please don't ask me to explain it:) I'd often like to not need to speak in metaphors, but I think that is what life is.
Birthday month is not susposed to go foul. And I am susposed to not be bothered by things that I don't want to be bothered by. This weekend went so great.
It was the Teach the World about Chiropractic seminar... its a club I am in. It is run by a pair of God-fearing men on a mission to.... drum roll please... teach the world about chiropractic. I was so pumped up! Kristin was even appearing to be changing, even talking about leaving Jack. But, I am a fool to believe that she would do something good for herself.
I don't understand things and for that I am not a smart person. Where I should follow my own advise to her and leave her out of my life, she should also do the same and leave his life. He doesn't support her. From the very begining, I got the feel that he only want her body. And given how he treats the rest of her, I do not feel I am capable of believing anything other than that. But, she won't see it. There is no one capable of talking to her about what is apparently "my" side except me. Everyone else, who she appears to believe is not biased, is friends with Jack. I am quite angered that to Jack, I am nothing more than (and I quote) a "fag." While she won't stand up for that, when he is most angered it still slips.
I don't know why I keep doing this to myself, except for the fact that I want to. I don't want to see her get hurt the ways he is capable of hurting her. But I feel too guilty and too close to leave. The people closest to me give me flack for still talking to her, especially since I am looking for the flack. I just want friends. I don't want to be with anyone, especially right now and I can't explain that. But, I need friends. I am so fast to jump back where I am "comfortable" when it comes to Kristin. Where I am comfortable is a place that is dangerous for me. But, I am not comfortable not being friends with Kristin and I am not comfortable having someone as more than my friend right now.
I say that, but I know there is falsehood in it and I know everyone sees through it, but it doesn't mean I can say it. I am much better at being vague and talking in metaphors than I am being blunt. Being blunt leads to misinterpretation; metaphors garantees it. What does this mean? I am no closer to knowing than any of you, so please don't ask me to explain it:) I'd often like to not need to speak in metaphors, but I think that is what life is.