Why I Don't Sleep
I had another nightmare last night.
I was at a park, pushing Henry in a baby swing. Zac and Earl were at the park, too, but somewhere else. We were in California, somewhere really hilly, like San Francisco. The park was in a flat, depressed, grassy square at the bottom of a big grassy hill. At the top of the hill, there were lots of big houses, like the Painted Ladies, so I am really thinking it was supposed to be San Fran. The houses were far away and there were lots of them, in layers, up past the top of the hill.
I was pushing Henry and chatting with a friend who was standing next to me. It was a real person who I know, but not someone I would likely be at a park with. She was talking about a rash of fires in the area lately and saying that, even though it was devastating, most of the buildings were old and structurally unsound anyway. I vaguely remember thinking the fires were a coincidence of other tragic, world happenings when I noticed smoke coming from the houses on the hill. But it didn't really look like smoke. It was too thick and round and was spreading too fast. It ran through the rooftops of ALL the houses in a neat row and I realized it wasn't smoke, but debris from the houses rapidly collapsing. It looked like we were witnessing a massive earthquake. Then, the debris started rolling, more like flowing, down the hill right towards us. There was a mass of concrete the size of half a house heading right for me and absolutely nowhere safe to run. It happened so fast. Henry was still in the swing behind me. I didn't even try to get him out. I watched the mass getting closer and said to my friend "This is how I'm going to die". I felt the breeze of it and saw nothing but this wall of white right on top of me.
In the next image, I am wearing nothing but my olive capris (my favorite pants) and I am in Hell. The Devil comes over to me. He is a short, ugly man with mottled pink and brown skin and long white hairs coming out in odd places. He actually looks kind of like a 5 foot tall Chinese Crested dog. He has a clipboard and he asks me to follow him. As we're walking to his office, I am surprised and comment that it doesn't seem that bad here. He sighs, sounds bored, and tells me he's on his way to torturing and humiliating me. He sits down at his desk and I sit on a bench across from him. He tells me he has the souls of my children. He tells me that I have to choose one to spend eternity with me in Hell and that the other will spend eternity wandering, lost in Hell, and hopelessly searching for me. I freak out. Eventually, I choose Henry. The Devil says "Fine" and points to the bench next to me. Zac is sitting there. Henry is now damned to an eternity of searching for me in Hell while Zac will be with me always, but will always hate me because he heard me choose his brother over him.
I woke up at 2:30am, heart pounding, tears in my eyes. I wanted to wake Earl up, but he had a good snore going on, so I checked on Henry, wished Zac were at our house (always), and hugged the closest dog (Susie - pushy little bitch). Then, I spent the next hour and a half thinking about Sophie's Choice. And the scene in Poisonwood Bible with the army ants, where the mother explains her desperate decision by saying you always protect your kids from the youngest up. And I pestered myself with all kinds of guilt and accusations over whether I really had a favorite.
About 4:00am, I decided that my favorite dog was Simba. I was okay knowing that; it didn't make me a bad person, so I could go back to sleep.
I was at a park, pushing Henry in a baby swing. Zac and Earl were at the park, too, but somewhere else. We were in California, somewhere really hilly, like San Francisco. The park was in a flat, depressed, grassy square at the bottom of a big grassy hill. At the top of the hill, there were lots of big houses, like the Painted Ladies, so I am really thinking it was supposed to be San Fran. The houses were far away and there were lots of them, in layers, up past the top of the hill.
I was pushing Henry and chatting with a friend who was standing next to me. It was a real person who I know, but not someone I would likely be at a park with. She was talking about a rash of fires in the area lately and saying that, even though it was devastating, most of the buildings were old and structurally unsound anyway. I vaguely remember thinking the fires were a coincidence of other tragic, world happenings when I noticed smoke coming from the houses on the hill. But it didn't really look like smoke. It was too thick and round and was spreading too fast. It ran through the rooftops of ALL the houses in a neat row and I realized it wasn't smoke, but debris from the houses rapidly collapsing. It looked like we were witnessing a massive earthquake. Then, the debris started rolling, more like flowing, down the hill right towards us. There was a mass of concrete the size of half a house heading right for me and absolutely nowhere safe to run. It happened so fast. Henry was still in the swing behind me. I didn't even try to get him out. I watched the mass getting closer and said to my friend "This is how I'm going to die". I felt the breeze of it and saw nothing but this wall of white right on top of me.
In the next image, I am wearing nothing but my olive capris (my favorite pants) and I am in Hell. The Devil comes over to me. He is a short, ugly man with mottled pink and brown skin and long white hairs coming out in odd places. He actually looks kind of like a 5 foot tall Chinese Crested dog. He has a clipboard and he asks me to follow him. As we're walking to his office, I am surprised and comment that it doesn't seem that bad here. He sighs, sounds bored, and tells me he's on his way to torturing and humiliating me. He sits down at his desk and I sit on a bench across from him. He tells me he has the souls of my children. He tells me that I have to choose one to spend eternity with me in Hell and that the other will spend eternity wandering, lost in Hell, and hopelessly searching for me. I freak out. Eventually, I choose Henry. The Devil says "Fine" and points to the bench next to me. Zac is sitting there. Henry is now damned to an eternity of searching for me in Hell while Zac will be with me always, but will always hate me because he heard me choose his brother over him.
I woke up at 2:30am, heart pounding, tears in my eyes. I wanted to wake Earl up, but he had a good snore going on, so I checked on Henry, wished Zac were at our house (always), and hugged the closest dog (Susie - pushy little bitch). Then, I spent the next hour and a half thinking about Sophie's Choice. And the scene in Poisonwood Bible with the army ants, where the mother explains her desperate decision by saying you always protect your kids from the youngest up. And I pestered myself with all kinds of guilt and accusations over whether I really had a favorite.
About 4:00am, I decided that my favorite dog was Simba. I was okay knowing that; it didn't make me a bad person, so I could go back to sleep.