(no subject)
there are no amount of words, i could use to describe this feeling. i know other people have been through it, i've seen it. but like almost everything in life, you never expect it to happen to you.
you might think i'm dramatic and you may not understand why i think and react the way i do, but no one is exactly the same and no one will ever really know what truly goes on in someone else's brain. it's a provocative and frustrating concept. especially for one who wishes to know everything about everyone and why they work the way they do. starting with myself is the key. i think i know myself fairly well, but expressing it, comes with great difficulty.
the anxiety. it's not real. its a deffensive coping method. sure, i've always gotten easily nervous, or more nervous than the person next to me would admit, for school plays, track meets, presentations, etc; but its been a useful motivation that has often helped me to try harder and succeed. i hated the feeling of wanting to throw up before every race, but the adrenaline acids, eating away at my insides, created emotions that sent me flying. This is what my life has been like.
I somehow got to a point where it became easy to use the anxiety, when words and other actions, depending on the situation and those involved, became too much.
I became someone, who could not walk away, and instead, postponed myself through letting my body temporarily shut down, physically and mentally.
this is all a preamble for what is to come. explaining how i really feel about the current situations that have recently risen in my life. i hate holding it inside. what you see is not, what you get.
there is nothing i could verbalize, that will ever get across to you, what i feel and what its like going through this. alone. my book is missing a page.
you might think i'm dramatic and you may not understand why i think and react the way i do, but no one is exactly the same and no one will ever really know what truly goes on in someone else's brain. it's a provocative and frustrating concept. especially for one who wishes to know everything about everyone and why they work the way they do. starting with myself is the key. i think i know myself fairly well, but expressing it, comes with great difficulty.
the anxiety. it's not real. its a deffensive coping method. sure, i've always gotten easily nervous, or more nervous than the person next to me would admit, for school plays, track meets, presentations, etc; but its been a useful motivation that has often helped me to try harder and succeed. i hated the feeling of wanting to throw up before every race, but the adrenaline acids, eating away at my insides, created emotions that sent me flying. This is what my life has been like.
I somehow got to a point where it became easy to use the anxiety, when words and other actions, depending on the situation and those involved, became too much.
I became someone, who could not walk away, and instead, postponed myself through letting my body temporarily shut down, physically and mentally.
this is all a preamble for what is to come. explaining how i really feel about the current situations that have recently risen in my life. i hate holding it inside. what you see is not, what you get.
there is nothing i could verbalize, that will ever get across to you, what i feel and what its like going through this. alone. my book is missing a page.