Miss you mom...
It is time... It is now...10 years ago, my wonderful mother passed from this earth into heaven. It was the day before Thanksgiving, her favorite holiday because she LOVED to cook. I went to her grave at dusk today. I talked to her...knowing she isn't there to listen... Even all these years later, when I think of something to tell her, I still start
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They change who we are, and how we feel, and what we know. There are a thousand thousand things that we think are ourselves, but which are actually in the shape of things we've gotten from other people, imprints of their lives on our own.
We tend to think of ourselves as being made of lumps of meat and clay - even people who devoutly believe in religions tend to still think and act as if all we are is the moral, solid parts of us.
But we're not just that. We use our brains to think with, but the thing that counts isn't the brain, or it's connections - it's the experiences and perceptions of self and life that happen in the brain - and that changes all the time.
One of those changes is the memories we accumulate, and how they change us, our views, our happiness, our goals, our direction, our moral compass... and our loved ones have the greatest power to change those things.
Part of your mother is written right into your brain, and has become part of who you are. And when you're kind or good, or loving to others, part of that is all you, and part of it is the love she passed to you.
So no, she's probably not by the grave, specifically, because she's there in your heart, your memory, your own kindness. And part of you, and her, passes into everyone you touch in life.
And people touch each other all the time, every day, in ways they don't know, and subtle bits of themselves and everyone they know has passed along that way.
All that intellectual/philosophical wandering aside, not much really comforts us completely when we don't have that person beside us any more, to see and talk to. It hurts less over time, but there's no substitute in philosophy for having the person still be there.
But I have found that when we focus on how much we loved someone, how much they were worth to us, more than how much we've lost because they're not around, it hurts less and heals faster.
Grief doesn't always need to heal completely in order to be done right, either. In fact, I suspect that part of doing it right is that we always feel a little sad at missing someone who is worth missing. If we stopped feeling that, we're probably not doing it right.
I'm sorry you feel bad.
But I'm glad you had a mom special and good enough that you'll always miss her, and always keep her in your heart.
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