What? No, I... [A shake of his head and a dismissive wave of one hand.] Never mind; I'm just... talking. [Smearing one hand down his face and cupping the flowers in the other, he sighs heavily and slides off the arm of the couch, leaning back into it and letting his hands fall into his lap.]
Thanks. [It's still so hard for him to say.] I think maybe I needed these.
[Forget-me-not. That's right--that's what he always wanted. He wanted everyone to remember him. He would be immortal if they all remembered him. Isa had thought the flowers were kind of cheesy, but Lea had insisted he would be like those flowers, and he would live forever, because no one would forget him.
But they did. Because he'd screwed up. Isa was gone--he'd forgotten himself, never mind his old friend. Roxas had forgotten him, too. Had he gone that far astray? He hates himself--literally. Lea hates him, and that's almost worse than the standard sort of self-loathing. This isn't what he wanted. This is supposed to be his second chance, his fresh start, his big opportunity to set things right. So why is it he just seems to be digging the hole deeper?]
[Something is most definitely wrong, and Xion frowns slightly as she moves to settle next to him on the couch, watching him carefully.]
What happened? [Her voice is quiet, and she's really hoping he won't give her the run-around this time. She's used to it, truly, and she's used to prodding a little extra to get whatever's wrong out of him. But this...this looks like something worse than usual. He's just...so dejected.
She glances down at the flowers in his hands, and she smiles a bit. At least she knew something small helped.]
Nothing, really. [He doesn't look at her.] Nothing new, anyway. I'm just a huge asshole who has the rare pleasure of being literally haunted by his past, and it's reared its head way too many times in the past week.
[He sort of groans, covering his eyes with one palm and then letting his hand slide down his face, closing his fingers around the hair that hung down by his temple and tugging on it slowly until it makes the roots ache.]
Lea's just pissed at me again. I'm so sick of arguing with him I kinda wanna put him in a box and shove him under the bed til he learns a little common sense.
[Xion can't help a little laugh at the mental image of Lea crammed into a cardboard box. It might have done him a little good, really.]
You're not an...asshole, Axel. [Well, that was weird to say. Actually, she wasn't even sure what it meant, completely, but it seemed like it was along the same lines of "jerk."]
Lea's just scared. All the time. But it isn't your fault, okay?
[He makes a noise somewhere between a cough and a laugh--it's funnier than it should be to hear that word come out of Xion's mouth.]
I am, though. Always have been. Know why? Defense mechanism. [He reaches over and taps the crown of her head with two fingers.] Some people, though, don't seem to know a good brick wall when they run into it, and they end up climbing over it or breaking it down or some other such nonsense. [He folds his arms and harrumphs.] I know it's not my fault. I'm just sick of catching nothing but flak when I try and keep him from blowing it the way I did.
[Why he can't just bring himself to tell Lea the whole big ugly story is a mystery to him. He could tell him everything; give the kid nightmares for months. That'd shut him up nicely. But he can't do it--he just. can't. do it. And he can't decide if that adds to the assholiness or detracts from it.]
[She blinks at him, rubbing at her head as he pulls away his hand.] Sometimes it's good to let the wall down, though, right? [At least she thinks so.]
Maybe he won't be so bad about it when stuff winds down? [Because lately, it's just seemed like one whirlwind after another of some sort of mess or disaster. It seemed like Lea just needed a proper cooling-off period.]
[He lifts his empty hand into the air.] I worked so hard putting it up, though. Nobody appreciates good craftsmanship like that anymore!
[His hand falls back into his lap then and he lets his head loll back against the wall with a thud.] Maybe it's good I never had any siblings; I suck at this keeping kids out of trouble thing. [Prearranged shenanigans were one thing, but trying to keep Lea from destroying himself was a full time job Axel hadn't asked for.
He glances at Xion then.]
You think I should just let him butter his own bread? [It's as honest a question as he's ever asked.] I've been tryin' so hard to keep him from winding up in my shoes that it almost feels like I'm pushing him down the same road myself. [He rubs at his temple, grimacing.] This reverse psychology crap is giving me one helluva migraine.
[Xion laughs lightly, shaking her head at him. Even when he was serious, Axel could just be so silly -- but, what was he said a moment ago? "Defense mechanism?"
She has to think about his question for a while, letting herself lean back against the couch as she reaches over, taking a tiny flower from Axel's lap to play with it.]
Maybe it would be a good idea. It's kind of like he's so focused on...on not being you that it's making it harder.
Maybe I should tell him everything. [He's more talking to himself than Xion.] I dunno, though--in the storybooks, whenever the mysterious figure claiming to be from the future tries to stop said future from happening by telling the protagonist what's to come, it makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy, and we end up stuck in an endless cycle of history repeating itself. [Another groan and he bonks the back of his head against the wall a few times. Why is this so damn hard?]
[Xion knows...next to nothing about whatever storybook Axel's talking about, but it seems like that would make sense.]
Do you think he really wants to hear all that, though? [Because from what Axel had told them about Radiant Garden and its fall, along with the way he'd lost his heart, she didn't know if it was something Lea needed to hear -- at least right now.]
I think he thinks he wants to hear it. I dunno what he'll think once he does, though.
[A sigh and he looks down at the flowers again before leaning forward to set them on the table. Sitting back again, he rubs his fingers absently over his chest, on the left, where his heart should be, where it beats beneath his ribcage but lacks that crucial piece that makes him whole. Or does it? He really doesn't know anymore. Sure, okay, maybe he remembers how to feel guilty, maybe he remembers how to feel frustrated and stressed out... but damn, he's really good at remembering it lately. A little too good, perhaps.
Why is this so difficult? Why can't Lea understand what he's trying to--?
His fingers close in the collar of his tee shirt suddenly.]
Aw hell. [Hello, epiphany. He's doing this for Lea's own good. He's keeping him safe from a self-fulfilling prophecy by keeping the details from him. He's trying to stop him from doing the wrong thing. ... He's doing the same thing to Lea that he did to Roxas. That he swore he wouldn't do to Xion. That he promised himself he wouldn't do anymore. Maybe he thought it was different because Lea is him, and somehow lying to himself didn't sound so bad, because he's been doing it his whole damn life, really, but... Aw, hell.
With a groan, Axel rakes both hands through his hair and doubles over, putting his head between his knees.] Dammit all, I really am an asshole.
[Xion watches Axel fidget and think, until he quite obviously realizes something.]
Axel? [She blinks at him when he leans so far forward, and Xion does the same, tilting her head to look at him while bent forward, her short hair falling slightly into her eyes.]
What do you mean? [Why's he really an asshole? Xion's trying to figure out what exactly Axel ended up piecing together.]
[He's staring at the floor, his eyes wide--how could he have been so stupid? He already told himself he wasn't going to do this again, that he wasn't going to keep people in the dark regardless of how much he believed it was for their own good. How did doing it to himself absolve him? Stupid, stupid, stupid!
He sits back up, almost knocking heads with Xion as he does so, and reaches out to take her shoulders. There's a long beat of silence, and then,]
Th... thanks.
[And with that, he grabs the flowers and moves to the kitchen, filling a cup with water and dropping the stems into it before setting it down on the bar and whirling back out into the hall all in one motion. He stops in the ingress to the living room then and meets her eye.]
I gotta give Lea a little while to cool off... he's pretty pissed at me right now. [With good reason, he supposes...] But I can't stop him from doing what he's gonna do. He might as well be prepared for what to expect. [He points to the one flower still caught in her hands, then grins.] I think all I needed was a little reminder.
[Close call, Xion realizes as her forehead almost connects with Axel's, but she's a little grateful for the hands on her shoulders that keeps that from happening. That...would have hurt.
The thanks surprises her, like it always does, but she just smiles warmly at him, nodding.
As he takes the flowers to the kitchen, she watches him fill the cup and leave the flowers on the bar, and she flops back against the couch, feeling...vaguely satisfied. Whenever she can help Axel, even in a small way, she's impossible glad.]
I think he'll be grateful in the end. [She looks down at the flower, smiling as she runs her fingers over the petals lightly.
But...it really does remind her that she has things to tell him, even if she doesn't want to.
Her smile falters, grip tightening on the forget-me-not.]
[He furrows his brow--uh oh, now she looks unsettled. She hadn't mentioned having anything on her mind, and it wasn't until just now that it really showed on her face, but he's starting to wonder if the flowers weren't some sort of precursor.]
Xion? [He folds his arms and leans against the wall.] Okay, you listened to me, I guess that makes it my turn. [Pause, expectant look.] Don't crush the flower; I'm pretty sure it didn't do anything to you.
She looks up at him, blinking for a moment before she quickly shook her head.]
Oh, no, it's nothing! [Actually, it was pretty far from nothing, but today didn't really seem like the right day to talk about this. Axel was already having a hard time.
She looked back down to her hands and the poor little flower, then relaxed her grip, smoothing back the petals.]
Thanks. [It's still so hard for him to say.] I think maybe I needed these.
[Forget-me-not. That's right--that's what he always wanted. He wanted everyone to remember him. He would be immortal if they all remembered him. Isa had thought the flowers were kind of cheesy, but Lea had insisted he would be like those flowers, and he would live forever, because no one would forget him.
But they did. Because he'd screwed up. Isa was gone--he'd forgotten himself, never mind his old friend. Roxas had forgotten him, too. Had he gone that far astray? He hates himself--literally. Lea hates him, and that's almost worse than the standard sort of self-loathing. This isn't what he wanted. This is supposed to be his second chance, his fresh start, his big opportunity to set things right. So why is it he just seems to be digging the hole deeper?]
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What happened? [Her voice is quiet, and she's really hoping he won't give her the run-around this time. She's used to it, truly, and she's used to prodding a little extra to get whatever's wrong out of him. But this...this looks like something worse than usual. He's just...so dejected.
She glances down at the flowers in his hands, and she smiles a bit. At least she knew something small helped.]
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[He sort of groans, covering his eyes with one palm and then letting his hand slide down his face, closing his fingers around the hair that hung down by his temple and tugging on it slowly until it makes the roots ache.]
Lea's just pissed at me again. I'm so sick of arguing with him I kinda wanna put him in a box and shove him under the bed til he learns a little common sense.
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You're not an...asshole, Axel. [Well, that was weird to say. Actually, she wasn't even sure what it meant, completely, but it seemed like it was along the same lines of "jerk."]
Lea's just scared. All the time. But it isn't your fault, okay?
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I am, though. Always have been. Know why? Defense mechanism. [He reaches over and taps the crown of her head with two fingers.] Some people, though, don't seem to know a good brick wall when they run into it, and they end up climbing over it or breaking it down or some other such nonsense. [He folds his arms and harrumphs.] I know it's not my fault. I'm just sick of catching nothing but flak when I try and keep him from blowing it the way I did.
[Why he can't just bring himself to tell Lea the whole big ugly story is a mystery to him. He could tell him everything; give the kid nightmares for months. That'd shut him up nicely. But he can't do it--he just. can't. do it. And he can't decide if that adds to the assholiness or detracts from it.]
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Maybe he won't be so bad about it when stuff winds down? [Because lately, it's just seemed like one whirlwind after another of some sort of mess or disaster. It seemed like Lea just needed a proper cooling-off period.]
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[His hand falls back into his lap then and he lets his head loll back against the wall with a thud.] Maybe it's good I never had any siblings; I suck at this keeping kids out of trouble thing. [Prearranged shenanigans were one thing, but trying to keep Lea from destroying himself was a full time job Axel hadn't asked for.
He glances at Xion then.]
You think I should just let him butter his own bread? [It's as honest a question as he's ever asked.] I've been tryin' so hard to keep him from winding up in my shoes that it almost feels like I'm pushing him down the same road myself. [He rubs at his temple, grimacing.] This reverse psychology crap is giving me one helluva migraine.
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She has to think about his question for a while, letting herself lean back against the couch as she reaches over, taking a tiny flower from Axel's lap to play with it.]
Maybe it would be a good idea. It's kind of like he's so focused on...on not being you that it's making it harder.
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Do you think he really wants to hear all that, though? [Because from what Axel had told them about Radiant Garden and its fall, along with the way he'd lost his heart, she didn't know if it was something Lea needed to hear -- at least right now.]
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[A sigh and he looks down at the flowers again before leaning forward to set them on the table. Sitting back again, he rubs his fingers absently over his chest, on the left, where his heart should be, where it beats beneath his ribcage but lacks that crucial piece that makes him whole. Or does it? He really doesn't know anymore. Sure, okay, maybe he remembers how to feel guilty, maybe he remembers how to feel frustrated and stressed out... but damn, he's really good at remembering it lately. A little too good, perhaps.
Why is this so difficult? Why can't Lea understand what he's trying to--?
His fingers close in the collar of his tee shirt suddenly.]
Aw hell. [Hello, epiphany. He's doing this for Lea's own good. He's keeping him safe from a self-fulfilling prophecy by keeping the details from him. He's trying to stop him from doing the wrong thing. ... He's doing the same thing to Lea that he did to Roxas. That he swore he wouldn't do to Xion. That he promised himself he wouldn't do anymore. Maybe he thought it was different because Lea is him, and somehow lying to himself didn't sound so bad, because he's been doing it his whole damn life, really, but... Aw, hell.
With a groan, Axel rakes both hands through his hair and doubles over, putting his head between his knees.] Dammit all, I really am an asshole.
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Axel? [She blinks at him when he leans so far forward, and Xion does the same, tilting her head to look at him while bent forward, her short hair falling slightly into her eyes.]
What do you mean? [Why's he really an asshole? Xion's trying to figure out what exactly Axel ended up piecing together.]
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He sits back up, almost knocking heads with Xion as he does so, and reaches out to take her shoulders. There's a long beat of silence, and then,]
Th... thanks.
[And with that, he grabs the flowers and moves to the kitchen, filling a cup with water and dropping the stems into it before setting it down on the bar and whirling back out into the hall all in one motion. He stops in the ingress to the living room then and meets her eye.]
I gotta give Lea a little while to cool off... he's pretty pissed at me right now. [With good reason, he supposes...] But I can't stop him from doing what he's gonna do. He might as well be prepared for what to expect. [He points to the one flower still caught in her hands, then grins.] I think all I needed was a little reminder.
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The thanks surprises her, like it always does, but she just smiles warmly at him, nodding.
As he takes the flowers to the kitchen, she watches him fill the cup and leave the flowers on the bar, and she flops back against the couch, feeling...vaguely satisfied. Whenever she can help Axel, even in a small way, she's impossible glad.]
I think he'll be grateful in the end. [She looks down at the flower, smiling as she runs her fingers over the petals lightly.
But...it really does remind her that she has things to tell him, even if she doesn't want to.
Her smile falters, grip tightening on the forget-me-not.]
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Xion? [He folds his arms and leans against the wall.] Okay, you listened to me, I guess that makes it my turn. [Pause, expectant look.] Don't crush the flower; I'm pretty sure it didn't do anything to you.
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She looks up at him, blinking for a moment before she quickly shook her head.]
Oh, no, it's nothing! [Actually, it was pretty far from nothing, but today didn't really seem like the right day to talk about this. Axel was already having a hard time.
She looked back down to her hands and the poor little flower, then relaxed her grip, smoothing back the petals.]
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