If my life is like a manga, then I think I'm due for a damned love interest
The thing about fiction is that we expect coherent themes.
"I read a good book the other day," you say to a friend.
"Oh?" they will invariably reply. "What was it about?"
Which isn't an unreasonable question, but it's proof -- if anything is -- that fiction bears no resemblance to reality. Quick, in ten words or fewer: your life, what's it about?
So the relationship with Yuuto didn't pan out, as one might have guessed from the lack of further posts on the subject. And honestly, I don't know where things went wrong, which means I'm disappointed, of course, but not devastated. Was it the trannie thing? Was he more put off by that than he let on? (If yes, then I appreciate that he didn't say so, since the absolute last thing I need right now is further proof that nobody wants trannies.) Was it because the sex was bad? Did he just want me to top? Should I have kept my clothes on so he didn't have to see a body still under construction? Was it the next day when I didn't quite know how to deal with him outside of bed? In short, did I manage to find someone who was okay with the trannie thing, only to drive him away on my own merits? (And if so, is that better or worse...?)
At this point, I doubt I'll ever know. And as I said, I'm disappointed by that, but resigned to it. In the end, I still consider the whole affair a net gain -- because if nothing else, I have proved to myself that I am capable of pulling hot guys, even if I haven't quite figured out how to keep them yet. This gives me a small measure of confidence that I'll be able to do it again.
** Possible TMI warning **
However, getting naked with Yuuto also drove home just how profoundly unhappy and insecure I am with my own body. He was perfect. Really. Utterly, unbelievably beautiful, and I'm still sort of bewildered about how I managed to trip him into bed with me.
Whereas I'm... not. To put modesty aside and speak perfectly frankly: I'm hot in clothes. When I've got pants that hug the right places, shirts that are loose around the wrong places, and a binder to hold my chest down, I look damned good. Without clothes, not so much. I'm in that weird, work-in-progress state between a female body and a male one. I still have excess weight in my hips (female) but I've also accumulated a bit of excess weight around my midsection (male, and UNFAIR since that was caused by the cholesterol meds I had to take, for cholesterol that was only fucked up because of T in the first place). And also due to T, my breasts aren't even appealing to people who like such things, because they've lost mass but not surface area. I'm lumpy in the wrong places, and I never felt it more keenly than when I found myself naked and in stark contrast with someone who was everything I wanted to be.
And that's a boner-killer, let me tell you. It doesn't matter how unbelievably hot your partner is. I didn't mention it in the previous post, because I had every confidence that we could improve with practice, but the sex with Yuuto was lousy. I couldn't get into it, and it was my own bloody body issues getting in the way.
So yeah, I'm seriously looking into tits-off surgery now. (Most people call it 'top surgery' but call a spade a fucking spade.) That's why I'm still with Nova. Because their contract is surprisingly generous, and moreover, I'm not finding anything else. The cost seems to range between $5,000 and $18,000, depending on what else you want to package with it. Hysterectomy? Sure. Cock surgery? Stay away from my crotch, kthanxbai. The technology isn't there yet.
So yeah, eventually I'll be going to Thailand for my sex-change surgery. And no, that doesn't get any less skeezy-sounding the more you say it. I'm as bemused as you are.
Oh, transsexuality: weird and improbable and why is this happening to ME? No self-pity in that, just... o_O Seriously, how did I end up like this? That's what I've been thinking since I first realized it, and it's not getting any less true. The funny part is that I have a brochure from my doctor's office, offering a sex change surgery + tour of Thailand as part of an all-in-one package. Visit scenic Thailand! Get your tits off! This is a weird world we live in, people.
***
But recently I was reminded of something else. Specifically, reminded of the time when I was still trying to figure all this the fuck out. And I never thought I'd be nostalgic for that time, but I sort of might be now.
You see, I never wanted to be a trannie.
I was twenty before I realized what my problem was, but it's not like I'd been unaware of the existence of transsexuals -- I just felt no kinship with them. The hotness of homosexuality, on the other hand, I had instantly (if somewhat latently) recognized when I was 13 and my cousin introduced me to Anne Rice and I didn't quite understand why I liked Queen of the Damned so much, except that the bits with Armand and Daniel were oddly compelling.
Then some unsuspecting soul introduced me to Yami no Matsuei, and by extension the whole glorious yaoi subculture, and there was no turning back. What I had found was a vibrant, if somewhat derivative, literary world full of gay protagonists. Beautiful gay boys falling in love with other beautiful gay boys and having adventures and gay sex. Gay men being hot, being clever, being funny, being angsty, being anything -- but to put it more simply, just being interesting and desirable.
In short, gay men got a lot of good press. So when I had my revelation it was easy to say, Oh, I want to be that. Hell, who wouldn't? Clearly, being gay is great and you'll get epic romance and a happy ending. If there were a magic pill to make me male, I'd have taken it in a heartbeat. The stumbling block, of course, is that there is no such pill, and I had no interest whatsoever in the intermediate phases.
Because trannies don't get the same sort of good press as gay men do. In fact, they've sort of moved to fill the role that gay characters did twenty or thirty years ago: the occasional campy and supportive friend, backup dancers to the main character. The author gets to have a cookie for being inclusive of the T in GLBT, and the reader gets to feel progressive for being abstractly supportive of trans rights. What depictions there are of trans characters feature flamboyant MTFs who can't pass (but are more fun than a barrel of monkeys, of course) and dumpy former dykes who pass so well they're invisible. And who would want to be that? It's fine to let trannies hang out in the background, but God knows who'd want to date such people. In short, they are only occasionally interesting and never actually desirable.
This is not congruent with reality.
Leaving aside the whole matter of hot MTFs who have (semi-)straight men practically crawling up their legs for some of that cock+boobs combo, FTMs don't show too badly either. In fact, we have a tendency to become really pretty boys -- "twinks" in the common parlance, smooth-skinned, babyfaced, and looking barely legal. And even though I haven't succeeded in making it work for me yet, that is a very popular look.
So where are all the trannies in fiction? Why are there no role models of trannies getting to have grand passion? Where's the epic romance that has more to do with who they are than what's in their pants? In the absence of stories like that, we're left with the unfortunate implication that there's nothing there anyone would want. Maybe someone will settle for the trannie eventually, or maybe they'll get lucky enough to find a chicks-with-dicks fetishist -- all in all, a depressing prospect.
I think what it comes down to is that most people tend to forget they exist, and trannies themselves wish they could too. After all, we didn't want to be trans; we just want to be the opposite sex. The goal is to do trans, not be it. Which is why I know of at least three gay FTM writers, myself included, who write male-on-male stuff -- and no wonder, since writing is about exploring what we want to explore. Why dwell on the trans thing in the one place where we don't have to?
But that's irresponsible, so I wrap this up with a rec and the firm resolution that I will write trans protagonists in the future. Hot and compelling ones.
The rec is Khaos Komic, a webcomic that explores how the various permutations of queer affect different types of people. It starts off with a cute story about two gay boys, but branches out into all different flavors, including an FTM whose story really resonated with my own in parts.
** Edit: I think some of my writer friends took this post as criticism, like, "WHY ARE YOU IGNORING TRANNIES, BY GOD, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!" but I didn't intend it as such. I meant that it was irresponsible for me (and I guess other FTM writers) to pretend like it doesn't exist, when we of all people know better.
"I read a good book the other day," you say to a friend.
"Oh?" they will invariably reply. "What was it about?"
Which isn't an unreasonable question, but it's proof -- if anything is -- that fiction bears no resemblance to reality. Quick, in ten words or fewer: your life, what's it about?
So the relationship with Yuuto didn't pan out, as one might have guessed from the lack of further posts on the subject. And honestly, I don't know where things went wrong, which means I'm disappointed, of course, but not devastated. Was it the trannie thing? Was he more put off by that than he let on? (If yes, then I appreciate that he didn't say so, since the absolute last thing I need right now is further proof that nobody wants trannies.) Was it because the sex was bad? Did he just want me to top? Should I have kept my clothes on so he didn't have to see a body still under construction? Was it the next day when I didn't quite know how to deal with him outside of bed? In short, did I manage to find someone who was okay with the trannie thing, only to drive him away on my own merits? (And if so, is that better or worse...?)
At this point, I doubt I'll ever know. And as I said, I'm disappointed by that, but resigned to it. In the end, I still consider the whole affair a net gain -- because if nothing else, I have proved to myself that I am capable of pulling hot guys, even if I haven't quite figured out how to keep them yet. This gives me a small measure of confidence that I'll be able to do it again.
** Possible TMI warning **
However, getting naked with Yuuto also drove home just how profoundly unhappy and insecure I am with my own body. He was perfect. Really. Utterly, unbelievably beautiful, and I'm still sort of bewildered about how I managed to trip him into bed with me.
Whereas I'm... not. To put modesty aside and speak perfectly frankly: I'm hot in clothes. When I've got pants that hug the right places, shirts that are loose around the wrong places, and a binder to hold my chest down, I look damned good. Without clothes, not so much. I'm in that weird, work-in-progress state between a female body and a male one. I still have excess weight in my hips (female) but I've also accumulated a bit of excess weight around my midsection (male, and UNFAIR since that was caused by the cholesterol meds I had to take, for cholesterol that was only fucked up because of T in the first place). And also due to T, my breasts aren't even appealing to people who like such things, because they've lost mass but not surface area. I'm lumpy in the wrong places, and I never felt it more keenly than when I found myself naked and in stark contrast with someone who was everything I wanted to be.
And that's a boner-killer, let me tell you. It doesn't matter how unbelievably hot your partner is. I didn't mention it in the previous post, because I had every confidence that we could improve with practice, but the sex with Yuuto was lousy. I couldn't get into it, and it was my own bloody body issues getting in the way.
So yeah, I'm seriously looking into tits-off surgery now. (Most people call it 'top surgery' but call a spade a fucking spade.) That's why I'm still with Nova. Because their contract is surprisingly generous, and moreover, I'm not finding anything else. The cost seems to range between $5,000 and $18,000, depending on what else you want to package with it. Hysterectomy? Sure. Cock surgery? Stay away from my crotch, kthanxbai. The technology isn't there yet.
So yeah, eventually I'll be going to Thailand for my sex-change surgery. And no, that doesn't get any less skeezy-sounding the more you say it. I'm as bemused as you are.
Oh, transsexuality: weird and improbable and why is this happening to ME? No self-pity in that, just... o_O Seriously, how did I end up like this? That's what I've been thinking since I first realized it, and it's not getting any less true. The funny part is that I have a brochure from my doctor's office, offering a sex change surgery + tour of Thailand as part of an all-in-one package. Visit scenic Thailand! Get your tits off! This is a weird world we live in, people.
***
But recently I was reminded of something else. Specifically, reminded of the time when I was still trying to figure all this the fuck out. And I never thought I'd be nostalgic for that time, but I sort of might be now.
You see, I never wanted to be a trannie.
I was twenty before I realized what my problem was, but it's not like I'd been unaware of the existence of transsexuals -- I just felt no kinship with them. The hotness of homosexuality, on the other hand, I had instantly (if somewhat latently) recognized when I was 13 and my cousin introduced me to Anne Rice and I didn't quite understand why I liked Queen of the Damned so much, except that the bits with Armand and Daniel were oddly compelling.
Then some unsuspecting soul introduced me to Yami no Matsuei, and by extension the whole glorious yaoi subculture, and there was no turning back. What I had found was a vibrant, if somewhat derivative, literary world full of gay protagonists. Beautiful gay boys falling in love with other beautiful gay boys and having adventures and gay sex. Gay men being hot, being clever, being funny, being angsty, being anything -- but to put it more simply, just being interesting and desirable.
In short, gay men got a lot of good press. So when I had my revelation it was easy to say, Oh, I want to be that. Hell, who wouldn't? Clearly, being gay is great and you'll get epic romance and a happy ending. If there were a magic pill to make me male, I'd have taken it in a heartbeat. The stumbling block, of course, is that there is no such pill, and I had no interest whatsoever in the intermediate phases.
Because trannies don't get the same sort of good press as gay men do. In fact, they've sort of moved to fill the role that gay characters did twenty or thirty years ago: the occasional campy and supportive friend, backup dancers to the main character. The author gets to have a cookie for being inclusive of the T in GLBT, and the reader gets to feel progressive for being abstractly supportive of trans rights. What depictions there are of trans characters feature flamboyant MTFs who can't pass (but are more fun than a barrel of monkeys, of course) and dumpy former dykes who pass so well they're invisible. And who would want to be that? It's fine to let trannies hang out in the background, but God knows who'd want to date such people. In short, they are only occasionally interesting and never actually desirable.
This is not congruent with reality.
Leaving aside the whole matter of hot MTFs who have (semi-)straight men practically crawling up their legs for some of that cock+boobs combo, FTMs don't show too badly either. In fact, we have a tendency to become really pretty boys -- "twinks" in the common parlance, smooth-skinned, babyfaced, and looking barely legal. And even though I haven't succeeded in making it work for me yet, that is a very popular look.
So where are all the trannies in fiction? Why are there no role models of trannies getting to have grand passion? Where's the epic romance that has more to do with who they are than what's in their pants? In the absence of stories like that, we're left with the unfortunate implication that there's nothing there anyone would want. Maybe someone will settle for the trannie eventually, or maybe they'll get lucky enough to find a chicks-with-dicks fetishist -- all in all, a depressing prospect.
I think what it comes down to is that most people tend to forget they exist, and trannies themselves wish they could too. After all, we didn't want to be trans; we just want to be the opposite sex. The goal is to do trans, not be it. Which is why I know of at least three gay FTM writers, myself included, who write male-on-male stuff -- and no wonder, since writing is about exploring what we want to explore. Why dwell on the trans thing in the one place where we don't have to?
But that's irresponsible, so I wrap this up with a rec and the firm resolution that I will write trans protagonists in the future. Hot and compelling ones.
The rec is Khaos Komic, a webcomic that explores how the various permutations of queer affect different types of people. It starts off with a cute story about two gay boys, but branches out into all different flavors, including an FTM whose story really resonated with my own in parts.
** Edit: I think some of my writer friends took this post as criticism, like, "WHY ARE YOU IGNORING TRANNIES, BY GOD, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!" but I didn't intend it as such. I meant that it was irresponsible for me (and I guess other FTM writers) to pretend like it doesn't exist, when we of all people know better.