I woke up in an unusually serious mood today.
When I look in the mirror, I see less and less of him, and more of someone else. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about this new face, this new form. I don't have as many of his mannerisms nor his patterns. The systems for categorizing everything and protocols for reaction, all these things I have created to keep everything at a distance, have lost their meaning and their importance. I am no longer the sum of his mistakes, the nightmare childhood and pain that he has done his best to pass on to us. For better or worse, I have become something else.
It's always been easier to think of myself as less than human, it becomes easier to take the guilt and the shame of where I come from, to accept the pain that I have seen and felt. It will no longer suffice. I can no longer live playing a child's game, pretending to be a monster or a machine to keep the bogeyman away. My distractions no longer engage me the same way. These old limitations bore me. Mere survival no longer satisfies me.
In other news, Bruce Willis is still my favorite super hero.
It's always been easier to think of myself as less than human, it becomes easier to take the guilt and the shame of where I come from, to accept the pain that I have seen and felt. It will no longer suffice. I can no longer live playing a child's game, pretending to be a monster or a machine to keep the bogeyman away. My distractions no longer engage me the same way. These old limitations bore me. Mere survival no longer satisfies me.
In other news, Bruce Willis is still my favorite super hero.