[even the strongest walls break down]girlwithabowMay 29 2009, 05:01:34 UTC
Sleep doesn't come easy. In fact, it doesn't come at all. Kate tosses and turns, tangling up her sheets enough that Tommy gets irritated and hops off the mattress with a soft whine to sleep in a pile of dirty laundry. The longer she stays awake, the longer she's alone in her head without supervision, but after reading that long list of dos and don'ts about not getting herself attacked, all she can do is stay awake. Absently, she rolls over and grabs her cell phone off the nightstand and starts typing in a text message of three words--are you awake?--only to get a message sent error when she hits the bright green send key on the phone. Her head is so full of jumbled thoughts that Kate stares at the error screen for a few long seconds until realization slips through to her that the recipient of her usual late night messages isn't and has never been in the City. Eli couldn't help her right now anyway.
"Damn it," she grumbles, tossing the phone on to the bed as she gets up and stomps out the room. She has no particular place to go right now, especially still dressed in her tank top and sleeping pants, but she needs to get out of the room. It suddenly feels way too crowded in there and Kate steps around the apartment only to find herself standing in the middle of the kitchen. She's completely on autopilot now, snatching up the box of cereal with the Irish stereotype on it and the milk out of the fridge to pour herself a bowl.
She doesn't eat it. The cereal never makes it into the bowl. Kate just sits there at the kitchen table with her head in her hands, trying to make sense of all the issues she thought she solved a long time ago.
[even the strongest walls break down]repeatshimselfMay 29 2009, 05:11:31 UTC
Billy gets hungry in the middle of the night more often than he likes to admit. He's pretty sure it's not magic, because he ate like there was a black hole lodged in the pit of his belly way before he even met the Scarlet Witch. So when he slips out of Teddy's arms, with a quick, "Getting something to eat," when Teddy protests a little at losing his teddy bear, he expects to be alone in the dark.
He doesn't expect to see Kate, who is looking at a bowl of cereal like it's swallowing the core of her soul. He is cautious, thankful that he's wearing boxers, and he tries not to be too obtrusive at first, thinking he'll just go back to bed.
Then he sees the look on Kate's face. She looks like the world is going to end, and he can't just leave her there. "Katie?" he says, quietly, running a hand through his hair.
[even the strongest walls break down]girlwithabowMay 29 2009, 05:25:22 UTC
Nobody's called her Katie since her mother died. Not one person. But here Billy is cutting through the late night haze with her old nickname and it makes Kate jump a little with a chill.
"Go back to bed, Billy" Kate orders him without lifting her head to look at him. There's not one trace of her default aggressiveness in her tone; instead, there's a heavy waver that clearly says she doesn't mean a word she says. It's obvious she wants him to do the opposite.
[even the strongest walls break down]repeatshimselfMay 29 2009, 05:31:23 UTC
Billy usually does what he's told by Kate, and in this case he would, but there's nothing in her bearing that suggests that's what she wants. In fact, she seems lonely, and Billy knows that he's not Eli, but he's better than nothing.
"Nah," he says, quietly. "What's wrong?" He moves to get a chair and sit next to her. Kate is his best friend, after Teddy, and there's something on her chest. Something that she's been holding in for a while, from the looks of it. Billy's empathy is something that some people might say he inherited from his real mother, but his biological one had it in spades too.
[even the strongest walls break down]girlwithabowMay 29 2009, 05:47:58 UTC
God, what amount of money Kate wouldn't pay to have her therapist here. After trying to reach Eli, Kate would have contacted her and gone through their coping routine. Hell, even Jessica Jones would have been a better second choice. She knows Billy means nothing but the best being right here next to her, but forming the words to admit the problem is the hardest part.
"I can't. You wouldn't understand." Nobody understands, she thinks. Nobody understand that she tries her best to live a normal life after having her 'normal' snatched away within the span of ten minutes four years ago.
[even the strongest walls break down]repeatshimselfMay 29 2009, 05:51:57 UTC
Billy knows way better than people think that the words you don't understand actually mean I don't understand, which makes him worry more. Kate is supposed to be the one who everyone relies on. She's the strong one. Everyone else can be weak, but Kate is always so put together. And Billy knows that everyone has weak points, and it worries him that one of hers made this sudden appearance.
He sits and he doesn't say anything. He waits, instead. He also knows that people tend to talk if they think it's safe, if they think that no one will judge them, and Billy won't, not ever. He is quiet, and he takes one of her hands very carefully and folds it in his.
[even the strongest walls break down]girlwithabowMay 29 2009, 06:13:11 UTC
And Kate doesn't understand. She hasn't for a long time, no matter how many therapy sessions she's been through, how many times she's locked herself in her room for days on end, how many times she just stood on the penthouse rooftop and screamed her lungs out. Nothing made any sense and still doesn't make sense. There was never any answer to why that asshole did what he did to her. She was fifteen years old, the world at her feet, just walking home through the park. All Kate can guess is that she was just a target to him.
Kate tenses up when Billy's warm hands folds over hers. Her first reflex is to pull back and run but she's tired of running away. She's been doing that for far too long and nothing has changed. Kate grips his hand tightly, may be too tightly, as if she's anchoring herself to the ground. "He said it's not my fault. I know it's not my fault..." she starts quietly, letting the words hang there before she looks at him with tired, red eyes and a pleading voice. "You have to promise me not to tell. Promise me, Billy. Not to Teddy, Cassie, Eli, nobody. Promise me. Promise me, please?
[even the strongest walls break down]repeatshimselfMay 29 2009, 06:28:08 UTC
Billy knows that if Kate is asking him not to tell anyone, to promise, that this has to be more serious than he imagined. Her hand is holding onto his tightly, and his eyes crackle blue, just a little, and around the room he shares with Teddy a ward hisses to life. If Teddy wakes up, he won't be able to hear what's going on, or get out; but that's a risk that Billy is willing to take. Teddy will understand.
"I promise. I won't tell anyone," he says, looking into her eyes, because he wants her to know he means it, and he does. He grips her hand back, like a vise, like he can hold her with just the power in one hand. Like he can make everything better.
[even the strongest walls break down]girlwithabowMay 29 2009, 06:38:59 UTC
He can't make everything better. God knows Kate would love Billy until the world ended if he could. They've known each other for just a few years, but it's feels like forever to her and now it feels like not telling Billy would just be equal to her lying to his face.
And when he squeezes her hand back and does whatever he just did with his magic, she can't lie.
"Did you see the thing that guy posted on the Network about being..." It's a rare occasion when the words that she plans to say don't come out her mouth like they're supposed to. Her lips gape open and close like a fish's for a few seconds before she ends the sentence. "...Raped?"
[even the strongest walls break down]repeatshimselfMay 29 2009, 06:42:20 UTC
Billy nods, quietly, thinking about it. He had seen it but hadn't paid much attention to it. Rape was this thing he just didn't think about. He had never really had a reason to; maybe it was because he was a guy, or because his issues in high school always involved fear of being pummeled into the ground.
"Yeah, I saw it," he says, worrying slightly about the tone she had said the word raped in. It wasn't a tone that said that this was just a topic that idly she worried about in the night.
[even the strongest walls break down]girlwithabowMay 29 2009, 06:51:04 UTC
She doesn't know why it's so hard to tell him. She's told her father, she's told her therapist, and she's told Jessica. Why is it so difficult to tell one of her best friends? Kate knows he won't judge her as harshly as she's judged herself, but damn it, she doesn't want him thinking her as a victim every time he saw her from this day on.
"Nothing, nevermind. Just go back to bed. I'm sorry I woke you up," she blathers, looking away from Billy and yanking her hand back. Lies. More lies. She doesn't even have the guts to lie to his face. "I just want to forget." That part, however, isn't a lie.
[even the strongest walls break down]repeatshimselfMay 29 2009, 06:55:01 UTC
Billy has things he can't tell anyone - not even Teddy - and he understand part of what Kate is dealing with, at least in the broadest sense. But he doesn't know what is really going on in her head, although he's starting to suspect. He doesn't move, and he furrows his brow.
"Kate," he says, finally, "I'm not going to think of you any differently, no matter what it is you have to say." That much is truth. "And you didn't wake me up, really. I'm a light sleeper."
[even the strongest walls break down]girlwithabowMay 29 2009, 07:14:17 UTC
"You couldn't even lie say I did to make me feel better, could you?" The comment comes out a little more glib that she plans, but it gets her point across. Kate wishes she did wake him up so that she's have somebody to blame for something instead of an unknown assailant. She turns back towards Billy, but lets her eyes drift down to the empty bowl on the table in front of her before she takes a deep breath.
"The year before I met you guys, I was raped. In Central Park."
There. It's out and it feels like for once in these last few years, a large weight has been taken off her shoulders.
[even the strongest walls break down]repeatshimselfMay 29 2009, 07:19:17 UTC
There are times when Billy's world zooms out like a camera, like he can see himself, looking like an idiot, staring into space and gaping like a fish. These times usually are followed by an intense zooming in, introspection, and generally a dear god sort of feeling. The last time he felt it was when Teddy told him he loved him for the first time.
In this situation he has to be a little more smooth than saying something stupid like, pass the fries, which was his response to Teddy at the time.
He takes a deep breath, and doesn't look away. "And you're dealing with it again." Because of that guy on the Network.
[even the strongest walls break down]girlwithabowMay 29 2009, 07:32:44 UTC
Kate nods. "He said it's not my fault. My therapist says the same thing and I know they're right. But every time, every fucking time, I look at that list of how to protect myself, I see another thing I didn't do or something I should have done and all I want to do is go back and take a cab home from school. Or even getting my dad's driver to take me home. I was stupid to go in the park by myself and I should have let my pride down and use my dad's stupid money to get me home okay."
She's babbling and she knows it. But she can't stop. It's like now that she's gotten over the hump, the floodgates have opened and all the thoughts that were bouncing around in her brain are running for the hills.
[even the strongest walls break down]repeatshimselfMay 29 2009, 07:42:34 UTC
Billy nods. "Well, it isn't your fault," he starts, but the torrent of words make him stop, and he just listens. He's okay with listening, and not saying anything back, but in this case he will say things - maybe not the right things, but it's a risk he'll take. Kate is his friend. How could he not?
"No one can protect themselves from everything all the time, Kate," he says, finally. "Not even heroes; we all make mistakes that leave us open." He takes a deep breath. "That still doesn't make this your fault."
"Damn it," she grumbles, tossing the phone on to the bed as she gets up and stomps out the room. She has no particular place to go right now, especially still dressed in her tank top and sleeping pants, but she needs to get out of the room. It suddenly feels way too crowded in there and Kate steps around the apartment only to find herself standing in the middle of the kitchen. She's completely on autopilot now, snatching up the box of cereal with the Irish stereotype on it and the milk out of the fridge to pour herself a bowl.
She doesn't eat it. The cereal never makes it into the bowl. Kate just sits there at the kitchen table with her head in her hands, trying to make sense of all the issues she thought she solved a long time ago.
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He doesn't expect to see Kate, who is looking at a bowl of cereal like it's swallowing the core of her soul. He is cautious, thankful that he's wearing boxers, and he tries not to be too obtrusive at first, thinking he'll just go back to bed.
Then he sees the look on Kate's face. She looks like the world is going to end, and he can't just leave her there. "Katie?" he says, quietly, running a hand through his hair.
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"Go back to bed, Billy" Kate orders him without lifting her head to look at him. There's not one trace of her default aggressiveness in her tone; instead, there's a heavy waver that clearly says she doesn't mean a word she says. It's obvious she wants him to do the opposite.
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"Nah," he says, quietly. "What's wrong?" He moves to get a chair and sit next to her. Kate is his best friend, after Teddy, and there's something on her chest. Something that she's been holding in for a while, from the looks of it. Billy's empathy is something that some people might say he inherited from his real mother, but his biological one had it in spades too.
"You can tell me."
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"I can't. You wouldn't understand." Nobody understands, she thinks. Nobody understand that she tries her best to live a normal life after having her 'normal' snatched away within the span of ten minutes four years ago.
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He sits and he doesn't say anything. He waits, instead. He also knows that people tend to talk if they think it's safe, if they think that no one will judge them, and Billy won't, not ever. He is quiet, and he takes one of her hands very carefully and folds it in his.
Even if she doesn't need to talk, he's there.
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Kate tenses up when Billy's warm hands folds over hers. Her first reflex is to pull back and run but she's tired of running away. She's been doing that for far too long and nothing has changed. Kate grips his hand tightly, may be too tightly, as if she's anchoring herself to the ground. "He said it's not my fault. I know it's not my fault..." she starts quietly, letting the words hang there before she looks at him with tired, red eyes and a pleading voice. "You have to promise me not to tell. Promise me, Billy. Not to Teddy, Cassie, Eli, nobody. Promise me. Promise me, please?
Reply
"I promise. I won't tell anyone," he says, looking into her eyes, because he wants her to know he means it, and he does. He grips her hand back, like a vise, like he can hold her with just the power in one hand. Like he can make everything better.
"What happened?"
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And when he squeezes her hand back and does whatever he just did with his magic, she can't lie.
"Did you see the thing that guy posted on the Network about being..." It's a rare occasion when the words that she plans to say don't come out her mouth like they're supposed to. Her lips gape open and close like a fish's for a few seconds before she ends the sentence. "...Raped?"
Reply
"Yeah, I saw it," he says, worrying slightly about the tone she had said the word raped in. It wasn't a tone that said that this was just a topic that idly she worried about in the night.
Reply
"Nothing, nevermind. Just go back to bed. I'm sorry I woke you up," she blathers, looking away from Billy and yanking her hand back. Lies. More lies. She doesn't even have the guts to lie to his face. "I just want to forget." That part, however, isn't a lie.
Reply
"Kate," he says, finally, "I'm not going to think of you any differently, no matter what it is you have to say." That much is truth. "And you didn't wake me up, really. I'm a light sleeper."
Reply
"The year before I met you guys, I was raped. In Central Park."
There. It's out and it feels like for once in these last few years, a large weight has been taken off her shoulders.
Reply
In this situation he has to be a little more smooth than saying something stupid like, pass the fries, which was his response to Teddy at the time.
He takes a deep breath, and doesn't look away. "And you're dealing with it again." Because of that guy on the Network.
Reply
She's babbling and she knows it. But she can't stop. It's like now that she's gotten over the hump, the floodgates have opened and all the thoughts that were bouncing around in her brain are running for the hills.
Reply
"No one can protect themselves from everything all the time, Kate," he says, finally. "Not even heroes; we all make mistakes that leave us open." He takes a deep breath. "That still doesn't make this your fault."
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