(no subject)
I haven't updated this thing in ages. I really need to vent, but I don't feel like talking to anyone, so I guess this is the next best thing. I feel defeated. Completely and utterly defeated. I know that I should be furious, but I'm not. Not really, I guess. I just want to crawl into bed and lay there for about a month. I know I'm being all cryptic and shit, but I don't really have the heart or energy to do a full review of the situation. Rest assured, it's about a girl.
What is it about me that makes girls feel that it's okay to break my heart? She goes from telling me how much she loves me, and coming to visit me and talking about spending our life together to telling me that she's not sure what she wants. That's fine, I can understand that. She just came out of a long relationship. But I'm not going to fucking let her shut me out and screw other people while she's deciding what she wants to do about our relationship. I feel like crying, then I feel like an asshole for letting it bother me so much. But it does bother me, it bothers me a whole lot. To the point where I feel like I no longer have anything to look forward to. I have never been a drinker, but I can honestly see the appeal in it right about now.
I hate myself for feeling like this. I hate that one person can have such a grip on my emotions, and I hate that she doesn't seem to care what she does with them. I hate that I let girls fuck me over time and time again. I hate how weak I am, and I hate that I can't even let myself hate her for this.
What is it about me that makes girls feel that it's okay to break my heart? She goes from telling me how much she loves me, and coming to visit me and talking about spending our life together to telling me that she's not sure what she wants. That's fine, I can understand that. She just came out of a long relationship. But I'm not going to fucking let her shut me out and screw other people while she's deciding what she wants to do about our relationship. I feel like crying, then I feel like an asshole for letting it bother me so much. But it does bother me, it bothers me a whole lot. To the point where I feel like I no longer have anything to look forward to. I have never been a drinker, but I can honestly see the appeal in it right about now.
I hate myself for feeling like this. I hate that one person can have such a grip on my emotions, and I hate that she doesn't seem to care what she does with them. I hate that I let girls fuck me over time and time again. I hate how weak I am, and I hate that I can't even let myself hate her for this.