Angst!
With my return to Canada fast approaching, I'm filled with much of the same dread and pain that I felt before making the journey here.
I have found so much here, in both others and myself. Part of me wants to go home but an equal, and sometimes greater, part is desperate to remain here in Paris.
I'm seeing my life take on a shape here, whereas at home my future didn't have much form to it. There is so much here for me; both in the person that I am now and for the person that I see myself becoming, that I want to become.
I am still homesick. There are so many people that I need a hug from. There are certain foods that I crave (although there is much more food related things in Paris that I will miss when I go home).
I've never been superstitious. I've never been one to look for and find meaning in any type of signs. Yet on this trip I've been surrounded by so many of the oddest and surreal coincidences that I feel I have to believe in something.
Lately this song has been coming onto my iPod at typically "Parisian" moments and brings me close to tears every time, solidifying the knot already in my stomach:
Now that it's time
Now that the hour hand has landed at the end
Now that it's real
Now that the dreams have given all they had to lend
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And maybe try another time
And do I really have a hand in my forgetting ?
Now that I've tried
Now that I've finally found that this is not the way,
Now that I turn
Now that I feel it's time to spend the night away
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And maybe finally split the rhyme
And do I really understand the undernetting ?
Yes and the morning has me
Looking in your eyes
And seeing mine warning me
To read the signs carefully.
Now that it's light
Now that the candle's falling smaller in my mind
Now that it's here
Now that I'm almost not so very far behind
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And maybe follow another sign
And do I really have a song that I can ride on ?
Now that I can
Now that it's easy, ever easy all around.
Now that I'm here
Now that I'm falling to the sunlights and a song
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And do I have to do just one
And can I choose again if I should lose the reason ?
Yes, and the morning
Has me looking in your eyes
And seeing mine warning me
To read the signs more carefully.
Now that I smile,
Now that I'm laughing even deeper inside.
Now that I see,
Now that I finally found the one thing I denied
It's now I know do I stay or do I go
And it is finally I decide
That I'll be leaving
In the fairest of the seasons.
-Nico, Fairest of the Seasons
I have found so much here, in both others and myself. Part of me wants to go home but an equal, and sometimes greater, part is desperate to remain here in Paris.
I'm seeing my life take on a shape here, whereas at home my future didn't have much form to it. There is so much here for me; both in the person that I am now and for the person that I see myself becoming, that I want to become.
I am still homesick. There are so many people that I need a hug from. There are certain foods that I crave (although there is much more food related things in Paris that I will miss when I go home).
I've never been superstitious. I've never been one to look for and find meaning in any type of signs. Yet on this trip I've been surrounded by so many of the oddest and surreal coincidences that I feel I have to believe in something.
Lately this song has been coming onto my iPod at typically "Parisian" moments and brings me close to tears every time, solidifying the knot already in my stomach:
Now that it's time
Now that the hour hand has landed at the end
Now that it's real
Now that the dreams have given all they had to lend
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And maybe try another time
And do I really have a hand in my forgetting ?
Now that I've tried
Now that I've finally found that this is not the way,
Now that I turn
Now that I feel it's time to spend the night away
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And maybe finally split the rhyme
And do I really understand the undernetting ?
Yes and the morning has me
Looking in your eyes
And seeing mine warning me
To read the signs carefully.
Now that it's light
Now that the candle's falling smaller in my mind
Now that it's here
Now that I'm almost not so very far behind
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And maybe follow another sign
And do I really have a song that I can ride on ?
Now that I can
Now that it's easy, ever easy all around.
Now that I'm here
Now that I'm falling to the sunlights and a song
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And do I have to do just one
And can I choose again if I should lose the reason ?
Yes, and the morning
Has me looking in your eyes
And seeing mine warning me
To read the signs more carefully.
Now that I smile,
Now that I'm laughing even deeper inside.
Now that I see,
Now that I finally found the one thing I denied
It's now I know do I stay or do I go
And it is finally I decide
That I'll be leaving
In the fairest of the seasons.
-Nico, Fairest of the Seasons