Choy
As I showered today I had the realization that I no longer am suicidal. I haven't been for some time, and I just didn't think about it. I truly was for so long, even if I didn't have the power to do anything to myself, I tried to put myself in situations where something bad COULD happen...
What changed? I'm still lonely and unhappy at times. I still have to fight myself internally and believe that my friends do in fact like me, and don't just hang out due to a sense of history. I still have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror and not cringing. So it goes back to that simple question...
What changed? Is it complacency with life? Is it giving up on forcing positive change? Is it coming to terms with my strengths and weaknesses?
I don't know, but I guess I just don't want to die. I don't want my parents to be sad. I don't want people to talk of memories past, unless they are talking with me...
I am a mediocre friend for the most part. I am judgmental, stubborn, flaky, and sometimes distant. People interpret my cynicism as nastiness at times. They brush off my compliments as being insincere obligatory responses to situations. The highs and lows of friendship come about on any given day it seems. Again, I struggle with wondering if people actually like me, or if they respect the history and stories that exist between us...
I am a mediocre son for the most part. I have leaned on dad to get me out of jams. I have flaked on mom to watch grown men punch one another. I have made messes in homes that welcomed me in for free. I do know that they love me though, and they know that I love them...
What changed? Every part of every day is still dominated by an inferiority complex second to none. I think of people and wonder why things are the way they are. I am truly depressed, but without true reason. But I don't want to die. For all the sad songs I listen to there are as many upbeat and happy songs. I want to wake up one morning and have some chipper little tune be the song I relate to, rather than the melancholy melodies I mostly listen to...
I don't cry often, but I'm an emotional person. I don't yell often, but I'm an angry person. I don't hug often, but I am a loving person. I just wish that I could get out of my shell and show others how I really am. That's how I'm going to capture the one thing in life I truly need, a companion...
What changed? I'm still lonely and unhappy at times. I still have to fight myself internally and believe that my friends do in fact like me, and don't just hang out due to a sense of history. I still have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror and not cringing. So it goes back to that simple question...
What changed? Is it complacency with life? Is it giving up on forcing positive change? Is it coming to terms with my strengths and weaknesses?
I don't know, but I guess I just don't want to die. I don't want my parents to be sad. I don't want people to talk of memories past, unless they are talking with me...
I am a mediocre friend for the most part. I am judgmental, stubborn, flaky, and sometimes distant. People interpret my cynicism as nastiness at times. They brush off my compliments as being insincere obligatory responses to situations. The highs and lows of friendship come about on any given day it seems. Again, I struggle with wondering if people actually like me, or if they respect the history and stories that exist between us...
I am a mediocre son for the most part. I have leaned on dad to get me out of jams. I have flaked on mom to watch grown men punch one another. I have made messes in homes that welcomed me in for free. I do know that they love me though, and they know that I love them...
What changed? Every part of every day is still dominated by an inferiority complex second to none. I think of people and wonder why things are the way they are. I am truly depressed, but without true reason. But I don't want to die. For all the sad songs I listen to there are as many upbeat and happy songs. I want to wake up one morning and have some chipper little tune be the song I relate to, rather than the melancholy melodies I mostly listen to...
I don't cry often, but I'm an emotional person. I don't yell often, but I'm an angry person. I don't hug often, but I am a loving person. I just wish that I could get out of my shell and show others how I really am. That's how I'm going to capture the one thing in life I truly need, a companion...