{blog: resentments}
I found one of my old journals today. One of the ones I kept from one of my first therapists. It seems like it was decades ago, when it really wasn't.
"Why do we do these things to each other? In the end, after all the reasons that seem to die with us, what's the point? I can't help feeling we're all being used. That somebody, somewhere, has set us all up and they're laughing at us as we fall, taking each other out, one by one... until there are none."
Why can't I go without being a brute? Because that's what I was taught. Why did I let myself learn? Because people were brutes to me. My own goddamned mother turned her back on what made me a brute. Said I was lying. Said I was bad.
Fuck her. Fuck Ace. Fuck Darcy. Fuck Freddie. Fuck every single human being on God's green earth who told me I wouldn't live to see today, and fuck every single human being who's tried to make it so. Fuck every cockswinger who manhandled Francine's heart and put another stepping stone on the path we had to take to get this far. Fuck every caveman who knocked the blocks out of my foundations so I would screw up again. And while I'm on a roll, fuck William Shatner. He sucks.
Maybe I'll stop fighting. Maybe I'll take the role of the embracing visionary. I doubt I could be full of love, but I can try, right?
I need a drink. I feel like I've clawed out my soul and torn it to bloody strips. My paintings...
I wish you could smile.
"Why do we do these things to each other? In the end, after all the reasons that seem to die with us, what's the point? I can't help feeling we're all being used. That somebody, somewhere, has set us all up and they're laughing at us as we fall, taking each other out, one by one... until there are none."
Why can't I go without being a brute? Because that's what I was taught. Why did I let myself learn? Because people were brutes to me. My own goddamned mother turned her back on what made me a brute. Said I was lying. Said I was bad.
Fuck her. Fuck Ace. Fuck Darcy. Fuck Freddie. Fuck every single human being on God's green earth who told me I wouldn't live to see today, and fuck every single human being who's tried to make it so. Fuck every cockswinger who manhandled Francine's heart and put another stepping stone on the path we had to take to get this far. Fuck every caveman who knocked the blocks out of my foundations so I would screw up again. And while I'm on a roll, fuck William Shatner. He sucks.
Maybe I'll stop fighting. Maybe I'll take the role of the embracing visionary. I doubt I could be full of love, but I can try, right?
I need a drink. I feel like I've clawed out my soul and torn it to bloody strips. My paintings...
I wish you could smile.