(no subject)
less than a week left for my big, first over-seas trip. I'm excited. I really am. I need to clear my head from a couple of things and sort out my feelings to a whole lot of situations that are currently occurring in my life. Personally, relationship wise, friendship wise, family wise. Everything is starting to get out of wack. I can't live like this anymore. I try to bursh shit off by keeping my mouth shut bitting my tongue to avoid further confrontation with hopes everything will just go away. Its worked in the past but now it just isn't.
As soon as I come back from my trip the first people I want to sit with and talk to are my mom, brother & grandmother. My relationships with them have been unacceptable, especially for them being my family, my blood. I haven't spoken to my grandma in over 2 months. My brother and I got into a fight a month ago haven't spoken since. And me & my mom well things aren't that bad but then can be better. Especially now that we are somewhat "seeing eye to eye". Reconcile my family ties by far is number one.
My friendships have been a mess by far. I know I'm not the easiest person to deal with but I've been through so many groups of friends throughout my life that you would think I would know better by now. But its just situations that I can't deal with and I just turn into my father as my mother likes to say. Hard headed and close minded. I can't help it. Like I've said before I admit when I'm wrong & I admit when there is a good talk over coffee needed. Especially when I get a "I'm going to stop trying to be your friend" text from a person I consider my creation since I've practically gave birth to this girl. Right now I just don't have time to reconcile friendships when I'm first trying to fix myself. I get lost, I admit it. I elude with hopes everything will be back to "normal".
Relationships. What more can I even say about this topic? Relationships is my escape from all the wrong things that are occuring in my life. I fall fast and easy and tend to end up being clingy and needy. And of course all the guys I've fallen for lately don't seem to mind the clingy-ness in the beginning but after a month they get scared and thats when this take the turn for the weird unknown path. Alex reappeared this past weekend. and I had him as an escape this weekend. I need to stop taking any of them back.
Its for my own good. I know right from wrong. I've cleaned up my life. I just really really reallllllyyyyy need to figure out what I want to do with myself. I want to go back to school even if it takes me 10 years to get my AA it must get done. I want to travel the world some more. I want to get a snip snip done. I want to clear my mind. I have already found religion in my life a year ago and I thank God everyday for everything he's given me.
I just know basically that I need to straighten out all of the above with a rational explanation. Think things through and my heart will lead me to whats best for me. Your heart is what you truly desire your mind just tries to convience you that your heart is wrong. Give me some time everything will be alright. I promise. When I promise I keep my promise. You wait and see.