More internship stuff
Cutting this because I have a feeling it's going to be long
Been thinking about this whole Internship that Dr. Haywood offered me this afternoon. And now that the "whee, experience!" excitement and everything has passed, I find myself sitting here wondering if I'm even capable of something like that. I'm sure I'd be fine at the field work, and I could separate, label, and categorize any samples we collected to a T - I *know* I can do the actual work involved, and I know I probably would have little to no trouble with it - in Haywood's words, it is by no means rocket science, and the experience would get me one step closer to a career I'm pretty damned sure I would enjoy. I'm not even worried that one of the sample pick-ups would be within spitting distance of Gary, Indiana - that pick up is going to be on an actual nature reserve, which will likely have all sorts of protective stuff in place like fences and rangers and watch towers and all that jazz.
I *know* I can do the work, and I'm pretty sure I'd be pretty good at it, and with all expenses paid, money really isn't an issue. Nothing at all there to be worried about. And yet here I sit, not so far off from working myself into one of those anxious, stomach-knotting tizzies I've gotten so good at falling into lately because I'm freaking out about the travel. I probably wouldn't even be *driving* most of the time, so I wouldn't be the one trying to get onto the right interchanges and make sure we're going the right direction, but still, here be Travel Anxiety.
Which is *stupid* because I've traveled before - I've spent an entire week in Cincinnati, Ohio with only Cristin as a familiar face; I've gone to Texas for two weeks and I enjoyed the hell out of it; I spent countless weekends in Minneapolis visiting Cristin when she lived there, and I spent a weekend in Chicago with a bunch of drunken Scapers. I've traveled, I've been away from home without family, I've flown to freaking *Germany* for crying out loud, half a world away, all by my lonesome in a place where I had only the slightest knowledge of the language. And yet here I am, freaking out over a piddily 300 mile drive along the coast of Lake Michigan.
The big difference between all those trips I've taken before, all those miles I have put behind me, is that all of them were before that whole mess in St. Cloud. I know I shouldn't hold the entire city responsible for my little break down - it was a whole mix of things that just kept piling on and piling on until I crumbled under the weight, but I can't help it. It's like my life has turned into this twisted version of BC and ADD - Before St. Cloud and After the Damage is Done. And trust me, there was damage. The whole event shattered the self confidence I had fought tooth and nail for through out a good chunk of my childhood and adolescent years, and even though I've managed to do quite a bit of rebuilding, it's like none of the beams are quite as strong anymore, or the foundation just isn't quite as solid as it once was. I put out a pretty good front for the most part when everything is nice and safe within the boundaries of the normal and the every day, but when push comes to shove and the stress starts building up again, all those anxieties and insecurities rear their ugly heads and the next thing I know I'm calling my parents in tears, begging them to tell me everything will be okay, that I've done this before, that I *can* do this and that I need to stop doubting myself. Usually it works; sometimes it doesn't.
Then there's the whole Travel Anxiety I've always had to some degree, especially when the travel involves early mornings. I am totally and completely irrationally paranoid that if I have to be up before 6:30 either to catch a flight or to pack up the car before a road trip, I'll sleep through all of the alarms I've set and miss my opportunity. I completely ignore the fact that I can count on one hand the number of times I have actually *needed* an alarm to wake me up, and the fact that I am such a light sleeper that *any* out of place noise tends to wake me up, no matter how tiny and insignificant it may be, not to mention the fact that I usually wake up naturally at around 6:00 am anyway. Because of that completely irrational paranoia, I very rarely get more than an hour of sleep the night before I travel anywhere.
Then, of course, there's the whole thing where it usually takes my body a few days to adjust to any kind of new sleeping arrangement, adding on to the whole "sleep deprivation" factor. This one is especially annoying for short two-or-three-day trips, because on average it usually takes me at least two, and sometimes three or four nights to get used to the new bed/new sounds/new environment posed by any kind of over-night travel in a room/bed that is not my own. The only times I can recall actually being able to sleep more than an hour or two my first night in a new environment was on my trip to Hawaii and my trip to Germany. In both cases, I was pretty damned exhausted from the 10+ hour plane ride and being awake for at least 24 hours prior due to the whole "night before" travel anxiety I mentioned earlier, so I pretty much crashed as soon as there was a soft surface beneath me.
Getting back to how St. Cloud has royally screwed up my perceptions, along with the travel anxiety I already had before hand (I really hope I get over that one of these days, because the whole "physical geography" major thing is probably going to send me all over the place if I want an actual job in that field), the only "big" (and I use the term extremely lightly) travel I've done since I came back to Wisconsin is when I moved in here at Plover, and the Wisconsin Dells trip over Spring break, and I'm not sure if the first one counts since it wasn't so much a *trip* as a temporary (though I really do want it to be permanent if I can keep affording rent) address change. If we do count it, though, I have to admit how incredibly surprised I was when I came here and immediately felt almost as comfortable here as I had at the family home of 20-some years. Granted, I didn't get much sleep that first night, either, but I blame it more on the insanely uncomfortable air mattress I was sleeping on, and not on the actual surroundings. Wisconsin Dells - the one bit of actual over night "travel" I've done since getting out of St. Cloud - didn't go nearly as smoothly in the comfort department. Not only was I unable to sleep, but I also was up most of the night shivering and freaking out Manda as I tried to fight off another minor anxiety attack the likes of which I never got until St. Cloud State University beat me up, stole my lunch money, and sent me home in tears. The 70 miles between here and the Mt. Olympus Resort in Wisconsin Dells never seemed so far, the 100 miles between me and the comforting voice of my mommy even more so. I didn't cry, but I came close, and it was only the TV droning mindless infomercials in the background that kept me from calling home at 2 in the morning for one of those parental pep talks, as well as distracting me long enough from my anxieties to at least allow me an hour or two of sleep. I blamed it on getting chilled from walking around in a damp 35 degrees at an outdoor mall all afternoon wearing only a sweat shirt, and while I'm sure that was partially responsible for my inability to stop shaking, I also know that anxiety was probably a bigger factor.
With this internship, I'm afraid thats going to happen again. And with an even greater distance between me and the comforts of home, I'm afraid it will be worse. I can't really afford to freak out on something like that, and I sure as hell can't call my parents and ask them drop everything and come rescue me if I *do* freak out.
This internship, short though it may be, would open so many doors when it comes to finding a career after I graduate. The experience would be valuable, the opportunity a one-time kind of thing that would set the pattern for my future - I can't afford to screw it up, but I am so afraid that is what will happen if I take advantage of it.
I know I'm jumping at shadows here, and that I'll never get anywhere if I let my fears run my life. But it's a big step, one that would've been so much easier if I could just stop doubting myself and get back to the girl I was BC. If nothing else, this whole episode has shown me that, as much as I try to pretend I'm the same, I still have a long way to go before I can ever be that girl again.
On the one hand, if I can make it through the anxiety and the worries and get the job done none the worse for the ware, I know I'll be one step closer to repairing the damages done, one board stronger in the rebuilding of my confidence. On the other hand, if I take the risk but end up failing in the end and don't make it through, there will be one more crack in the foundation.
Being an adult sucks, yo.
Told you it was going to be long. Cookies and virtual baked goods to all you who made it all the way through. Oh, and here's a few towels to wipe off the excess Emo.
Oh, god. That took an hour and a half to write. I'm going to bed now.
I do, however, feel slightly better. Who knew writing this stuff down actually helps a bit?
Been thinking about this whole Internship that Dr. Haywood offered me this afternoon. And now that the "whee, experience!" excitement and everything has passed, I find myself sitting here wondering if I'm even capable of something like that. I'm sure I'd be fine at the field work, and I could separate, label, and categorize any samples we collected to a T - I *know* I can do the actual work involved, and I know I probably would have little to no trouble with it - in Haywood's words, it is by no means rocket science, and the experience would get me one step closer to a career I'm pretty damned sure I would enjoy. I'm not even worried that one of the sample pick-ups would be within spitting distance of Gary, Indiana - that pick up is going to be on an actual nature reserve, which will likely have all sorts of protective stuff in place like fences and rangers and watch towers and all that jazz.
I *know* I can do the work, and I'm pretty sure I'd be pretty good at it, and with all expenses paid, money really isn't an issue. Nothing at all there to be worried about. And yet here I sit, not so far off from working myself into one of those anxious, stomach-knotting tizzies I've gotten so good at falling into lately because I'm freaking out about the travel. I probably wouldn't even be *driving* most of the time, so I wouldn't be the one trying to get onto the right interchanges and make sure we're going the right direction, but still, here be Travel Anxiety.
Which is *stupid* because I've traveled before - I've spent an entire week in Cincinnati, Ohio with only Cristin as a familiar face; I've gone to Texas for two weeks and I enjoyed the hell out of it; I spent countless weekends in Minneapolis visiting Cristin when she lived there, and I spent a weekend in Chicago with a bunch of drunken Scapers. I've traveled, I've been away from home without family, I've flown to freaking *Germany* for crying out loud, half a world away, all by my lonesome in a place where I had only the slightest knowledge of the language. And yet here I am, freaking out over a piddily 300 mile drive along the coast of Lake Michigan.
The big difference between all those trips I've taken before, all those miles I have put behind me, is that all of them were before that whole mess in St. Cloud. I know I shouldn't hold the entire city responsible for my little break down - it was a whole mix of things that just kept piling on and piling on until I crumbled under the weight, but I can't help it. It's like my life has turned into this twisted version of BC and ADD - Before St. Cloud and After the Damage is Done. And trust me, there was damage. The whole event shattered the self confidence I had fought tooth and nail for through out a good chunk of my childhood and adolescent years, and even though I've managed to do quite a bit of rebuilding, it's like none of the beams are quite as strong anymore, or the foundation just isn't quite as solid as it once was. I put out a pretty good front for the most part when everything is nice and safe within the boundaries of the normal and the every day, but when push comes to shove and the stress starts building up again, all those anxieties and insecurities rear their ugly heads and the next thing I know I'm calling my parents in tears, begging them to tell me everything will be okay, that I've done this before, that I *can* do this and that I need to stop doubting myself. Usually it works; sometimes it doesn't.
Then there's the whole Travel Anxiety I've always had to some degree, especially when the travel involves early mornings. I am totally and completely irrationally paranoid that if I have to be up before 6:30 either to catch a flight or to pack up the car before a road trip, I'll sleep through all of the alarms I've set and miss my opportunity. I completely ignore the fact that I can count on one hand the number of times I have actually *needed* an alarm to wake me up, and the fact that I am such a light sleeper that *any* out of place noise tends to wake me up, no matter how tiny and insignificant it may be, not to mention the fact that I usually wake up naturally at around 6:00 am anyway. Because of that completely irrational paranoia, I very rarely get more than an hour of sleep the night before I travel anywhere.
Then, of course, there's the whole thing where it usually takes my body a few days to adjust to any kind of new sleeping arrangement, adding on to the whole "sleep deprivation" factor. This one is especially annoying for short two-or-three-day trips, because on average it usually takes me at least two, and sometimes three or four nights to get used to the new bed/new sounds/new environment posed by any kind of over-night travel in a room/bed that is not my own. The only times I can recall actually being able to sleep more than an hour or two my first night in a new environment was on my trip to Hawaii and my trip to Germany. In both cases, I was pretty damned exhausted from the 10+ hour plane ride and being awake for at least 24 hours prior due to the whole "night before" travel anxiety I mentioned earlier, so I pretty much crashed as soon as there was a soft surface beneath me.
Getting back to how St. Cloud has royally screwed up my perceptions, along with the travel anxiety I already had before hand (I really hope I get over that one of these days, because the whole "physical geography" major thing is probably going to send me all over the place if I want an actual job in that field), the only "big" (and I use the term extremely lightly) travel I've done since I came back to Wisconsin is when I moved in here at Plover, and the Wisconsin Dells trip over Spring break, and I'm not sure if the first one counts since it wasn't so much a *trip* as a temporary (though I really do want it to be permanent if I can keep affording rent) address change. If we do count it, though, I have to admit how incredibly surprised I was when I came here and immediately felt almost as comfortable here as I had at the family home of 20-some years. Granted, I didn't get much sleep that first night, either, but I blame it more on the insanely uncomfortable air mattress I was sleeping on, and not on the actual surroundings. Wisconsin Dells - the one bit of actual over night "travel" I've done since getting out of St. Cloud - didn't go nearly as smoothly in the comfort department. Not only was I unable to sleep, but I also was up most of the night shivering and freaking out Manda as I tried to fight off another minor anxiety attack the likes of which I never got until St. Cloud State University beat me up, stole my lunch money, and sent me home in tears. The 70 miles between here and the Mt. Olympus Resort in Wisconsin Dells never seemed so far, the 100 miles between me and the comforting voice of my mommy even more so. I didn't cry, but I came close, and it was only the TV droning mindless infomercials in the background that kept me from calling home at 2 in the morning for one of those parental pep talks, as well as distracting me long enough from my anxieties to at least allow me an hour or two of sleep. I blamed it on getting chilled from walking around in a damp 35 degrees at an outdoor mall all afternoon wearing only a sweat shirt, and while I'm sure that was partially responsible for my inability to stop shaking, I also know that anxiety was probably a bigger factor.
With this internship, I'm afraid thats going to happen again. And with an even greater distance between me and the comforts of home, I'm afraid it will be worse. I can't really afford to freak out on something like that, and I sure as hell can't call my parents and ask them drop everything and come rescue me if I *do* freak out.
This internship, short though it may be, would open so many doors when it comes to finding a career after I graduate. The experience would be valuable, the opportunity a one-time kind of thing that would set the pattern for my future - I can't afford to screw it up, but I am so afraid that is what will happen if I take advantage of it.
I know I'm jumping at shadows here, and that I'll never get anywhere if I let my fears run my life. But it's a big step, one that would've been so much easier if I could just stop doubting myself and get back to the girl I was BC. If nothing else, this whole episode has shown me that, as much as I try to pretend I'm the same, I still have a long way to go before I can ever be that girl again.
On the one hand, if I can make it through the anxiety and the worries and get the job done none the worse for the ware, I know I'll be one step closer to repairing the damages done, one board stronger in the rebuilding of my confidence. On the other hand, if I take the risk but end up failing in the end and don't make it through, there will be one more crack in the foundation.
Being an adult sucks, yo.
Told you it was going to be long. Cookies and virtual baked goods to all you who made it all the way through. Oh, and here's a few towels to wipe off the excess Emo.
Oh, god. That took an hour and a half to write. I'm going to bed now.
I do, however, feel slightly better. Who knew writing this stuff down actually helps a bit?