(no subject)
Blah... I'm seriously considering going to bed really early and just... I dunno, trying not to think I guess. It's just one of those times when you realize how fecking alone you are in this world, even though you have all these friends spread out around said world but none of them at home close enough to give you a hug when you really need it. I've very very isolated out here, and it just... really sucks some times.
Even if I did have the ability to go somewhere, I have no where to go. My nearest friend is 50+ miles away, and even if I could go up there and pester her, I have no notion of where I would start looking for her house. And I was and never will be one to go off and do something outta the blue... I always wanna have a plan. Which is weird, I guess, cause I more then welcome someone coming out *here* with no warning, though there are very few who I know who would want to go so far outta their way. And I know I'm sounding like a complete bitch because I *know* that most of my friends would take the time to pop on over if they had the opportunity, but those who live close enough to do so never really get the chance because of work or other plans and those who *have* the time are too far away to make it worth while..
I'm told I'm good at making friends, but I'm not so sure. Granted, given the chance I'm usually the one to make the first move when it comes to making friends, despite being nervous as hell when I do so. And then, of course, I would have to be in a situation where I *could* make friends, not out in the middle of frelling no where 15 miles from the nearest decent civilization. I dunno, maybe that will change when I start classes on Tuesday, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I come from a little town with little-minded people, it seems... It's hard to make friends up here; we don't do the friendly chatter in the grocery store line like they do in other parts of the country. I know this is true, not only because it's what I myself have experienced, but what I've heard straight from the mouths of people who have come from further south. "It was hard making friends in Virginia, but it's even harder up here." Ain't that the truth, and I've lived here my entire life.
I dunno, maybe it's just me... It's easier then hell to meet people online where I can charm their pants off with my open mind and sense of humor, but in real life where I feel I need it most... I just clam up. Online I am open and very unfettered, whatever that means, but in RL, believe it or not, I'm still rather shy and lacking in confidence. And it sucks, because I know there are tons of people who I would get along great with out there, but most of them are just as shy and quiet as me. In school, people either see me as this confident but rather quiet young women or this cold hearted bitch that never lets anyone close to her...when inside all I am is a lonely girl looking for a friend.
No, this isn't a plea for sympathy, though it may seem as such. I'm too much of that Tough-Assed Bitch to beg sympathy, even in my moments of hurt. Besides, I know I get both sympathy and love from all of you without asking for it. But, hey, this is supposed to be a journal, right? :) This is just me using my journal as it was meant to be used... To write down and keep record of my days, good and bad, as well as my thoughts and feelings...
::listens to song currently playing::
If only I wasn't so stubborn as to let myself cry on someone else's shoulder for once...
::sad little smile as she shuts down her computer and starts to get ready for bed::
Even if I did have the ability to go somewhere, I have no where to go. My nearest friend is 50+ miles away, and even if I could go up there and pester her, I have no notion of where I would start looking for her house. And I was and never will be one to go off and do something outta the blue... I always wanna have a plan. Which is weird, I guess, cause I more then welcome someone coming out *here* with no warning, though there are very few who I know who would want to go so far outta their way. And I know I'm sounding like a complete bitch because I *know* that most of my friends would take the time to pop on over if they had the opportunity, but those who live close enough to do so never really get the chance because of work or other plans and those who *have* the time are too far away to make it worth while..
I'm told I'm good at making friends, but I'm not so sure. Granted, given the chance I'm usually the one to make the first move when it comes to making friends, despite being nervous as hell when I do so. And then, of course, I would have to be in a situation where I *could* make friends, not out in the middle of frelling no where 15 miles from the nearest decent civilization. I dunno, maybe that will change when I start classes on Tuesday, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I come from a little town with little-minded people, it seems... It's hard to make friends up here; we don't do the friendly chatter in the grocery store line like they do in other parts of the country. I know this is true, not only because it's what I myself have experienced, but what I've heard straight from the mouths of people who have come from further south. "It was hard making friends in Virginia, but it's even harder up here." Ain't that the truth, and I've lived here my entire life.
I dunno, maybe it's just me... It's easier then hell to meet people online where I can charm their pants off with my open mind and sense of humor, but in real life where I feel I need it most... I just clam up. Online I am open and very unfettered, whatever that means, but in RL, believe it or not, I'm still rather shy and lacking in confidence. And it sucks, because I know there are tons of people who I would get along great with out there, but most of them are just as shy and quiet as me. In school, people either see me as this confident but rather quiet young women or this cold hearted bitch that never lets anyone close to her...when inside all I am is a lonely girl looking for a friend.
No, this isn't a plea for sympathy, though it may seem as such. I'm too much of that Tough-Assed Bitch to beg sympathy, even in my moments of hurt. Besides, I know I get both sympathy and love from all of you without asking for it. But, hey, this is supposed to be a journal, right? :) This is just me using my journal as it was meant to be used... To write down and keep record of my days, good and bad, as well as my thoughts and feelings...
::listens to song currently playing::
If only I wasn't so stubborn as to let myself cry on someone else's shoulder for once...
::sad little smile as she shuts down her computer and starts to get ready for bed::