In which I wade through my QL to find the funny ones
Okay, so a lot of my friends are down and out for some reason or another these days, and as I am just the type of person who wants to Fix Things to the best of my ability, that's what I'm going try to do, even if it's just a little thing that might otherwise be taken for granted.
As many of you know, over the last 10 years or so I have gotten into the habit of writing down/copying and pasting quotes that I particularly like into one big Word Document. This aptly named "Quote List" of mine is now 57 pages long, single spaced, 10 point text, with 220 k of material.
A month or so ago, I decided to go through it and copy all the funny quotes into a new document to pass on to friends who needed a laugh. Under the cut you will find the first three pages of that new list. Some of you who have been with me on LJ from the start (of the QL, at least, which I started posting on LJ back in 2003) have probably read these before, but I figure they're just as fun the second (and third) time around.
“If I were human, I believe my response would be 'Go to hell.' If I were human.”
~Spock, Star Trek VI
There are only two things you can do when you're dressed like *Barbie Does Bondage*; you can be embarrassed or you can be aggressive. Guess what my choice was.
~Anita Blake, The Killing Dance, by Laurell K. Hamilton
"I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work."
~Thomas Edison
“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.”
~A. Whitney Brown
“Missing men usually have ex-wives.”
~Gunny, JAG
“It's a strange thing, but every sentient race has its own version of these Swedish meatballs. I suspect it's one of those great universal mysteries which will either never be explained or which would drive you mad if you ever learned the truth.”
~G'Kar, Babylon 5
My strength is as the strength of ten, because my heart is pure. Pure *what* I don’t think I want to know.
~ Children of the Night, by Mercedes Lackey
“Are you sure it's in here?”
“Yes, I'm sure! So shut up and keep squeezing the monkeys!”
~ Jimmy Olsen and Lois Lane, Animated Superman
“Wise men say forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza.”
~ Michelangelo, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
“Come the millennium, month 12 In the home of greatest power, The village idiot will come forth To be acclaimed the leader.”
~ Nostradamus, 1555
“For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex... uh... setbacks.”
~ George Bush
“Ich bin ein Berliner!” (I am a jelly donut!)
~JFK
“If you hadn't so recently vomited, I could KISS you!”
~ Claire, The Invisible Man
“I never argue with a lady, especially one that can beat me at arm wrestling.”
~ Igor, Narcissus in Chains, Laurell K. Hamilton
"You know, one of these days you're going to be stuck in a situation without a Star Wars quote."
"I find your lack of faith disturbing."
~ Tucker and Wes, The Chronicle
“It's about time our school excelled at something.”
“Hmm… You're forgetting our high mortality rate.”
“We're number one!”
~ Cordelia, Willow, and Xander: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
“Well, the guy is a bona fide hero, would it kill him to put on some tights and a cape and garner us some free publicity?”
“I don't see Angel putting on some tights. Ah, now I do, and it's really disturbing.”
~ Cordelia and Doyle, Angel the Series
“I repeat This isn’t a drill, this *is* the Apocalypse Please leave the hospital in an orderly fashion.”
~ Hospital Computer Lady/voice; Dogma
“Ya know, this was supposed to be my weekend off. But nooooo.... You got me out here dragging your heavy ass through a burning desert, with your dreadlocks sticking out the back of my parachute.... And what the hell is that smell!!!”
~ Capt. Steven Hiller, Independence Day
“What do you want me to do?! Dress in drag and to the hula!?
~ Timon, The Lion King
“The Web brings people together, because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you’ve got millions of pals out there. Type in ‘Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire’ and the computer will ask, ‘Specify type of goat.’”
~ George Costanza, Seinfeld
“Hey! Don’t put your arm around me when I’m naked!!!”
~ Roger to Riggs, Lethal Weapon 4
“Viggy Viggy Viggy... You have been a *bad* monkey!”
~ Peter Venkman, Ghostbusters II
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.”
~ Einstein
“*’Whoops!?’* My insurance does *not* cover PMS!!!”
~ Kat’s Dad, 10 Things I Hate About You
“Preacher, don't the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killing?”
“Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps.”
~ Zoe and Book, Firefly
“What was that?”
“Ah... Pidgins!”
“Pidgins?”
“It’s mating season... Sex is a full contact sport if you’re a pidgin.”
~ Webb and Harm, JAG
“There's always the threat of an attack by say, a giant space dragon, the kind that leaves the sun every thirty days. It's a nuisance, but what would you expect from reptiles. Did I mention that my nose was on fire? That I have fifteen wild badgers living in my trousers? I'm sorry, would you prefer ferrets?”
~ Marcus, Babylon 5
“I laugh in the face of danger. I drop ice cubes down the vest of fear.”
~ Edmund, Blackadder
"This tastes like chicken."
"What's wrong with that?"
"It's macaroni and cheese."
~ Daniel Jackson and Samantha Carter, Stargate SG-1
"You're young, you're drunk, you're in bed, you have knives; shit happens."
~ Angelina Jolie
"I swear if we live through this somebody’s going to find their automatic shower preferences programmed for ice water!"
~ Commander Susan Ivanova, Babylon 5
"I don't like to commit myself about Heaven and Hell -- you see, I have friends in both places."
~ Mark Twain
“I want to live! I want to experience the universe! I want to *eat pie*!”
~ Urgo, Stargate SG - 1
“In a perfect world... coffee would always be hot, everything would be remote control, oranges would have zippers, and chocolate would be a dietary food.”
~ Garfield
"Have filed taxes. Mourn for the good old days when a guy on a horse and his two big burly guard people (who were also on horses, but carried very large swords) would knock on your door, pick you up, and say 'Give me 12 pieces of silver!' and you went 'Okay! Please don't kill me!' Much less paperwork."
~ Cristin, on LJ
"The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents."
~ Nathaniel Borenstein
Duct Tape is like the force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the universe together.
~ Carl Zwanig
"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets."
~ Brigader Lethbridge-Stewart, Doctor Who
"I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting."
~ Ronald Reagan
"When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. Know what the Russians used?"
"A pencil?"
"A pencil."
~ Leo and Toby, West Wing
"I love writing but hate starting. The page is awfully white and it says, 'You may have fooled some of the people some of the time but those days are over, giftless. I'm not your agent and I'm not your mommy, I'm a white piece of paper, you wanna dance with me?'"
~ Aaron Sorkin
"The example I like is -- you have the most beautiful car to drive with the best seats and it's so safe and the machine is so luxurious. But there is only one trouble -- you are going to drive for two years and you cannot stop to pee."
~ Prisoner of Azkaban movie director Alfonso Cuaron, when asked if he was
glad filming was over (attrib.)
"Were they sent to hell?"
"Worse. Wisconsin."
~ Bethany and Metatron, Dogma
Hope that helps, at least a little.
And now I am going to bed.
As many of you know, over the last 10 years or so I have gotten into the habit of writing down/copying and pasting quotes that I particularly like into one big Word Document. This aptly named "Quote List" of mine is now 57 pages long, single spaced, 10 point text, with 220 k of material.
A month or so ago, I decided to go through it and copy all the funny quotes into a new document to pass on to friends who needed a laugh. Under the cut you will find the first three pages of that new list. Some of you who have been with me on LJ from the start (of the QL, at least, which I started posting on LJ back in 2003) have probably read these before, but I figure they're just as fun the second (and third) time around.
“If I were human, I believe my response would be 'Go to hell.' If I were human.”
~Spock, Star Trek VI
There are only two things you can do when you're dressed like *Barbie Does Bondage*; you can be embarrassed or you can be aggressive. Guess what my choice was.
~Anita Blake, The Killing Dance, by Laurell K. Hamilton
"I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work."
~Thomas Edison
“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.”
~A. Whitney Brown
“Missing men usually have ex-wives.”
~Gunny, JAG
“It's a strange thing, but every sentient race has its own version of these Swedish meatballs. I suspect it's one of those great universal mysteries which will either never be explained or which would drive you mad if you ever learned the truth.”
~G'Kar, Babylon 5
My strength is as the strength of ten, because my heart is pure. Pure *what* I don’t think I want to know.
~ Children of the Night, by Mercedes Lackey
“Are you sure it's in here?”
“Yes, I'm sure! So shut up and keep squeezing the monkeys!”
~ Jimmy Olsen and Lois Lane, Animated Superman
“Wise men say forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza.”
~ Michelangelo, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
“Come the millennium, month 12 In the home of greatest power, The village idiot will come forth To be acclaimed the leader.”
~ Nostradamus, 1555
“For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex... uh... setbacks.”
~ George Bush
“Ich bin ein Berliner!” (I am a jelly donut!)
~JFK
“If you hadn't so recently vomited, I could KISS you!”
~ Claire, The Invisible Man
“I never argue with a lady, especially one that can beat me at arm wrestling.”
~ Igor, Narcissus in Chains, Laurell K. Hamilton
"You know, one of these days you're going to be stuck in a situation without a Star Wars quote."
"I find your lack of faith disturbing."
~ Tucker and Wes, The Chronicle
“It's about time our school excelled at something.”
“Hmm… You're forgetting our high mortality rate.”
“We're number one!”
~ Cordelia, Willow, and Xander: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
“Well, the guy is a bona fide hero, would it kill him to put on some tights and a cape and garner us some free publicity?”
“I don't see Angel putting on some tights. Ah, now I do, and it's really disturbing.”
~ Cordelia and Doyle, Angel the Series
“I repeat This isn’t a drill, this *is* the Apocalypse Please leave the hospital in an orderly fashion.”
~ Hospital Computer Lady/voice; Dogma
“Ya know, this was supposed to be my weekend off. But nooooo.... You got me out here dragging your heavy ass through a burning desert, with your dreadlocks sticking out the back of my parachute.... And what the hell is that smell!!!”
~ Capt. Steven Hiller, Independence Day
“What do you want me to do?! Dress in drag and to the hula!?
~ Timon, The Lion King
“The Web brings people together, because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you’ve got millions of pals out there. Type in ‘Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire’ and the computer will ask, ‘Specify type of goat.’”
~ George Costanza, Seinfeld
“Hey! Don’t put your arm around me when I’m naked!!!”
~ Roger to Riggs, Lethal Weapon 4
“Viggy Viggy Viggy... You have been a *bad* monkey!”
~ Peter Venkman, Ghostbusters II
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.”
~ Einstein
“*’Whoops!?’* My insurance does *not* cover PMS!!!”
~ Kat’s Dad, 10 Things I Hate About You
“Preacher, don't the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killing?”
“Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps.”
~ Zoe and Book, Firefly
“What was that?”
“Ah... Pidgins!”
“Pidgins?”
“It’s mating season... Sex is a full contact sport if you’re a pidgin.”
~ Webb and Harm, JAG
“There's always the threat of an attack by say, a giant space dragon, the kind that leaves the sun every thirty days. It's a nuisance, but what would you expect from reptiles. Did I mention that my nose was on fire? That I have fifteen wild badgers living in my trousers? I'm sorry, would you prefer ferrets?”
~ Marcus, Babylon 5
“I laugh in the face of danger. I drop ice cubes down the vest of fear.”
~ Edmund, Blackadder
"This tastes like chicken."
"What's wrong with that?"
"It's macaroni and cheese."
~ Daniel Jackson and Samantha Carter, Stargate SG-1
"You're young, you're drunk, you're in bed, you have knives; shit happens."
~ Angelina Jolie
"I swear if we live through this somebody’s going to find their automatic shower preferences programmed for ice water!"
~ Commander Susan Ivanova, Babylon 5
"I don't like to commit myself about Heaven and Hell -- you see, I have friends in both places."
~ Mark Twain
“I want to live! I want to experience the universe! I want to *eat pie*!”
~ Urgo, Stargate SG - 1
“In a perfect world... coffee would always be hot, everything would be remote control, oranges would have zippers, and chocolate would be a dietary food.”
~ Garfield
"Have filed taxes. Mourn for the good old days when a guy on a horse and his two big burly guard people (who were also on horses, but carried very large swords) would knock on your door, pick you up, and say 'Give me 12 pieces of silver!' and you went 'Okay! Please don't kill me!' Much less paperwork."
~ Cristin, on LJ
"The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents."
~ Nathaniel Borenstein
Duct Tape is like the force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the universe together.
~ Carl Zwanig
"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets."
~ Brigader Lethbridge-Stewart, Doctor Who
"I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting."
~ Ronald Reagan
"When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. Know what the Russians used?"
"A pencil?"
"A pencil."
~ Leo and Toby, West Wing
"I love writing but hate starting. The page is awfully white and it says, 'You may have fooled some of the people some of the time but those days are over, giftless. I'm not your agent and I'm not your mommy, I'm a white piece of paper, you wanna dance with me?'"
~ Aaron Sorkin
"The example I like is -- you have the most beautiful car to drive with the best seats and it's so safe and the machine is so luxurious. But there is only one trouble -- you are going to drive for two years and you cannot stop to pee."
~ Prisoner of Azkaban movie director Alfonso Cuaron, when asked if he was
glad filming was over (attrib.)
"Were they sent to hell?"
"Worse. Wisconsin."
~ Bethany and Metatron, Dogma
Hope that helps, at least a little.
And now I am going to bed.