don't mess with the Beast, Mr Hurricane
Man, I guess I must be stressed, because that's two nights in a row that I've had (for me) rather upsetting dreams.
Not ghosts or ghouls or being chased by something I can't see - I almost never have those dreams, and when I do they don't usually bother me. Not the teeth falling out dream, which I have no doubt will come later.
Two nights ago, I dreamt I had a fight with my mom. She accused me of lying about my exercise regime, and said that I was fat and she was ashamed to be seen with me. In the light of morning, it's easy to know that my mom would never, ever say those things - my dad might, but it would be couched in terms of worry about my health, given the family's history of diabetes. In the dream, I walked out on her. Left home. Didn't look back. Cut my ties with my family and drifted.
In reality, while I've often thought of just getting on the road and going where the wind may take me, it would also involve my phoning home every couple of days so mom doesn't worry. My family ties are what keep me grounded, keep me me, and give me somewhere I fit even when it feels like I'll never belong anywhere. Imagining being cut off from them makes me feel heartsick.
Last night, I dreamt that I moved into a new apartment - a studio-loft, somewhere in some indeterminate city. It was beautiful - hardwood floors, walls painted a deep navy blue that somehow didn't make it look claustrophobic - and bigger than the one I was moving out of. And the landlord only wanted 500$ a month for it. I signed immediately, and moved in on the heels of the previous tenant moving out - an artist with a bent for Indian philosophy, who had left paint all over the apartment. I didn't care, it had a jacuzzi tub, even if I had to dig wadded paper towel out of all the sink drains (the artist apparently having been bitter about being forced to move).
The day after I'd settled in, and it really felt like home, the landlord caught me in the pub a couple doors down, and informed me that he was raising my rent to 850$. I was astonished - that's more than a 75% raise - and hadn't there been a clause in the contract i signed that said he couldn't raise the rent in the first five months? He could do what he liked, because he owned the building, neener neener. That night, upset and alone in a new city, I wandered with my camera, like I used to do in BC. I saw someone I recognized! I went up to him, to express astonishment and pleasure at meeting an old friend in a new city - and he shouted at me, shouted horrible things, to stay away from him, to...I stood there, astonished, blank faced. He got close enough to see my face clearly (it was, after all, night out), and merely said "Oh, it's you." and then walked off.
So, you know, two anxiety dreams in one. One, moving out of my apartment, which happens (mostly) the weekend after next. Two, probably the biggest regret I'll ever have, the situation two of my deepest friendships ended with, which tends to really really bother me when I'm stressed and unhappy.
I hope this is all related to the stupid calculator program and not finals themselves - I don't think I can deal with another two weeks of this shit.
On the plus side, I made some truly excellent lamb and mango curry the other night. And yesterday my mapping prof bought me hot chocolate. And I found out that the calculator program isn't actually due until field camp, as long as we have a functional prototype of some sort on our calculators for Friday.
On the minus side, drama concerning the teachers at school and the program itself continues - we and the class ahead of us are attempting to mount a campaign to have two of the program's oldest teachers fired, or to at least force more oversight of their courses, which have frankly been horseshit. And we're trying to push for more modernization of the program too, especially given how quickly the field of surveying is changing. And to do this we're having to go to the Dean of Technology, because our program head has done nothing about the complaints he's gotten from the last three classes to go through the program. And all this is happening with the backdrop of finals approaching, and the fact that the school has finally submitted the application to be granted exemptions from some of the surveying exams, which changing the curriculum might endanger.
Some days I really think I should have just stayed in IT.
Not ghosts or ghouls or being chased by something I can't see - I almost never have those dreams, and when I do they don't usually bother me. Not the teeth falling out dream, which I have no doubt will come later.
Two nights ago, I dreamt I had a fight with my mom. She accused me of lying about my exercise regime, and said that I was fat and she was ashamed to be seen with me. In the light of morning, it's easy to know that my mom would never, ever say those things - my dad might, but it would be couched in terms of worry about my health, given the family's history of diabetes. In the dream, I walked out on her. Left home. Didn't look back. Cut my ties with my family and drifted.
In reality, while I've often thought of just getting on the road and going where the wind may take me, it would also involve my phoning home every couple of days so mom doesn't worry. My family ties are what keep me grounded, keep me me, and give me somewhere I fit even when it feels like I'll never belong anywhere. Imagining being cut off from them makes me feel heartsick.
Last night, I dreamt that I moved into a new apartment - a studio-loft, somewhere in some indeterminate city. It was beautiful - hardwood floors, walls painted a deep navy blue that somehow didn't make it look claustrophobic - and bigger than the one I was moving out of. And the landlord only wanted 500$ a month for it. I signed immediately, and moved in on the heels of the previous tenant moving out - an artist with a bent for Indian philosophy, who had left paint all over the apartment. I didn't care, it had a jacuzzi tub, even if I had to dig wadded paper towel out of all the sink drains (the artist apparently having been bitter about being forced to move).
The day after I'd settled in, and it really felt like home, the landlord caught me in the pub a couple doors down, and informed me that he was raising my rent to 850$. I was astonished - that's more than a 75% raise - and hadn't there been a clause in the contract i signed that said he couldn't raise the rent in the first five months? He could do what he liked, because he owned the building, neener neener. That night, upset and alone in a new city, I wandered with my camera, like I used to do in BC. I saw someone I recognized! I went up to him, to express astonishment and pleasure at meeting an old friend in a new city - and he shouted at me, shouted horrible things, to stay away from him, to...I stood there, astonished, blank faced. He got close enough to see my face clearly (it was, after all, night out), and merely said "Oh, it's you." and then walked off.
So, you know, two anxiety dreams in one. One, moving out of my apartment, which happens (mostly) the weekend after next. Two, probably the biggest regret I'll ever have, the situation two of my deepest friendships ended with, which tends to really really bother me when I'm stressed and unhappy.
I hope this is all related to the stupid calculator program and not finals themselves - I don't think I can deal with another two weeks of this shit.
On the plus side, I made some truly excellent lamb and mango curry the other night. And yesterday my mapping prof bought me hot chocolate. And I found out that the calculator program isn't actually due until field camp, as long as we have a functional prototype of some sort on our calculators for Friday.
On the minus side, drama concerning the teachers at school and the program itself continues - we and the class ahead of us are attempting to mount a campaign to have two of the program's oldest teachers fired, or to at least force more oversight of their courses, which have frankly been horseshit. And we're trying to push for more modernization of the program too, especially given how quickly the field of surveying is changing. And to do this we're having to go to the Dean of Technology, because our program head has done nothing about the complaints he's gotten from the last three classes to go through the program. And all this is happening with the backdrop of finals approaching, and the fact that the school has finally submitted the application to be granted exemptions from some of the surveying exams, which changing the curriculum might endanger.
Some days I really think I should have just stayed in IT.