[fic, BTR] All That Counts (Part 5)
Title: All That Counts (Part 5/?)
Word Count: ~3,700 / 40,000+
For bigtimebang
Previous: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
---
The weird thing was, having Logan there helping him made James actually sort of want to do his homework, which was definitely a first. Hanging out with Logan (on Logan's bed!) while he did his smart-person-with-an-undeclared-major reading thing and James made his way cautiously through one chem problem after another, it was almost…fun.
What James didn't know was whether this was because Logan was just that awesome, or going so long without really having a friend to hang out with had made James desperate enough that even homework was fun in comparison to being alone. It didn't really matter, though.
James got stuck about halfway through the problem set and had to poke Logan to get his attention. (Had to, wanted to, whatever.) Logan glanced up, eyebrows raised in a question, and James pointed at his open textbook. "I don't get this one."
Logan set down his own book and pulled the chem textbook into his lap. "Oh, yeah, this one's a little different. I'll work a simpler one for you first." He tugged James's notebook away from him and flipped to a blank page, then set to work. Logan's ability to come up with example problems on the spur of the moment and out of his own head still baffled and amazed James. After Logan explained the example step by step, he wrote down another problem and handed it back so James could practice on it.
James shook his head at the paper. How had he lucked out like this, finding Logan? And why couldn't he have found him, like, a long time ago? "Man, why couldn't you have moved here years ago?" James asked, staring at his notebook.
"I did," Logan said. He seemed to be flipping through the chem book, for whatever reason. "It's been like three years now."
"I mean when we were kids, Logan!" James said, looking over at him fully. Like, say, third grade. "You could have been helping me with my homework this whole time!"
"What makes you think we would have even known each other if I'd moved here then?" Logan asked, glancing back.
"I don't know, but…whatever, it would have been cool," James said. It would have been better. If Logan had been helping him from the start…it would have been so much better than how things really turned out.
Because maybe then he wouldn't have failed a grade. Maybe everything…everything would have been different.
James didn't like this line of thinking and he shook his head to make it go away, but apparently that made him not think at all because the next thing he said was "My mom wouldn't have had to find me all those tutors."
At that Logan lifted his head, looking at James curiously. "…Why did you need so many?"
James shrugged. "Because I was dumb, I guess. And maybe kind of a brat? Oh and in high school I just kept seducing them all."
"…Really?"
The pause before Logan asked that question should have made James pause and Logan's expression should have been a warning but James wasn't really paying attention and he was still trying to get away from that uncomfortable voice reminding him about how one underachieving year in elementary school led to four miserable years of high school, so he was answering Logan's question before he could think better of it.
"Yeah," he said with another shrug, eyes flicking over his chemistry problem without really seeing it. "I probably went through three or four girl tutors before my mom tried a guy…but I coulda sworn he was into me so I went for it. He ended up quitting on his own…"
When James realized what he had just said he froze. That-he hadn't meant to say that. But…but it was out there now so, oh well. Logan was his friend, anyway, and it wasn't something James had any interest in or intention of hiding.
His sexuality, that is. The whole 'history of seducing tutors' thing he would have been okay with never mentioning. Ever.
Oops.
"Wait," Logan said, slowly, and when James risked a glance at him his expression was interesting but unreadable. "So…you've attempted to seduce all of your tutors the last few years? Even the one who was a guy?"
James nodded. "Yeah," he said, then got a bit defensive, because-well. Because. "What, you don't approve?"
Logan shook his head quickly. "No, that's not-I'm just wondering if I'm really that unattractive."
James opened his mouth and let it hang there for a second, then moved it a bit like he was going to say something but nothing managed to come out.
Logan smirked a little, and James felt his eyes go wide in disbelief. "Anyway," Logan said lightly, "have you finished that problem yet?"
"You're my friend!" James blurted out. What the hell? Of course he thought Logan was attractive, that was the problem!
"Right, your unattractive, nerdy friend who helps you with homework and isn't worth hitting on," Logan said lightly, turning back towards the book in his lap.
"Logan!" James said, his voice hard but sort of desperate at the same time. "That's not it at all!"
Logan shrugged, casually, and turned a page. "Whatever you say, James."
James glared at Logan, and was talking again before he could stop himself. "Did you hear the part where the one guy I tried to hit on left? You think I want to make you leave, too? You don't even like guys!"
Logan's eyes never left the page. "Hmm," he said, almost like it was about something he was reading, but James knew better.
"What?" James asked, exasperated and bordering on annoyed.
"Nothing. So have you finished that problem yet, or not?"
"That wasn't nothing," James countered, because it wasn't. Logan was just being difficult. "What is it?"
The corner of Logan's mouth turned up, because he enjoyed being difficult because he was a jerk. "We're supposed to be focusing on your homework, James."
"Logan, tell me." James reached over, eyes narrowed, and poked Logan in the arm. Hard.
"It's nothing," Logan repeated, his voice getting a clipped quality to it, like he was done playing around now. "Homework."
Like hell James was giving up that easily. "Tell me first," he said, with another poke.
Logan's eyebrows furrowed but he didn't look up. "There's nothing to tell."
"Liar." Two pokes.
"Quit poking me!"
"Tell me!"
"No!" And then Logan shoved James a little, probably to stop the poking, and a second later they were full-out wrestling on the bed, right on top of textbooks and notebooks and papers that Logan was probably going to yell at James for messing up later.
"Why won't you just tell me!" James asked as he fought Logan down against the mattress. Most of the books and such had been pushed on the floor already.
"Because we're here to do your fucking homework!"
"I'll do it after you tell me!" James had Logan pinned now and jumped on him to make resistance futile. He'd hold Logan down and tickle him till he gave in. Everyone was ticklish somewhere, right?
Except as James settled himself on Logan he was met with a surprise that…well, probably explained a lot. He looked at Logan, wide-eyed, but didn't loosen the grip he had on Logan's wrists. Logan looked back at him, his face flushed, expression somewhere between embarrassed and annoyed.
"…You do like boys," James said, stunned, his voice sounding odd. This was-he couldn't think. Logan…Logan was…
"Yeah, a little bit," Logan said with a huff, looking away.
Honestly James didn't know what made him do what he did next, considering how careful he'd been with Logan so far, but something in him couldn't help it. His brain was fried; he was running on instinct now. Or…yeah. So he rolled against Logan, just barely, but enough for Logan to look scandalized. "James!"
"That, um," James said with a smirk, "that doesn't feel like just 'a little bit.'" Logan narrowed his eyes, his face even redder now, but James didn't give him time to talk. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Why didn't you?" Logan countered immediately.
"Because," James said hesitantly, eyebrows furrowed, "I already said. I didn't, y'know…I didn't want you to leave."
Logan's eyes softened a bit, but his tone didn't. "Well maybe I didn't want you to, either."
James let go of Logan's wrists then and Logan's hands dropped to the bed, his eyes still focused on James like he was trying to figure out what to do, or at least what James was about to do. There were some pretty big revelations being thrown around here and James should probably take the time to process them at some point, but for now his brain wasn't working and he was on top of a hot guy who was obviously into him and who was also Logan and there was really only one thing to do in a situation like this.
He leaned down over Logan, setting his hands on the bed on either side of Logan's head, until Logan was looking straight up into his eyes. But then James stopped, as a stray thought occurred to him.
"I guess I seduced you anyway, huh?" he asked, maybe a little smug.
Logan scoffed. "What? No you didn't."
"Pretty sure this right here proves I did," James said, smiling. "Without even trying. So can I kiss you now?"
Logan's mouth opened and then closed as he blinked up at James. James didn't know what that was supposed to mean but he started moving in anyway. Logan could tell him no if he wanted to.
James was closing in on Logan's mouth when the door flew open and a loud voice said "Hey Logan, how's the-oh wow, man, I'm sorry, I'm just grabbing something real quick and I'll leave, don't mind me. Sorry!"
Logan froze but James sat up to find the owner of that voice. It was familiar…
When James saw him the name was out of his mouth before he could even think. "Carlos?"
"Yeah, I'm sorry, I didn't know, I'll just be a minute-"
"Carlos!" James said again, louder, and this time he turned, eyes going wide when he saw who had called him.
"James!"
And then James was nearly thrown back on the bed as Carlos rushed him with a hug. Luckily James had amazing abdominal muscles and managed to keep himself upright. And still on top of Logan, but he had sort of forgotten about that at seeing his old friend. He sort of forgot about everything, really, as he hugged Carlos back.
"Dude how have you been!" Carlos asked excitedly as they broke the hug. "And I see you've met Logan. You know I've thought before you two would be perfect for each other. Hey, sorry for interrupting! I guess we can catch up later? I didn't even know you went to this school! Wait till I tell Kendall! He'll be stoked! Okay well I guess I'll leave you guys to…whatever you're doing…but we seriously have to hang out, James! Bye Logan!"
Carlos left as abruptly as he'd entered, James blinking at the closed door. He's going to tell Kendall…
"I cannot believe you sat on me during that whole thing," Logan said, his voice full of indignant embarrassment.
"Yeah, sorry," James replied absently, moving off of Logan to sit on the bed again. "You know Carlos?"
"That's what I should be asking you," Logan said, sitting up as well. "And Kendall, too?"
"Yeah, they're…we've been friends forever." James's heart felt heavy. This was-seeing Carlos again had been-great, actually, even for just those few seconds, but…should it have been?
"Really? That's-wait. They've talked about you! Oh God I feel like such an idiot."
James turned to him, surprised. "Why? And really, they've talked about me?"
Logan nodded. "Yeah. I've like, seen pictures of you guys as kids. I should have put it together sooner. Wow."
"Pictures?" James asked, and his voice sounded pathetic but he was too overwhelmed to care right now. He had just seen Carlos. Hugged him, even.
"Yeah, um-Carlos, he. The other desk, there, that bulletin board above it, it's got pictures of you guys."
James was up and moving without conscious thought. He reached the desk and put his hands on the back of the chair to lean forward, eyes scanning the board. When he saw the first picture it felt like something caught in his throat.
Field day, third grade. The last year they were all together like that, all in the same grade. They had played field hockey, all on the same team, of course, and won. They were all holding their medals up proudly, but even then Kendall had the glint of something James had eventually recognized as a competitive streak a mile wide. A competitive streak James had been on the losing end of more times than he could count.
There were other pictures: birthday parties, peewee hockey, fishing trips. School field trips, but James wasn't in those, of course. Every picture he was in he was 12 or younger; no wonder Logan hadn't recognized him.
Wait. Logan. They had been in the middle of something, hadn't they? James turned back around slowly to see Logan still sitting on the bed, looking at him carefully.
"You're my age," Logan said, and that-was just one of the worst things Logan could have said right then, wow.
"Yeah, I'm 19," James said, all sorts of weird unpleasant feelings swirling in his chest, and he moved to pick up his things off the floor. "And I'm just gonna go."
"Wait, no, James," Logan said, suddenly crouched next to him and with a hand on his shoulder. "God, that-was dumb, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that, I just…I'm surprised, is all, I mean, that was a lot of surprises all at once and I'm…not handling it well. Don't go, though. We're not done with your homework."
James shook his head as he shoved his schoolwork in his backpack. "I can-I can finish it on my own, and it's not due till Tuesday, and just-I have to go."
"James," Logan said, forcefully, grabbing James by both shoulders now and looking him in the eye. "What's wrong?"
James opened his mouth but all that came out was a sort of pathetic whimper because he had no idea how to answer that question. "I can't-I can't be in this room," he finally managed.
"Okay," Logan said, his grip softening along with his voice. "Okay, let's go upstairs, then. I'll help you get your things."
James nodded numbly, letting Logan pull him to his feet and taking his backpack when Logan held it out to him. He moved forward when Logan tugged on his wrist, and it wasn't until he was unlocking the door to his own room that he realized he hadn't put his shoes on.
"My shoes," James said, blinking down at his socked feet.
"You can get them later," Logan told him, a slight amusement in his voice.
When he got in his room James fell down on his bed and curled in on himself, facing away from Logan. This was so stupid but he didn't know what else to do. He had tried so hard not to think about what it would be like meeting Carlos or Kendall here at school, and so he was completely unprepared for what it was actually like. If anything even could have prepared him for this. For feeling like a piece of himself that he had learned to live without was back now, and how he wanted it back but was afraid of it at the same time.
He stayed like that for a long time, just curled up on his bed and thinking and trying not to think and feeling and trying not to feel. He missed Carlos. He missed Kendall. He missed them so much it hurt but they were the ones who left and Kendall was the one who-who-
"Fuck," James said, under his breath. The word sounded pitiful.
Kendall didn't think he'd done anything wrong, James knew. Kendall never thought he did anything wrong. But dammit, James had been living in Kendall's shadow their whole lives and the only good thing about being a year behind meant that for the last year at each school James got to be on top. Or that was the plan, at least; fifth grade and eighth grade had been hampered because he was spending every afternoon listening to how much better the next school up was. But senior year. Senior year was going to be James's year.
And then Kendall had nominated someone else for hockey team captain.
They hadn't talked about it beforehand because James had just assumed, obviously incorrectly, that Kendall would choose his best friend to succeed him as captain. Especially since James was one of the best players on the team.
They didn't talk about it after because James had refused to be anywhere near Kendall after that. It was bad enough always being second-best, it was bad enough always being outnumbered in a group of three friends, it was bad enough that Kendall was fucking perfect at fucking everything but they had always been friends, best friends, on the same side even if James was on the losing side of most arguments, but..but then, Kendall had done that, and…
And James had still followed him and Carlos to college.
It wasn't entirely his idea; he didn't even want to go to college, or at least not a regular one because gen ed classes were stupid and he'd had enough of math and science to last him the rest of his life. But James's mom…she did want him to go to college, and, well. No one said no to his mom. Really, he was just lucky she was letting him pursue a creative degree rather than forcing him into a business program.
Brooke Diamond happened to have connections at a few schools around the state, meaning James's less-than-stellar grades wouldn't be as big of a factor in being accepted…and one of those schools was the one Kendall and Carlos had gone to. He could have chosen somewhere else. He didn't.
Because he fucking missed them.
And at least-at least it had been Carlos he saw first. James actually felt sort of bad about Carlos; he'd tried to keep in touch, e-mailing and texting and inviting James to come visit them on campus or wanting to hang out when they had a break from school, but James had dodged all the attempts at contact or replied saying he was too busy. Because he knew he wouldn't just be getting Carlos, Kendall would be there too, and James wanted nothing to do with Kendall.
Kendall never tried reaching out, not once since he graduated.
And now Carlos was going to tell Kendall that James was here and-what then? Would Kendall keep ignoring him? Would he act like nothing had happened? Would he want to be friends again?
Would James want to be friends again?
He already knew the answer to that question; he wouldn't have picked this stupid school if part of him didn't want things to go back to the way they were. Being without his best friends for a year was something like torture, made worse by the anger and sadness of abandonment and betrayal. If he could-if they could-but could they?
There was a rustling sound from somewhere behind James and he sucked in a sharp breath because Logan. Another complication, on top of everything. James liked Logan so much, had already come to rely on him so much, even after just a week and Logan-was their roommate. Their friend.
He had been their friend first.
He had been Kendall's friend first.
Because Kendall fucking got everything.
James felt a spike of possessive jealousy-well that was a feeling he hadn't missed-and sat up abruptly. He looked over at Logan, who was looking back, his expression guarded.
"I was going to kiss you," James said.
Logan blinked. "Uh, yeah…yeah, you were."
"Were you going to let me?" The words were sharper than James meant them to be.
Logan stared for a moment, then sighed. "I…maybe. That whole thing just caught me off-guard. But I don't-I don't think it's a good idea. For us to do…that."
James wasn't even surprised. He didn't get to have good things, things that he wanted, things that were his, when Kendall was around.
It still fucking hurt, though.
"Okay," James said, his gaze falling down to the bed.
"James." Logan's voice was strained, and a second later Logan was sitting at the end of the bed, facing him. "Don't do this, please. I like hanging out with you, okay? And I like tutoring you, which is…weird, because I've never liked tutoring anyone before. We're friends, and I don't-let's just stay friends, okay? I want us to be friends."
When James looked up at him, Logan's face was worried and pleading and James was distraught but he didn't want Logan to be. So James forced a pout, and made his voice whiny instead of pathetically desperate. "Just one kiss, first?"
Logan's expression broke into an amused smile and James felt good about himself again. "No," Logan said, eyebrows raised for emphasis. "Now, do you want to talk about the whole thing with…my roommates, or do you want to do more homework?"
James sighed, and looked around the room. "I'd rather go for a run. Or play video games."
"Video games I can do," Logan said, and got up to get the controllers.
James watched him with a slight smile on his face. Logan was still here; Logan was staying. Logan wanted to be friends. James hadn't screwed that up, at least.
The rest of it…he could deal with later.
TO BE CONTINUED!
Word Count: ~3,700 / 40,000+
For bigtimebang
Previous: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
---
The weird thing was, having Logan there helping him made James actually sort of want to do his homework, which was definitely a first. Hanging out with Logan (on Logan's bed!) while he did his smart-person-with-an-undeclared-major reading thing and James made his way cautiously through one chem problem after another, it was almost…fun.
What James didn't know was whether this was because Logan was just that awesome, or going so long without really having a friend to hang out with had made James desperate enough that even homework was fun in comparison to being alone. It didn't really matter, though.
James got stuck about halfway through the problem set and had to poke Logan to get his attention. (Had to, wanted to, whatever.) Logan glanced up, eyebrows raised in a question, and James pointed at his open textbook. "I don't get this one."
Logan set down his own book and pulled the chem textbook into his lap. "Oh, yeah, this one's a little different. I'll work a simpler one for you first." He tugged James's notebook away from him and flipped to a blank page, then set to work. Logan's ability to come up with example problems on the spur of the moment and out of his own head still baffled and amazed James. After Logan explained the example step by step, he wrote down another problem and handed it back so James could practice on it.
James shook his head at the paper. How had he lucked out like this, finding Logan? And why couldn't he have found him, like, a long time ago? "Man, why couldn't you have moved here years ago?" James asked, staring at his notebook.
"I did," Logan said. He seemed to be flipping through the chem book, for whatever reason. "It's been like three years now."
"I mean when we were kids, Logan!" James said, looking over at him fully. Like, say, third grade. "You could have been helping me with my homework this whole time!"
"What makes you think we would have even known each other if I'd moved here then?" Logan asked, glancing back.
"I don't know, but…whatever, it would have been cool," James said. It would have been better. If Logan had been helping him from the start…it would have been so much better than how things really turned out.
Because maybe then he wouldn't have failed a grade. Maybe everything…everything would have been different.
James didn't like this line of thinking and he shook his head to make it go away, but apparently that made him not think at all because the next thing he said was "My mom wouldn't have had to find me all those tutors."
At that Logan lifted his head, looking at James curiously. "…Why did you need so many?"
James shrugged. "Because I was dumb, I guess. And maybe kind of a brat? Oh and in high school I just kept seducing them all."
"…Really?"
The pause before Logan asked that question should have made James pause and Logan's expression should have been a warning but James wasn't really paying attention and he was still trying to get away from that uncomfortable voice reminding him about how one underachieving year in elementary school led to four miserable years of high school, so he was answering Logan's question before he could think better of it.
"Yeah," he said with another shrug, eyes flicking over his chemistry problem without really seeing it. "I probably went through three or four girl tutors before my mom tried a guy…but I coulda sworn he was into me so I went for it. He ended up quitting on his own…"
When James realized what he had just said he froze. That-he hadn't meant to say that. But…but it was out there now so, oh well. Logan was his friend, anyway, and it wasn't something James had any interest in or intention of hiding.
His sexuality, that is. The whole 'history of seducing tutors' thing he would have been okay with never mentioning. Ever.
Oops.
"Wait," Logan said, slowly, and when James risked a glance at him his expression was interesting but unreadable. "So…you've attempted to seduce all of your tutors the last few years? Even the one who was a guy?"
James nodded. "Yeah," he said, then got a bit defensive, because-well. Because. "What, you don't approve?"
Logan shook his head quickly. "No, that's not-I'm just wondering if I'm really that unattractive."
James opened his mouth and let it hang there for a second, then moved it a bit like he was going to say something but nothing managed to come out.
Logan smirked a little, and James felt his eyes go wide in disbelief. "Anyway," Logan said lightly, "have you finished that problem yet?"
"You're my friend!" James blurted out. What the hell? Of course he thought Logan was attractive, that was the problem!
"Right, your unattractive, nerdy friend who helps you with homework and isn't worth hitting on," Logan said lightly, turning back towards the book in his lap.
"Logan!" James said, his voice hard but sort of desperate at the same time. "That's not it at all!"
Logan shrugged, casually, and turned a page. "Whatever you say, James."
James glared at Logan, and was talking again before he could stop himself. "Did you hear the part where the one guy I tried to hit on left? You think I want to make you leave, too? You don't even like guys!"
Logan's eyes never left the page. "Hmm," he said, almost like it was about something he was reading, but James knew better.
"What?" James asked, exasperated and bordering on annoyed.
"Nothing. So have you finished that problem yet, or not?"
"That wasn't nothing," James countered, because it wasn't. Logan was just being difficult. "What is it?"
The corner of Logan's mouth turned up, because he enjoyed being difficult because he was a jerk. "We're supposed to be focusing on your homework, James."
"Logan, tell me." James reached over, eyes narrowed, and poked Logan in the arm. Hard.
"It's nothing," Logan repeated, his voice getting a clipped quality to it, like he was done playing around now. "Homework."
Like hell James was giving up that easily. "Tell me first," he said, with another poke.
Logan's eyebrows furrowed but he didn't look up. "There's nothing to tell."
"Liar." Two pokes.
"Quit poking me!"
"Tell me!"
"No!" And then Logan shoved James a little, probably to stop the poking, and a second later they were full-out wrestling on the bed, right on top of textbooks and notebooks and papers that Logan was probably going to yell at James for messing up later.
"Why won't you just tell me!" James asked as he fought Logan down against the mattress. Most of the books and such had been pushed on the floor already.
"Because we're here to do your fucking homework!"
"I'll do it after you tell me!" James had Logan pinned now and jumped on him to make resistance futile. He'd hold Logan down and tickle him till he gave in. Everyone was ticklish somewhere, right?
Except as James settled himself on Logan he was met with a surprise that…well, probably explained a lot. He looked at Logan, wide-eyed, but didn't loosen the grip he had on Logan's wrists. Logan looked back at him, his face flushed, expression somewhere between embarrassed and annoyed.
"…You do like boys," James said, stunned, his voice sounding odd. This was-he couldn't think. Logan…Logan was…
"Yeah, a little bit," Logan said with a huff, looking away.
Honestly James didn't know what made him do what he did next, considering how careful he'd been with Logan so far, but something in him couldn't help it. His brain was fried; he was running on instinct now. Or…yeah. So he rolled against Logan, just barely, but enough for Logan to look scandalized. "James!"
"That, um," James said with a smirk, "that doesn't feel like just 'a little bit.'" Logan narrowed his eyes, his face even redder now, but James didn't give him time to talk. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Why didn't you?" Logan countered immediately.
"Because," James said hesitantly, eyebrows furrowed, "I already said. I didn't, y'know…I didn't want you to leave."
Logan's eyes softened a bit, but his tone didn't. "Well maybe I didn't want you to, either."
James let go of Logan's wrists then and Logan's hands dropped to the bed, his eyes still focused on James like he was trying to figure out what to do, or at least what James was about to do. There were some pretty big revelations being thrown around here and James should probably take the time to process them at some point, but for now his brain wasn't working and he was on top of a hot guy who was obviously into him and who was also Logan and there was really only one thing to do in a situation like this.
He leaned down over Logan, setting his hands on the bed on either side of Logan's head, until Logan was looking straight up into his eyes. But then James stopped, as a stray thought occurred to him.
"I guess I seduced you anyway, huh?" he asked, maybe a little smug.
Logan scoffed. "What? No you didn't."
"Pretty sure this right here proves I did," James said, smiling. "Without even trying. So can I kiss you now?"
Logan's mouth opened and then closed as he blinked up at James. James didn't know what that was supposed to mean but he started moving in anyway. Logan could tell him no if he wanted to.
James was closing in on Logan's mouth when the door flew open and a loud voice said "Hey Logan, how's the-oh wow, man, I'm sorry, I'm just grabbing something real quick and I'll leave, don't mind me. Sorry!"
Logan froze but James sat up to find the owner of that voice. It was familiar…
When James saw him the name was out of his mouth before he could even think. "Carlos?"
"Yeah, I'm sorry, I didn't know, I'll just be a minute-"
"Carlos!" James said again, louder, and this time he turned, eyes going wide when he saw who had called him.
"James!"
And then James was nearly thrown back on the bed as Carlos rushed him with a hug. Luckily James had amazing abdominal muscles and managed to keep himself upright. And still on top of Logan, but he had sort of forgotten about that at seeing his old friend. He sort of forgot about everything, really, as he hugged Carlos back.
"Dude how have you been!" Carlos asked excitedly as they broke the hug. "And I see you've met Logan. You know I've thought before you two would be perfect for each other. Hey, sorry for interrupting! I guess we can catch up later? I didn't even know you went to this school! Wait till I tell Kendall! He'll be stoked! Okay well I guess I'll leave you guys to…whatever you're doing…but we seriously have to hang out, James! Bye Logan!"
Carlos left as abruptly as he'd entered, James blinking at the closed door. He's going to tell Kendall…
"I cannot believe you sat on me during that whole thing," Logan said, his voice full of indignant embarrassment.
"Yeah, sorry," James replied absently, moving off of Logan to sit on the bed again. "You know Carlos?"
"That's what I should be asking you," Logan said, sitting up as well. "And Kendall, too?"
"Yeah, they're…we've been friends forever." James's heart felt heavy. This was-seeing Carlos again had been-great, actually, even for just those few seconds, but…should it have been?
"Really? That's-wait. They've talked about you! Oh God I feel like such an idiot."
James turned to him, surprised. "Why? And really, they've talked about me?"
Logan nodded. "Yeah. I've like, seen pictures of you guys as kids. I should have put it together sooner. Wow."
"Pictures?" James asked, and his voice sounded pathetic but he was too overwhelmed to care right now. He had just seen Carlos. Hugged him, even.
"Yeah, um-Carlos, he. The other desk, there, that bulletin board above it, it's got pictures of you guys."
James was up and moving without conscious thought. He reached the desk and put his hands on the back of the chair to lean forward, eyes scanning the board. When he saw the first picture it felt like something caught in his throat.
Field day, third grade. The last year they were all together like that, all in the same grade. They had played field hockey, all on the same team, of course, and won. They were all holding their medals up proudly, but even then Kendall had the glint of something James had eventually recognized as a competitive streak a mile wide. A competitive streak James had been on the losing end of more times than he could count.
There were other pictures: birthday parties, peewee hockey, fishing trips. School field trips, but James wasn't in those, of course. Every picture he was in he was 12 or younger; no wonder Logan hadn't recognized him.
Wait. Logan. They had been in the middle of something, hadn't they? James turned back around slowly to see Logan still sitting on the bed, looking at him carefully.
"You're my age," Logan said, and that-was just one of the worst things Logan could have said right then, wow.
"Yeah, I'm 19," James said, all sorts of weird unpleasant feelings swirling in his chest, and he moved to pick up his things off the floor. "And I'm just gonna go."
"Wait, no, James," Logan said, suddenly crouched next to him and with a hand on his shoulder. "God, that-was dumb, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that, I just…I'm surprised, is all, I mean, that was a lot of surprises all at once and I'm…not handling it well. Don't go, though. We're not done with your homework."
James shook his head as he shoved his schoolwork in his backpack. "I can-I can finish it on my own, and it's not due till Tuesday, and just-I have to go."
"James," Logan said, forcefully, grabbing James by both shoulders now and looking him in the eye. "What's wrong?"
James opened his mouth but all that came out was a sort of pathetic whimper because he had no idea how to answer that question. "I can't-I can't be in this room," he finally managed.
"Okay," Logan said, his grip softening along with his voice. "Okay, let's go upstairs, then. I'll help you get your things."
James nodded numbly, letting Logan pull him to his feet and taking his backpack when Logan held it out to him. He moved forward when Logan tugged on his wrist, and it wasn't until he was unlocking the door to his own room that he realized he hadn't put his shoes on.
"My shoes," James said, blinking down at his socked feet.
"You can get them later," Logan told him, a slight amusement in his voice.
When he got in his room James fell down on his bed and curled in on himself, facing away from Logan. This was so stupid but he didn't know what else to do. He had tried so hard not to think about what it would be like meeting Carlos or Kendall here at school, and so he was completely unprepared for what it was actually like. If anything even could have prepared him for this. For feeling like a piece of himself that he had learned to live without was back now, and how he wanted it back but was afraid of it at the same time.
He stayed like that for a long time, just curled up on his bed and thinking and trying not to think and feeling and trying not to feel. He missed Carlos. He missed Kendall. He missed them so much it hurt but they were the ones who left and Kendall was the one who-who-
"Fuck," James said, under his breath. The word sounded pitiful.
Kendall didn't think he'd done anything wrong, James knew. Kendall never thought he did anything wrong. But dammit, James had been living in Kendall's shadow their whole lives and the only good thing about being a year behind meant that for the last year at each school James got to be on top. Or that was the plan, at least; fifth grade and eighth grade had been hampered because he was spending every afternoon listening to how much better the next school up was. But senior year. Senior year was going to be James's year.
And then Kendall had nominated someone else for hockey team captain.
They hadn't talked about it beforehand because James had just assumed, obviously incorrectly, that Kendall would choose his best friend to succeed him as captain. Especially since James was one of the best players on the team.
They didn't talk about it after because James had refused to be anywhere near Kendall after that. It was bad enough always being second-best, it was bad enough always being outnumbered in a group of three friends, it was bad enough that Kendall was fucking perfect at fucking everything but they had always been friends, best friends, on the same side even if James was on the losing side of most arguments, but..but then, Kendall had done that, and…
And James had still followed him and Carlos to college.
It wasn't entirely his idea; he didn't even want to go to college, or at least not a regular one because gen ed classes were stupid and he'd had enough of math and science to last him the rest of his life. But James's mom…she did want him to go to college, and, well. No one said no to his mom. Really, he was just lucky she was letting him pursue a creative degree rather than forcing him into a business program.
Brooke Diamond happened to have connections at a few schools around the state, meaning James's less-than-stellar grades wouldn't be as big of a factor in being accepted…and one of those schools was the one Kendall and Carlos had gone to. He could have chosen somewhere else. He didn't.
Because he fucking missed them.
And at least-at least it had been Carlos he saw first. James actually felt sort of bad about Carlos; he'd tried to keep in touch, e-mailing and texting and inviting James to come visit them on campus or wanting to hang out when they had a break from school, but James had dodged all the attempts at contact or replied saying he was too busy. Because he knew he wouldn't just be getting Carlos, Kendall would be there too, and James wanted nothing to do with Kendall.
Kendall never tried reaching out, not once since he graduated.
And now Carlos was going to tell Kendall that James was here and-what then? Would Kendall keep ignoring him? Would he act like nothing had happened? Would he want to be friends again?
Would James want to be friends again?
He already knew the answer to that question; he wouldn't have picked this stupid school if part of him didn't want things to go back to the way they were. Being without his best friends for a year was something like torture, made worse by the anger and sadness of abandonment and betrayal. If he could-if they could-but could they?
There was a rustling sound from somewhere behind James and he sucked in a sharp breath because Logan. Another complication, on top of everything. James liked Logan so much, had already come to rely on him so much, even after just a week and Logan-was their roommate. Their friend.
He had been their friend first.
He had been Kendall's friend first.
Because Kendall fucking got everything.
James felt a spike of possessive jealousy-well that was a feeling he hadn't missed-and sat up abruptly. He looked over at Logan, who was looking back, his expression guarded.
"I was going to kiss you," James said.
Logan blinked. "Uh, yeah…yeah, you were."
"Were you going to let me?" The words were sharper than James meant them to be.
Logan stared for a moment, then sighed. "I…maybe. That whole thing just caught me off-guard. But I don't-I don't think it's a good idea. For us to do…that."
James wasn't even surprised. He didn't get to have good things, things that he wanted, things that were his, when Kendall was around.
It still fucking hurt, though.
"Okay," James said, his gaze falling down to the bed.
"James." Logan's voice was strained, and a second later Logan was sitting at the end of the bed, facing him. "Don't do this, please. I like hanging out with you, okay? And I like tutoring you, which is…weird, because I've never liked tutoring anyone before. We're friends, and I don't-let's just stay friends, okay? I want us to be friends."
When James looked up at him, Logan's face was worried and pleading and James was distraught but he didn't want Logan to be. So James forced a pout, and made his voice whiny instead of pathetically desperate. "Just one kiss, first?"
Logan's expression broke into an amused smile and James felt good about himself again. "No," Logan said, eyebrows raised for emphasis. "Now, do you want to talk about the whole thing with…my roommates, or do you want to do more homework?"
James sighed, and looked around the room. "I'd rather go for a run. Or play video games."
"Video games I can do," Logan said, and got up to get the controllers.
James watched him with a slight smile on his face. Logan was still here; Logan was staying. Logan wanted to be friends. James hadn't screwed that up, at least.
The rest of it…he could deal with later.
TO BE CONTINUED!