Will I ever truly find myself?
The last two years have been the best of my life. It seems as if my life just keeps getting better. But at times I find myself struggling. Maybe right now it's that I have so much free time. I think, too, that my body is in shock from the past 2 weeks of no pain after 5 1/2 months of migraines every single bleeping day. It's also still a shock that I finally, finally graduated. I have a decent amount of the knowledge I want and need to make my life and career into what I want it to be. I don't feel like it's enough. I have no work history I can put on an application. While my past mental and emotional issues made me who I am today, and I wouldn't change that even if I could, the job history problem is a pretty major one. This is a very big reason why I decided to continue my education. However, to do that, I need a job so I can pay for it. Well, I'm not going to worry too much. Luckily, my parents will still help. Maybe I can find a GA position for the spring semester. In any case, I am looking forward to my first semester as a graduate student. Friday I bought the 2 required books and checked out the optional book from the library (grad students get material for 4 months!) for the prerequesite undergraduate class for one of my classes. I did not take any planning classes as an undergraduate, but planning is what I want to mainly focus on for my primary emphasis. I read the introductions to all of the books and I'm on chapter 3 of Cities of Tomorrow, an intriguing book on planning history and theory. I decided it should be the first I read since the author is mentioned in one of the other books. Unsurprisingly, it's a bit dry and hard to get through, but I am definitely very interested in it. I should at least know what's going on instead of floundering unprepared.
So the classes I'm taking are Land Use Planning (for my Geography/Planning primary emphasis) and Environmental Health (for my Environmental Policy secondary emphasis). I know I have 2 months left, but I'm really excited. I have a lot of reading to do in that time. I can't believe a month has passed since I graduated. I lost half of that due to the worst migraines. Oh well. I have time to prepare still. If I can utilize it wisely, I'll be okay. It's just so hard to get motivated lately. Motivation is still the thing I struggle with the most. Despite having come so far and made so much progress in since New Year's, I tend to just waste time. It's been so hot, I just want to lie in front of the fan. We tied the record today at 99 degrees. The forecast for Thursday is 101. Supposedly the last time we reached 100 in June was in the '60s. Even with my air and fans on, it's almost 80 in my apartment.
I've been having a lot of vivid dreams. Two nights this past week I've dreamed I was in Ecuador again. My parents were with me in one, and I was buying as much coffee and chocolate as I could. Haha. It's almost been a year. It makes me sad when I wake up from those dreams. I felt so alive there. I feel useless here.
I hope my creativity returns soon. I've had this block for far too long. I haven't been satisfied with my poetry or paintings.
I guess I just hope this upcoming trip with my parents will be the key. Maybe then my confidence will come back. For now, I just have to trudge through.
So the classes I'm taking are Land Use Planning (for my Geography/Planning primary emphasis) and Environmental Health (for my Environmental Policy secondary emphasis). I know I have 2 months left, but I'm really excited. I have a lot of reading to do in that time. I can't believe a month has passed since I graduated. I lost half of that due to the worst migraines. Oh well. I have time to prepare still. If I can utilize it wisely, I'll be okay. It's just so hard to get motivated lately. Motivation is still the thing I struggle with the most. Despite having come so far and made so much progress in since New Year's, I tend to just waste time. It's been so hot, I just want to lie in front of the fan. We tied the record today at 99 degrees. The forecast for Thursday is 101. Supposedly the last time we reached 100 in June was in the '60s. Even with my air and fans on, it's almost 80 in my apartment.
I've been having a lot of vivid dreams. Two nights this past week I've dreamed I was in Ecuador again. My parents were with me in one, and I was buying as much coffee and chocolate as I could. Haha. It's almost been a year. It makes me sad when I wake up from those dreams. I felt so alive there. I feel useless here.
I hope my creativity returns soon. I've had this block for far too long. I haven't been satisfied with my poetry or paintings.
I guess I just hope this upcoming trip with my parents will be the key. Maybe then my confidence will come back. For now, I just have to trudge through.