This is what occurs when Maureen drinks a pot of coffee...(thank goodness for spell check!)
In the last year, maybe more, I have learned that I am a good liar. Now, I mean that I have succeeded in lying to most around me, or have convinced myself that I successfully lied to those around me. Either option, not so good. So I guess I want to apologize, for either and/ or both situations. I also guess I have your attention and you might want to know what the hell I'm talking about, right? Okay, so I want to apologize for pushing away those close to me and or even at times, flat out ignoring you. It was selfish, but for me, it was necessary. However, an explanation to those people, might have been the better way to handle the need for space and distance. I'm sorry. I never stopped caring, I just couldn't care anymore ...if that makes any sense at all. I needed a break. But I totally facebook/lj stalked you all and still wanted to know what was going on with you, lol. I did try and be around, just in the background. I desperately needed to know how you all were, but couldn't actually engage. Most of it, to be brutally honest, was I didn't want to have to share what was going on with me. Embarrassment, shame, fear, not wanting pity and mostly my pride, kept me hidden away. No excuse I guess, but I didn't think I needed help and I wasn't gonna ask for it, especially, once I figured I might need it. I was also afraid of rejection, I didn't want to finally reach out and be told to f- off. Although, I would not have blamed some for doing just that. I don't expect anything from this post, I just NEEDED to share this. When the time comes, personal apologies and conversations will happen, I'm just trying baby steps here.
Which brings me around (kinda) to another train of thought. I once thought I had many friends, and I guess that's still true, but all these bonds are not what they once were. Now, this happens naturally over time, people growing apart and so on and so forth. What does one do about such a situation? Is it necessary to try and "fix" some/all of these relationships or is it just life? Is it normal that almost every friendship I have currently, has diminished? Now I admit, I had a LARGE hand in that. As I mentioned before, I stepped away from just about everyone, for different reasons. For clarity, I don't ask for pity or for you to even ask about these things, or hell, even care, because I will share at will to whom I choose. However, I did make that choice on my own, so I acknowledge my responsibility in the whole mess, but I guess I just want to know if a) anyone really cares that I'm "better" or at least working on it and starting to succeed, b) wasn't trying to hurt anyone (i'm not aware of doing this, but feel it is possible someone/anyone/everyone could have taken my seclusion personally) and c) that I miss my friends. I don't remember what its like to have a bad day and call up a friend for a pep talk. I know that's a bit of an exaggeration, but sometimes it feels that way. Now don't get me wrong, I do have a support system and a very good one at that, its just not as big as it once was. I was hoping to see if I could change that.
I have now officially rambled on for too long, but the moral of my story is:
I'm sorry.