[Fic] Before You Go - Chapter 20
Title: Before You Go
Pairing(s): Jaemin, Yoosu
Length: Chaptered 20/?
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: (gang) violence, language, abduction
Genre: AU, drama, angst
Summary: Jaejoong and his cousin have been swept up into the world of violence and gangs. The struggle and fight for his sanity is complicated greatly by the addition of a certain Shim Changmin into the mix. Will he be able to protect those he loves as well as save himself?
A/N: I'm so sorry to keep you all waiting!! TTTT~ forgive me!! this fic is being a monster to me right now haha = = but i have the next chapter already mostly written so you can expect more soon(er) -0-!!
Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 - part 1 - part 2 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 |
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Junsu didn’t let go of Jaejoong’s arm throughout the whole subway ride towards the rich part of the city where the Shim residence was. His fingers remained stubbornly wrapped around the other one’s arm while Jaejoong slumped in his seat, eyes staring fixedly at the screen that announced the stops.
Usually one to plan out his every move ahead of time to ensure smooth success, Jaejoong was running towards his destination headlong. He didn’t have time to waste on thinking up a reasonable plan of action, but the recklessness with which he left his house, the unpredictability at the end of this train ride, made him feel jittery and anxious.
He knew he was being irrational and stupid, lead by his pounding heart alone, but he decided that all the other things didn’t matter at this point. Too many things could go wrong if he waited just a few more days, and Jaejoong was through with it all. He liked the feeling of actually doing something, though every long minute that passed spent on the train had his muscles tensing all the more.
He hardly waited for the door to open the whole way before he was stepping out of the train, practically dragging Junsu along as he focused singularly on the thought that he was now finally on his way to go get Changmin.
Although Junsu had attempted to ask exactly where they were headed at various times, Jaejoong had opted for silence. Junsu eventually followed suit, although a permanent crease now marked his brow.
Junsu tried valiantly to pull Jaejoong back into a more suitable pace for an injured man amidst a jostling crowd, but gave up to guiding him around people as best he could as Jaejoong lead the way, striding out of the station with a purpose.
They hardly paused to catch their breath as they walked rapidly through the twisting streets, large expensive houses closed off behind brick walls and black iron-wrought gates towering around them on all sides. Jaejoong’s breath was coming in short gasps, struggling to push his body faster while it was slowing of its own accord, giving up on him regardless of his intense mental determination.
At a crossroads Junsu finally managed to force Jaejoong to a standstill, the older man leaning heavily upon him as he took in large breaths of air. Jaejoong’s vision blurred in and out dangerously, and he clutched at Junsu, fingers digging into his arms. He had to be stronger than this. He had to keep going. He now regretted being such a lazy wimp the last few days, he should have been preparing. How could he expect to take Changmin away when he was in this state?
“Are you okay?” Junsu’s tentative voice fought its way through the haze and Jaejoong turned to look into his face.
After a few moments Junsu’s drawn expression came into focus and steadied. Jaejoong stared at him a moment longer before abruptly turning, feet already moving again. Beside him Junsu let out a small sigh, but Jaejoong now moved at a slightly slower speed and the younger man didn’t say anything.
They seemed to be in a maze of impenetrable walls, but as the road began to curve slightly down and to the right Jaejoong started scanning the numbers on the small golden plaques displayed near the gates. They were close, and he fought against the urge to speed back up.
But now that they were here… how was he supposed to get in? How could he get to Changmin and fight off, if not avoid, Mr. Shim? He thought he's most likely be able to scale the wall, but how could he get into the house and find Changmin?
Focused too intently on the task at hand, senses muted by pain and fatigue coupled with the practically nonexistent presence of his once sharp defenses, he didn’t realize how suspicious the large dark van they just passed was until he heard a car door opening behind them. Then there were rushing steps.
Before he could even turn around there were hands latching onto the back of his shirt and apparently Junsu’s as beside him his cousin let out a shrill cry of surprise. Using their moment of complete unguarded surprise, the hands pulled them backwards and around the corner of a high wall before they were able to twist around and see their attacker.
All the sudden adrenaline and the frantic urge to swing his fists melted from his body as Jaejoong saw who it was. Yoochun pushed them gently up against the wall, eyes darting to check down the street and all around them before coming back to look them in the face.
His hands dropped from their shirts, but flew back up again to cup across Junsu’s mouth as he drew in a deep breath - seeming about to yell or shout into the face of the man in front of them. Junsu’s eyes bulged slightly as Yoochun’s hands successfully muffled the sound.
Almost at the same moment, his whole face flushed, eyes glinting as they met Yoochun’s steady dark gaze. Whether it was from embarrassment or anger, Jaejoong couldn’t tell, but he was more annoyed than anything.
“ What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
Yoochun didn’t look away from Junsu as Jaejoong demanded an explanation, only murmured out a quiet, “Shhhh.”
Jaejoong frowned at him, but grudgingly lowered his voice. “What’s going on?”
Seeming reluctant to break the silent stare down he was having with Junsu, it was a few long moments before Yoochun finally dragged his eyes away to glance at Jaejoong. Junsu took the opportunity to reach up and rather roughly shove away the hands that had remained pressed against his mouth.
“Don’t be a fool.” Yoochun muttered, eyes sweeping over Jaejoong’s face and body.
Jaejoong tried to glare at him, but knew only too well he must look pale and haggard, not to mention his body chose that same moment to sway slightly as strained muscles finally had an opportunity to express their distress to the rigorous ordeal he’d put them through.
“I don’t know what you were planning to accomplish running head first into the situation while you can barely keep yourself up.”
Jaejoong didn’t like the man’s tone, like always. He wanted to lash out and show him how much he distrusted him, like always. But he forced his temper down and met Yoochun’s eyes. “I don’t have time to screw around. If you’re not going to help me, then I suggest you just get out of my way.”
Yoochun met his gaze unflinchingly, seeming unfazed by Jaejoong’s tough exterior. He looked like he wanted to retaliate to the words, but very obviously took a deep breath to calm himself and let it out slowly.
“I don’t want to fight with you. We… want the same things, okay? Just hear me out first.”
Jaejoong stared him down, feeling more and more anxious with every minute they spent wasted here on the street. As if he could sense Jaejoong’s inner turmoil, Junsu’s fingers suddenly slid against his, tugging his hand into a warm, sweaty grip. He could practically hear the touch begging him just as he was sure Junsu’s eyes would be doing. He sighed. “Talk, then.”
Yoochun looked at him a moment longer, though Jaejoong could have sworn those chocolate eyes flickered briefly to their entwined hands. He couldn’t read the man’s face, but his voice was slightly more coarse as he spoke again. “Come on.” He commanded, jerking his head back in the direction they’d come. “It’s not safe to talk here in the open.”
He turned to walk back around the corner, and Jaejoong turned his head slightly to find Junsu following Yoochun’s retreating form with an odd expression on his face. He really didn’t want to follow the man, but now that his single-minded mission had been broken, he felt his strong motivation to just go get in there at any cost fading and wilting. He really…did need some kind of plan. It wouldn’t help anyone to end up taking a beating or be thrown out on the street.
He was the first one to move after Yoochun, deciding to keep a firm grip on Junsu’s hand although the other seemed like he wanted nothing more than to walk resolutely in the other direction.
“Come on, Su.” He had to pull the other along after him. Junsu didn’t say a word, but his face was stony and eyes hooded as they walked around the corner to find the back of the van open before them.
It was full of computers, electronic devices, and camera screens that showed various scenes of the street and one particular house gate.
Jaejoong tried to suppress the surprise he felt at the sight, and his eyes roamed over the various devices as they cautiously climbed up into the van to find Yoochun and some other man waiting for them. The other man closed the door behind them then set to work fiddling with one of the computers.
Junsu huddled against him as they fit into the cramped space, and Jaejoong felt stupid that he felt relieved to see no hint of smug justification on Yoochun’s face. No ‘I told you so’s’. He supposed he’d have to start believing him now, but was not sure of where that put him in the scheme of things.
“Why did you bring us here?” He asked instead, demanding an explanation as he felt himself slipping towards helplessness. Surrounded here by all the high-tech, obviously government operated materials, he felt so undertrained, so under informed, and so foolish to think he could go about anything on his own. This was so much bigger than that.
Yoochun pointed out a few of the screens, explaining the scenes they depicted of the Shim’s house, as well as giving details of the guard rotations as they could clearly see dark figures standing sentinel in every frame.
The feeling of inadequacy filling his gut only grew with each passing moment as he listened to Yoochun. He tried to not be surprised as the man gave them more details about not only the house but the man himself, and Jaejoong berated himself silently for thinking he could have ever possibly succeeded in infiltrating the place alone. Especially as he realized how important dealing with Shim correctly actually was. The feeling was bitter, and he lost even more confidence as he realized what he was up against.
Yoochun seemed unaware of, or more likely chose to ignore, the way Jaejoong’s jaw clamped down on itself, and the way his hand clenched Junsu’s almost painfully. Yoochun paused to take a breath, and Jaejoong forced his voice to cooperate.
“And why are you telling us this?”
Yoochun frowned at him, the expression showing he clearly thought Jaejoong would have caught on and figured out the point by now. “Knowledge is power. Everything more you know about him can help you to lure him, control him, can help you to know just how he’ll think, how he’ll want to use you-”
“I’m going to let him use me?” Jaejoong cut in, resenting the way Yoochun seemed to be telling him what to do. He didn’t need another boss.
“How else can you get into his confidence?” Yoochun responded smoothly. “Think about it, Jaejoong. Who else but you can offer him anything of value? And who else has such a dependable guarantee like you do? Because he already has something over you.”
Jaejoong struggled to follow all that Yoochun was implying. “And just what does he hold over me?” The stare Yoochun gave him made his mind race as he realized already what it was as soon as he had asked. “No. I won’t use Changmin like that.”
A gusty sight left Yoochun’s lips, he was getting exasperated. “Nothing will happen to him.”
“You can’t promise me that.” Jaejoong clipped his words, all ready to turn and leave the van and everything Yoochun had told them behind with it.
“Hyung.” Junsu’s hesitant voice cut between them and Yoochun’s reaction was almost comical in the way his head whipped quickly around to look at him.
But Junsu was only looking at Jaejoong, his free hand coming up to grasp onto their already joined hands. “You shouldn’t do this.” His voice was low and urgent, his eyes were pleading. “It’s exactly what he wants you to do. Nothing will change if you do this.”
Jaejoong looked into those eyes silently. He didn’t know if Junsu knew all that was at stake…but then again it wasn’t as if Mr. Shim would do anything to Changmin himself. He was in the safest place he could ever be. It was only Jaejoong’s own unstoppable longing, his need to be together with the other that spurred this whole crazy mess. To him it was only about that. And it would be worth it, too.
But here Yoochun was placing all sorts of other expectations and responsibilities on his shoulders. To Yoochun he was a tool to bring Mr. Shim out of hiding and expose his crimes. That was a greater cause that might just free them all. If he succeeded. Even if he did manage it, would things really change? Or could he just hide his true intentions under the guise of switching sides, and make a run for it as soon as he got what he wanted?
He let his shoulders sag; he would probably endanger Changmin more if he actually went into this. If he just left it all alone, he would be safe. But then he would never see him again.
Yoochun and Junsu were quietly watching him as he struggled with his own thoughts. He wanted to protect Changmin, but he couldn’t imagine living without him. And Changmin might need him right now. He could always switch sides for real if he had to. He really had nothing to lose, did he?
He didn’t realize he was trembling until Junsu was suddenly leaning forward, wrapping soft arms around him. His head fell to Junsu’s shoulder, seeking comfort and finding relief in the unconditional acceptance his cousin offered. A few quiet moments passed, and Jaejoong sucked in slow calming breaths.
“I’m willing to take that risk.” He was speaking before he had even realized he’d made his decision, and his voice was surprisingly steady.
Junsu’s arms tightened around him, “I don’t want you to. What if something happens to you again?”
The whisper was hot in his ear and Jaejoong’s heart stilled at the open vulnerability. Junsu had never asked him to stop, never questioned his decisions, never made him doubt himself. He slowly pushed Junsu from himself, pulling back to look into his glassy eyes.
Yoochun’s tense voice cut in before he could form a reply. “Nothing will happen to him.”
Jaejoong spared a glance for the man, noticing the way his hands were clenched into fists, and the way his dark eyes burned as they stared at Junsu’s arms which were still looped loosely around Jaejoong’s neck. His face was open and readable, the hurt and longing displayed for all to see. He was so obvious.
Feeling uncomfortable under that broken stare, and quite confused as to how Junsu didn’t seem to notice a thing, Jaejoong gently removed the arms from about him. He placated Junsu’s pout by reaching instead to take hold of his hand once again.
Yoochun’s eyes flickered up to find Jaejoong staring at him, and with an effort he seemed to compose his face. Caught in the act and unable to hide himself, he rather awkwardly yet undeniably attempted a small bitter smile. Jaejoong was struck by the way the expression flooded the other’s face with kind warmth, and a fleeting thought that this may be the real Yoochun coursed through his mind.
“Please.” Yoochun asked quietly. “All I need you to do is let Shim think he turned you into his man. Owns you. If he gets blinded by your usefulness and his own greed, he may play right into our hands.” His eyes were so imploring. “We have surveillance on the place at all times. We can whisk Changmin away the moment he seems threatened. ”
Jaejoong’s heart clenched. “Why can’t you take him now?” Although he already knew the answer, the reason why Changmin must stay in Shim’s house, he couldn’t help the desire to just get him out of harm’s way.
Yoochun shook his head, expression sorry. “He’s the only condition.”
“I know.” Jaejoong replied quietly, wishing there was another way. As much as he hated the fact that he would essentially be using Changmin, he was also offering himself up for use. “What should I do first, then?”
The words brought another small smile to Yoochun’s face, and Jaejoong momentarily contemplated returning the gesture. It seemed like from now they were in this together.
As Yoochun turned and picked up a pile of wires, unwinding them to reveal a small microphone, Jaejoong’s eyes went past him to look at the large white gates. They seemed to beckon him in just as they dared him to even try. He squeezed Junsu’s hand and reached for the equipment.
*****
Changmin hadn’t slept for days. Not anything deep enough or long enough to call real sleep, anyway. It was the only way he could avoid the darkness and the sinister nightmares that waited for him behind closed eyes and consciousness.
Not that real memories didn’t plague him during waking hours as well. His whole disposition seemed to have changed into a jumpy, distrustful, frightened child. Small noises had him tensing up, footsteps passing outside his door had him cowering in the corner, wrapping himself in the pathetic protection of his own arms.
It was also his current position, and had been the place he fled to in refuge after being escorted back to his room after the horrid ordeal that was dinner.
Burying his face in his drawn up knees, he blinked back tears of hopeless denial as his mind cruelly replayed the words that had flown between his parents.
His step father’s cold eyes bore into him, not softening even as they took in his battered weak appearance. If anything the look grew sharper. Changmin avoided his eyes, unable to stop the way his stomach seemed to be churning. His head was spinning as the look of disgusted hate on the man’s face was only too clear.
A soft hand rested against his arm, and Changmin jerked away from the touch. His mother pulled her hand back as if burned, the hurt in her eyes melting into worry as she looked into his face.
“Changmin-ah.” Her tone was slightly reproachful, yet soft, so completely opposite from the harsh snarl that came from the other side of the table.
“Only to be expected from a dirty brat like him.”
Changmin bowed his head, looking down at his lap as his mother turned to retaliate against the statement. She was saying something about his academic brilliance and how could you speak to him like that after he’s just gotten home, but his step father’s next words made him flinch.
“Doesn’t mean I’ll accept a fag as my son. How can you even look at him? Vile and disgusting.” The man slammed his eating utensils down on the table, the harsh clattering hurting Changmin's ears.
His eyes were suddenly stinging and his hands tightly gripped the fabric of his pants, unable to do anything to block out the verbal abuse as his mother yet again rose to his defense.
“What did you expect to happen?” Her voice was shrill. “He’s only been kidnapped, abused, traumatized, and who knows what else! Of course he couldn’t fight them off in such a desperate situation!”
“Are you saying you think it’s not his fault? That he doesn't like it? You heard him begging for it. You saw the way he was all over that other man.” The man’s voice rose in volume and Changmin shrunk further down in his chair. He tasted blood in his mouth but didn't stop his teeth from sinking deeper into his bottom lip. “Take him to the doctor and have them fix him. Do whatever you need to stamp it out of him, or by God I will not have him living here under my roof!”
“It’s only a phase of trauma, he’ll recover and be fine!” His mother was close to tears as she shouted back at her husband. “Don’t you dare threaten such things! He’ll be fine. He’ll be fine-”
She broke down into noisy tears as the heavy thick atmosphere pressed down on Changmin’s ears and chest. He couldn’t move, was laboring to breathe, and their words were sharp stabs to his chest. His step father was grumbling something, but moved to stand beside his sobbing mother, and neither of them looked at him as he struggled to his feet.
He didn’t remember what they had called after him, he had only known that he needed to get to his room. Panic rushed through his whole body, along with the more terrifying seed of doubt that planted ugly thoughts in his head. He didn’t want to think it, didn’t want it to be true.
Thoughts of Jaejoong were the only things that kept him sane, the only real light in his dark unstable existence, and there was no way that could have been a lie. No way that could have been a mere reaction to trauma. He knew they had clung to each other since they were the only thing they had in that hell of a place, but did that make it less real? Did that make it wrong?
He didn’t think Jaejoong had lied or used him in his weakness, not when he had seen the fragile soul behind those eyes, not when he had heard the honesty in the man’s words, and felt it in his touch. But would he have fallen for that in any other situation? Changmin desperately told himself yes, but the conviction in his mother’s voice was like mold in his head, contaminating everything it touched.
He wanted to sleep. It was the only way to block out the troubled thoughts that spawned new insecurities one after another and threatened to ruin his only hope, his only comfort and happiness. But no, sleep meant darkness, meant being back in there. And he couldn’t face that either.
Every time he lost himself to sleep he was plunged into chilly darkness, into bloody red aching pain. No matter how he tried to run, kick, or scream he couldn't escape. It was always so real, and the horror of being trapped in that room, unable to even move, was more suffocating than waking panting in an empty room.
The sweat drenching his body and the tears wetting his face made him feel weak and disgusting. But it didn't matter because there was no one to see. He was so alone, both in dreams and in reality. Always just alone.
The bright lights of his bedroom blurred around him and were a fake empty show of comfort. Far from chasing away the dark, they only illuminated his loneliness, making the room too big and empty - just as dangerous as the dark since there was no way to fool himself that it was in fact alright.
He rocked himself slightly as he struggled to push the panic down, struggled to pull himself back away from where he teetered on the edge of an abyss of darkness. It was a few long heart pounding moments before he became aware of the warm touch in his hair.
Fingers threaded through the strands, stroking gently and offering love in place of fear and pain. Telling him it was okay and he was safe. The comfort he was so desperate for and had been so sure he would never feel again. And there was only one person who would do that, only one person who he wanted to do that. Had Jaejoong finally found him?
Lifting his head slowly, half expecting the touch to only be a realistic yet unreal figment of his imagination, his heart dropped in his chest as he was met with a pair of watery dark eyes.
He hardly had time to swallow his disappointment as his mother swooped closer to envelop him in her arms. All the while she was whispering comforting words in his ear that he couldn't understand, and didn't want to hear. Because it all felt cold and useless against the yawning empty hole that stretched from the tear starting deep inside of him.
*****
Chapter 21~
A/N: :) more changmin angst!!! and not sure why im making jaechun not get along..maybe i was in a bad mood when i wrote it D: ~ hmm i think I should leave Yoosu in the van together to suffer :P
Pairing(s): Jaemin, Yoosu
Length: Chaptered 20/?
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: (gang) violence, language, abduction
Genre: AU, drama, angst
Summary: Jaejoong and his cousin have been swept up into the world of violence and gangs. The struggle and fight for his sanity is complicated greatly by the addition of a certain Shim Changmin into the mix. Will he be able to protect those he loves as well as save himself?
A/N: I'm so sorry to keep you all waiting!! TTTT~ forgive me!! this fic is being a monster to me right now haha = = but i have the next chapter already mostly written so you can expect more soon(er) -0-!!
Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 - part 1 - part 2 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 |
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Junsu didn’t let go of Jaejoong’s arm throughout the whole subway ride towards the rich part of the city where the Shim residence was. His fingers remained stubbornly wrapped around the other one’s arm while Jaejoong slumped in his seat, eyes staring fixedly at the screen that announced the stops.
Usually one to plan out his every move ahead of time to ensure smooth success, Jaejoong was running towards his destination headlong. He didn’t have time to waste on thinking up a reasonable plan of action, but the recklessness with which he left his house, the unpredictability at the end of this train ride, made him feel jittery and anxious.
He knew he was being irrational and stupid, lead by his pounding heart alone, but he decided that all the other things didn’t matter at this point. Too many things could go wrong if he waited just a few more days, and Jaejoong was through with it all. He liked the feeling of actually doing something, though every long minute that passed spent on the train had his muscles tensing all the more.
He hardly waited for the door to open the whole way before he was stepping out of the train, practically dragging Junsu along as he focused singularly on the thought that he was now finally on his way to go get Changmin.
Although Junsu had attempted to ask exactly where they were headed at various times, Jaejoong had opted for silence. Junsu eventually followed suit, although a permanent crease now marked his brow.
Junsu tried valiantly to pull Jaejoong back into a more suitable pace for an injured man amidst a jostling crowd, but gave up to guiding him around people as best he could as Jaejoong lead the way, striding out of the station with a purpose.
They hardly paused to catch their breath as they walked rapidly through the twisting streets, large expensive houses closed off behind brick walls and black iron-wrought gates towering around them on all sides. Jaejoong’s breath was coming in short gasps, struggling to push his body faster while it was slowing of its own accord, giving up on him regardless of his intense mental determination.
At a crossroads Junsu finally managed to force Jaejoong to a standstill, the older man leaning heavily upon him as he took in large breaths of air. Jaejoong’s vision blurred in and out dangerously, and he clutched at Junsu, fingers digging into his arms. He had to be stronger than this. He had to keep going. He now regretted being such a lazy wimp the last few days, he should have been preparing. How could he expect to take Changmin away when he was in this state?
“Are you okay?” Junsu’s tentative voice fought its way through the haze and Jaejoong turned to look into his face.
After a few moments Junsu’s drawn expression came into focus and steadied. Jaejoong stared at him a moment longer before abruptly turning, feet already moving again. Beside him Junsu let out a small sigh, but Jaejoong now moved at a slightly slower speed and the younger man didn’t say anything.
They seemed to be in a maze of impenetrable walls, but as the road began to curve slightly down and to the right Jaejoong started scanning the numbers on the small golden plaques displayed near the gates. They were close, and he fought against the urge to speed back up.
But now that they were here… how was he supposed to get in? How could he get to Changmin and fight off, if not avoid, Mr. Shim? He thought he's most likely be able to scale the wall, but how could he get into the house and find Changmin?
Focused too intently on the task at hand, senses muted by pain and fatigue coupled with the practically nonexistent presence of his once sharp defenses, he didn’t realize how suspicious the large dark van they just passed was until he heard a car door opening behind them. Then there were rushing steps.
Before he could even turn around there were hands latching onto the back of his shirt and apparently Junsu’s as beside him his cousin let out a shrill cry of surprise. Using their moment of complete unguarded surprise, the hands pulled them backwards and around the corner of a high wall before they were able to twist around and see their attacker.
All the sudden adrenaline and the frantic urge to swing his fists melted from his body as Jaejoong saw who it was. Yoochun pushed them gently up against the wall, eyes darting to check down the street and all around them before coming back to look them in the face.
His hands dropped from their shirts, but flew back up again to cup across Junsu’s mouth as he drew in a deep breath - seeming about to yell or shout into the face of the man in front of them. Junsu’s eyes bulged slightly as Yoochun’s hands successfully muffled the sound.
Almost at the same moment, his whole face flushed, eyes glinting as they met Yoochun’s steady dark gaze. Whether it was from embarrassment or anger, Jaejoong couldn’t tell, but he was more annoyed than anything.
“ What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
Yoochun didn’t look away from Junsu as Jaejoong demanded an explanation, only murmured out a quiet, “Shhhh.”
Jaejoong frowned at him, but grudgingly lowered his voice. “What’s going on?”
Seeming reluctant to break the silent stare down he was having with Junsu, it was a few long moments before Yoochun finally dragged his eyes away to glance at Jaejoong. Junsu took the opportunity to reach up and rather roughly shove away the hands that had remained pressed against his mouth.
“Don’t be a fool.” Yoochun muttered, eyes sweeping over Jaejoong’s face and body.
Jaejoong tried to glare at him, but knew only too well he must look pale and haggard, not to mention his body chose that same moment to sway slightly as strained muscles finally had an opportunity to express their distress to the rigorous ordeal he’d put them through.
“I don’t know what you were planning to accomplish running head first into the situation while you can barely keep yourself up.”
Jaejoong didn’t like the man’s tone, like always. He wanted to lash out and show him how much he distrusted him, like always. But he forced his temper down and met Yoochun’s eyes. “I don’t have time to screw around. If you’re not going to help me, then I suggest you just get out of my way.”
Yoochun met his gaze unflinchingly, seeming unfazed by Jaejoong’s tough exterior. He looked like he wanted to retaliate to the words, but very obviously took a deep breath to calm himself and let it out slowly.
“I don’t want to fight with you. We… want the same things, okay? Just hear me out first.”
Jaejoong stared him down, feeling more and more anxious with every minute they spent wasted here on the street. As if he could sense Jaejoong’s inner turmoil, Junsu’s fingers suddenly slid against his, tugging his hand into a warm, sweaty grip. He could practically hear the touch begging him just as he was sure Junsu’s eyes would be doing. He sighed. “Talk, then.”
Yoochun looked at him a moment longer, though Jaejoong could have sworn those chocolate eyes flickered briefly to their entwined hands. He couldn’t read the man’s face, but his voice was slightly more coarse as he spoke again. “Come on.” He commanded, jerking his head back in the direction they’d come. “It’s not safe to talk here in the open.”
He turned to walk back around the corner, and Jaejoong turned his head slightly to find Junsu following Yoochun’s retreating form with an odd expression on his face. He really didn’t want to follow the man, but now that his single-minded mission had been broken, he felt his strong motivation to just go get in there at any cost fading and wilting. He really…did need some kind of plan. It wouldn’t help anyone to end up taking a beating or be thrown out on the street.
He was the first one to move after Yoochun, deciding to keep a firm grip on Junsu’s hand although the other seemed like he wanted nothing more than to walk resolutely in the other direction.
“Come on, Su.” He had to pull the other along after him. Junsu didn’t say a word, but his face was stony and eyes hooded as they walked around the corner to find the back of the van open before them.
It was full of computers, electronic devices, and camera screens that showed various scenes of the street and one particular house gate.
Jaejoong tried to suppress the surprise he felt at the sight, and his eyes roamed over the various devices as they cautiously climbed up into the van to find Yoochun and some other man waiting for them. The other man closed the door behind them then set to work fiddling with one of the computers.
Junsu huddled against him as they fit into the cramped space, and Jaejoong felt stupid that he felt relieved to see no hint of smug justification on Yoochun’s face. No ‘I told you so’s’. He supposed he’d have to start believing him now, but was not sure of where that put him in the scheme of things.
“Why did you bring us here?” He asked instead, demanding an explanation as he felt himself slipping towards helplessness. Surrounded here by all the high-tech, obviously government operated materials, he felt so undertrained, so under informed, and so foolish to think he could go about anything on his own. This was so much bigger than that.
Yoochun pointed out a few of the screens, explaining the scenes they depicted of the Shim’s house, as well as giving details of the guard rotations as they could clearly see dark figures standing sentinel in every frame.
The feeling of inadequacy filling his gut only grew with each passing moment as he listened to Yoochun. He tried to not be surprised as the man gave them more details about not only the house but the man himself, and Jaejoong berated himself silently for thinking he could have ever possibly succeeded in infiltrating the place alone. Especially as he realized how important dealing with Shim correctly actually was. The feeling was bitter, and he lost even more confidence as he realized what he was up against.
Yoochun seemed unaware of, or more likely chose to ignore, the way Jaejoong’s jaw clamped down on itself, and the way his hand clenched Junsu’s almost painfully. Yoochun paused to take a breath, and Jaejoong forced his voice to cooperate.
“And why are you telling us this?”
Yoochun frowned at him, the expression showing he clearly thought Jaejoong would have caught on and figured out the point by now. “Knowledge is power. Everything more you know about him can help you to lure him, control him, can help you to know just how he’ll think, how he’ll want to use you-”
“I’m going to let him use me?” Jaejoong cut in, resenting the way Yoochun seemed to be telling him what to do. He didn’t need another boss.
“How else can you get into his confidence?” Yoochun responded smoothly. “Think about it, Jaejoong. Who else but you can offer him anything of value? And who else has such a dependable guarantee like you do? Because he already has something over you.”
Jaejoong struggled to follow all that Yoochun was implying. “And just what does he hold over me?” The stare Yoochun gave him made his mind race as he realized already what it was as soon as he had asked. “No. I won’t use Changmin like that.”
A gusty sight left Yoochun’s lips, he was getting exasperated. “Nothing will happen to him.”
“You can’t promise me that.” Jaejoong clipped his words, all ready to turn and leave the van and everything Yoochun had told them behind with it.
“Hyung.” Junsu’s hesitant voice cut between them and Yoochun’s reaction was almost comical in the way his head whipped quickly around to look at him.
But Junsu was only looking at Jaejoong, his free hand coming up to grasp onto their already joined hands. “You shouldn’t do this.” His voice was low and urgent, his eyes were pleading. “It’s exactly what he wants you to do. Nothing will change if you do this.”
Jaejoong looked into those eyes silently. He didn’t know if Junsu knew all that was at stake…but then again it wasn’t as if Mr. Shim would do anything to Changmin himself. He was in the safest place he could ever be. It was only Jaejoong’s own unstoppable longing, his need to be together with the other that spurred this whole crazy mess. To him it was only about that. And it would be worth it, too.
But here Yoochun was placing all sorts of other expectations and responsibilities on his shoulders. To Yoochun he was a tool to bring Mr. Shim out of hiding and expose his crimes. That was a greater cause that might just free them all. If he succeeded. Even if he did manage it, would things really change? Or could he just hide his true intentions under the guise of switching sides, and make a run for it as soon as he got what he wanted?
He let his shoulders sag; he would probably endanger Changmin more if he actually went into this. If he just left it all alone, he would be safe. But then he would never see him again.
Yoochun and Junsu were quietly watching him as he struggled with his own thoughts. He wanted to protect Changmin, but he couldn’t imagine living without him. And Changmin might need him right now. He could always switch sides for real if he had to. He really had nothing to lose, did he?
He didn’t realize he was trembling until Junsu was suddenly leaning forward, wrapping soft arms around him. His head fell to Junsu’s shoulder, seeking comfort and finding relief in the unconditional acceptance his cousin offered. A few quiet moments passed, and Jaejoong sucked in slow calming breaths.
“I’m willing to take that risk.” He was speaking before he had even realized he’d made his decision, and his voice was surprisingly steady.
Junsu’s arms tightened around him, “I don’t want you to. What if something happens to you again?”
The whisper was hot in his ear and Jaejoong’s heart stilled at the open vulnerability. Junsu had never asked him to stop, never questioned his decisions, never made him doubt himself. He slowly pushed Junsu from himself, pulling back to look into his glassy eyes.
Yoochun’s tense voice cut in before he could form a reply. “Nothing will happen to him.”
Jaejoong spared a glance for the man, noticing the way his hands were clenched into fists, and the way his dark eyes burned as they stared at Junsu’s arms which were still looped loosely around Jaejoong’s neck. His face was open and readable, the hurt and longing displayed for all to see. He was so obvious.
Feeling uncomfortable under that broken stare, and quite confused as to how Junsu didn’t seem to notice a thing, Jaejoong gently removed the arms from about him. He placated Junsu’s pout by reaching instead to take hold of his hand once again.
Yoochun’s eyes flickered up to find Jaejoong staring at him, and with an effort he seemed to compose his face. Caught in the act and unable to hide himself, he rather awkwardly yet undeniably attempted a small bitter smile. Jaejoong was struck by the way the expression flooded the other’s face with kind warmth, and a fleeting thought that this may be the real Yoochun coursed through his mind.
“Please.” Yoochun asked quietly. “All I need you to do is let Shim think he turned you into his man. Owns you. If he gets blinded by your usefulness and his own greed, he may play right into our hands.” His eyes were so imploring. “We have surveillance on the place at all times. We can whisk Changmin away the moment he seems threatened. ”
Jaejoong’s heart clenched. “Why can’t you take him now?” Although he already knew the answer, the reason why Changmin must stay in Shim’s house, he couldn’t help the desire to just get him out of harm’s way.
Yoochun shook his head, expression sorry. “He’s the only condition.”
“I know.” Jaejoong replied quietly, wishing there was another way. As much as he hated the fact that he would essentially be using Changmin, he was also offering himself up for use. “What should I do first, then?”
The words brought another small smile to Yoochun’s face, and Jaejoong momentarily contemplated returning the gesture. It seemed like from now they were in this together.
As Yoochun turned and picked up a pile of wires, unwinding them to reveal a small microphone, Jaejoong’s eyes went past him to look at the large white gates. They seemed to beckon him in just as they dared him to even try. He squeezed Junsu’s hand and reached for the equipment.
*****
Changmin hadn’t slept for days. Not anything deep enough or long enough to call real sleep, anyway. It was the only way he could avoid the darkness and the sinister nightmares that waited for him behind closed eyes and consciousness.
Not that real memories didn’t plague him during waking hours as well. His whole disposition seemed to have changed into a jumpy, distrustful, frightened child. Small noises had him tensing up, footsteps passing outside his door had him cowering in the corner, wrapping himself in the pathetic protection of his own arms.
It was also his current position, and had been the place he fled to in refuge after being escorted back to his room after the horrid ordeal that was dinner.
Burying his face in his drawn up knees, he blinked back tears of hopeless denial as his mind cruelly replayed the words that had flown between his parents.
His step father’s cold eyes bore into him, not softening even as they took in his battered weak appearance. If anything the look grew sharper. Changmin avoided his eyes, unable to stop the way his stomach seemed to be churning. His head was spinning as the look of disgusted hate on the man’s face was only too clear.
A soft hand rested against his arm, and Changmin jerked away from the touch. His mother pulled her hand back as if burned, the hurt in her eyes melting into worry as she looked into his face.
“Changmin-ah.” Her tone was slightly reproachful, yet soft, so completely opposite from the harsh snarl that came from the other side of the table.
“Only to be expected from a dirty brat like him.”
Changmin bowed his head, looking down at his lap as his mother turned to retaliate against the statement. She was saying something about his academic brilliance and how could you speak to him like that after he’s just gotten home, but his step father’s next words made him flinch.
“Doesn’t mean I’ll accept a fag as my son. How can you even look at him? Vile and disgusting.” The man slammed his eating utensils down on the table, the harsh clattering hurting Changmin's ears.
His eyes were suddenly stinging and his hands tightly gripped the fabric of his pants, unable to do anything to block out the verbal abuse as his mother yet again rose to his defense.
“What did you expect to happen?” Her voice was shrill. “He’s only been kidnapped, abused, traumatized, and who knows what else! Of course he couldn’t fight them off in such a desperate situation!”
“Are you saying you think it’s not his fault? That he doesn't like it? You heard him begging for it. You saw the way he was all over that other man.” The man’s voice rose in volume and Changmin shrunk further down in his chair. He tasted blood in his mouth but didn't stop his teeth from sinking deeper into his bottom lip. “Take him to the doctor and have them fix him. Do whatever you need to stamp it out of him, or by God I will not have him living here under my roof!”
“It’s only a phase of trauma, he’ll recover and be fine!” His mother was close to tears as she shouted back at her husband. “Don’t you dare threaten such things! He’ll be fine. He’ll be fine-”
She broke down into noisy tears as the heavy thick atmosphere pressed down on Changmin’s ears and chest. He couldn’t move, was laboring to breathe, and their words were sharp stabs to his chest. His step father was grumbling something, but moved to stand beside his sobbing mother, and neither of them looked at him as he struggled to his feet.
He didn’t remember what they had called after him, he had only known that he needed to get to his room. Panic rushed through his whole body, along with the more terrifying seed of doubt that planted ugly thoughts in his head. He didn’t want to think it, didn’t want it to be true.
Thoughts of Jaejoong were the only things that kept him sane, the only real light in his dark unstable existence, and there was no way that could have been a lie. No way that could have been a mere reaction to trauma. He knew they had clung to each other since they were the only thing they had in that hell of a place, but did that make it less real? Did that make it wrong?
He didn’t think Jaejoong had lied or used him in his weakness, not when he had seen the fragile soul behind those eyes, not when he had heard the honesty in the man’s words, and felt it in his touch. But would he have fallen for that in any other situation? Changmin desperately told himself yes, but the conviction in his mother’s voice was like mold in his head, contaminating everything it touched.
He wanted to sleep. It was the only way to block out the troubled thoughts that spawned new insecurities one after another and threatened to ruin his only hope, his only comfort and happiness. But no, sleep meant darkness, meant being back in there. And he couldn’t face that either.
Every time he lost himself to sleep he was plunged into chilly darkness, into bloody red aching pain. No matter how he tried to run, kick, or scream he couldn't escape. It was always so real, and the horror of being trapped in that room, unable to even move, was more suffocating than waking panting in an empty room.
The sweat drenching his body and the tears wetting his face made him feel weak and disgusting. But it didn't matter because there was no one to see. He was so alone, both in dreams and in reality. Always just alone.
The bright lights of his bedroom blurred around him and were a fake empty show of comfort. Far from chasing away the dark, they only illuminated his loneliness, making the room too big and empty - just as dangerous as the dark since there was no way to fool himself that it was in fact alright.
He rocked himself slightly as he struggled to push the panic down, struggled to pull himself back away from where he teetered on the edge of an abyss of darkness. It was a few long heart pounding moments before he became aware of the warm touch in his hair.
Fingers threaded through the strands, stroking gently and offering love in place of fear and pain. Telling him it was okay and he was safe. The comfort he was so desperate for and had been so sure he would never feel again. And there was only one person who would do that, only one person who he wanted to do that. Had Jaejoong finally found him?
Lifting his head slowly, half expecting the touch to only be a realistic yet unreal figment of his imagination, his heart dropped in his chest as he was met with a pair of watery dark eyes.
He hardly had time to swallow his disappointment as his mother swooped closer to envelop him in her arms. All the while she was whispering comforting words in his ear that he couldn't understand, and didn't want to hear. Because it all felt cold and useless against the yawning empty hole that stretched from the tear starting deep inside of him.
*****
Chapter 21~
A/N: :) more changmin angst!!! and not sure why im making jaechun not get along..maybe i was in a bad mood when i wrote it D: ~ hmm i think I should leave Yoosu in the van together to suffer :P