[Fic] The Three Kisses - Chapter 13 (complete)
Title: The three kisses
Pairing(s): Jaemin, Yoosu
Length: Chaptered (13/13)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: drama, romance, angst
Summary: Someone’s writing Changmin love letters. How’s he supposed to identify his admirer when all four of his band mates seem like the one?
A/N: wow. this is it! last chapter T^T 8D ??!! i cant believe it, can u? XD hehehe
Previous Chapters:
one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine | ten | eleven | twelve |
*****
Changmin never could have predicted how anticlimactic it would actually be for all the hopelessly twisted heartbreak, secrets, and lies of the past few days, all the painful internal turmoil, to finally just stop. For it to really be over, and it was as disorienting as waking up suddenly from the clutches of a deep dream.
For all that they’d somehow found their center again, he still tensed unconsciously at the gentle touches of hands or brushing shoulders, still expected to turn and find emotions to be closed off behind stiff faces, bodies awkwardly turning him away as they protected secrets. Habits and expectations built painfully over so many months were suddenly stripped bare in the face of things so much deeper finally having been acknowledged and exposed.
Now, all those fragile confessions that had taken so much pain and effort to surface made his bandmates all the more desperate and craving for the security and warmth of a long ago accustomed comfort of touch. The shared heat of arms holding bodies close in a familiar unassuming embrace, protective and loving like family, eyes soft and expressive as words failed before the trust and care radiating openly once again.
The others had already pushed the painful troubles away, strode boldly forward, struggled to mend the tears and rips they’d riddled their bond with. And because Changmin had decided to let go, intended to close off his heart and the troubling memories, he found that with their dynamics returning to the nurturing supportive net it once was, it really was as easy as just not thinking about it. Just as easy as letting his hyungs direct him, following their steady guidance when his participation was required and then retreating when it was over. Falling into deep empty sleep as he found escape and sanctuary best behind closed eyes.
And they all let him be. Seemed to understand that it was all still a little too much, that he’d ruptured and broken so explosively that when he silently begged for the space to heal on his own terms, they knew what he needed almost better than he himself. They didn’t prod or ask anything of him anymore, instead ganging up like the protective older brothers they always had been to baby him worse than ever.
When he found Yoochun’s sleazy jokes and Junsu’s high pitched laughter to be too much, he hid the begrudging smiles they drew out of him by merely rolling his eyes. When Jaejoong tried to feed him breakfast in bed on the weekend as if he were some sort of invalid, he condoned the dropping of his barriers at last to let the long dormant snark out to smack him when he deserved it for coddling him a little too indulgently.
Mere days in which it felt like they’d somehow been impossibly transported back to before, and he found the intense pressure that had weighted down his chest for months to slowly begin to lift and abate. He could breathe freely around Junsu’s cheery friendliness, could find calm and peace around Yoochun’s crooked smiles and warm hands.
Yunho spent a ridiculous amount of energy and effort on their work like always, but no one mentioned the way that although he didn’t try to avoid Changmin, he didn’t quite seek him out with the carefree affection he used to heedlessly distribute.
Changmin himself couldn’t help the lingering wariness that filled him whenever the leader was around, especially when it was just the two of them. The whispering questions and doubts would inescapably bubble up out of nowhere to tickle and tease him, to ask again and again just how much Yunho actually did remember of that night. To worry over just how exactly was the other trying to deal with having kissed Changmin in the practice room. For that one had without a doubt happened with them both sober, and they had yet to face each other on it.
Changmin didn’t want to bring it up, and it seemed Yunho was the same, even if he couldn’t remember how he himself had already ended it all for the two of them. Maybe he just wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened, forgotten it himself just as he’d begged Changmin to. But it troubled him, gnawing gently on the back of his mind exhausting and irritating with the way it hovered over them. Unfinished and obviously in need of attention because still it wasn’t okay with them.
Nor was the way Jaejoong tended to look at him throughout the day okay either. Eyes dark and always watching, concern twisting his features constantly, words aching to spill forth yet he held them back time and time again. Changmin knew what he wanted to say, what he refused to let go of yet. And he knew Jaejoong couldn’t let it go, couldn’t let him alone with the situation handled so awkwardly. It still wasn’t over yet, but now Changmin wished it just would be. All they needed now was time.
He didn’t know what he’d have to face first, Yunho’s apologies and an attempt to patch up a strained friendship that still had too many secrets scarring it. Or Jaejoong’s overly protective, worried questions and suggestions of how to go about mending the damage that had been done.
He should have realized it didn’t have to be as complicated and difficult as that in the end. Because they were his devoted hyungs and they would put his well-being before their own even if he asked them not to, would never force any burdens upon him if they couldn’t compensate and bear it instead.
So when Yunho quietly padded into the living room one afternoon and took a seat next to him on the couch, Changmin looked up from his book with confusion and slight nerves instantly balling in the pit of his stomach. But the gentle relaxed curve to Yunho’s shoulders along with the soft smile he directed at his own lap caught his attention and he waited silently for Yunho to disclose whatever he seemed to have gathered the courage to say at last.
“Changmin-ah.” He began gently, knowing that he had the younger’s attention already even though he still didn’t yet look at him. “I’ve done some things I’m really not proud of. Some things I’d like to...need to apologize for.”
Changmin’s body went deathly still at the words, shock only too quickly morphing into flashing images of Yunho crushing him into the couch, Yunho’s hot choked words digging into his heart and trapping him with his own denial and everything that had just been so wrong. He could only watch the other anxiously, wondering what he would reveal, what he would confess to, and already scrambling for the peaceful center he’d need to ground himself and face the truth they’d been running from, the one that Yunho was about to drag horribly out.
He didn’t know if Yunho was just as broken and finally done like he himself, or if the other had been able to find the courage that continued to elude him so frustratingly. He didn’t know if he was thankful or ashamed that Yunho seemed to have found the strength to do so first, but he began to tremble as Yunho composed himself, drew a single long deep steadying breath, then turned to look at him.
“That day...in the practice room...” His eyes were shining with regret, begging him for something, and Changmin clutched at his book as if it could be a shield between him and what Yunho was trying to make him remember and discuss. “No...before that. I’m sorry, I found something of yours when I was cleaning the studio. A-a letter. And I...I was so shocked, hurt, because I knew you’d shared it with the others. But not with me. I was only going to confront you that day, to make you open up if you were determined not to let me in. I hated seeing you push me away, keeping me out...” His face twisted with a deep hurt that made Changmin’s chest tight with sorrow, with the instant urge to reach out and soothe, to apologize and explain, but Yunho shook his head. “I didn’t mean to...to do that I just...I don’t know what came over me.”
He was speaking to the couch now, unable to meet Changmin’s eyes any longer, and Changmin wished he could find his voice. To tell him it was okay, that he forgave him, that he could stop. He should stop talking because it was still too fresh and raw, and Yunho still didn’t know what he’d done when he was drunk. What he’d revealed, how he’d bared his true heart, fragile and lanced with cracks that he’d shattered with his own hands. He still didn’t know Changmin knew. That Changmin knew even as Yunho loved him, he would never allow himself to give in, would always hate and blame himself. So here he was trying to force it into something he could dismiss and pretend never was real. Continuing to lie to himself, to deny his heart. And Changmin let him. Because he had to respect Yunho's decision.
Yunho took a shuddering breath. “I forced my own frustrations and longings into something it wasn’t, taking advantage of your vulnerability. And seeing the way Yoochun and Junsu had gone to pieces around you...and how stupid and stubborn you were. How lost and...you were hurting...you wouldn’t let me help. And I just wanted to shake you out of it. To make you realize...wake you up to how much I...how much I care about you. Love you.” His voice wavered dangerously, tilting towards a deep vulnerability he hardly let surface even before them. But he wanted Changmin to hear him, so earnestly, needed him to hear him. To understand what he was saying. “I know I went about it all wrong. I made such a stupid, huge mistake. Too many mistakes one after another.”
He paused for a moment, breathing slowly with controlled purpose as if he could calm the flood of words that was carrying him towards the brink of a break down. Changmin sat immobile, eyes burning on Yunho’s down turned face until finally, slowly, he raised his eyes at last to find his again. The tears shining there nearly broke Changmin’s heart, and he couldn’t help but trust in every word, believe with all his heart in Yunho’s sincerity as he spoke in a whisper.
“I was too upset, too carried away, so angry, regretful, too stupid to realize what I’d done. What I’d almost ruined. Too sorry to reach out to you again, to explain or apologize until...until I realized my biggest mistake was in risking losing you. A risk I didn’t mean to take...” Involuntarily his hands shot out to grasp blindly for Changmin’s, the book dropping to his lap as Yunho captured his hands with his own. They were trembling. “I haven’t...lost you, have I?”
And then it was silent. A heavy expectant silence. A silence that was merely waiting for Changmin to process the gush of confessions and explanations that came all at once, came much too late, came at long last when they’d been missing for far too long. Came in an ugly attempt to try and erase a drunken confession that never should have happened.
Changmin couldn’t find his voice, too caught up in everything the other had just admitted to. Did it really mean all of that wasn’t what he’d thought it was? Could it really be? Wasn’t Yunho just making up excuses and sacrificing himself to set Changmin free? To bury the mistake, the love, the kiss, to truly forget it and lie to himself about its very origin? Maybe. Yunho was capable of that. He would see it through to the end, suffer alone, let his feelings and heart be ignored, let his love go, Changmin go, if he thought that’s what it took to get their friendship back.
Was it really okay for Changmin to accept this even while knowing that was a very real possibility? How could Changmin live with that? But, no, Changmin didn’t want to doubt him. Didn’t want to distrust him. He already believed him, in the desperate way he begged him to understand, and was already falling forward, tugging his hands out of Yunho’s to throw his arms around his neck instead. Drawing the older man to himself almost roughly, firmly securing him in a tight hug as he thrust his face into the crook of Yunho’s neck.
“Hyung.” The first word he managed to utter was a choked wail muffled hot and wet against the curve of Yunho’s neck. Full to bursting with emotion, forgiving and so sorry, searching for confirmation. Begging for the security of a promise, of a truth he needed with every fiber of his being. “Hyung-” He cried in earnest now, relief and gratitude more potent than any reprieve, bursting unrestrained and indescribable from his heart.
Yunho clung to him just as tightly, his body shaking against him even as he tried to hide it with the way he rocked Changmin back and forth slightly, as if he couldn’t keep still with the force of the emotions spilling out between them. Yunho shushing him and murmuring gentle comfort in his ears even when his own voice broke and cracked with telltale sniffles he hid in Changmin’s hair.
“I’m sorry.” Changmin forced out sputtering between weak attempts to swallow tears, feeling miserable for what he was letting Yunho do. For how he was grasping for each offered lie as if it could really undo all that had gone wrong. “I’m so sorry-it’s all my fault-”
“No.” Yunho refuted, chanting the word in an urgent whisper. “No, no, Min. It’s not. It's no one’s fault if not mine...I don’t even know how to tell you...how awfully sorry I am...Don’t know how to make it up to you.”
Changmin thought that the tears in his voice were more than enough. The words and embrace fading before the fact that Yunho was opening up so completely to him now in a way he never had before. Not as a leader, not even as a hyung, but as something deeper, more intimate and profound, and Changmin didn’t feel he deserved it after all he’d assumed. All he’d said and done. After all Yunho had suffered and sacrificed for him. And he couldn’t believe that Yunho would really give him another chance, to let his own heart go and put Changmin first, refusing to leave his side even if he couldn’t have something more than their friendship.
But second chances were already born in the way that Yunho cradled him now. In the way Changmin’s temple was wet with a warmth he’d never felt from Yunho before. And he could do nothing but cling to him as if letting go would break it again, and he’d never felt so desperately the need to hold on. For Yunho, for this connection, he’d hold on forever. And he closed his eyes as everything finally seemed right again in Yunho’s arms.
****
A week later and Changmin could honestly say that he’d never been happier. Their first comeback stage was looming as the temperature dropped rapidly, leaves changing colors, crumpling upon blackening branches before blowing away in the wind. Taking with them the burnt and blackened memories lingering at the edges of their warm apartment.
The fresh crisp air was like a breath of new life, a new start, and also the start of weakening bodies prone to catching colds and the flu. Changmin played his head cold up for all it was worth, burrowing under blankets and refusing to budge even when Yoochun sat on his back and wriggled around indecently before Jaejoong could grab him by the ear and drag him off to where he was put to work scrubbing the bathroom.
Changmin pretended to be asleep when Jaejoong checked his temperature an hour later for fear of being forced into labor as well, but honestly could hardly fight off induced drowsiness after the pills the other had given him. He didn’t think Jaejoong would let him off the hook for much longer as it was the third day running and he was more or less better. He had won over Yunho by pouting and reminding him of the practice session in which he’d nearly passed out, but Jaejoong wasn’t so easily swayed.
Snuggling deeper into his blankets to the distant sounds of Yoochun singing between the spray of water in the bathroom, and Yunho on the phone in the bedroom, and Changmin found sleep reaching out for him invitingly. Until scuffling footsteps made their way out of the kitchen and into the living room, a small hard warm body wiggling under the end of his blanket by his feet the next moment.
Changmin poked and jabbed at the soft side pressed against him with his toes in annoyance, legs cramping as he forgot for a moment that he was being sick while cold fingers grabbed his foot.
Junsu grunted back at him in response, pinching his skin in retribution. Changmin quickly drew his feet away and glared at Junsu over the edge of the blanket. Junsu merely slapped his butt with a roll of his eyes as he pulled out his phone and focused on it instead, other hand tugging the blanket more securely about himself.
They fell into a comfortable silence for a few minutes before Junsu suddenly turned back to look at him, finger paused on the screen of his phone. “Oh, Changmin. I forgot to tell you that you got a letter in the mail.”
Changmin blinked the side of the couch into focus as the words pulled him back from the soft hazy blanket of sleep. Another few blinks before he wrapped his mind around what the other had told him. A letter. For him. Another letter for him...And all he could think of was a small white envelope.
“I’ve been getting it for the past week because somebody was playing baby too diligently to notice.” Junsu continued disinterestedly, tone light and airy, teasing, but the contented warm feel of their banter had fled Changmin in heartbeats. He didn’t smile. He couldn’t think of any way to respond, no way to explain the sudden stark paranoia that raised its ugly head. The horrible thought that there could be a letter that had been missed, that had somehow shown up late, that would slip through his defenses and bring it all back.
“Where is it?” He mumbled, trying to sound uninterested and above all calm as he struggled to push himself up from the ensnaring confines of the blanket.
Junsu blinked at him curiously, helping with one hand to tug the blankets away from where they’d twisted between Changmin’s long legs. “I put it in the studio, why?”
Changmin was up from the couch and moving down the hall even before he finished his sentence. He had to make sure that it wasn’t one of those letters, it was impossible since it was over, but he had to make sure that the mess was cleaned up, hidden, before anyone else could find out about it. Before he had truly moved on and hardened his heart. Before he was able to not be affected anymore.
And he knew he was just being stupid, but it was still too soon to really forget. And although he’d come a great way at healing, it was still there. He knew he’d find a different letter, something else, and then he could laugh at his own stupidity before trying harder to repress the last lingering longings and affections he’d harbored for so many months. Months that already felt like years ago.
He sighed tiredly, pushing open the door to the practice room only to find it already occupied. There by the desk, with a small white envelope and letter in one hand and a lighter held in the other. Jaejoong.
Changmin froze in the doorway, staring uncomprehendingly at a shape he knew only too well. A letter like the one’s he still hadn’t been able to throw away but hidden in an old suitcase. A love letter with his name on it. A love letter that Jaejoong seemed about to destroy secretly. But what the heck was Jaejoong doing? Had he found out everything? Had Yoochun told him? Did he want to ‘protect’ Changmin that badly?
Changmin realized he should have destroyed all of them the day Yunho had denied and chosen to forget, the day he’d confessed and forgiven everything. He was a fool to keep them, a lie, pointing out the fact that he still hadn’t really given up on his fantasies of love. And Jaejoong seemed to have caught him out on it.
He took a step into the room, closing the door behind him and slowly lifting his face to meet Jaejoong’s eyes.
He didn’t know what to say first, how to explain, but Jaejoong’s arms dropped, the lighter going onto the desk and the letter crumpling in his hand. Changmin could just see the bright red return stamp plastered across its face, a sign it had gotten lost in the mail and been returned to sender. He looked at Changmin with a closed expression, eyes sharp.
“I cant...I cant let you read this.”
The words meant he knew what Changmin was here for. That he knew what was in the letter. And Changmin found the situation too hard to believe to yet feel shame or embarrassment. He could pretend, deny it, end it all here right now if he just let Jaejoong burn it.
“Its mine.” His mouth betrayed him, blurting the words he didn’t know where they came from.
“Why do you still want it...after he hurt you?” Jaejoong looked at him pleadingly, begging him almost to just give in and not push anymore. But somehow the mere fact that Jaejoong didn’t want him to have it made Changmin angry. Anger was an easier emotion to justify, easier to cover the sickening grief with. And he stood his ground.
“Why do you want to destroy it?” He asked bitterly, still not wanting to know just how much Jaejoong knew if he’d come here with the sole purpose of getting rid of any more evidence of Changmin’s rejection. Of Yunho’s failure and both their lies.
“I don't want to see you hurt anymore because of these.” Came the reply, a soft whisper, and Jaejoong wasn’t meeting his eyes. His shoulders sagged and the regret was clear on his face.
Changmin encouraged the flame of anger to grow, feeling like it would protect him even if he had to hurt Jaejoong in the process. “How...how did you know about this? Did Yoochun tell you, too?” Angry, accusing, and Jaejoong took a startled step back from his outburst, shaking his head wildly and Changmin took the moment when he was slightly off guard to lunge forward.
His fingers closed around the letter, jerking it only too easily from Jaejoong’s unprepared grasp.
He jumped back out of the way as Jaejoong tried to take it back, grappling with him and fighting each other off as they were lost in a jumble of shouts. And Changmin elbowed him off harshly, tearing the letter nearly in half as they fought over it, before at last he managed to raise it high out of Jaejoong’s reach.
Jaejoong pulled on his arm, slapped his shoulder, demanded he give it back, even so much as tugged on his hair, trying to stop him with all that he had, tears in his eyes and panting for breath.
Changmin managed to hold him off, steeling his heart and ignoring the pleading tone to his voice, not understanding why Jaejoong was making it so difficult and trying so hard to keep it from him until he glanced at the paper in his hand and happened to see something written clearly on the bottom of the page.
He froze, one hand still on Jaejoong’s shoulder to keep him off, the other keeping the letter lifted above his face, and he stared at it in disbelief, everything going quiet. The room was filled with nothing but Jaejoong’s huffing short breaths and his own heart in his ears.
There, at the bottom of the letter, printed in familiar handwriting, so familiar it made his heart ache, was those three words ‘I love you’. Signed with Jaejoong’s name.
And Jaejoong had gone still as well, staring up at him in open horror, the tears gathering rapidly in his eyes as he slowly shook his head. And Changmin couldn’t breathe. He dropped his hand, took the ripped page into both hands as he searched its contents in stubborn disbelief.
It must be a mistake, another different letter. Not his. But Jaejoong had just said...and there was no denying his own name written on the top. No. This was another of his letters. And it wasn’t from Yunho. It was from...Jaejoong.
And he turned to the other abruptly, heart in his throat. But Jaejoong wouldn’t meet his eyes, had taken a step away from him, shoulders hunched and hands shaking as he covered his mouth with his palm.
Changmin stared at him, trying to force the facts into an intelligible form, trying to understand. “Hyung.” His voice wavered, loud in the quiet room. “What...what is this?”
“It’s not- not what you think.” Jaejoong blurted quickly, expression desperate, eyes nearly wild as he sought out Changmin’s gaze. “Changmin-ah, it’s not-”
“Stop it.” Changmin cut him off harshly. His heart pounding so fast it made him feel light headed. The way Jaejoong’s face had gone horridly pale was making dread rise up suffocatingly in his chest. “Don’t confuse me anymore. Please. I can’t take it- I just want-” A deep breath, “I just want the truth.”
Jaejoong took a breath as if he were about to speak, but it caught dangerously in his throat, strangled and wet as he blinked his tears back furiously. “I-Min-ah-” His eyes danced away from Changmin’s unwavering gaze, struggling to pretend that tears weren’t now flooding his eyes in earnest. Changmin couldn’t look away. “I’m sorry-I didn’t mean for it to go like this. I didn’t want to hurt you.” His voice broke and he brushed the back off his knuckles across his eyes, knocking tears free before hiding his face behind his hands.
Changmin didn’t know what to think, his heart breaking as he watched Jaejoong struggle and fail to compose himself. He didn’t want to see him like this. Didn’t want to know why he was crying or why there was a love letter with his name on it, because everything about Jaejoong crying in front of him was just so wrong, and he felt it was all his fault. He didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what was going on, just wished it hadn’t happened, and he crumpled the letter in his hand.
Jaejoong started talking again with a weak watery voice, “I messed everything up, I know. I was just so stupid...so stupid and in love...and I didn’t think-I didn’t know about him...Yunho...about you-how you really feel about...men.” His voice broke and he buried his face more firmly in his hands, seeming unable to look up and meet Changmin’s eyes.
Changmin was stuck on the words that had slipped free. Jaejoong in love. In love with...who? Talking about something that Changmin didn’t understand, something that he didn’t know about, and he almost wouldn’t care, would tell him to stop talking, would wrap him in his arms until he stopped crying, but he’d mentioned Changmin’s lie of before and he found himself frozen.
“I’m...I’m so sorry. I know you wont believe me if I say they don’t mean anything. That I didn’t mean every word...and I’m sorry...for still feeling this way about you.”
Changmin couldn’t breathe, the words echoing oddly in his ears. His hands were on Jaejoong’s wrists without him realizing he’d even moved, tugging the other’s hands away to expose his tear stained face. Staring at him incredulously, stupidly, as Jaejoong turned his face away, unable to meet his eyes. He couldn’t force a single word out, his whole world shaken as it couldn’t be possible. What Jaejoong meant with those words...
Jaejoong spoke to the floor now, lower lip trembling as he forced himself to continue. “You told me to stay away and I thought you just needed some time...thought you were uncomfortable with too much intimacy. But then seeing you with the others...I realized...it wasn’t that. It wasn’t the touches or care...it was me that made you uncomfortable. And I didn’t mean to, Changmin-ah. I never meant to. I just...wanted to make you happy. I was happy because of you...and I got so selfish. And I...just wanted to tell you...to show you how special you are. How you made me feel. How much you were loved...I never thought it would be a burden to you.” His eyes had fallen closed as he spoke, his face twisted in pained regret.
“I’m sorry. To lay this on you so soon after...after all that happened. I wasn’t ever going to tell you. I swear. I’m sorry, Changmin-ah.” He looked up at last with tear soaked eyes, the sad apology swimming in them so raw and sharp that it hit Changmin like a physical blow. He shook his head slowly, trying to understand everything Jaejoong had just told him, trying to understand that the other was actually confessing to everything. To the letters. To being in love with him. And now to regretting he’d ever done so.
“I...don’t believe you.” Changmin whispered, an accusation without any strength or conviction. Words that couldn’t dare to trust what his ears were telling him since they threatened to upturn everything, to plunge him under irreversibly, and he already couldn’t breathe.
“I tried so hard to stop it...to stay away. I really did.” Begging him with his eyes, hands moving to slip fingers between his own entreatingly. “I promise I wont let this ruin anything. I’ll take care of it. I just-please, forgive me?”
Changmin’s fingers clenched around Jaejoong’s tightly. “What are you talking about?” He asked hoarsely. “Hyung-you...you wrote them?”
Jaejoong stared at him with tortured glistening eyes. Pleading and too sorry, and too impossibly beautifully honest when he replied. “I...I’m sorry.” He whispered. And abruptly, suddenly, Changmin felt flushed with anger. Hot and charged with his turmoil of emotions. And he couldn’t believe it. After everything. All the tears, secrets, lies, and hurt. After everything, Jaejoong threw those words at him as if they would make it all go away, as if it could undo everything that had happened.
“Why, hyung?” He choked on the words, too irate to even speak properly, dropping Jaejoong’s hands as if he couldn’t bear to touch him. And he was so angry he didn’t even know what he was saying anymore as his hands curled into fists by his sides. “Why!” He cried again, voice rising dangerously. “Why, why would you do that? Why did you hide from me? Why didn’t you just tell me?!”
“Changmin.” Jaejoong took a step back in slight shock, tears stopped as he stared at him wide eyed, something like pained heartbreak already starting to cloud their depths. Changmin knew the look only too well because he’d been feeling it every single day for weeks on end. And it shouldn’t be there.
“Y-you regret it now? You’re sorry?” His voice shook along with his whole body, tremors running along his spine. “Have you ever stopped to think about how I might feel? How hard it’s been for me?”
Changmin now felt sudden tears stinging behind his own eyes, and didn’t know why, didn’t understand himself why he was yelling at the other when all his dreams were coming true right before his eyes. Why after months of secret longing, after weeks of trying to give up and forget his feelings, why they all came rushing back tenfold as if they had never left. Why he wasn’t falling into Jaejoong’s arms but yelling at him instead. Why he didn’t feel elation or happiness instead of this mind numbing urge to just cry and cry.
He took a shuddering breath, forcing himself to keep his voice steady as he finally whispered, “Do you have any idea how much I wished they were from you?”
They stood staring at each other, the room suddenly deathly quiet about them. The blank look on Jaejoong’s face only too quickly melting into one of concerned disbelief as Changmin’s words sank in. Before he could even speak Changmin was shaking his head, eyes swimming, and voice threatening tears.
“Why didn’t you just tell me?” He sniffed in a futile attempt to will the tears away. “I would have said yes.”
It was all he could admit to before Jaejoong was reaching for him. Warm hands suddenly everywhere at once, just exactly as he needed them, dreamed them to be. Brushing the tears from his face, running along his jaw and slipping around his shoulders to tug him forcefully against himself. Clasping him tightly in a fierce hug that left him breathless, overwhelmed and unable to do anything but cling desperately back.
More useless apologies were falling thickly in his ears as Jaejoong crushed his face into Changmin’s neck, lips pressing wet open mouthed kisses to his skin in between, and Changmin tried to hold on tighter, to try to let it sink it and believe what was happening. To ground himself to the feel of Jaejoong hot and pliant against him in what was impossibly real and not a hopeless unreachable dream.
And his consciousness rushed back to fill his dazed head all in a single moment that left him reeling against Jaejoong’s strong hold. He clung to Jaejoong, at a loss for how to react to his long time love suddenly returning his feelings, wanting him, loving him, holding him now with a different intent behind warm caresses and lips that traveled up his jaw almost feverishly.
It was all so sudden, so much more than he’d ever imagined and wished for. All that he’d longed for and more, leaving him dumb with shock, floating in blissful disbelief even as Jaejoong’s hands on his back held him close and here. Together.
And he blindly turned his face towards the other’s, seeking confirmation, needing to know this was really what he thought it was. Needing, needing, desperately, helplessly, hands clutching at Jaejoong’s shoulders as if he’d fade away into nothing should he let go. A single moment where he caught Jaejoong’s dark eyes, focused solely on him, intensely beautiful and full of nothing but him. And pure elation, stunned with impossible wonder as his hands slid up to cup both of Changmin’s cheeks. Holding his face gently as he gazed his fill, pure emotion as if they just now truly saw each other for the first time.
Nothing in his head but I love you, I love you, I love you. And slow watery smiles were lost as a hot mouth was descending on his, meshing them together. Filled with all the longing and passion that had built over months and years. Jaejoong fiercely kissed him, thrusting his lips open with his tongue, delving into his mouth as if he'd been holding back for ages. And Changmin met him just as eagerly, melting into the hands that held him, the kiss that undid him in heartbeats.
Tasting and exploring and unable to control the urge to touch and claim lips that had been off limits and pined after for much too long. Hands twisting in hair as Jaejoong pulled away at last, lips wet and parted, only long enough to whisper his name before moving back to capture his mouth once again. This time a soft adoring press of lips that lingered. Gentle and loving and drawing him even deeper into the feeling of losing himself, falling into Jaejoong and the love that stole his breath away, threatened to cast him head over heels into something that would make his life complete.
And while Jaejoong kissed him as if it were the last, Changmin kissed him back as if it were the first, pouring himself into the moment to express the feelings fighting to burst from within, to try and let him know just how painfully his heart ached, thudding within his chest in response to the fragility of promises shared between lips. Kissing the words he’d longed and ached and craved to say. The same that Jaejoong kissed him back with. And Changmin heard him. Heard it in the soft sounds shared between them, felt it in the way hands held him as if he never wanted to let go. Tasted it in the smile that was pressed against his neck as Jaejoong pulled away slowly and wrapped him tightly in his arms.
A single, “Finally.”, said in a moment of complete sweet happy content, and that single word had never sounded so much like, ‘I love you’.
*********
“Yah, Changmin-ah! Go get the mail, would you?”
The giggles and squeals of Junsu bucking against him in an attempt to escape Yoochun’s icicle fingers woke Changmin before his half asleep brain could fully comprehend the voice that yelled at him from somewhere across the room.
Changmin groaned loudly in a foul mood already as he was so rudely roused from his food induced slumber. He couldn’t even remember when he’d made his way into the other’s bed for warmth, but he regretted it now as cold feet connected with his stomach. Yoochun threw his leg over Junsu’s hip, locking him in place as his foot teased and prodded Changmin mercilessly.
It was snowing outside. A cold flurry of tiny frozen flakes that had started late in the night to blanket a chilly morning white as they woke to a heater that had broken.
Each breath was a plume of misty condensation puffing up to cloud the air above their heads. Chattering teeth and red fingers shaking from cold shoved unceremoniously between layers of cloth to seek warm skin beneath. Changmin slapped said offending parts away with vicious malice as his glare was currently smashed into Junsu’s shoulders.
“Need to call maintenance, I can’t believe the pipes burst after just one snowfall- ” Came Yunho’s voice again before Jaejoong cut him off.
“Here, use my phone.” Changmin pulled his face out of Junsu’s shirt to peer over the covers and watch with poorly concealed interest as Jaejoong untangled himself from his blankets. He’d been doing crunches to try and cultivate body heat, and the tight lines of his expended muscles were visible for only a moment as his shirt rode up when he pulled a thick sweater over his head. “I’ll go get the mail. Nothing like some stairs to get warm.” He volunteered through chattering teeth as he pulled on socks and hobbled out of the room.
Changmin’s eyes followed him out. A small movement at his neck had him turning back around to find Yoochun’s face now visible over the tuft of blonde Junsu that he’d tucked under his chin. Not able to suppress a grimace at the sight, he was distracted as Yoochun continued to play with the thin silver chain that lay warm against Changmin’s skin. He fiddled with it idly, looking at the small charm dangling from it with hooded eyes as the warmth from Junsu seeped into him.
Wordlessly, Changmin’s hand snaked up to pull the charm into his own palm instead. Wrapping his fingers around it, fitting smooth and familiar in his hold. Then he was rolling away from the half dozing couple, slipping out of the warm cocoon of bed and shivering as his feet met the cold floor.
A quick stop at the closet down the hall where he reached for the first winter coat in sight, rushing with it to the door where he unceremoniously shoved his feet into the first available pair of shoes.
It was freezing and the idiot hadn’t even stopped to put on a proper coat. He shouldered his way out the door and was breathing warm air over his cupped hands as the elevator creaked and groaned, the red numbers counting down the floors.
By the time he reached the ground floor he’d warmed up enough from the heat lingering in the small enclosed space to feel the first fluttering of nerves. Because maybe it would come today.
The ding of the doors opening sent a jolt through his system, a tingle of excitement and rising anticipation accompanying him and adding unneeded fervor to the motion as he thrust open the heavy metal door of the stairwell so hard it nearly ricocheted off the wall. Pushing it open until it locked, he floundered for a moment as he tried to figure out the best way to rest himself against the door jamb as appealingly as possible.
He had just adjusted his position to the way photographers always said made his legs go on forever, when he could just begin to faintly hear Jaejoong clumping down the stairs from far up above. The light sound of his sweet voice echoed down the space first, singing an upbeat song to the pace of his shoes on the steps, and the image of it would have made Changmin smile and try to find a way to record it had he not been too preoccupied with his plan.
Steps and voice becoming louder and louder as the other descended, and Changmin’s heart rate picked up with each round of stairs. Down and down until he was only a flight away, rounding the last corner and starting down a few steps before he lifted his eyes from the path his feet were following and noticed the figure leaning against the door.
He paused no more than a heartbeat before he floated down the last flight of steps, a small knowing smile twisting his lips as Changmin’s prepared witty comments all died on his tongue. He felt like an idiot as he tried to hide the faint blush creeping up his cheeks by crowding into Jaejoong and throwing the coat he’d brought around his shoulders.
“Seriously.” He muttered darkly, as he rushed to do up the buttons before Jaejoong even had the time to put his arms into the sleeves all the way. “You wanna catch a cold, hyung?”
Jaejoong chuckled. “Woah there, Changmin-ah. Slow down.” He wrestled against Changmin’s demanding fingers before his arms could be trapped within the body of the coat. “I was just coming down for all of five minutes and it’s hardly colder in the lobby-”
He broke off as Changmin failed to stop from flushing at his words. He’d misunderstood, but then Changmin was already giving himself away. He averted his eyes as Jaejoong paused, looking him over suspiciously. The look soon melted into something sly and seductive as he leaned closer, looking up with intent eyes into Changmin’s heated face.
“Couldn’t be separated from me even for that long?”
Changmin’s eyes snapped down to meet his and he frowned. His arm shot out to wrap around Jaejoong’s shoulders, tugging him close possessively and steering him down the hallway. “So what?”
“No, it’s cute.” Jaejoong teased, stumbling and laughing as Changmin reciprocated with a slap to the back of his head.
Surprisingly, Jaejoong gave in, leaning into Changmin as they walked over to the mail wall together. Jaejoong eyed him sidelong, taking in the sweater and sweat pants he’d ran out of the apartment in, but he didn’t comment or berate him for neglecting himself in place of his hyung. If Jaejoong’s arm snaked around his waist and pulled him tighter against his body, neither of them said anything. But happy smiles twitched on both their faces.
Jaejoong withdrew the small stack of mail, looking through it briefly as he turned them around, “Let’s get you back inside before all that cuteness freezes-” He faded off and came to a stop, pausing.
Changmin automatically looked down to see what had caught his attention, and his heart leaped into his throat. It had finally come.
Jaejoong stared at the small white envelope that rested at the top of the pile. So similar in shape and size to the ones meticulously and reverently arranged in a very personal photo-scrapbook. The only difference was Jaejoong’s name proudly declaring it his on the front side.
After a moment of silence, Jaejoong opened his mouth. Then closed it, looking at Changmin suspiciously. He waved the letter in front of Changmin’s face deliberately, expression rather serious as he asked, “Changmin-ah. Are you teasing me?” Changmin frowned, wanting to retort that Jaejoong should know he wouldn’t joke about such a thing, but Jaejoong was already returning his attention to the item in his hands. “What...is this?”
Now that it was happening, Changmin wasn’t sure what to say. It was starting to seem horribly too cheesy and cliche, and he decided that playing innocent may be the best course of action. “I dunno.”
He took off towards the elevator again, slipping away from Jaejoong and not bothering to turn and see if he was following or not. The rush of footsteps behind him was more than enough indication as he punched the ‘up’ button with a nervous jab.
The lift opened immediately and he was inside a moment before Jaejoong crowded in behind him, crushing the other mail in his hands in sudden excitement as he tore the small envelope open without hesitation, a silly lopsided grin lighting his face as he pulled out the sheet of paper enclosed within. The door slid closed but neither of them moved to indicate which floor it was to go to.
It was quiet and hushed in the small space, Changmin squirmed slowly with building embarrassment as Jaejoong unfolded the letter and let his dark eyes ravage its contents, expression animated with happiness and the smile that crossed his face before he broke into delighted laughter nearly stopped Changmin’s heart. His stomach was churning in earnest now and his face long gone too red to hide.
“Don’t read it now...” Changmin whined belatedly, reaching for it even as Jaejoong swerved out of his way, ducking around with his eyes still glued to the page, to Changmin’s horror he started to read it out loud.
The sound of his voice thick with mirth was drowned out by the rain of flapping one touches that fell upon the padding of his coat. Scowling Changmin turned away and furiously pressed the button for their floor, suddenly wanting to get far away from the humiliating moment, thinking himself crazy for having taken so long to plan it. It hadn’t been going quite how he’d imagined so far.
Jaejoong promptly broke off as Changmin huffed and turned to stare moodily at the glowing numbers on the wall. “It’s not a joke, hyung.” He reprimanded sullenly, trying to sound more hurt and offended than he really was. He was more embarrassed than anything.
Jaejoong sidled up to him, leaning into his side and slipping his arms around his waist again. “Aww, Changmin. I love it...I just couldn’t contain myself at receiving your first love letter?”
His tone was still teasing, even as it rang with sincerity, and Changmin supposed it was the best he was to get. But the arms hugging him close were warm and strong, and the smile beaming up at him was a soft loving one he only got during exclusive moments such as this. And it melted his heart and filled him with a different sort of heat. One that made his nerves tingle and his stomach do flips. One that made his heart skip a beat as he thought of how badly he wanted to kiss that smile and taste the sweet honey of that expression.
“You’re supposed to look inside...” He mumbled, stuffing his hands awkwardly into his pants pockets. Jaejoong rose an eyebrow, moving to look into the envelope curiously. He reached in and pulled it out. A fine silver chain dangled from his fingers as he held it up before his eyes. The small pendant there swinging gently as it caught the light.
The elevator came to a stop and the doors quietly slid open. Jaejoong stared at the gift for a long moment. His expression serious and the air in the elevator suddenly gone heavy with anticipation. Changmin bit his lip as the doors once again closed, cutting them off from the rest of the world.
Jaejoong’s eyes lifted off the necklace at last, searching and pausing as he turned to look as the necklace currently around Changmin’s neck. The slow smile that grew on his face couldn’t come fast enough as Changmin felt about ready to collapse from the tension, wondering with growing dread and panic if he’d gone too far, if he’d asked for too much.
Then Jaejoong was stepping closer to him, reaching up his hands to grasp Changmin’s necklace, tugging on it gently as Changmin followed the pull to be met with a warm soft pair of lips.
Soft tugs on the chain drew him ever gently into the kiss, the heat of his mouth making his head spin and his knees weak. A lovely moment when the world stopped and he felt like this was the only place he wanted to be, in Jaejoong’s arms, but then the other was already pulling away.
He was grinning like an idiot while Changmin was sure he looked as dazed and intoxicated as he felt, stumbling over his own words as Jaejoong happily demanded that he put the necklace on for him. He flushed again as Jaejoong chattered away about how thoughtful and romantic he was, baring the back of his neck for Changmin to shyly fumble with the clasp, fingers trembling as he secured the pendant around his lover’s neck.
Jaejoong was constantly teasing, knowing just what words would make him blush or groan in frustration, but when he turned around to proudly show off the necklace, Changmin’s heart swelled in his chest. Jaejoong was so happy he seemed to be glowing, and he wanted to remember this moment forever.
Reaching for the dark haired man, he gently drew him into his arms, hugging him close and whispering his promise into his ear. Jaejoong hugged him back, fitting against him perfectly. And it felt so right, so special, to be connected like this. To be each other’s.
“Thank you.”
A soft woosh was the only indication that the elevator doors were suddenly opening behind them, causing them to stumble awkwardly apart as if burned. Changmin whirled around to see who could have possibly seen them, only to find the hallway stretching empty before them.
He gusted out a loud sigh of relief as Jaejoong merely laughed beside him, his hand already captured and fingers entwined as Jaejoong led him out of the elevator. He followed, unable to suppress a smile as Jaejoong looked slyly over his shoulder.
“I’ll get the mail every day if it means making out in the elevator.”
Changmin laughed but gave him a smack for his failure to properly appreciate his flustered pride and to what lengths he’d gone at preparing something special and meaningful. Jaejoong just gave his fingers a squeeze, laugh ringing down the hall as he daringly pushed him up against the wall beside their door.
His hands were warm and soft as they sneaked under his sweater and caressed the skin beneath, leaning into Changmin as he stole his breath away yet again and pressed him against the wall. His lips brushed at his cheek.
“And I’d do a lot more than that if it means I can have you like this forever.” Hands sliding to enfold around his waist, hugging him close once more as Changmin couldn’t seem to stop smiling like the love struck fool he was, his heart swelling with happiness as he fisted Jaejoong’s hair and planted a sloppy kiss on his mouth.
He soon lost all coherent thought as Jaejoong drew him into a more passionate involved kiss, and they were all too quickly impossibly engrossed in each other to react properly when the door swung open beside them. A gasp, followed by a ‘Quick, Su! Gimme your phone!’. And it wasn’t until the loud click of the camera sounded that they broke apart out of breath and flushed.
Too dazed to comprehend why Jaejoong was suddenly chasing a manically laughing Yoochun into the apartment, it took Yunho’s soft fist bump to his shoulder a few minutes later to bring him back to reality.
“I take it he liked it?” He prompted with a smile, and Changmin nodded with a fond smile of his own as he remembered the way Jaejoong’s face had lit up.
“More than liked-” Changmin gushed as Yunho made a face, his mind was still stuck somewhere between the press of Jaejoong’s hands and lips, his body trembling with the lingering feel and taste.
He followed Yunho inside and watched dazed and impossibly in love as Jaejoong had an all out war with Yoochun over the possession of Junsu’s phone. Jaejoong was only too quickly snatching it out of Yoochun’s hands, taking refuge behind Changmin who swore he did it on purpose just so the could press up against him from behind while Yoochun made wild grabs at him from around Changmin’s front.
Nothing mattered more than the sound of the bright happiness filling their home and the way that everything was going to be okay. He didn’t have to chose, didn’t have to lose one to gain the other. Didn’t have to resist this love anymore, nor have to hide or pretend. And he knew without a doubt, as Jaejoong clutched at his shoulders and grinned up at him with a wink, that as long as they looked to each other like this, that things would always remain that way.
***
~The end ~
Pairing(s): Jaemin, Yoosu
Length: Chaptered (13/13)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: drama, romance, angst
Summary: Someone’s writing Changmin love letters. How’s he supposed to identify his admirer when all four of his band mates seem like the one?
A/N: wow. this is it! last chapter T^T 8D ??!! i cant believe it, can u? XD hehehe
Previous Chapters:
one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine | ten | eleven | twelve |
*****
Changmin never could have predicted how anticlimactic it would actually be for all the hopelessly twisted heartbreak, secrets, and lies of the past few days, all the painful internal turmoil, to finally just stop. For it to really be over, and it was as disorienting as waking up suddenly from the clutches of a deep dream.
For all that they’d somehow found their center again, he still tensed unconsciously at the gentle touches of hands or brushing shoulders, still expected to turn and find emotions to be closed off behind stiff faces, bodies awkwardly turning him away as they protected secrets. Habits and expectations built painfully over so many months were suddenly stripped bare in the face of things so much deeper finally having been acknowledged and exposed.
Now, all those fragile confessions that had taken so much pain and effort to surface made his bandmates all the more desperate and craving for the security and warmth of a long ago accustomed comfort of touch. The shared heat of arms holding bodies close in a familiar unassuming embrace, protective and loving like family, eyes soft and expressive as words failed before the trust and care radiating openly once again.
The others had already pushed the painful troubles away, strode boldly forward, struggled to mend the tears and rips they’d riddled their bond with. And because Changmin had decided to let go, intended to close off his heart and the troubling memories, he found that with their dynamics returning to the nurturing supportive net it once was, it really was as easy as just not thinking about it. Just as easy as letting his hyungs direct him, following their steady guidance when his participation was required and then retreating when it was over. Falling into deep empty sleep as he found escape and sanctuary best behind closed eyes.
And they all let him be. Seemed to understand that it was all still a little too much, that he’d ruptured and broken so explosively that when he silently begged for the space to heal on his own terms, they knew what he needed almost better than he himself. They didn’t prod or ask anything of him anymore, instead ganging up like the protective older brothers they always had been to baby him worse than ever.
When he found Yoochun’s sleazy jokes and Junsu’s high pitched laughter to be too much, he hid the begrudging smiles they drew out of him by merely rolling his eyes. When Jaejoong tried to feed him breakfast in bed on the weekend as if he were some sort of invalid, he condoned the dropping of his barriers at last to let the long dormant snark out to smack him when he deserved it for coddling him a little too indulgently.
Mere days in which it felt like they’d somehow been impossibly transported back to before, and he found the intense pressure that had weighted down his chest for months to slowly begin to lift and abate. He could breathe freely around Junsu’s cheery friendliness, could find calm and peace around Yoochun’s crooked smiles and warm hands.
Yunho spent a ridiculous amount of energy and effort on their work like always, but no one mentioned the way that although he didn’t try to avoid Changmin, he didn’t quite seek him out with the carefree affection he used to heedlessly distribute.
Changmin himself couldn’t help the lingering wariness that filled him whenever the leader was around, especially when it was just the two of them. The whispering questions and doubts would inescapably bubble up out of nowhere to tickle and tease him, to ask again and again just how much Yunho actually did remember of that night. To worry over just how exactly was the other trying to deal with having kissed Changmin in the practice room. For that one had without a doubt happened with them both sober, and they had yet to face each other on it.
Changmin didn’t want to bring it up, and it seemed Yunho was the same, even if he couldn’t remember how he himself had already ended it all for the two of them. Maybe he just wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened, forgotten it himself just as he’d begged Changmin to. But it troubled him, gnawing gently on the back of his mind exhausting and irritating with the way it hovered over them. Unfinished and obviously in need of attention because still it wasn’t okay with them.
Nor was the way Jaejoong tended to look at him throughout the day okay either. Eyes dark and always watching, concern twisting his features constantly, words aching to spill forth yet he held them back time and time again. Changmin knew what he wanted to say, what he refused to let go of yet. And he knew Jaejoong couldn’t let it go, couldn’t let him alone with the situation handled so awkwardly. It still wasn’t over yet, but now Changmin wished it just would be. All they needed now was time.
He didn’t know what he’d have to face first, Yunho’s apologies and an attempt to patch up a strained friendship that still had too many secrets scarring it. Or Jaejoong’s overly protective, worried questions and suggestions of how to go about mending the damage that had been done.
He should have realized it didn’t have to be as complicated and difficult as that in the end. Because they were his devoted hyungs and they would put his well-being before their own even if he asked them not to, would never force any burdens upon him if they couldn’t compensate and bear it instead.
So when Yunho quietly padded into the living room one afternoon and took a seat next to him on the couch, Changmin looked up from his book with confusion and slight nerves instantly balling in the pit of his stomach. But the gentle relaxed curve to Yunho’s shoulders along with the soft smile he directed at his own lap caught his attention and he waited silently for Yunho to disclose whatever he seemed to have gathered the courage to say at last.
“Changmin-ah.” He began gently, knowing that he had the younger’s attention already even though he still didn’t yet look at him. “I’ve done some things I’m really not proud of. Some things I’d like to...need to apologize for.”
Changmin’s body went deathly still at the words, shock only too quickly morphing into flashing images of Yunho crushing him into the couch, Yunho’s hot choked words digging into his heart and trapping him with his own denial and everything that had just been so wrong. He could only watch the other anxiously, wondering what he would reveal, what he would confess to, and already scrambling for the peaceful center he’d need to ground himself and face the truth they’d been running from, the one that Yunho was about to drag horribly out.
He didn’t know if Yunho was just as broken and finally done like he himself, or if the other had been able to find the courage that continued to elude him so frustratingly. He didn’t know if he was thankful or ashamed that Yunho seemed to have found the strength to do so first, but he began to tremble as Yunho composed himself, drew a single long deep steadying breath, then turned to look at him.
“That day...in the practice room...” His eyes were shining with regret, begging him for something, and Changmin clutched at his book as if it could be a shield between him and what Yunho was trying to make him remember and discuss. “No...before that. I’m sorry, I found something of yours when I was cleaning the studio. A-a letter. And I...I was so shocked, hurt, because I knew you’d shared it with the others. But not with me. I was only going to confront you that day, to make you open up if you were determined not to let me in. I hated seeing you push me away, keeping me out...” His face twisted with a deep hurt that made Changmin’s chest tight with sorrow, with the instant urge to reach out and soothe, to apologize and explain, but Yunho shook his head. “I didn’t mean to...to do that I just...I don’t know what came over me.”
He was speaking to the couch now, unable to meet Changmin’s eyes any longer, and Changmin wished he could find his voice. To tell him it was okay, that he forgave him, that he could stop. He should stop talking because it was still too fresh and raw, and Yunho still didn’t know what he’d done when he was drunk. What he’d revealed, how he’d bared his true heart, fragile and lanced with cracks that he’d shattered with his own hands. He still didn’t know Changmin knew. That Changmin knew even as Yunho loved him, he would never allow himself to give in, would always hate and blame himself. So here he was trying to force it into something he could dismiss and pretend never was real. Continuing to lie to himself, to deny his heart. And Changmin let him. Because he had to respect Yunho's decision.
Yunho took a shuddering breath. “I forced my own frustrations and longings into something it wasn’t, taking advantage of your vulnerability. And seeing the way Yoochun and Junsu had gone to pieces around you...and how stupid and stubborn you were. How lost and...you were hurting...you wouldn’t let me help. And I just wanted to shake you out of it. To make you realize...wake you up to how much I...how much I care about you. Love you.” His voice wavered dangerously, tilting towards a deep vulnerability he hardly let surface even before them. But he wanted Changmin to hear him, so earnestly, needed him to hear him. To understand what he was saying. “I know I went about it all wrong. I made such a stupid, huge mistake. Too many mistakes one after another.”
He paused for a moment, breathing slowly with controlled purpose as if he could calm the flood of words that was carrying him towards the brink of a break down. Changmin sat immobile, eyes burning on Yunho’s down turned face until finally, slowly, he raised his eyes at last to find his again. The tears shining there nearly broke Changmin’s heart, and he couldn’t help but trust in every word, believe with all his heart in Yunho’s sincerity as he spoke in a whisper.
“I was too upset, too carried away, so angry, regretful, too stupid to realize what I’d done. What I’d almost ruined. Too sorry to reach out to you again, to explain or apologize until...until I realized my biggest mistake was in risking losing you. A risk I didn’t mean to take...” Involuntarily his hands shot out to grasp blindly for Changmin’s, the book dropping to his lap as Yunho captured his hands with his own. They were trembling. “I haven’t...lost you, have I?”
And then it was silent. A heavy expectant silence. A silence that was merely waiting for Changmin to process the gush of confessions and explanations that came all at once, came much too late, came at long last when they’d been missing for far too long. Came in an ugly attempt to try and erase a drunken confession that never should have happened.
Changmin couldn’t find his voice, too caught up in everything the other had just admitted to. Did it really mean all of that wasn’t what he’d thought it was? Could it really be? Wasn’t Yunho just making up excuses and sacrificing himself to set Changmin free? To bury the mistake, the love, the kiss, to truly forget it and lie to himself about its very origin? Maybe. Yunho was capable of that. He would see it through to the end, suffer alone, let his feelings and heart be ignored, let his love go, Changmin go, if he thought that’s what it took to get their friendship back.
Was it really okay for Changmin to accept this even while knowing that was a very real possibility? How could Changmin live with that? But, no, Changmin didn’t want to doubt him. Didn’t want to distrust him. He already believed him, in the desperate way he begged him to understand, and was already falling forward, tugging his hands out of Yunho’s to throw his arms around his neck instead. Drawing the older man to himself almost roughly, firmly securing him in a tight hug as he thrust his face into the crook of Yunho’s neck.
“Hyung.” The first word he managed to utter was a choked wail muffled hot and wet against the curve of Yunho’s neck. Full to bursting with emotion, forgiving and so sorry, searching for confirmation. Begging for the security of a promise, of a truth he needed with every fiber of his being. “Hyung-” He cried in earnest now, relief and gratitude more potent than any reprieve, bursting unrestrained and indescribable from his heart.
Yunho clung to him just as tightly, his body shaking against him even as he tried to hide it with the way he rocked Changmin back and forth slightly, as if he couldn’t keep still with the force of the emotions spilling out between them. Yunho shushing him and murmuring gentle comfort in his ears even when his own voice broke and cracked with telltale sniffles he hid in Changmin’s hair.
“I’m sorry.” Changmin forced out sputtering between weak attempts to swallow tears, feeling miserable for what he was letting Yunho do. For how he was grasping for each offered lie as if it could really undo all that had gone wrong. “I’m so sorry-it’s all my fault-”
“No.” Yunho refuted, chanting the word in an urgent whisper. “No, no, Min. It’s not. It's no one’s fault if not mine...I don’t even know how to tell you...how awfully sorry I am...Don’t know how to make it up to you.”
Changmin thought that the tears in his voice were more than enough. The words and embrace fading before the fact that Yunho was opening up so completely to him now in a way he never had before. Not as a leader, not even as a hyung, but as something deeper, more intimate and profound, and Changmin didn’t feel he deserved it after all he’d assumed. All he’d said and done. After all Yunho had suffered and sacrificed for him. And he couldn’t believe that Yunho would really give him another chance, to let his own heart go and put Changmin first, refusing to leave his side even if he couldn’t have something more than their friendship.
But second chances were already born in the way that Yunho cradled him now. In the way Changmin’s temple was wet with a warmth he’d never felt from Yunho before. And he could do nothing but cling to him as if letting go would break it again, and he’d never felt so desperately the need to hold on. For Yunho, for this connection, he’d hold on forever. And he closed his eyes as everything finally seemed right again in Yunho’s arms.
****
A week later and Changmin could honestly say that he’d never been happier. Their first comeback stage was looming as the temperature dropped rapidly, leaves changing colors, crumpling upon blackening branches before blowing away in the wind. Taking with them the burnt and blackened memories lingering at the edges of their warm apartment.
The fresh crisp air was like a breath of new life, a new start, and also the start of weakening bodies prone to catching colds and the flu. Changmin played his head cold up for all it was worth, burrowing under blankets and refusing to budge even when Yoochun sat on his back and wriggled around indecently before Jaejoong could grab him by the ear and drag him off to where he was put to work scrubbing the bathroom.
Changmin pretended to be asleep when Jaejoong checked his temperature an hour later for fear of being forced into labor as well, but honestly could hardly fight off induced drowsiness after the pills the other had given him. He didn’t think Jaejoong would let him off the hook for much longer as it was the third day running and he was more or less better. He had won over Yunho by pouting and reminding him of the practice session in which he’d nearly passed out, but Jaejoong wasn’t so easily swayed.
Snuggling deeper into his blankets to the distant sounds of Yoochun singing between the spray of water in the bathroom, and Yunho on the phone in the bedroom, and Changmin found sleep reaching out for him invitingly. Until scuffling footsteps made their way out of the kitchen and into the living room, a small hard warm body wiggling under the end of his blanket by his feet the next moment.
Changmin poked and jabbed at the soft side pressed against him with his toes in annoyance, legs cramping as he forgot for a moment that he was being sick while cold fingers grabbed his foot.
Junsu grunted back at him in response, pinching his skin in retribution. Changmin quickly drew his feet away and glared at Junsu over the edge of the blanket. Junsu merely slapped his butt with a roll of his eyes as he pulled out his phone and focused on it instead, other hand tugging the blanket more securely about himself.
They fell into a comfortable silence for a few minutes before Junsu suddenly turned back to look at him, finger paused on the screen of his phone. “Oh, Changmin. I forgot to tell you that you got a letter in the mail.”
Changmin blinked the side of the couch into focus as the words pulled him back from the soft hazy blanket of sleep. Another few blinks before he wrapped his mind around what the other had told him. A letter. For him. Another letter for him...And all he could think of was a small white envelope.
“I’ve been getting it for the past week because somebody was playing baby too diligently to notice.” Junsu continued disinterestedly, tone light and airy, teasing, but the contented warm feel of their banter had fled Changmin in heartbeats. He didn’t smile. He couldn’t think of any way to respond, no way to explain the sudden stark paranoia that raised its ugly head. The horrible thought that there could be a letter that had been missed, that had somehow shown up late, that would slip through his defenses and bring it all back.
“Where is it?” He mumbled, trying to sound uninterested and above all calm as he struggled to push himself up from the ensnaring confines of the blanket.
Junsu blinked at him curiously, helping with one hand to tug the blankets away from where they’d twisted between Changmin’s long legs. “I put it in the studio, why?”
Changmin was up from the couch and moving down the hall even before he finished his sentence. He had to make sure that it wasn’t one of those letters, it was impossible since it was over, but he had to make sure that the mess was cleaned up, hidden, before anyone else could find out about it. Before he had truly moved on and hardened his heart. Before he was able to not be affected anymore.
And he knew he was just being stupid, but it was still too soon to really forget. And although he’d come a great way at healing, it was still there. He knew he’d find a different letter, something else, and then he could laugh at his own stupidity before trying harder to repress the last lingering longings and affections he’d harbored for so many months. Months that already felt like years ago.
He sighed tiredly, pushing open the door to the practice room only to find it already occupied. There by the desk, with a small white envelope and letter in one hand and a lighter held in the other. Jaejoong.
Changmin froze in the doorway, staring uncomprehendingly at a shape he knew only too well. A letter like the one’s he still hadn’t been able to throw away but hidden in an old suitcase. A love letter with his name on it. A love letter that Jaejoong seemed about to destroy secretly. But what the heck was Jaejoong doing? Had he found out everything? Had Yoochun told him? Did he want to ‘protect’ Changmin that badly?
Changmin realized he should have destroyed all of them the day Yunho had denied and chosen to forget, the day he’d confessed and forgiven everything. He was a fool to keep them, a lie, pointing out the fact that he still hadn’t really given up on his fantasies of love. And Jaejoong seemed to have caught him out on it.
He took a step into the room, closing the door behind him and slowly lifting his face to meet Jaejoong’s eyes.
He didn’t know what to say first, how to explain, but Jaejoong’s arms dropped, the lighter going onto the desk and the letter crumpling in his hand. Changmin could just see the bright red return stamp plastered across its face, a sign it had gotten lost in the mail and been returned to sender. He looked at Changmin with a closed expression, eyes sharp.
“I cant...I cant let you read this.”
The words meant he knew what Changmin was here for. That he knew what was in the letter. And Changmin found the situation too hard to believe to yet feel shame or embarrassment. He could pretend, deny it, end it all here right now if he just let Jaejoong burn it.
“Its mine.” His mouth betrayed him, blurting the words he didn’t know where they came from.
“Why do you still want it...after he hurt you?” Jaejoong looked at him pleadingly, begging him almost to just give in and not push anymore. But somehow the mere fact that Jaejoong didn’t want him to have it made Changmin angry. Anger was an easier emotion to justify, easier to cover the sickening grief with. And he stood his ground.
“Why do you want to destroy it?” He asked bitterly, still not wanting to know just how much Jaejoong knew if he’d come here with the sole purpose of getting rid of any more evidence of Changmin’s rejection. Of Yunho’s failure and both their lies.
“I don't want to see you hurt anymore because of these.” Came the reply, a soft whisper, and Jaejoong wasn’t meeting his eyes. His shoulders sagged and the regret was clear on his face.
Changmin encouraged the flame of anger to grow, feeling like it would protect him even if he had to hurt Jaejoong in the process. “How...how did you know about this? Did Yoochun tell you, too?” Angry, accusing, and Jaejoong took a startled step back from his outburst, shaking his head wildly and Changmin took the moment when he was slightly off guard to lunge forward.
His fingers closed around the letter, jerking it only too easily from Jaejoong’s unprepared grasp.
He jumped back out of the way as Jaejoong tried to take it back, grappling with him and fighting each other off as they were lost in a jumble of shouts. And Changmin elbowed him off harshly, tearing the letter nearly in half as they fought over it, before at last he managed to raise it high out of Jaejoong’s reach.
Jaejoong pulled on his arm, slapped his shoulder, demanded he give it back, even so much as tugged on his hair, trying to stop him with all that he had, tears in his eyes and panting for breath.
Changmin managed to hold him off, steeling his heart and ignoring the pleading tone to his voice, not understanding why Jaejoong was making it so difficult and trying so hard to keep it from him until he glanced at the paper in his hand and happened to see something written clearly on the bottom of the page.
He froze, one hand still on Jaejoong’s shoulder to keep him off, the other keeping the letter lifted above his face, and he stared at it in disbelief, everything going quiet. The room was filled with nothing but Jaejoong’s huffing short breaths and his own heart in his ears.
There, at the bottom of the letter, printed in familiar handwriting, so familiar it made his heart ache, was those three words ‘I love you’. Signed with Jaejoong’s name.
And Jaejoong had gone still as well, staring up at him in open horror, the tears gathering rapidly in his eyes as he slowly shook his head. And Changmin couldn’t breathe. He dropped his hand, took the ripped page into both hands as he searched its contents in stubborn disbelief.
It must be a mistake, another different letter. Not his. But Jaejoong had just said...and there was no denying his own name written on the top. No. This was another of his letters. And it wasn’t from Yunho. It was from...Jaejoong.
And he turned to the other abruptly, heart in his throat. But Jaejoong wouldn’t meet his eyes, had taken a step away from him, shoulders hunched and hands shaking as he covered his mouth with his palm.
Changmin stared at him, trying to force the facts into an intelligible form, trying to understand. “Hyung.” His voice wavered, loud in the quiet room. “What...what is this?”
“It’s not- not what you think.” Jaejoong blurted quickly, expression desperate, eyes nearly wild as he sought out Changmin’s gaze. “Changmin-ah, it’s not-”
“Stop it.” Changmin cut him off harshly. His heart pounding so fast it made him feel light headed. The way Jaejoong’s face had gone horridly pale was making dread rise up suffocatingly in his chest. “Don’t confuse me anymore. Please. I can’t take it- I just want-” A deep breath, “I just want the truth.”
Jaejoong took a breath as if he were about to speak, but it caught dangerously in his throat, strangled and wet as he blinked his tears back furiously. “I-Min-ah-” His eyes danced away from Changmin’s unwavering gaze, struggling to pretend that tears weren’t now flooding his eyes in earnest. Changmin couldn’t look away. “I’m sorry-I didn’t mean for it to go like this. I didn’t want to hurt you.” His voice broke and he brushed the back off his knuckles across his eyes, knocking tears free before hiding his face behind his hands.
Changmin didn’t know what to think, his heart breaking as he watched Jaejoong struggle and fail to compose himself. He didn’t want to see him like this. Didn’t want to know why he was crying or why there was a love letter with his name on it, because everything about Jaejoong crying in front of him was just so wrong, and he felt it was all his fault. He didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what was going on, just wished it hadn’t happened, and he crumpled the letter in his hand.
Jaejoong started talking again with a weak watery voice, “I messed everything up, I know. I was just so stupid...so stupid and in love...and I didn’t think-I didn’t know about him...Yunho...about you-how you really feel about...men.” His voice broke and he buried his face more firmly in his hands, seeming unable to look up and meet Changmin’s eyes.
Changmin was stuck on the words that had slipped free. Jaejoong in love. In love with...who? Talking about something that Changmin didn’t understand, something that he didn’t know about, and he almost wouldn’t care, would tell him to stop talking, would wrap him in his arms until he stopped crying, but he’d mentioned Changmin’s lie of before and he found himself frozen.
“I’m...I’m so sorry. I know you wont believe me if I say they don’t mean anything. That I didn’t mean every word...and I’m sorry...for still feeling this way about you.”
Changmin couldn’t breathe, the words echoing oddly in his ears. His hands were on Jaejoong’s wrists without him realizing he’d even moved, tugging the other’s hands away to expose his tear stained face. Staring at him incredulously, stupidly, as Jaejoong turned his face away, unable to meet his eyes. He couldn’t force a single word out, his whole world shaken as it couldn’t be possible. What Jaejoong meant with those words...
Jaejoong spoke to the floor now, lower lip trembling as he forced himself to continue. “You told me to stay away and I thought you just needed some time...thought you were uncomfortable with too much intimacy. But then seeing you with the others...I realized...it wasn’t that. It wasn’t the touches or care...it was me that made you uncomfortable. And I didn’t mean to, Changmin-ah. I never meant to. I just...wanted to make you happy. I was happy because of you...and I got so selfish. And I...just wanted to tell you...to show you how special you are. How you made me feel. How much you were loved...I never thought it would be a burden to you.” His eyes had fallen closed as he spoke, his face twisted in pained regret.
“I’m sorry. To lay this on you so soon after...after all that happened. I wasn’t ever going to tell you. I swear. I’m sorry, Changmin-ah.” He looked up at last with tear soaked eyes, the sad apology swimming in them so raw and sharp that it hit Changmin like a physical blow. He shook his head slowly, trying to understand everything Jaejoong had just told him, trying to understand that the other was actually confessing to everything. To the letters. To being in love with him. And now to regretting he’d ever done so.
“I...don’t believe you.” Changmin whispered, an accusation without any strength or conviction. Words that couldn’t dare to trust what his ears were telling him since they threatened to upturn everything, to plunge him under irreversibly, and he already couldn’t breathe.
“I tried so hard to stop it...to stay away. I really did.” Begging him with his eyes, hands moving to slip fingers between his own entreatingly. “I promise I wont let this ruin anything. I’ll take care of it. I just-please, forgive me?”
Changmin’s fingers clenched around Jaejoong’s tightly. “What are you talking about?” He asked hoarsely. “Hyung-you...you wrote them?”
Jaejoong stared at him with tortured glistening eyes. Pleading and too sorry, and too impossibly beautifully honest when he replied. “I...I’m sorry.” He whispered. And abruptly, suddenly, Changmin felt flushed with anger. Hot and charged with his turmoil of emotions. And he couldn’t believe it. After everything. All the tears, secrets, lies, and hurt. After everything, Jaejoong threw those words at him as if they would make it all go away, as if it could undo everything that had happened.
“Why, hyung?” He choked on the words, too irate to even speak properly, dropping Jaejoong’s hands as if he couldn’t bear to touch him. And he was so angry he didn’t even know what he was saying anymore as his hands curled into fists by his sides. “Why!” He cried again, voice rising dangerously. “Why, why would you do that? Why did you hide from me? Why didn’t you just tell me?!”
“Changmin.” Jaejoong took a step back in slight shock, tears stopped as he stared at him wide eyed, something like pained heartbreak already starting to cloud their depths. Changmin knew the look only too well because he’d been feeling it every single day for weeks on end. And it shouldn’t be there.
“Y-you regret it now? You’re sorry?” His voice shook along with his whole body, tremors running along his spine. “Have you ever stopped to think about how I might feel? How hard it’s been for me?”
Changmin now felt sudden tears stinging behind his own eyes, and didn’t know why, didn’t understand himself why he was yelling at the other when all his dreams were coming true right before his eyes. Why after months of secret longing, after weeks of trying to give up and forget his feelings, why they all came rushing back tenfold as if they had never left. Why he wasn’t falling into Jaejoong’s arms but yelling at him instead. Why he didn’t feel elation or happiness instead of this mind numbing urge to just cry and cry.
He took a shuddering breath, forcing himself to keep his voice steady as he finally whispered, “Do you have any idea how much I wished they were from you?”
They stood staring at each other, the room suddenly deathly quiet about them. The blank look on Jaejoong’s face only too quickly melting into one of concerned disbelief as Changmin’s words sank in. Before he could even speak Changmin was shaking his head, eyes swimming, and voice threatening tears.
“Why didn’t you just tell me?” He sniffed in a futile attempt to will the tears away. “I would have said yes.”
It was all he could admit to before Jaejoong was reaching for him. Warm hands suddenly everywhere at once, just exactly as he needed them, dreamed them to be. Brushing the tears from his face, running along his jaw and slipping around his shoulders to tug him forcefully against himself. Clasping him tightly in a fierce hug that left him breathless, overwhelmed and unable to do anything but cling desperately back.
More useless apologies were falling thickly in his ears as Jaejoong crushed his face into Changmin’s neck, lips pressing wet open mouthed kisses to his skin in between, and Changmin tried to hold on tighter, to try to let it sink it and believe what was happening. To ground himself to the feel of Jaejoong hot and pliant against him in what was impossibly real and not a hopeless unreachable dream.
And his consciousness rushed back to fill his dazed head all in a single moment that left him reeling against Jaejoong’s strong hold. He clung to Jaejoong, at a loss for how to react to his long time love suddenly returning his feelings, wanting him, loving him, holding him now with a different intent behind warm caresses and lips that traveled up his jaw almost feverishly.
It was all so sudden, so much more than he’d ever imagined and wished for. All that he’d longed for and more, leaving him dumb with shock, floating in blissful disbelief even as Jaejoong’s hands on his back held him close and here. Together.
And he blindly turned his face towards the other’s, seeking confirmation, needing to know this was really what he thought it was. Needing, needing, desperately, helplessly, hands clutching at Jaejoong’s shoulders as if he’d fade away into nothing should he let go. A single moment where he caught Jaejoong’s dark eyes, focused solely on him, intensely beautiful and full of nothing but him. And pure elation, stunned with impossible wonder as his hands slid up to cup both of Changmin’s cheeks. Holding his face gently as he gazed his fill, pure emotion as if they just now truly saw each other for the first time.
Nothing in his head but I love you, I love you, I love you. And slow watery smiles were lost as a hot mouth was descending on his, meshing them together. Filled with all the longing and passion that had built over months and years. Jaejoong fiercely kissed him, thrusting his lips open with his tongue, delving into his mouth as if he'd been holding back for ages. And Changmin met him just as eagerly, melting into the hands that held him, the kiss that undid him in heartbeats.
Tasting and exploring and unable to control the urge to touch and claim lips that had been off limits and pined after for much too long. Hands twisting in hair as Jaejoong pulled away at last, lips wet and parted, only long enough to whisper his name before moving back to capture his mouth once again. This time a soft adoring press of lips that lingered. Gentle and loving and drawing him even deeper into the feeling of losing himself, falling into Jaejoong and the love that stole his breath away, threatened to cast him head over heels into something that would make his life complete.
And while Jaejoong kissed him as if it were the last, Changmin kissed him back as if it were the first, pouring himself into the moment to express the feelings fighting to burst from within, to try and let him know just how painfully his heart ached, thudding within his chest in response to the fragility of promises shared between lips. Kissing the words he’d longed and ached and craved to say. The same that Jaejoong kissed him back with. And Changmin heard him. Heard it in the soft sounds shared between them, felt it in the way hands held him as if he never wanted to let go. Tasted it in the smile that was pressed against his neck as Jaejoong pulled away slowly and wrapped him tightly in his arms.
A single, “Finally.”, said in a moment of complete sweet happy content, and that single word had never sounded so much like, ‘I love you’.
*********
“Yah, Changmin-ah! Go get the mail, would you?”
The giggles and squeals of Junsu bucking against him in an attempt to escape Yoochun’s icicle fingers woke Changmin before his half asleep brain could fully comprehend the voice that yelled at him from somewhere across the room.
Changmin groaned loudly in a foul mood already as he was so rudely roused from his food induced slumber. He couldn’t even remember when he’d made his way into the other’s bed for warmth, but he regretted it now as cold feet connected with his stomach. Yoochun threw his leg over Junsu’s hip, locking him in place as his foot teased and prodded Changmin mercilessly.
It was snowing outside. A cold flurry of tiny frozen flakes that had started late in the night to blanket a chilly morning white as they woke to a heater that had broken.
Each breath was a plume of misty condensation puffing up to cloud the air above their heads. Chattering teeth and red fingers shaking from cold shoved unceremoniously between layers of cloth to seek warm skin beneath. Changmin slapped said offending parts away with vicious malice as his glare was currently smashed into Junsu’s shoulders.
“Need to call maintenance, I can’t believe the pipes burst after just one snowfall- ” Came Yunho’s voice again before Jaejoong cut him off.
“Here, use my phone.” Changmin pulled his face out of Junsu’s shirt to peer over the covers and watch with poorly concealed interest as Jaejoong untangled himself from his blankets. He’d been doing crunches to try and cultivate body heat, and the tight lines of his expended muscles were visible for only a moment as his shirt rode up when he pulled a thick sweater over his head. “I’ll go get the mail. Nothing like some stairs to get warm.” He volunteered through chattering teeth as he pulled on socks and hobbled out of the room.
Changmin’s eyes followed him out. A small movement at his neck had him turning back around to find Yoochun’s face now visible over the tuft of blonde Junsu that he’d tucked under his chin. Not able to suppress a grimace at the sight, he was distracted as Yoochun continued to play with the thin silver chain that lay warm against Changmin’s skin. He fiddled with it idly, looking at the small charm dangling from it with hooded eyes as the warmth from Junsu seeped into him.
Wordlessly, Changmin’s hand snaked up to pull the charm into his own palm instead. Wrapping his fingers around it, fitting smooth and familiar in his hold. Then he was rolling away from the half dozing couple, slipping out of the warm cocoon of bed and shivering as his feet met the cold floor.
A quick stop at the closet down the hall where he reached for the first winter coat in sight, rushing with it to the door where he unceremoniously shoved his feet into the first available pair of shoes.
It was freezing and the idiot hadn’t even stopped to put on a proper coat. He shouldered his way out the door and was breathing warm air over his cupped hands as the elevator creaked and groaned, the red numbers counting down the floors.
By the time he reached the ground floor he’d warmed up enough from the heat lingering in the small enclosed space to feel the first fluttering of nerves. Because maybe it would come today.
The ding of the doors opening sent a jolt through his system, a tingle of excitement and rising anticipation accompanying him and adding unneeded fervor to the motion as he thrust open the heavy metal door of the stairwell so hard it nearly ricocheted off the wall. Pushing it open until it locked, he floundered for a moment as he tried to figure out the best way to rest himself against the door jamb as appealingly as possible.
He had just adjusted his position to the way photographers always said made his legs go on forever, when he could just begin to faintly hear Jaejoong clumping down the stairs from far up above. The light sound of his sweet voice echoed down the space first, singing an upbeat song to the pace of his shoes on the steps, and the image of it would have made Changmin smile and try to find a way to record it had he not been too preoccupied with his plan.
Steps and voice becoming louder and louder as the other descended, and Changmin’s heart rate picked up with each round of stairs. Down and down until he was only a flight away, rounding the last corner and starting down a few steps before he lifted his eyes from the path his feet were following and noticed the figure leaning against the door.
He paused no more than a heartbeat before he floated down the last flight of steps, a small knowing smile twisting his lips as Changmin’s prepared witty comments all died on his tongue. He felt like an idiot as he tried to hide the faint blush creeping up his cheeks by crowding into Jaejoong and throwing the coat he’d brought around his shoulders.
“Seriously.” He muttered darkly, as he rushed to do up the buttons before Jaejoong even had the time to put his arms into the sleeves all the way. “You wanna catch a cold, hyung?”
Jaejoong chuckled. “Woah there, Changmin-ah. Slow down.” He wrestled against Changmin’s demanding fingers before his arms could be trapped within the body of the coat. “I was just coming down for all of five minutes and it’s hardly colder in the lobby-”
He broke off as Changmin failed to stop from flushing at his words. He’d misunderstood, but then Changmin was already giving himself away. He averted his eyes as Jaejoong paused, looking him over suspiciously. The look soon melted into something sly and seductive as he leaned closer, looking up with intent eyes into Changmin’s heated face.
“Couldn’t be separated from me even for that long?”
Changmin’s eyes snapped down to meet his and he frowned. His arm shot out to wrap around Jaejoong’s shoulders, tugging him close possessively and steering him down the hallway. “So what?”
“No, it’s cute.” Jaejoong teased, stumbling and laughing as Changmin reciprocated with a slap to the back of his head.
Surprisingly, Jaejoong gave in, leaning into Changmin as they walked over to the mail wall together. Jaejoong eyed him sidelong, taking in the sweater and sweat pants he’d ran out of the apartment in, but he didn’t comment or berate him for neglecting himself in place of his hyung. If Jaejoong’s arm snaked around his waist and pulled him tighter against his body, neither of them said anything. But happy smiles twitched on both their faces.
Jaejoong withdrew the small stack of mail, looking through it briefly as he turned them around, “Let’s get you back inside before all that cuteness freezes-” He faded off and came to a stop, pausing.
Changmin automatically looked down to see what had caught his attention, and his heart leaped into his throat. It had finally come.
Jaejoong stared at the small white envelope that rested at the top of the pile. So similar in shape and size to the ones meticulously and reverently arranged in a very personal photo-scrapbook. The only difference was Jaejoong’s name proudly declaring it his on the front side.
After a moment of silence, Jaejoong opened his mouth. Then closed it, looking at Changmin suspiciously. He waved the letter in front of Changmin’s face deliberately, expression rather serious as he asked, “Changmin-ah. Are you teasing me?” Changmin frowned, wanting to retort that Jaejoong should know he wouldn’t joke about such a thing, but Jaejoong was already returning his attention to the item in his hands. “What...is this?”
Now that it was happening, Changmin wasn’t sure what to say. It was starting to seem horribly too cheesy and cliche, and he decided that playing innocent may be the best course of action. “I dunno.”
He took off towards the elevator again, slipping away from Jaejoong and not bothering to turn and see if he was following or not. The rush of footsteps behind him was more than enough indication as he punched the ‘up’ button with a nervous jab.
The lift opened immediately and he was inside a moment before Jaejoong crowded in behind him, crushing the other mail in his hands in sudden excitement as he tore the small envelope open without hesitation, a silly lopsided grin lighting his face as he pulled out the sheet of paper enclosed within. The door slid closed but neither of them moved to indicate which floor it was to go to.
It was quiet and hushed in the small space, Changmin squirmed slowly with building embarrassment as Jaejoong unfolded the letter and let his dark eyes ravage its contents, expression animated with happiness and the smile that crossed his face before he broke into delighted laughter nearly stopped Changmin’s heart. His stomach was churning in earnest now and his face long gone too red to hide.
“Don’t read it now...” Changmin whined belatedly, reaching for it even as Jaejoong swerved out of his way, ducking around with his eyes still glued to the page, to Changmin’s horror he started to read it out loud.
The sound of his voice thick with mirth was drowned out by the rain of flapping one touches that fell upon the padding of his coat. Scowling Changmin turned away and furiously pressed the button for their floor, suddenly wanting to get far away from the humiliating moment, thinking himself crazy for having taken so long to plan it. It hadn’t been going quite how he’d imagined so far.
Jaejoong promptly broke off as Changmin huffed and turned to stare moodily at the glowing numbers on the wall. “It’s not a joke, hyung.” He reprimanded sullenly, trying to sound more hurt and offended than he really was. He was more embarrassed than anything.
Jaejoong sidled up to him, leaning into his side and slipping his arms around his waist again. “Aww, Changmin. I love it...I just couldn’t contain myself at receiving your first love letter?”
His tone was still teasing, even as it rang with sincerity, and Changmin supposed it was the best he was to get. But the arms hugging him close were warm and strong, and the smile beaming up at him was a soft loving one he only got during exclusive moments such as this. And it melted his heart and filled him with a different sort of heat. One that made his nerves tingle and his stomach do flips. One that made his heart skip a beat as he thought of how badly he wanted to kiss that smile and taste the sweet honey of that expression.
“You’re supposed to look inside...” He mumbled, stuffing his hands awkwardly into his pants pockets. Jaejoong rose an eyebrow, moving to look into the envelope curiously. He reached in and pulled it out. A fine silver chain dangled from his fingers as he held it up before his eyes. The small pendant there swinging gently as it caught the light.
The elevator came to a stop and the doors quietly slid open. Jaejoong stared at the gift for a long moment. His expression serious and the air in the elevator suddenly gone heavy with anticipation. Changmin bit his lip as the doors once again closed, cutting them off from the rest of the world.
Jaejoong’s eyes lifted off the necklace at last, searching and pausing as he turned to look as the necklace currently around Changmin’s neck. The slow smile that grew on his face couldn’t come fast enough as Changmin felt about ready to collapse from the tension, wondering with growing dread and panic if he’d gone too far, if he’d asked for too much.
Then Jaejoong was stepping closer to him, reaching up his hands to grasp Changmin’s necklace, tugging on it gently as Changmin followed the pull to be met with a warm soft pair of lips.
Soft tugs on the chain drew him ever gently into the kiss, the heat of his mouth making his head spin and his knees weak. A lovely moment when the world stopped and he felt like this was the only place he wanted to be, in Jaejoong’s arms, but then the other was already pulling away.
He was grinning like an idiot while Changmin was sure he looked as dazed and intoxicated as he felt, stumbling over his own words as Jaejoong happily demanded that he put the necklace on for him. He flushed again as Jaejoong chattered away about how thoughtful and romantic he was, baring the back of his neck for Changmin to shyly fumble with the clasp, fingers trembling as he secured the pendant around his lover’s neck.
Jaejoong was constantly teasing, knowing just what words would make him blush or groan in frustration, but when he turned around to proudly show off the necklace, Changmin’s heart swelled in his chest. Jaejoong was so happy he seemed to be glowing, and he wanted to remember this moment forever.
Reaching for the dark haired man, he gently drew him into his arms, hugging him close and whispering his promise into his ear. Jaejoong hugged him back, fitting against him perfectly. And it felt so right, so special, to be connected like this. To be each other’s.
“Thank you.”
A soft woosh was the only indication that the elevator doors were suddenly opening behind them, causing them to stumble awkwardly apart as if burned. Changmin whirled around to see who could have possibly seen them, only to find the hallway stretching empty before them.
He gusted out a loud sigh of relief as Jaejoong merely laughed beside him, his hand already captured and fingers entwined as Jaejoong led him out of the elevator. He followed, unable to suppress a smile as Jaejoong looked slyly over his shoulder.
“I’ll get the mail every day if it means making out in the elevator.”
Changmin laughed but gave him a smack for his failure to properly appreciate his flustered pride and to what lengths he’d gone at preparing something special and meaningful. Jaejoong just gave his fingers a squeeze, laugh ringing down the hall as he daringly pushed him up against the wall beside their door.
His hands were warm and soft as they sneaked under his sweater and caressed the skin beneath, leaning into Changmin as he stole his breath away yet again and pressed him against the wall. His lips brushed at his cheek.
“And I’d do a lot more than that if it means I can have you like this forever.” Hands sliding to enfold around his waist, hugging him close once more as Changmin couldn’t seem to stop smiling like the love struck fool he was, his heart swelling with happiness as he fisted Jaejoong’s hair and planted a sloppy kiss on his mouth.
He soon lost all coherent thought as Jaejoong drew him into a more passionate involved kiss, and they were all too quickly impossibly engrossed in each other to react properly when the door swung open beside them. A gasp, followed by a ‘Quick, Su! Gimme your phone!’. And it wasn’t until the loud click of the camera sounded that they broke apart out of breath and flushed.
Too dazed to comprehend why Jaejoong was suddenly chasing a manically laughing Yoochun into the apartment, it took Yunho’s soft fist bump to his shoulder a few minutes later to bring him back to reality.
“I take it he liked it?” He prompted with a smile, and Changmin nodded with a fond smile of his own as he remembered the way Jaejoong’s face had lit up.
“More than liked-” Changmin gushed as Yunho made a face, his mind was still stuck somewhere between the press of Jaejoong’s hands and lips, his body trembling with the lingering feel and taste.
He followed Yunho inside and watched dazed and impossibly in love as Jaejoong had an all out war with Yoochun over the possession of Junsu’s phone. Jaejoong was only too quickly snatching it out of Yoochun’s hands, taking refuge behind Changmin who swore he did it on purpose just so the could press up against him from behind while Yoochun made wild grabs at him from around Changmin’s front.
Nothing mattered more than the sound of the bright happiness filling their home and the way that everything was going to be okay. He didn’t have to chose, didn’t have to lose one to gain the other. Didn’t have to resist this love anymore, nor have to hide or pretend. And he knew without a doubt, as Jaejoong clutched at his shoulders and grinned up at him with a wink, that as long as they looked to each other like this, that things would always remain that way.
***
~The end ~