[Fic] The Three Kisses - chapter 11
Title: The three kisses
Pairing(s): Everyone/Changmin
Length: Chaptered (11/?)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: drama, romance, angst
Summary: Someone’s writing Changmin love letters. How’s he supposed to identify his admirer when all four of his band mates seem like the one?
A/N: this scene was part of the story plan since the beginning, so plz dont hate me for making this happen :S lol!! ( i promise it will all work out lovely jaemin XDDD)
Previous Chapters:
one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine | ten |
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He didn’t know how long he had been sleeping, just that the apartment was incredibly quiet, dark and empty when he stumbled down the hall towards the kitchen. He’d been a little surprised that none of the others seemed to have returned yet, the bedroom empty around him when he’d woke.
Shuffling through the dark apartment without bothering to turn on any lights, he took a bottle of water from the refrigerator and drank it slowly, leaning back against the counter. The quietness filling the apartment that had felt so refreshing and releasing just a few hours earlier now was beginning to feel a little too empty and lonely.
He felt rested now, more himself than he’d been in a while, and strangely wishing for the usual warm sounds of people living around him. Now that he was finally able to appreciate the way he could always go find someone to just be together with whenever he wanted, the apartment had to be empty.
It didn’t matter what it was, if only just to play a game with Junsu where he could just forget everything else and be a child again for a while. To rediscover the joy and fun in Junsu’s infectious laughter and his instant reactions to Changmin’s stupid comments. It would be even better if he could go find Yoochun in the studio and listen to him fiddling with melodies. If they got into that strange mood when they would make up ridiculous lyrics until their insistent laughter brought one of the others in out of curiosity.
It would be more than enough to just be in the same room as Jaejoong. To listen to him humming to himself, to watch him modeling outfits for Yoochun, to do whatever he could to just try and make him laugh. To laugh along with him and know that he could keep that.
He couldn’t ignore the way that Yunho seemed to be awkwardly excluded from his longings. Because he found it hard to think of any other Yunho than the one of the past week. If only it could be the old Yunho, the one that would offer that mature unassuming steady presence. The calm intellectual conversations in which he felt he could tell him anything. The Yunho that he felt respected him regardless of their age difference, the one that treated him like his brother.
Changmin frowned, sighing and placing the water bottle down on the counter. Too many things had changed, and although he felt secure that he was well on the way to recovering his relationships with the other three, he really did miss the easy comfort of the way he and Yunho used to be. If he told Yunho he was sorry, if the hesitation Yunho had shown really meant that he regretted it and didn’t want to cross the line either, then he felt there might be a way for them to stop it and regain their old balance before it was too late.
All he had to do was convince him. Remind him of what they had before and show him they could forget his mistake, that it wouldn’t ruin anything because Changmin wouldn’t let it. The frustration and confused heartache of earlier seemed less strong and threatening now, less real, and it had left instead a soft urgent press of determination. He realized it was because he finally knew what he wanted and had decided to make it come true. It was up to him to fix this thing between them, and all he needed now was to just find the courage to talk to Yunho. The courage to detach himself emotionally and suppress everything else should he meet Jaejoong.
He made his way back across the room slowly, feeling slightly lost as what to do while he waited for someone to come back home, but as he tripped over his own feet in the darkness a sudden voice from the other side of the living room stopped him in his tracks.
"Who's there?"
He froze, Yunho's tone was so soft and hesitant, and he almost wasn't sure he'd even heard it. His eyes searched the darkness for the shadowed outline of Yunho's body that must have just come through the door without him hearing, but all that met his searching eyes was blackness.
"H-hyung? I didn’t know you were home.“ He questioned carefully.
There was a low murmur and a clunk of something sounding like glass on the wood floor. His eyes moved to where the sound came from, over by the wall, and he could just make out the dark shape huddled against the white surface.
"Changmin-ah? Is that you?" Yunho's voice was stronger, but was oddly slurred, words thickly running together.
Changmin moved towards him instantly, frowning in concern. "Hey..." He cautiously knelt down next to where Yunho was sitting on the floor, not sure what he was seeing or what was going on. When had Yunho come in? And why did he sound like he’d been drinking? Something so unlike Yunho that it couldn’t be true, yet he couldn't stop the worry from flooding through him. "What happened, are you okay?"
He didn't know if he should reach out to him or not, but Yunho solved the problem by suddenly leaning forward, the undeniable rank of alcohol hitting Changmin in the face and stinging his nose. Needless to say he was caught off guard, unable to react as Yunho's hands were fumbling, reaching for him and taking hold of his shirt.
He definitely wasn't prepared for the strong tug that followed, one that sent him spilling into Yunho's lap. Then the same strong arms as always wrapped around his shoulders locking him in an embrace he couldn't, didn’t necessarily want to, pull out of.
Yunho's breath was heavy in his ear. "Changmin-ah." A gusty, hot rush of air. "I can't do this anymore. I can't take it."
Changmin lay perfectly still in Yunho's arms, the heat of his body slowly becoming much too warm, the hug turning stifling, and it made his heart race sickeningly. "What...what are you talking about?" He whispered, feeling irrationally afraid of what Yunho might say, of what he guessed would come next. It was too similar to the words that he remembered only too clearly that time in the practice room. The one’s spoken just before Yunho had kissed him.
Yunho leaned back to the wall heavily, drawing Changmin with him. He was flustered and worried, and so full of questions that he didn't find their current position as compromising as he normally would, especially with the state Yunho was in. Because Yunho being like this wasn't okay. This wasn't how they needed to do this.
"Hyung." He tried to push away but his movements only made Yunho's arms tighten more.
"Don't move." He slurred, and Changmin bit his lip.
"Hyung, you're drunk." He hoped the statement would make Yunho realize, come to his senses, make him let go and go back to the calm collected, in control Yunho that he knew. Seeing this other side of Yunho once again was too disorienting.
"I’m so sorry." Yunho buried his face into Changmin's neck. "I lied to you." He moaned pitifully, squeezing him tighter. Changmin was silent, waiting for him to explain, but suddenly Yunho shoved him roughly away, the force of his action sending Changmin sprawling on the floor. "Go away-" Yunho heaved, "You need to get away from me, now!"
Changmin caught himself with his hands before he could fall back completely, slightly stunned from the sudden change in attitude, and looked at Yunho feeling lost. What was he supposed to do? What did Yunho want from him? He couldn't deny the rough treatment and tone of voice didn't sting, even though he knew Yunho was not in his right mind.
More than that, he just didn't want to hear Yunho apologize when he hadn’t been the one to do anything wrong. Not when it was Changmin who was going to reject him. Not when it was Changmin who’d just decided that he was going to end everything for them. Not when Changmin should be the one apologizing for making Yunho suffer and hurt over him. But he was ready to apologize. Ready to tell him he wouldn’t lose his friendship, that he still cared about him and wanted to go back to how they used to be.
So, he just couldn’t do what was probably best, couldn’t do what Yunho asked and leave him alone, because he knew Yunho being like this was all his fault.
He pushed away the faint guilt at the thought that had this day come just a few days prior, before he’d grown so weak in Yunho’s absence, he may have just upheld his decision to try for them. But he knew now that it would have been the wrong thing to do. He knew now that it would be a secret he’d bury forever since it would do nothing but hurt them. And he had to stay now to prove that he was going through with it, to beg for the friendship he didn’t know if he deserved yet still didn’t want to lose, and to be bear the responsibility for possibly breaking Yunho’s heart.
He was clear about it now, but Yunho was still muttering the same words under his breath in a stuttering slur. "Please, leave...I can't do it...all wrong..."
Changmin slowly pushed himself up, heart aching with a horrible yawning sort of emptiness at the way he almost couldn't recognize the person before him. He didn’t think he knew how to make it right again, but he just wanted Yunho back. "Hyung." He tried again, reaching a hand out tentatively. It was slapped away before he could even touch him.
"I told you to go away!" His voice rose drunkenly, and although his tone wasn't harsh or mean, Changmin still drew back as if struck. Yunho never spoke to any of them like that. And his heart sank as he thought that there was nothing he could do, no comfort he could give, and he didn't want to make things worse by staying where he really wasn't wanted.
He knew he was being a coward, and probably selfish, that he should stay and take care of a friend who needed him regardless of how he told him he wasn’t wanted, regardless of what Changmin himself should but couldn’t say. He should be there for him as his band mate if nothing else, putting aside the knowledge of feelings that were better off unsaid if this was the result they caused. Because Yunho had been alone drinking in the dark, and nothing about that was okay.
But he was scared and couldn't think of anything except that Yunho was actually rejecting him first, and rejecting everything that had happened until now. And he couldn’t stop the stubborn thoughts that all this time the letters had been a lie, because Yunho had said he lied to him, someone he'd trusted and loved as a brother and friend...and whom he was sure he could even come to love as something more if his heart were not in another place. But Yunho seemed horribly upset by it, and Changmin just wanted it all to stop.
He got slowly to his feet, hesitating and looking down upon Yunho's shadowed face, skin pale in the dark. His eyes were big and black and gazing up at him directly.
"Go." Yunho repeated yet again, voice wavering but firm, and Changmin wondered if he really was asking him to leave or if it were really a plea for him to stay. He didn't want to make a mistake and hurt someone he only wanted to be close to. He shouldn't give up on him that easily.
Making as if to lean back down, he touched Yunho's shoulder gently only to have his hand quickly knocked away once more as Yunho then staggered to his feet. He swayed where he stood. "Don't." He growled out and Changmin took a step back. "Don't." he said more softly, almost so that Changmin couldn't hear it, but the apartment was so silent and he could hear every word. "Don't tempt me. One time was not enough...will never be enough."
Changmin froze where he was, unsure of how to respond, but already feeling like he should have left before he heard that. Even though he was supposed to tell him no, Yunho didn’t know that yet, so why was he fighting so hard to hold himself back? Yunho was looking at him, blinking rapidly as he struggled to focus on him before he once more pushed him gently backwards again. "Please go before I do something I'll regret."
Stumbling back in disbelief at Yunho's continued physical advances, his drunken state, Changmin couldn't stop the tears from pricking his eyes. He couldn't believe what was happening, and the fact that Yunho would turn to this rather than just tell him the truth. He wasn't sure what he felt anymore, the aching in his chest making everything else so hard to gauge.
Yunho was leaning back against the wall, head tilted back and eyes closed. Changmin wondered when the rest of his
hyungs would come back, realizing he really couldn't stay here any longer. The timing was wrong and he was the wrong person to comfort Yunho when he was like this. Because he was like this over him. It was out of his control now, way too far above his head, but the words tumbled out anyway, empty reassurances formed by habit. "I'll be here...if you need me."
He turned away quickly, hands clenching into fists as he made his way across the room. He would call one of the others, always more responsible and confident than him. Someone else to take care of Yunho when he was like this because it wasn't something he could handle. And he supposed that this was it, this was how it was going to end.
He hoped and yet hated himself for even thinking that he wouldn’t have to go through with actually saying the words directly after this. Because Yunho seemed to hate the idea of them actually becoming something, seemed to horribly regret ever confessing to him, and it still hurt enough that Changmin stubbornly seized that as their closure.
Behind him there was a flurry of movement and he paused to turn. Yunho's hard body hit him before he was even all the way around, arms around his waist steadying him just as the force of the embrace and unstability of Yunho's balance threatened to make him fall over.
"I do need you." Yunho choked in his ear. “I need you...so badly."
He was heavy against him, sagging his weight into Changmin who struggled to keep him up, arms coming up reflexively to grip Yunho's frame. Yunho lurched against him and they stumbled backwards awkwardly, Changmin's feet tripping over themselves and then the back of his knees met the side of the couch.
His breath left in a gasp as he fell back onto the cushions with Yunho heavy and solid on top of him. He gasped for air as Yunho lay like a dead weight on top of him, not even trying to move away. Catching his breath, Changmin untangled his arms from around the other, resting them against his shoulders and gently trying to push him away.
Yunho resisted, draping over him more heavily as if all strength had left his body. "Please, don't move." Came that pleading tone again. "Changmin-ah. Do you have any idea what you do to me?"
Changmin shivered as Yunho's lips grazed his neck while he spoke, realizing belatedly that Yunho's fingers had curled under the hem of his shirt, hot digits trailing along the small patch of exposed skin. He pressed his palms against his shoulders again, hardly comfortable with their position and feeling weak and helpless with the way Yunho was pinning him down, with the way he sent his heart thudding against his rib cage with just a few words.
Yunho struggled to lift himself up a bit, looking down at him with such a sad expression that Changmin forgot all about trying to sit up or put a normal distance between them, his body going still along with his heart. Those eyes he knew so well were glittering with vulnerability, as if begging for Changmin to accept him, to tell him that it was okay, that he wasn’t disgusted with him. To forgive him.
"Changmin-ah...can you...believe me if i say....can you ever forgive me, if I...I wanna..." His head dropped closer, one hand rubbing up and along his body before he slid fingers around the back of his neck, the other pushing all the way under his shirt, palm burning hot on his skin. "I want to kiss you again...I'm going crazy....because I want you to be mine." His voice was low and husky, heartfelt and entrancing. "I think... I love you."
Changmin's stopped heart began beating again with the nauseating drop of his stomach, and Yunho was leaning closer, lips only inches away. One knee was suddenly pressing between his legs, pushing their stomachs flush together, hips pressing him down into the couch, trapping him with his body just as his words now captured his attention completely.
"I need you...to be mine..." Yunho breathed on his lips, and Changmin's heart was pounding in his throat. Yunho had finally said it. The three words he'd been waiting for seemingly countless months. The words he’d dreamed of and obsessed over countless days. It was the first time someone said those words to him, and he had expected so much from them, had thought it would feel amazing, that he would be soaring.
His breath was taken away, but the churning of his stomach was something more like nerves, the feeling much closer to something like panic and Changmin couldn't bear to admit or recognize it. He was overwhelmed, could only think that it wasn’t supposed to happen this way, and Yunho's hands were moving sensually slow all over his skin.
And all his remaining resolve was crushed under guilt and the feeling that he had to show Yunho that he appreciated and recognized all that he did for him. How could he reject someone who'd made Changmin the center of his world? How could he say no right at the moment Yunho bared his soul and whispered those fragile words into reality? The person who’d spent months spilling his heart out to Changmin, the person who loved him so unconditionally.
As much as Yunho's actions and words were confusing, as much as Yunho himself seemed horribly conflicted over it, in the end he’d finally came out and said it. He’d given him his heart and asked for a chance. How could he say no to the love now offered so completely?
Changmin had been wrong to think the other was giving up. It wasn't as simple as that, was it? Though Changmin knew he was being so selfish, was being slowly eaten alive from the inside with remorse and guilt and such heavy gut wrenching regret, he still knew deep down and couldn’t hide from himself the fact that he'd been relieved, secretly wanted Yunho to pretend like none of it had actually happened.
Because he no longer had the heart to admit the truth to Yunho. He couldn’t bear to say that the single week of returning to that close friendship with Jaejoong greatly outweighed the months of letters and very real romantic love offered to him now. Compared to those precious moments with Jaejoong, this kind of love wasn’t enough, wasn’t what he really wanted anymore. He couldn't, wouldn’t lie anymore, but those three words had already been said.
Now it was too late to take back, and he couldn't undo the step they'd both tumbled forward. Yunho had taken the leap and bared himself, had asked Changmin to chose him. He couldn’t think, suffocated and drowning in the rush of emotions and sensations of the moment. He sucked in a shaky breath, a burning feeling returning to the back of his eyes and pinching at his throat as his own whisper broke the silence.
"I...am yours." The words left his mouth of their own accord, not what he meant to say. Not what he was supposed to say.
Then Yunho’s body was descending on his, arms twisting around him and drawing them tightly together. Yunho’s embrace was too strong, crushing him within well muscled arms as his face pressed into Changmin’s neck. It was nothing like the gentle loving touch that Changmin knew and expected from the other, instead something so fierce, breath feverishly hot against his skin. He was hugging him painfully tight, as if afraid he would slip away, as if he’d been longing and longing to do so, as if he’d been holding back for ages. Changmin’s surprise was a muffled sound in Yunho’s hair.
He reeked of alcohol and his hands burned like fire, already slipping back under his shirt and tugging in his hair. Changmin was paralyzed as Yunho started caressing his skin again, powerless to slow it down or to even respond, it was all too much at once with the fever of drunkenness, and his heart raced as the flicker of apprehensive fear within him grew.
Because despite his mindless response moments before, one born from the pressure to appease his own guilt, from the inability to reject Yunho after seeing the look in his eyes as he said ‘I love you’, he couldn't stop the desperate voice in his head that continually pleaded this was not what he wanted. He couldn't shut the voice up, couldn't think of anything else, and he felt so low and dirty for lying. Both to Yunho and himself.
Forget the letters, forget the confessions from a fragile heart...he hadn’t meant for this to happen. He couldn’t fight away the guilt that filled him as he let Yunho hold him how he wanted, because as much as he saw Yunho falling apart before him, he still couldn't stop the thought that this might all be perfect, might have him responding just as passionately, if it wasn't Yunho....but Jaejoong instead...
And that thought alone was enough to make him want to curl into a ball consisting of self-disgust, curl into nothing and disappear. That he could ever think such a thing at the same moment Yunho was holding and touching him, and Changmin's eyes fell closed helplessly, biting his lip harshly to try and keep back the tears now threatening in earnest to spill from his eyes.
Why was he so disgustingly weak? Why couldn’t he have just said ‘no’, or ‘I’m sorry’ right at the moment it was needed? Even as he knew it was better to get it out and over with as fast as possible since it would hurt and break Yunho regardless either way. The hot tears now leaking from the corners of his eyes pointed out the blatant answer, and Changmin forced down the lump in his throat. How could he push him away? How could he...?
Realizing Yunho had finally released him from the tight hold and that he was now looking down at him, Changmin held his gaze as he lay frozen and unprotected, unable to find the strength to even try and move out from under him anymore.
Changmin blinked and suddenly the older man was moving, straddling his body as his hips pressed him down. Hands slid up along his sides and along his arms, sensually, deliberately, then strong fingers were wrapping around his wrists, maneuvering them only too easily until they were pinned tightly on either side of his head.
Changmin couldn't breathe. He didn't know if it was due to the heavy body holding him down, or to the now easily identifiable fear that coursed through him. What was Yunho trying to do? What if he was so drunk he didn't even have control over himself anymore?
"H-hyung-. You're scaring me." He gasped out, feebly trying to pull his hands out of the older man's grip. Yunho's fingers only tightened and he leaned in closer, a lopsided smile on his lips and a glazed look in his eyes.
Changmin tried to swallow but his throat was constricted, mouth run dry as those eyes raked over him. Once again a pair of eyes he couldn’t see Yunho in, an expression he didn’t recognize. He again tugged at his hands, biting back a pathetic whimper as Yunho moved above him and he clearly felt something hard pressing against his thigh.
"You're drunk...Hyung...you're not in your right mind. Please, let go of me." He didn't care that he was begging, wanting to run away. Even though a minute ago Yunho was telling him he loved him, he was now suddenly acting like a different person. And although he knew with his mind that it was still just Yunho, a drunk out of his senses Yunho, his body was resisting the advances.
Yunho spoke, words slurred so thoroughly together he almost couldn't understand. "Changmin-ah...don't you trust me?" Each word spilled the foul scent of alcohol directly into his face. "I've taken care of you- all this time. You know that, right?"
Changmin reluctantly managed a nod, feeling even more horrible as slight reproach colored Yunho's voice. He was just being stupid and childish, and they just needed to talk this through. He bit his lip trying to control his racing heart, and took a deep deliberate breath, lifting his eyes to meet Yunho's.
The older man was staring at his face intently, no, more like at his lips. His eyes were shining with desire and need. No one had ever looked at him like that before. Was that what people called the look of love? He didn't know...and seeing this look on Yunho, he couldn't understand why it made him feel so scared. How much of that was really Yunho?
"That's it." Yunho breathed as Changmin took another breath, his voice was low and full of air. Heat spread across Changmin's face as the other leaned closer and closer. "Just relax. I would never hurt you."
Yunho's eyes were hooded, intoxicated, as his face came closer. Changmin's heart was pounding in his chest almost painfully, his arms still pinned uncomfortably, the only thing he could do was turn his head to one side as Yunho’s proximity was too close and too hot, too intense and too everything.
The hot lips that pressed against his neck drew a started jerk from his body. Blood rushed to his cheeks as he flushed uncontrollably. He squeezed his eyes closed as a strange sound came from deep in Yunho’s throat, something that made his heart race and thoughts scatter in all directions.
The other man’s lips continued to take advantage of his exposed neck, and Changmin squirmed, breath seeming stuck in his chest, as the touches on sensitive skin were slightly too rough, sloppy and unwelcome. He didn’t know what to do, and was even more freaked out as his whole body seemed to respond to the administrations. He felt hot and tingly all over, and the new feelings were all but terrifying.
Yunho kissed a trail along his collar bones, his mouth all warm tongue, open mouthed kisses, and teeth. Changmin was unable to suppress a choked whimper as everything started feeling so fast and intense.
The sounds of his own weak protests filled the stuffy room, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to say the words directly. Even though he was supposed to, was going to tell him ‘no’ any minute now, he didn’t want to actually reject or hurt the other. Why was it so hard to say such a simple word?
"Hyung - hyung, wait. W-wait!” Changmin’s voice rose slightly, unable to control it as hands were fumbling with the material of his shirt, trying to tug it off his body. Yunho seemed to not hear him, and his fingers sunk into Yunho’s hair, gently pulling and trying to dislodge the head that was making its way down his chest.
"Hyung, please! Come to your senses!" Changmin choked on the words, the body above him feeling so heavy and trapping him. He wished this was just a bad dream, that this moment would already end, because the lips on his skin, the hands on his hips, they felt invasive and terrifying.
His eyes were stinging and then suddenly Yunho’s face was in front of him again, his dark eyes seemed to burn through him as he breathed heavily. However, the other looked into his face and his movement stilled. Changmin took gulping breaths, hardly hoping to believe that the other would stop now and just let him go. This was enough, more than enough. He couldn’t delay it a second longer.
“Changmin-ah.” Yunho’s voice was lower than usual, a breathy thick sound, and he nervously licked his lips.
Before he could continue, words spilled from Changmin’s mouth, his whole body trembling slightly with emotion. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I’m s-sorry. P-please, hyung-” Changmin’s face crumpled with the thick words that hung in the air. For so long he had wanted so badly to return the secret admirer’s feelings, to say yes to this, to all the love and care Yunho had proved to him the past months. He felt so guilty, low and ugly and cruel to say no now, to push the man away after all he had shown him. It was even worse because now he knew he had to say no to all of it. All or nothing. How could they stay friends after something like this? "I...I don't...I can't love you this way."
Yunho’s hand that had been stroking his cheek, a gentle loving touch, went still, and the eyes gazing at him had lost their focus. He frowned as if he couldn't understand the words he'd just heard, looking blank as he took in the open distress on Changmin’s face.
“Shhh." He reassured. "It’s okay... calm down." Changmin didn't know if Yunho was actually speaking to him or if the words were for himself. Did Yunho not hear him? Did he not understand what he'd said? If Changmin pushed him away and ran from the room...would he even remember any of this in the morning?
He couldn't make himself repeat the rejection, feeling so torn by the way Yunho had reacted to it, just gazing back at him steadily, his hand so gentle against Changmin's face. Then Yunho was smiling.
"You don't love me...do you?" It wasn't a question, and the words sounded so hollowly empty, as if there weren't enough tears to fill them up properly.
He could see the fragility in those eyes, the defeat, and felt he should say he did love him...like a brother...as a friend..."No. I don't." Straight and blunt, and so confidently strong, he couldn't believe the words had come from his own mouth. But Yunho just looked at him sadly, his eyes so deep, nodding his head in acceptance.
"Of course...I know that...I always knew..." His head sank down to pillow against Changmin’s chest, as if it were too heavy to keep up anymore. "It's all so wrong...I’m so...disgusting...can’t ever let him know. Never...tell Changmin...he wont hate me if he doesn't know...don't want him to hate me..."
Changmin swallowed thickly, hardly able to make out the words. Yunho seemed to have sunken completely into the alcohol clouding his brain, forgetting who was currently beneath him...forgetting he'd just confessed and nearly taken advantage of him...and Changmin felt utterly horrible, the feeling only growing, pressing down on him as Yunho finally lost consciousness, laying heavily on top of him.
Changmin let out the breath he'd been holding, the sound choked and loud in the quiet room, and looked helplessly, desperately around for some way to undo this...to deny this all. He wasn't even entirely sure it had really happened.
And it was only then he saw that the light was on in the hallway, and the silhouette of a figure was clearly illuminated standing in the entrance of the living room.
He didn’t care who it was, or how bad this must look. He needed someone right now. And he called out in a cracked voice, suddenly on the edge of tears. “Hyung?”
The figure didn’t move or speak, they seemed to be frozen. Or maybe they weren’t even there at all and he was just wishing, just seeing things.
“Help me.” He all but whimpered. The edges of their body blurred with the light, trembling together with the tears that blocked his vision.
Blinking the water away as best he could he tried to focus on them, wondering if they could even hear his weak plea, but his heart thudded painfully as when he looked again the doorway was empty. They were gone. Had left him.
And hot tears finally spilled over the edge of his eyes, sliding slowly down his cheeks. His eyes slid closed and he didn’t try to hold back the sob that tore from his throat without control. One was followed quickly by two, and three, and his chest heaved as he gave up and let it come.
He was too tired. Too broken. And everything that had gone wrong, the dreams that had shattered, the reality that had burned painfully, everything went into his tears, pouring down his face as he sobbed like a child.
Yunho was suddenly moving above him, but Changmin couldn’t even function anymore to the point he just lay there limply, willing to let whatever was to come happen. It didn’t matter now, and he just wanted to block out the world and get lost in the numbness of pure emotion that was crying. There was too much bottled up inside and he’d already lost all control or reason.
The weight of Yunho’s body was lifted from his own and so drowned in sorrow as he was he almost didn’t open his eyes to see why or what was going on. He didn’t know when it had happened but they were no longer alone. Someone was heaving Yunho up, twisting his arm over his neck and shoulders and lifting him almost bodily to his feet.
Yunho moaned softly, still seeming not quite conscious, but Changmin couldn’t see him properly anyway. It only mattered that one of his other hyungs was here, had freed him from the weight that paralyzed him, was taking Yunho away and leaving behind the freedom to admit his own selfish heartlessness and pathetic mistake; and new tears flooded to his eyes.
His hands lifted weakly to half cover his face as he curled over and onto his side. He needed something to hold onto, to cling to, because he was falling and it felt like it would never end.
“Wait for me. I’ll be right back.”
Another shuddering sob and he opened heavy lids to see the two forms now moving in the direction of the bedroom. A shorter frame supporting Yunho’s swaying towering body. He watched them go only a moment before letting his eyes close once more.
He cried and cried, his face completely wet, and soaking the surface of the couch beneath him, the salt of his tears stinging his eyes which felt like they were already swelling painfully. Because Jaejoong had said he’d be right back. He would come back, wouldn’t he? He wouldn’t leave him here, would he?
It felt like such a long time. Time only measured by each sob, each painful inhale. By the feel of tears continually seeping from his eyes. And he was so cold, shivering as he futilely attempted to hug himself.
Endless tears later and finally he heard soft footsteps. And then there was a blanket being draped over him, hands tucking it around him before slipping all the way under his shoulders and bodily lifting him up. He didn’t resist, following blindly until a warm body was beside him, arms encircling him and drawing him firmly into their protection.
Melting against Jaejoong, Changmin began to cry harder if anything. Loud and unrestricted, a complete mess which Jaejoong fully embraced in all of his flawed weakness, silently cradling him against his chest. And it was all he needed at that moment. Nothing else but this unassuming gesture, the soft voice telling him it was okay to cry, to let it out, and that he wasn’t alone.
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next chapter ~ ***
Pairing(s): Everyone/Changmin
Length: Chaptered (11/?)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: drama, romance, angst
Summary: Someone’s writing Changmin love letters. How’s he supposed to identify his admirer when all four of his band mates seem like the one?
A/N: this scene was part of the story plan since the beginning, so plz dont hate me for making this happen :S lol!! ( i promise it will all work out lovely jaemin XDDD)
Previous Chapters:
one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine | ten |
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He didn’t know how long he had been sleeping, just that the apartment was incredibly quiet, dark and empty when he stumbled down the hall towards the kitchen. He’d been a little surprised that none of the others seemed to have returned yet, the bedroom empty around him when he’d woke.
Shuffling through the dark apartment without bothering to turn on any lights, he took a bottle of water from the refrigerator and drank it slowly, leaning back against the counter. The quietness filling the apartment that had felt so refreshing and releasing just a few hours earlier now was beginning to feel a little too empty and lonely.
He felt rested now, more himself than he’d been in a while, and strangely wishing for the usual warm sounds of people living around him. Now that he was finally able to appreciate the way he could always go find someone to just be together with whenever he wanted, the apartment had to be empty.
It didn’t matter what it was, if only just to play a game with Junsu where he could just forget everything else and be a child again for a while. To rediscover the joy and fun in Junsu’s infectious laughter and his instant reactions to Changmin’s stupid comments. It would be even better if he could go find Yoochun in the studio and listen to him fiddling with melodies. If they got into that strange mood when they would make up ridiculous lyrics until their insistent laughter brought one of the others in out of curiosity.
It would be more than enough to just be in the same room as Jaejoong. To listen to him humming to himself, to watch him modeling outfits for Yoochun, to do whatever he could to just try and make him laugh. To laugh along with him and know that he could keep that.
He couldn’t ignore the way that Yunho seemed to be awkwardly excluded from his longings. Because he found it hard to think of any other Yunho than the one of the past week. If only it could be the old Yunho, the one that would offer that mature unassuming steady presence. The calm intellectual conversations in which he felt he could tell him anything. The Yunho that he felt respected him regardless of their age difference, the one that treated him like his brother.
Changmin frowned, sighing and placing the water bottle down on the counter. Too many things had changed, and although he felt secure that he was well on the way to recovering his relationships with the other three, he really did miss the easy comfort of the way he and Yunho used to be. If he told Yunho he was sorry, if the hesitation Yunho had shown really meant that he regretted it and didn’t want to cross the line either, then he felt there might be a way for them to stop it and regain their old balance before it was too late.
All he had to do was convince him. Remind him of what they had before and show him they could forget his mistake, that it wouldn’t ruin anything because Changmin wouldn’t let it. The frustration and confused heartache of earlier seemed less strong and threatening now, less real, and it had left instead a soft urgent press of determination. He realized it was because he finally knew what he wanted and had decided to make it come true. It was up to him to fix this thing between them, and all he needed now was to just find the courage to talk to Yunho. The courage to detach himself emotionally and suppress everything else should he meet Jaejoong.
He made his way back across the room slowly, feeling slightly lost as what to do while he waited for someone to come back home, but as he tripped over his own feet in the darkness a sudden voice from the other side of the living room stopped him in his tracks.
"Who's there?"
He froze, Yunho's tone was so soft and hesitant, and he almost wasn't sure he'd even heard it. His eyes searched the darkness for the shadowed outline of Yunho's body that must have just come through the door without him hearing, but all that met his searching eyes was blackness.
"H-hyung? I didn’t know you were home.“ He questioned carefully.
There was a low murmur and a clunk of something sounding like glass on the wood floor. His eyes moved to where the sound came from, over by the wall, and he could just make out the dark shape huddled against the white surface.
"Changmin-ah? Is that you?" Yunho's voice was stronger, but was oddly slurred, words thickly running together.
Changmin moved towards him instantly, frowning in concern. "Hey..." He cautiously knelt down next to where Yunho was sitting on the floor, not sure what he was seeing or what was going on. When had Yunho come in? And why did he sound like he’d been drinking? Something so unlike Yunho that it couldn’t be true, yet he couldn't stop the worry from flooding through him. "What happened, are you okay?"
He didn't know if he should reach out to him or not, but Yunho solved the problem by suddenly leaning forward, the undeniable rank of alcohol hitting Changmin in the face and stinging his nose. Needless to say he was caught off guard, unable to react as Yunho's hands were fumbling, reaching for him and taking hold of his shirt.
He definitely wasn't prepared for the strong tug that followed, one that sent him spilling into Yunho's lap. Then the same strong arms as always wrapped around his shoulders locking him in an embrace he couldn't, didn’t necessarily want to, pull out of.
Yunho's breath was heavy in his ear. "Changmin-ah." A gusty, hot rush of air. "I can't do this anymore. I can't take it."
Changmin lay perfectly still in Yunho's arms, the heat of his body slowly becoming much too warm, the hug turning stifling, and it made his heart race sickeningly. "What...what are you talking about?" He whispered, feeling irrationally afraid of what Yunho might say, of what he guessed would come next. It was too similar to the words that he remembered only too clearly that time in the practice room. The one’s spoken just before Yunho had kissed him.
Yunho leaned back to the wall heavily, drawing Changmin with him. He was flustered and worried, and so full of questions that he didn't find their current position as compromising as he normally would, especially with the state Yunho was in. Because Yunho being like this wasn't okay. This wasn't how they needed to do this.
"Hyung." He tried to push away but his movements only made Yunho's arms tighten more.
"Don't move." He slurred, and Changmin bit his lip.
"Hyung, you're drunk." He hoped the statement would make Yunho realize, come to his senses, make him let go and go back to the calm collected, in control Yunho that he knew. Seeing this other side of Yunho once again was too disorienting.
"I’m so sorry." Yunho buried his face into Changmin's neck. "I lied to you." He moaned pitifully, squeezing him tighter. Changmin was silent, waiting for him to explain, but suddenly Yunho shoved him roughly away, the force of his action sending Changmin sprawling on the floor. "Go away-" Yunho heaved, "You need to get away from me, now!"
Changmin caught himself with his hands before he could fall back completely, slightly stunned from the sudden change in attitude, and looked at Yunho feeling lost. What was he supposed to do? What did Yunho want from him? He couldn't deny the rough treatment and tone of voice didn't sting, even though he knew Yunho was not in his right mind.
More than that, he just didn't want to hear Yunho apologize when he hadn’t been the one to do anything wrong. Not when it was Changmin who was going to reject him. Not when it was Changmin who’d just decided that he was going to end everything for them. Not when Changmin should be the one apologizing for making Yunho suffer and hurt over him. But he was ready to apologize. Ready to tell him he wouldn’t lose his friendship, that he still cared about him and wanted to go back to how they used to be.
So, he just couldn’t do what was probably best, couldn’t do what Yunho asked and leave him alone, because he knew Yunho being like this was all his fault.
He pushed away the faint guilt at the thought that had this day come just a few days prior, before he’d grown so weak in Yunho’s absence, he may have just upheld his decision to try for them. But he knew now that it would have been the wrong thing to do. He knew now that it would be a secret he’d bury forever since it would do nothing but hurt them. And he had to stay now to prove that he was going through with it, to beg for the friendship he didn’t know if he deserved yet still didn’t want to lose, and to be bear the responsibility for possibly breaking Yunho’s heart.
He was clear about it now, but Yunho was still muttering the same words under his breath in a stuttering slur. "Please, leave...I can't do it...all wrong..."
Changmin slowly pushed himself up, heart aching with a horrible yawning sort of emptiness at the way he almost couldn't recognize the person before him. He didn’t think he knew how to make it right again, but he just wanted Yunho back. "Hyung." He tried again, reaching a hand out tentatively. It was slapped away before he could even touch him.
"I told you to go away!" His voice rose drunkenly, and although his tone wasn't harsh or mean, Changmin still drew back as if struck. Yunho never spoke to any of them like that. And his heart sank as he thought that there was nothing he could do, no comfort he could give, and he didn't want to make things worse by staying where he really wasn't wanted.
He knew he was being a coward, and probably selfish, that he should stay and take care of a friend who needed him regardless of how he told him he wasn’t wanted, regardless of what Changmin himself should but couldn’t say. He should be there for him as his band mate if nothing else, putting aside the knowledge of feelings that were better off unsaid if this was the result they caused. Because Yunho had been alone drinking in the dark, and nothing about that was okay.
But he was scared and couldn't think of anything except that Yunho was actually rejecting him first, and rejecting everything that had happened until now. And he couldn’t stop the stubborn thoughts that all this time the letters had been a lie, because Yunho had said he lied to him, someone he'd trusted and loved as a brother and friend...and whom he was sure he could even come to love as something more if his heart were not in another place. But Yunho seemed horribly upset by it, and Changmin just wanted it all to stop.
He got slowly to his feet, hesitating and looking down upon Yunho's shadowed face, skin pale in the dark. His eyes were big and black and gazing up at him directly.
"Go." Yunho repeated yet again, voice wavering but firm, and Changmin wondered if he really was asking him to leave or if it were really a plea for him to stay. He didn't want to make a mistake and hurt someone he only wanted to be close to. He shouldn't give up on him that easily.
Making as if to lean back down, he touched Yunho's shoulder gently only to have his hand quickly knocked away once more as Yunho then staggered to his feet. He swayed where he stood. "Don't." He growled out and Changmin took a step back. "Don't." he said more softly, almost so that Changmin couldn't hear it, but the apartment was so silent and he could hear every word. "Don't tempt me. One time was not enough...will never be enough."
Changmin froze where he was, unsure of how to respond, but already feeling like he should have left before he heard that. Even though he was supposed to tell him no, Yunho didn’t know that yet, so why was he fighting so hard to hold himself back? Yunho was looking at him, blinking rapidly as he struggled to focus on him before he once more pushed him gently backwards again. "Please go before I do something I'll regret."
Stumbling back in disbelief at Yunho's continued physical advances, his drunken state, Changmin couldn't stop the tears from pricking his eyes. He couldn't believe what was happening, and the fact that Yunho would turn to this rather than just tell him the truth. He wasn't sure what he felt anymore, the aching in his chest making everything else so hard to gauge.
Yunho was leaning back against the wall, head tilted back and eyes closed. Changmin wondered when the rest of his
hyungs would come back, realizing he really couldn't stay here any longer. The timing was wrong and he was the wrong person to comfort Yunho when he was like this. Because he was like this over him. It was out of his control now, way too far above his head, but the words tumbled out anyway, empty reassurances formed by habit. "I'll be here...if you need me."
He turned away quickly, hands clenching into fists as he made his way across the room. He would call one of the others, always more responsible and confident than him. Someone else to take care of Yunho when he was like this because it wasn't something he could handle. And he supposed that this was it, this was how it was going to end.
He hoped and yet hated himself for even thinking that he wouldn’t have to go through with actually saying the words directly after this. Because Yunho seemed to hate the idea of them actually becoming something, seemed to horribly regret ever confessing to him, and it still hurt enough that Changmin stubbornly seized that as their closure.
Behind him there was a flurry of movement and he paused to turn. Yunho's hard body hit him before he was even all the way around, arms around his waist steadying him just as the force of the embrace and unstability of Yunho's balance threatened to make him fall over.
"I do need you." Yunho choked in his ear. “I need you...so badly."
He was heavy against him, sagging his weight into Changmin who struggled to keep him up, arms coming up reflexively to grip Yunho's frame. Yunho lurched against him and they stumbled backwards awkwardly, Changmin's feet tripping over themselves and then the back of his knees met the side of the couch.
His breath left in a gasp as he fell back onto the cushions with Yunho heavy and solid on top of him. He gasped for air as Yunho lay like a dead weight on top of him, not even trying to move away. Catching his breath, Changmin untangled his arms from around the other, resting them against his shoulders and gently trying to push him away.
Yunho resisted, draping over him more heavily as if all strength had left his body. "Please, don't move." Came that pleading tone again. "Changmin-ah. Do you have any idea what you do to me?"
Changmin shivered as Yunho's lips grazed his neck while he spoke, realizing belatedly that Yunho's fingers had curled under the hem of his shirt, hot digits trailing along the small patch of exposed skin. He pressed his palms against his shoulders again, hardly comfortable with their position and feeling weak and helpless with the way Yunho was pinning him down, with the way he sent his heart thudding against his rib cage with just a few words.
Yunho struggled to lift himself up a bit, looking down at him with such a sad expression that Changmin forgot all about trying to sit up or put a normal distance between them, his body going still along with his heart. Those eyes he knew so well were glittering with vulnerability, as if begging for Changmin to accept him, to tell him that it was okay, that he wasn’t disgusted with him. To forgive him.
"Changmin-ah...can you...believe me if i say....can you ever forgive me, if I...I wanna..." His head dropped closer, one hand rubbing up and along his body before he slid fingers around the back of his neck, the other pushing all the way under his shirt, palm burning hot on his skin. "I want to kiss you again...I'm going crazy....because I want you to be mine." His voice was low and husky, heartfelt and entrancing. "I think... I love you."
Changmin's stopped heart began beating again with the nauseating drop of his stomach, and Yunho was leaning closer, lips only inches away. One knee was suddenly pressing between his legs, pushing their stomachs flush together, hips pressing him down into the couch, trapping him with his body just as his words now captured his attention completely.
"I need you...to be mine..." Yunho breathed on his lips, and Changmin's heart was pounding in his throat. Yunho had finally said it. The three words he'd been waiting for seemingly countless months. The words he’d dreamed of and obsessed over countless days. It was the first time someone said those words to him, and he had expected so much from them, had thought it would feel amazing, that he would be soaring.
His breath was taken away, but the churning of his stomach was something more like nerves, the feeling much closer to something like panic and Changmin couldn't bear to admit or recognize it. He was overwhelmed, could only think that it wasn’t supposed to happen this way, and Yunho's hands were moving sensually slow all over his skin.
And all his remaining resolve was crushed under guilt and the feeling that he had to show Yunho that he appreciated and recognized all that he did for him. How could he reject someone who'd made Changmin the center of his world? How could he say no right at the moment Yunho bared his soul and whispered those fragile words into reality? The person who’d spent months spilling his heart out to Changmin, the person who loved him so unconditionally.
As much as Yunho's actions and words were confusing, as much as Yunho himself seemed horribly conflicted over it, in the end he’d finally came out and said it. He’d given him his heart and asked for a chance. How could he say no to the love now offered so completely?
Changmin had been wrong to think the other was giving up. It wasn't as simple as that, was it? Though Changmin knew he was being so selfish, was being slowly eaten alive from the inside with remorse and guilt and such heavy gut wrenching regret, he still knew deep down and couldn’t hide from himself the fact that he'd been relieved, secretly wanted Yunho to pretend like none of it had actually happened.
Because he no longer had the heart to admit the truth to Yunho. He couldn’t bear to say that the single week of returning to that close friendship with Jaejoong greatly outweighed the months of letters and very real romantic love offered to him now. Compared to those precious moments with Jaejoong, this kind of love wasn’t enough, wasn’t what he really wanted anymore. He couldn't, wouldn’t lie anymore, but those three words had already been said.
Now it was too late to take back, and he couldn't undo the step they'd both tumbled forward. Yunho had taken the leap and bared himself, had asked Changmin to chose him. He couldn’t think, suffocated and drowning in the rush of emotions and sensations of the moment. He sucked in a shaky breath, a burning feeling returning to the back of his eyes and pinching at his throat as his own whisper broke the silence.
"I...am yours." The words left his mouth of their own accord, not what he meant to say. Not what he was supposed to say.
Then Yunho’s body was descending on his, arms twisting around him and drawing them tightly together. Yunho’s embrace was too strong, crushing him within well muscled arms as his face pressed into Changmin’s neck. It was nothing like the gentle loving touch that Changmin knew and expected from the other, instead something so fierce, breath feverishly hot against his skin. He was hugging him painfully tight, as if afraid he would slip away, as if he’d been longing and longing to do so, as if he’d been holding back for ages. Changmin’s surprise was a muffled sound in Yunho’s hair.
He reeked of alcohol and his hands burned like fire, already slipping back under his shirt and tugging in his hair. Changmin was paralyzed as Yunho started caressing his skin again, powerless to slow it down or to even respond, it was all too much at once with the fever of drunkenness, and his heart raced as the flicker of apprehensive fear within him grew.
Because despite his mindless response moments before, one born from the pressure to appease his own guilt, from the inability to reject Yunho after seeing the look in his eyes as he said ‘I love you’, he couldn't stop the desperate voice in his head that continually pleaded this was not what he wanted. He couldn't shut the voice up, couldn't think of anything else, and he felt so low and dirty for lying. Both to Yunho and himself.
Forget the letters, forget the confessions from a fragile heart...he hadn’t meant for this to happen. He couldn’t fight away the guilt that filled him as he let Yunho hold him how he wanted, because as much as he saw Yunho falling apart before him, he still couldn't stop the thought that this might all be perfect, might have him responding just as passionately, if it wasn't Yunho....but Jaejoong instead...
And that thought alone was enough to make him want to curl into a ball consisting of self-disgust, curl into nothing and disappear. That he could ever think such a thing at the same moment Yunho was holding and touching him, and Changmin's eyes fell closed helplessly, biting his lip harshly to try and keep back the tears now threatening in earnest to spill from his eyes.
Why was he so disgustingly weak? Why couldn’t he have just said ‘no’, or ‘I’m sorry’ right at the moment it was needed? Even as he knew it was better to get it out and over with as fast as possible since it would hurt and break Yunho regardless either way. The hot tears now leaking from the corners of his eyes pointed out the blatant answer, and Changmin forced down the lump in his throat. How could he push him away? How could he...?
Realizing Yunho had finally released him from the tight hold and that he was now looking down at him, Changmin held his gaze as he lay frozen and unprotected, unable to find the strength to even try and move out from under him anymore.
Changmin blinked and suddenly the older man was moving, straddling his body as his hips pressed him down. Hands slid up along his sides and along his arms, sensually, deliberately, then strong fingers were wrapping around his wrists, maneuvering them only too easily until they were pinned tightly on either side of his head.
Changmin couldn't breathe. He didn't know if it was due to the heavy body holding him down, or to the now easily identifiable fear that coursed through him. What was Yunho trying to do? What if he was so drunk he didn't even have control over himself anymore?
"H-hyung-. You're scaring me." He gasped out, feebly trying to pull his hands out of the older man's grip. Yunho's fingers only tightened and he leaned in closer, a lopsided smile on his lips and a glazed look in his eyes.
Changmin tried to swallow but his throat was constricted, mouth run dry as those eyes raked over him. Once again a pair of eyes he couldn’t see Yunho in, an expression he didn’t recognize. He again tugged at his hands, biting back a pathetic whimper as Yunho moved above him and he clearly felt something hard pressing against his thigh.
"You're drunk...Hyung...you're not in your right mind. Please, let go of me." He didn't care that he was begging, wanting to run away. Even though a minute ago Yunho was telling him he loved him, he was now suddenly acting like a different person. And although he knew with his mind that it was still just Yunho, a drunk out of his senses Yunho, his body was resisting the advances.
Yunho spoke, words slurred so thoroughly together he almost couldn't understand. "Changmin-ah...don't you trust me?" Each word spilled the foul scent of alcohol directly into his face. "I've taken care of you- all this time. You know that, right?"
Changmin reluctantly managed a nod, feeling even more horrible as slight reproach colored Yunho's voice. He was just being stupid and childish, and they just needed to talk this through. He bit his lip trying to control his racing heart, and took a deep deliberate breath, lifting his eyes to meet Yunho's.
The older man was staring at his face intently, no, more like at his lips. His eyes were shining with desire and need. No one had ever looked at him like that before. Was that what people called the look of love? He didn't know...and seeing this look on Yunho, he couldn't understand why it made him feel so scared. How much of that was really Yunho?
"That's it." Yunho breathed as Changmin took another breath, his voice was low and full of air. Heat spread across Changmin's face as the other leaned closer and closer. "Just relax. I would never hurt you."
Yunho's eyes were hooded, intoxicated, as his face came closer. Changmin's heart was pounding in his chest almost painfully, his arms still pinned uncomfortably, the only thing he could do was turn his head to one side as Yunho’s proximity was too close and too hot, too intense and too everything.
The hot lips that pressed against his neck drew a started jerk from his body. Blood rushed to his cheeks as he flushed uncontrollably. He squeezed his eyes closed as a strange sound came from deep in Yunho’s throat, something that made his heart race and thoughts scatter in all directions.
The other man’s lips continued to take advantage of his exposed neck, and Changmin squirmed, breath seeming stuck in his chest, as the touches on sensitive skin were slightly too rough, sloppy and unwelcome. He didn’t know what to do, and was even more freaked out as his whole body seemed to respond to the administrations. He felt hot and tingly all over, and the new feelings were all but terrifying.
Yunho kissed a trail along his collar bones, his mouth all warm tongue, open mouthed kisses, and teeth. Changmin was unable to suppress a choked whimper as everything started feeling so fast and intense.
The sounds of his own weak protests filled the stuffy room, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to say the words directly. Even though he was supposed to, was going to tell him ‘no’ any minute now, he didn’t want to actually reject or hurt the other. Why was it so hard to say such a simple word?
"Hyung - hyung, wait. W-wait!” Changmin’s voice rose slightly, unable to control it as hands were fumbling with the material of his shirt, trying to tug it off his body. Yunho seemed to not hear him, and his fingers sunk into Yunho’s hair, gently pulling and trying to dislodge the head that was making its way down his chest.
"Hyung, please! Come to your senses!" Changmin choked on the words, the body above him feeling so heavy and trapping him. He wished this was just a bad dream, that this moment would already end, because the lips on his skin, the hands on his hips, they felt invasive and terrifying.
His eyes were stinging and then suddenly Yunho’s face was in front of him again, his dark eyes seemed to burn through him as he breathed heavily. However, the other looked into his face and his movement stilled. Changmin took gulping breaths, hardly hoping to believe that the other would stop now and just let him go. This was enough, more than enough. He couldn’t delay it a second longer.
“Changmin-ah.” Yunho’s voice was lower than usual, a breathy thick sound, and he nervously licked his lips.
Before he could continue, words spilled from Changmin’s mouth, his whole body trembling slightly with emotion. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I’m s-sorry. P-please, hyung-” Changmin’s face crumpled with the thick words that hung in the air. For so long he had wanted so badly to return the secret admirer’s feelings, to say yes to this, to all the love and care Yunho had proved to him the past months. He felt so guilty, low and ugly and cruel to say no now, to push the man away after all he had shown him. It was even worse because now he knew he had to say no to all of it. All or nothing. How could they stay friends after something like this? "I...I don't...I can't love you this way."
Yunho’s hand that had been stroking his cheek, a gentle loving touch, went still, and the eyes gazing at him had lost their focus. He frowned as if he couldn't understand the words he'd just heard, looking blank as he took in the open distress on Changmin’s face.
“Shhh." He reassured. "It’s okay... calm down." Changmin didn't know if Yunho was actually speaking to him or if the words were for himself. Did Yunho not hear him? Did he not understand what he'd said? If Changmin pushed him away and ran from the room...would he even remember any of this in the morning?
He couldn't make himself repeat the rejection, feeling so torn by the way Yunho had reacted to it, just gazing back at him steadily, his hand so gentle against Changmin's face. Then Yunho was smiling.
"You don't love me...do you?" It wasn't a question, and the words sounded so hollowly empty, as if there weren't enough tears to fill them up properly.
He could see the fragility in those eyes, the defeat, and felt he should say he did love him...like a brother...as a friend..."No. I don't." Straight and blunt, and so confidently strong, he couldn't believe the words had come from his own mouth. But Yunho just looked at him sadly, his eyes so deep, nodding his head in acceptance.
"Of course...I know that...I always knew..." His head sank down to pillow against Changmin’s chest, as if it were too heavy to keep up anymore. "It's all so wrong...I’m so...disgusting...can’t ever let him know. Never...tell Changmin...he wont hate me if he doesn't know...don't want him to hate me..."
Changmin swallowed thickly, hardly able to make out the words. Yunho seemed to have sunken completely into the alcohol clouding his brain, forgetting who was currently beneath him...forgetting he'd just confessed and nearly taken advantage of him...and Changmin felt utterly horrible, the feeling only growing, pressing down on him as Yunho finally lost consciousness, laying heavily on top of him.
Changmin let out the breath he'd been holding, the sound choked and loud in the quiet room, and looked helplessly, desperately around for some way to undo this...to deny this all. He wasn't even entirely sure it had really happened.
And it was only then he saw that the light was on in the hallway, and the silhouette of a figure was clearly illuminated standing in the entrance of the living room.
He didn’t care who it was, or how bad this must look. He needed someone right now. And he called out in a cracked voice, suddenly on the edge of tears. “Hyung?”
The figure didn’t move or speak, they seemed to be frozen. Or maybe they weren’t even there at all and he was just wishing, just seeing things.
“Help me.” He all but whimpered. The edges of their body blurred with the light, trembling together with the tears that blocked his vision.
Blinking the water away as best he could he tried to focus on them, wondering if they could even hear his weak plea, but his heart thudded painfully as when he looked again the doorway was empty. They were gone. Had left him.
And hot tears finally spilled over the edge of his eyes, sliding slowly down his cheeks. His eyes slid closed and he didn’t try to hold back the sob that tore from his throat without control. One was followed quickly by two, and three, and his chest heaved as he gave up and let it come.
He was too tired. Too broken. And everything that had gone wrong, the dreams that had shattered, the reality that had burned painfully, everything went into his tears, pouring down his face as he sobbed like a child.
Yunho was suddenly moving above him, but Changmin couldn’t even function anymore to the point he just lay there limply, willing to let whatever was to come happen. It didn’t matter now, and he just wanted to block out the world and get lost in the numbness of pure emotion that was crying. There was too much bottled up inside and he’d already lost all control or reason.
The weight of Yunho’s body was lifted from his own and so drowned in sorrow as he was he almost didn’t open his eyes to see why or what was going on. He didn’t know when it had happened but they were no longer alone. Someone was heaving Yunho up, twisting his arm over his neck and shoulders and lifting him almost bodily to his feet.
Yunho moaned softly, still seeming not quite conscious, but Changmin couldn’t see him properly anyway. It only mattered that one of his other hyungs was here, had freed him from the weight that paralyzed him, was taking Yunho away and leaving behind the freedom to admit his own selfish heartlessness and pathetic mistake; and new tears flooded to his eyes.
His hands lifted weakly to half cover his face as he curled over and onto his side. He needed something to hold onto, to cling to, because he was falling and it felt like it would never end.
“Wait for me. I’ll be right back.”
Another shuddering sob and he opened heavy lids to see the two forms now moving in the direction of the bedroom. A shorter frame supporting Yunho’s swaying towering body. He watched them go only a moment before letting his eyes close once more.
He cried and cried, his face completely wet, and soaking the surface of the couch beneath him, the salt of his tears stinging his eyes which felt like they were already swelling painfully. Because Jaejoong had said he’d be right back. He would come back, wouldn’t he? He wouldn’t leave him here, would he?
It felt like such a long time. Time only measured by each sob, each painful inhale. By the feel of tears continually seeping from his eyes. And he was so cold, shivering as he futilely attempted to hug himself.
Endless tears later and finally he heard soft footsteps. And then there was a blanket being draped over him, hands tucking it around him before slipping all the way under his shoulders and bodily lifting him up. He didn’t resist, following blindly until a warm body was beside him, arms encircling him and drawing him firmly into their protection.
Melting against Jaejoong, Changmin began to cry harder if anything. Loud and unrestricted, a complete mess which Jaejoong fully embraced in all of his flawed weakness, silently cradling him against his chest. And it was all he needed at that moment. Nothing else but this unassuming gesture, the soft voice telling him it was okay to cry, to let it out, and that he wasn’t alone.
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next chapter ~ ***