[Fic] The Three Kisses - chapter 8
Title: The three kisses
Pairing(s): Everyone/Changmin
Length: Chaptered (8/?)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: drama, romance, angst
Summary: Someone’s writing Changmin love letters. How’s he supposed to identify his admirer when all four of his band mates seem like the one?
A/N: this chapter didn't originally exist, but got some lovely comments that changed my mind about where to take this, and thank you so much <3...that being said i hope this isn't just a boring waste of words TT *wail*
Previous Chapters:
one | two | three | four | five | six | seven
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By the time he got back to the studio, Yunho was almost done recording his part and Changmin couldn't help staring at him as he made his way over to sit in the open spot beside Junsu.
"Changmin-ah, what took you so long?" Junsu asked in a low voice. "What did Yunho want to talk about anyway?"
Changmin could feel both Jaejoong and Yoochun's eyes on him from the other side and he shifted uncomfortably, automatically biting his lips as he suddenly felt that Junsu was staring at them for a little too long.
"Nothing much important." He brushed it off, and thankfully Junsu let it drop.
Focusing his attention back on Yunho, Changmin felt oddly alone as he took in that face, now stoney and serious, a mask covering everything that he'd just found out...everything that he now knew. He could almost still feel those strong arms holding him in a phantom hug. A hot bruising kiss that made it hard to breath even just by remembering it.
His eyes stung as the words replayed mercilessly in his mind. This never happened...forgive me.
Once more lost in his own thoughts, Changmin didn't notice the way Jaejoong and Yoochun were having a fiercely whispered conversation, nor the way Junsu couldn't seem to keep from staring at Yoochun. He couldn’t see anything except for the way that Yunho was deliberately avoiding his eyes, ignoring him as if he didn't exist. He'd said he wouldn't do that. He’d said he wouldn't ignore him like the others. Why was he doing this? Running away.
The ache in his heart was now rivaling the ache in his head, and he'd never felt so relieved before to have the day come to an end. He followed after the others as they made their way out of the room. A hand on his elbow made him pause, turning around to find Junsu looking nervous, worrying his lower lip between his teeth.
Changmin just questioned him with his eyes, still feeling too upset to want to speak. After glancing around the room and looking furtively out the door to check that everyone had left and that they were alone, Junsu turned back to him and took in a large breath.
“It’s Yoochun.” He said in a rush without preamble, and Changmin could only blink at him stupidly. Yoochun, what? He didn’t respond, and Junsu seemed to squirm before him, licking his lips and only meeting his eyes after a few seconds of staring at the floor. “It’s not you.” He tried again, looking at Changmin with a guilty, sorry expression. As if asking him to stop making him have to explain, as if wanting him to fill in the rest of the blanks on his own. But Changmin had too many other things on his mind, most of which revolved around Yunho, and he didn’t want to play this guessing game.
Changmin frowned lightly. “What’s not me? What are you talking about, hyung?”
Junsu’s nervous, cautious expression instantly melted into one of resignation, and he rubbed one hand roughly over his face as if to try and hide it. His hand finally fell to hook around his other arm, giving himself an odd sort of half-hug as he looked back at Changmin with remorse in his eyes. “I should have told you from the beginning. It’s probably my fault that everything...became like this.”
He paused again as if waiting for Changmin to step in and say something. He didn’t, and Junsu let out a slow breath. “I...I always, since a long time ago...really liked, no, loved...still love...Yoochun.” His sentence had faded into a mere whisper by the time he finished speaking, and it circled slowly through Changmin’s mind as he took in the honest vulnerability sketched across his face.
He couldn’t help it. His first reaction was a mix of slightly bitter resentment. Then why did you treat me like that, he wanted to ask. But what right did he have to blame Junsu when it had been him kissing Yoochun...even while knowing full well that Yoochun only wanted Junsu. And here Junsu was saying he liked Yoochun in return, too.
“Why didn't you just say so?” He asked tiredly, something seeming to collapse upon itself within him as he searched Junsu’s eyes that held so many things he couldn’t read. He had always thought the other was straightforward and simple, but he really couldn’t understand. Had Junsu not realized how confused Changmin had been? Had he really not known that Changmin seriously considered that Junsu may love him? Junsu even knew about the letters and everything.
Junsu returned the stare, also seeming to study him in turn with those unreadable eyes. And then he was smiling. It was a sad smile, tinged with undeniable fondness, but his eyes were glinting with a sparkle of mirth. “Well, why haven’t you told Jaejoong-hyung, then?”
Changmin was efficiently lost for words. He didn’t have an answer ready nor could he even start to make up his mind on how he wanted to answer that. And the look on his face seemed to be enough for Junsu, for the other just shook his head with that same smile continuing to tug at the corner of his lips.
“Let’s go.” He said, patting Changmin’s arm affectionately as he turned to the door.
Changmin followed and they walked slowly down the hall. The silence between them hung heavily, both of them seeming to have unfinished words to say, unanswered questions along with the same frustration of just not knowing, the uncertainty that had made them both lose track of themselves along the way.
And Changmin couldn’t get the question out of his head. Why, really, had he not told Jaejoong? Did he even want to?
“Yoochun.” His eyes moved to Junsu, who wasn’t looking at him but the word was directed at him. “Do you think he really...loves me?”
He couldn’t suppress a smile at the almost childish way Junsu asked the question. Unsure and begging for validation. Junsu’s confession and the flickering reappearance of something he’d almost forgotten he used to identify as ‘Junsu’ in the depths of those recently clouded eyes, had released the faintest breeze within him that melted away the insecurities and questions, freeing a small path and making it that much easier to breathe.
“I’m positive.” He answered seriously, meeting Junsu’s eyes and they seemed to share more with that look alone than any of the words that were still left to be said could ever cover.
Junsu looked away again, but not before Changmin saw the unruly hope in his eyes, the way he bit the side of his lips.
They didn’t speak again and were then climbing into the awkward quiet of the van, moving to sit themselves in the back. Settling down beside each other, Changmin thought the way Junsu was looking at Yoochun was almost awkwardly blatant and obvious, but he didn’t think that was really a bad thing.
Not with how the man in question finally turned around to look at them from his seat in the front, causing Junsu to instantly look hurriedly away, missing the expression on Yoochun's face. But even heart sick as he was, Changmin saw it. The light that was back in Yoochun’s chocolate eyes, and more importantly, the undeniably loving way he stared at Junsu.
Changmin watched them silently, feeling a huge portion of him slowly relax when Junsu snuck a look back at Yoochun, all hesitation, a glitter of longing in his eyes. He felt so relieved that they would probably be okay, that things could be fixed even though he'd truly messed everything up so badly. They had to be happy especially if he himself couldn't be.
He wondered sadly if everything could really go back to how it was. Or at least if they could just get over this period, start over and forget that things had ever come to this. Maybe they could. If he accepted defeat and just gave up like Yunho obviously wanted...had already done.
Even if he could forget and bury all those days of reading letters, the fantasies and the unbearable longing...in the end could he really let go? Maybe he should give Yunho more credit, acknowledge his courage in choosing to stop because he didn't think he could do the same, even after all this.
And his eyes fell upon the dark hair just visible over the front seat. Maybe he could let go...if only that would make them go back to normal. Him and Jaejoong. Now that it had come to this, he felt that their friendship, their connection, whatever it was they had shared before was more important than his unrealistic idealized fantasies of love. He could give those up, they weren't real anyway. And it would be worth it.
Almost as if he could feel him staring, Jaejoong slowly turned his head, peering over his shoulder and catching Changmin's eyes directly.
They held each other's gaze as time stretched between them. Changmin lost all words, all thought, just existing for the sudden warmth that bled through his chest at the soft familiar sheen in those dark orbs.
As if he was forgiven...as if saying it was all okay. Even though Jaejoong could never know, would never know why. And Changmin suddenly couldn't bear it anymore, breaking the eye contact first as a familiar jolt through his heart sent tears into his eyes.
He didn't know if Jaejoong looked away or if he was still staring at him. So many feelings, so many words that needed to be said, that needed to be let go without ever being voiced, that were stifling him and strangling him as they stuck in his throat.
He wanted to let them out so badly, wanted to release himself from the pain. And he really didn't think Jaejoong could treat him any worse than he had been with or without confessing everything. If nothing changed he would at least be free from the internal torment.
He played with the idea for the rest of the ride home, or more like let it run rampantly from side to side in his head. He was distracted from his internal battle when they pulled up in front of the apartments and his hyungs got out of the car.
Changmin followed quickly, eyes following Jaejoong curiously as the oldest didn't make his way inside but rather started off down the street. No one stopped him and Changmin's heart sank a little as he watched him go. Maybe this was for the best. He'd just keep his mouth shut and forget. That was the only way he could even hope to get Jaejoong back by his side.
He turned around slowly to find that both Junsu and Yoochun still hadn't gone in. They were standing awkwardly in front of the main entrance, facing each other but with their eyes landing everywhere but on each other. Changmin stared at them for a long moment.
Above them the sky was a dim and darkening navy, twilight heavy around them and bringing with it a gentle reprieve from the heat of the day. The lighting somehow gave Changmin more courage as he felt it shielded and hid him, and he stepped forward hesitantly.
"Hyung..." They both turned to look at him quickly, and he faltered. His heart beat quickened despite himself as he came to stand between them in that space that was too large. "Can't we all...just go back to normal?" He whispered, now unable to look at either of them, focusing instead on the ground at his feet.
Yoochun reached for his hand first, wrapping cool fingers about his own, and Changmin looked up to meet eyes brimming with warm affection. Changmin didn't think he needed any more words to understand that everything was going to be okay, Yoochun's eyes told him so. And he wanted to believe in that, so badly.
"I'd love to..." Yoochun began, but trailed off as Junsu cleared his throat slightly. Changmin turned his eyes to him instead, surprised to find Junsu's face twisted once more in regret.
"I'm really sorry, Min." He said while taking Changmin's other hand, but Changmin just shook his head. He managed a small smile as he brought the two hands together, pressing Junsu's hand into Yoochun's with his own wrapped around both for a moment.
He saw the way both of them started, finally looking straight at each other as Changmin slowly let his own hands fall away. They didn't release each other and Changmin's smile grew then faltered.
Both seemed lost for words and Changmin realized how much he truly hated the feelings of awkwardness and uncomfortableness between them all. It was so painful, and he was sick of it.
"Please." His voice seemed to startle them again, and Changmin shifted his weight between his feet. "Forget everything that happened last night.” He almost choked on the words as they seemed to repeat within his head, an echo of Yunho’s voice. He shook the voice away; it was the right thing to say now. “Blame it on me. And just make up, okay?"
He couldn't meet their eyes even as he knew Yoochun was looking at him steadily, while Junsu said his name softly. He felt stupid and out of place here trying to push his hyungs together, but since he was the one who'd gotten between them in the first place, it was only his responsibility.
Trying to smile at them, he grabbed hold of their shoulders to push them gently in the direction of the apartment. For a moment, his eyes briefly met Yoochun's and the look in them made him satisfied that he was doing the right thing. As for Junsu, he wasn't taking his eyes off of his hand entwined with Yoochun's.
Yoochun took a single step towards their home before turning and walking the other way, leading Junsu behind him with a tug on his hand. "Don't wait up for us." He called over his shoulder and Changmin stood there silently watching them walk away. The air between them was still wrong, the space separating them still too far, but there in the middle was their joined hands and Changmin couldn't quite make sense of the sadness that filled him at the sight.
They were going to talk it out and take a chance. But it would turn out all right, he was almost sure of it. And when they came back, they would be back to how they'd always been...or would they? Would they now have a different light in their eyes? Would those friendly touches actually become something more?
He couldn't lie that he wasn't a bit jealous and disappointed, if not bitter. He wasn't ready to give up, but really had no choice any more. He must have just had everything wrong from the start, since the pair walking away from him were showing him how it was supposed to be. And he could only watch from the side.
Hanging his head, Changmin made his way through the apartment complex to the small park area in its center, quiet and deserted at this time of the evening.
Sitting down on a bench he looked up at all the warmly lit windows above him. Usually a sight that comforted him and made him think of family and home, tonight the lights made him feel cold and alone. He longed for the old warmth that had slowly seeped from their own shared home, and wondered which of the darkened windows above belonged to them.
Faintly, he could hear the sounds of people living. Voices and laughter from one side, a television playing, a baby crying and a girl singing. He'd become too narrow minded and focused on one thing that he'd lost contact with everything else, and sitting there just listening made his world slowly fade, widen and stretch.
Everything was okay. Life would go on, and he'd have to follow along with it. He didn't want to live like they had been anymore, and unbidden the memories of last night, of earlier in the afternoon...everything came flooding back vividly.
It should have made him happy finding out everything. Yunho embracing, kissing him. But he felt it had all gone horribly bad. Yunho's words were somehow all wrong. Something fragile and beautiful trashed and thrown away. This was not how it was supposed to end.
He wanted to give them a chance even if Yunho had given up. Because he had already decided to give up on Jaejoong, that he had to give up for Yunho's sake. And he thought he could do it since he did care about Yunho. He believed in Yunho's sincerity, so now he'd have to try and give something back, put in some of his own effort.
This was the right choice. It had to be. Otherwise nothing that had happened would make any sense. And he knew he was just trying to rationalize and persuade himself, even force his stubborn heart to change or at least open up part of it to someone else.
He stayed on the bench for a long time, trying over and over to convince himself that his decision was correct, and that he actually had the strength to do it. But it was harder than he thought to detach his emotions from all the stubborn memories that seemed to cling all the tighter the moment he tried to shove them away.
Jaejoong's bright smile. His bubbly laughter. The something that filled him up when he would look at him directly, smiling with his eyes. Those eyes, dark and expressive, soft glitters of affection, the way they lit up when they used to tease each other back and forth. The way he couldn't stop laughing when he'd gotten Changmin in a headlock, or wrestled him down only to tease him with the slaps and pokes that he’d come to label as something that was only and always just theirs.
There was more, too much more, and he dropped his head into his hands as they all felt so far away. Just memories of a different part of his life, a different him...and he'd never have guessed he'd wish to stay that way, return to that time. And he regretted it so much.
Finally getting too frustrated at himself and his lack of control, now unable to think of anything else except for Jaejoong, he got quickly to his feet, walking quickly towards the apartment. He had to get a hold of himself, had to get his head cleared. Had to forget, forget, forget.
All through the ride up the elevator, he couldn't stop the mantra going through his aching head. Sitting for so long outside and the cool of the nighttime air seemed to have clung to his clothes, chilling his skin and sending slight shivers along his body.
He wrapped his arms around himself as he walked down the hallway, on odd feeling settling in the pit of his stomach. He assumed it was just his reaction to watching Yoochun and Junsu walk off hand in hand, a burden finally lifted off his chest but leaving a different heavy weight in his heart.
The beeping of the door code seemed loud in the empty corridor, and as he pushed the door open to be met with a dark house. The chilled feeling tried to creep its way into his very core. He closed the door softly with a sigh, slipping off his shoes and feeling more lonely even than he'd felt just before outside.
He padded quietly through the rooms, each dark empty space that met his eyes further dampening what little courage he’d managed to gather on the way up. Yunho wasn’t there. No one was there. And he fought the urge to throw himself on his bed, curl up and sink into depression.
Where had Yunho gone? Why? And why weren’t the others back yet? He didn’t want to be alone with his deflated decision. If he couldn’t face him now, he wasn’t so sure he could manage to do it later. He had to wait for him to come back.
Feeling more and more hopeless, he quietly made his way across the living room, not quite sure what to do with himself. He stopped in front of the big windows, watching the gently flickering lights across the city, almost dancing like fireflies in the blackness. Here from this side, too, they were cold. A light he couldn't embrace, one gone from this very room.
He turned away from the sight sadly, halfway across the dark room before a sudden voice stopped him in his tracks.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
He froze. Jaejoong's tone was so soft and hesitant, and he almost wasn't sure he'd even heard it. He hadn’t seen anyone there a few minutes ago when he’d peeked into the room. Peering cautiously into the darkness to try and make out where his hyung was speaking from, all that met his searching eyes was blackness.
"H-hyung? I'm sorry, I didn’t know you were there." He spoke carefully, already trying to think of how he should excuse himself, feeling like Jaejoong must have mistook him for someone else, finding it hard to believe that the older would speak to him again so casually.
“Sit with me?” His voice floated through the darkness, disembodied, dream like. And Changmin’s heart thudded within his chest.
How could he deny such a request? He wanted it too much, and thought he should really turn away and avoid the situation that was already tugging at his heart. His eyes searched the darkness to finally land on the slightly blacker shadow that was Jaejoong sitting on the couch.
Despite his better judgement, despite the voice in his head telling him not to because he wouldn’t be able to walk away later if he didn’t do it now, he made his way quietly across the room. Each step and his heart rate increased with an odd sort of nerves.
Finally he was able to see him more clearly, curled up comfortably on the sofa with a cushion pillow wrapped in his arms. He was staring across the room to the window that Changmin had just left, and Changmin was temporarily mesmerized by the way a faint light reflected in his deep black eyes. Beautiful and alluring, making his breath catch, and he was overly aware that it was only just the two of them. He hesitated.
He didn’t trust himself to not take this situation to heart, to not be able to look back on it as merely sitting together with a friend and bandmate. No. He could only catalogue this as being alone in the dark with his secret love, and he knew that was going against everything he’d decided. He couldn’t do this to Yunho, and he had to admit that he still wasn’t ready, unable to face Jaejoong or situations like this without those now inappropriate thoughts parading through his head.
He had to turn away, needed more space and time. But Jaejoong didn’t seem to want to give him that, or even let him have so much as a choice. Fingers came out of no where to wrap around his wrist, tugging him easily down onto the couch.
Changmin’s breath caught at the touch and he could only be thankful yet disappointed at the same time that he’d fallen to sit far enough away so that their bodies weren’t quite touching. He knew he would do a poor job at hiding his feelings if he had.
As it was, Jaejoong’s hand on his lingered for a moment longer before he withdrew it, and to Changmin those mere seconds felt like everything he’d been missing and everything he couldn’t have.
It really was the right choice to let this one sided love go, because he wouldn’t be able to function around Jaejoong anymore, especially with anything close and intimate like this. And that wouldn’t work out because the five of them would always be together, closeknit and inseparable, and they needed that to succeed, to survive. He couldn’t mess it all up with single minded selfishness.
Jaejoong seemed to feel his nervousness, and had no reserves about telling him so. Changmin briefly wondered where the cold facade had gone, the unreachable Jaejoong who would avoid him at all costs, as suddenly and shockingly, his own hyung seemed to have come back, reappearing before him as if nothing had ever happened.
“Why are you so nervous? It’s just me.”
Changmin swallowed, weighing the options in his mind. Just you...that’s exactly why I’m nervous. His cheeks warmed up slightly as he really let himself take in their position, where he was and who he was with.
“Changmin-ah.” Jaejoong started again as the silence stretched on too long, and he felt guilty for the way his heart skipped in response to the low sweet tone of his name. “You were looking for Yunho, weren’t you?”
Caught off guard with the question, he felt his blush deepen and hoped it was too dark for Jaejoong to be able to see it. “I was just...do you know where he is?”
He couldn’t help himself, only too easily grasping on to the easy way out that Jaejoong had so unknowingly offered him. He wanted to take the attention off of himself as fast as possible.
“He was gone already by the time I got back.” Jaejoong answered calmly before turning away from the window at last so that he could look at Changmin instead. “But where have you been?”
He had caught Changmin staring and he quickly tried to look away, to pretend he hadn't been mesmerized even as he longed to look directly into the other's eyes. “Nowhere, really.”
He forced himself to stay still and calm, to not squirm under the scrutiny of Jaejoong’s eyes. He dropped his gaze from the dangerous perceptiveness of those eyes, staring instead at the way dark hair brushed against the whtie fabric of his shirt.
Jaejoong was silent for a while, watching him, and Changmin desperately wished somebody would come in and save him from the awkwardness of the moment. He really treasured every last minute they had together like this, but at the present it was proving to really be too much to handle.
So wrapped up in anxiousness and fluttering nerves, he was totally unprepared for the sudden sharp slap that landed on his arm. Flinching in surprise, he turned automatically, hand already whipping out without his intention to slap across Jaejoong’s shoulder in retaliation.
His mouth fell open at his natural response, at the undeniable smack of a strength driven blow, and he flushed even more as Jaejoong only chuckled, a small smile lighting his face.
“One touch...” Jaejoong whispered it as if it were something he shouldn't say, voice low and tight with unveiled emotion. And just like that, Changmin felt himself finally, unexplainably, relax.
His shoulders sank back into the softness of the couch as he too smiled lightly. Of all things...and he turned his head again to find with a swooping rush that he met Jaejoong’s eyes directly. A shared smile, the warmth and strength of cherished memories built together, and then he was shattering it, ruining it as his head began churning, full of so many things he wanted to say that he was rendered speechless.
And he wished the other really wouldn’t as Jaejoong reached over, fingers brushing his bangs back into place, tugging unruly hair to lie flat, then finishing by curling the longer strands behind one ear, fingers caressing and gently tracing the curve of his ear for a moment. He didn’t want Jaejoong to stop, wanted to memorize the feel of those hands, and the creep of heat up his neck was now one of abashed shame.
“You really haven’t been taking care of yourself very well.” A statement filled with admonishment, worry, and something near to reproach, and Changmin felt guilt rise easily. His own welfare had been the last thing on his mind, and he could still remember the way he’d wished so desperately that Jaejoong would baby him and take care of him instead. He could never explain something like that to anyone.
“I’m fine.” He protested weakly, greatly unnerved by the thought that Jaejoong probably knew better and could almost always guess at the truth squashed behind his denials.
Jaejoong looked him full in the face. “Yoochun says you’re...really not okay.” He hesitated a moment and it was enough to fill Changmin with an immediate jolt of irrational panic. What had Yoochun told him? Surely not about their...mistake? That story was only one of hurt to anyone involved. And it definitely couldn’t have been about...his letters, could it?
Changmin was already completely tense again, heart racing as he scrambled to think of believable explanations and excuses. He really, really didn’t want Jaejoong to know what they’d done. There was no way to hide it should he already know, and his mind went infuriatingly blank.
“What did he tell you?” The question was too obvious, defensive, giving him away, but Jaejoong shook his head.
“Nothing I couldn’t already see myself. You know you’re not good at hiding things, anyway. Everyone knows that.” A faint smile crossed his lips for a fleeting second before it was replaced once again by a serious expression. “I just...” He paused, hesitating a long moment as Changmin hung on his every word, fingers gripping the leather of the couch tightly. “I want you to feel safe with me when I tell you that...I see the way you look at him. And...I know what that look means.”
Nothing else he could have said would have shocked Changmin more, almost a pysical blow that took his breath away. No...he had it all wrong, but why did he sound so sure?
“You were trying to hide it from me on purpose, weren’t you?” His tone was so gentle and soft, as if afraid he’d drive him away. “Did you think I wouldn’t accept you? Or that I might look at you differently?” A ghost of a sigh. “I would always be on your side, Changmin-ah. No matter what people say, no matter who would point their fingers at you.” Changmin wished he would just stop talking, but at the same time didn’t want to miss a single word, having to hear it until the end to confirm the truth of what Jaejoong was telling him. “You don’t have to bear this burden alone...unless I make you uncomfortable. I just want you to know that I’m fine with it, and...want to support you.”
He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Finally Jaejoong was reaching out to him again, offering his warm accepting embrace while the words that came from his mouth were rubbing raw and painful. Here he was asking him to confide in him, lean on him, but only because he thought Changmin was in love with one of the others.
Why would he think that when it was only just today that he’d finally found out about Yunho? It didn’t make sense and he wanted to ask if Jaejoong was sure he hadn’t seen the way Changmin had watched Jaejoong himself. If he really couldn’t hide it like the other said, then it should have been clear. Even Junsu had seen it.
But, no. He was supposed to stop this, to forget. And Jaejoong getting it wrong and telling him he was fine with it was just one more indication he should put an end to this one sided obsession, one more reason why he had to suppress his feelings for good.
He still couldn’t form a reply, staring blankly back into Jaejoong’s hesitantly expectant face. Jaejoong shifted in his seat slightly, almost looking uncomfortable, and the look on his face didn’t make any sense. Changmin didn’t know what was wrong or what else lurked behind the pale facade, because Jaejoong looked so...sorry...regretful almost. And his words seemed to be a plea for Changmin to give him a chance to prove how good of a hyung he was, could still be.
“I don’t know what you’re talking-”
A finger pressed hastily to his lips stopped him mid-sentence as well as making his insides trip over themselves at the contact.
“It’s okay, Changmin-ah, you don’t have to say anything. Don’t worry, I don’t look at you any differently. Don't find it wrong, and...nothing will change between us because of it.”
The words stung, and the weak smile that Jaejoong gave him seemed so fake, and forced for some reason. And even though he knew Jaejoong meant it as a promise that he wouldn’t judge him or deny their friendship because of him loving another man, one of their own members, it also meant there really was nothing else there. There never would be, and Changmin suddenly batted away the hand that was still resting against his lips.
“What do you mean nothing changes? We’re already...like this. It’s not us, hyung. And I hate it.” His words tumbled over themselves, rushing out in a plea to be heard and understood at last. “I made a mistake, and I didn’t mean what I said. That time.”
He was breathing heavily, shocked at his own words and the fact that he’d finally gotten it out, how easily it had slipped free. Even though it was only a small portion of the whole truth, at least it made Jaejoong smile at him. A smile that may have been just a little too readily bright, but Changmin was too happy to see it to notice.
“Of course I know that, Min. I know that you didn’t mean anything by it.” His arm snaked out to wrap around Changmin’s shoulder cordially, dragging him into a one armed hug as the other hand came up to ruffle the hair he’d only just before patted down into place.
Changmin sank easily against the other’s warm frame, the feel of the affectionate gesture sending instant sparkles tingling in his chest; the hand disheveling his hair in a way he once fought tooth and nail to avoid was now so incredibly welcome that he didn’t want the other to stop. The touches were an easy balm on the ache that threatened to seize hold of him at the way Jaejoong simply brushed it all off as if it were nothing. And he forced the sinking feeling away as he couldn't focus anymore over the feeling of being pressed so close to Jaejoong.
Because he was already distracted and totally taken in by Jaejoong's actions, even if they be an obvious attempt to make him cave in and forget all that had gone wrong between them. And he couldn’t believe the sound filling his ears was his own laughter, choking on giggles as Jaejoong finished destroying his hair only to playfully choke him in the crook of his arm.
His unique scent was filling his senses with a giddy happiness, an overwhelming relief, as he finally managed to pry the suffocating arm away, snatching the pillow in Jaejoong’s lap to use as a weapon. He only got a few solid whacks to Jaejoong’s head before the other was up and off the couch, running out of the range of his arms with his sweet laughter trailing in the air behind him.
Changmin followed, only too willing to comply to the shy beckon to play the way they hadn’t in much too many months. And he promised himself he would slowly bury the selfish desire to do so merely so he could feel Jaejoong’s skin on his, breaths caressing his face, and those soulful eyes full of mirth because of him, focused only on him. For now he would just enjoy being able to act like this again, and given enough time he hoped he would be able to see him only as a hyung.
Jaejoong turned mid-retreat and met him face on, surprising him out of his thoughts and tearing the pillow away to smash it into his face instead. Moments later and he was wrestled bodily to the floor, helplessly pumelled with the pillow as Jaejoong didn’t give him enough time to even breathe.
And they were both laughing, unable to stop the shameless display, but neither caring in the least. A good ten minutes later would find them breathless and flushed, slumped against each other as the stuffing from the busted pillow floated softly around them like snow.
Jaejoong lazily brushed some stuffing off his shoulder before cracking yet another smile and plucking some out from where it had lodged in Changmin's mess of hair.
Changmin felt the need for words had passed. He was more than satisfied with this, with the way Jaejoong had let him back in, and he fiercely clutched onto the fact that he still had a chance to at least keep this. And this time he would keep it forever.
And he didn’t care if it was too much too soon or that he should resist the urge lest he be unable to control it, but when he reached out a shaking hand to slip Jaejoong’s hand shyly into his own, the other responded by lacing their fingers together effortlessly. A gesture that set him floating away and sinking into everything that was Jaejoong.
Just like this for a little bit longer. Just like this and he had to believe that it would be enough.
**************
next chapter~~
Pairing(s): Everyone/Changmin
Length: Chaptered (8/?)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: drama, romance, angst
Summary: Someone’s writing Changmin love letters. How’s he supposed to identify his admirer when all four of his band mates seem like the one?
A/N: this chapter didn't originally exist, but got some lovely comments that changed my mind about where to take this, and thank you so much <3...that being said i hope this isn't just a boring waste of words TT *wail*
Previous Chapters:
one | two | three | four | five | six | seven
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By the time he got back to the studio, Yunho was almost done recording his part and Changmin couldn't help staring at him as he made his way over to sit in the open spot beside Junsu.
"Changmin-ah, what took you so long?" Junsu asked in a low voice. "What did Yunho want to talk about anyway?"
Changmin could feel both Jaejoong and Yoochun's eyes on him from the other side and he shifted uncomfortably, automatically biting his lips as he suddenly felt that Junsu was staring at them for a little too long.
"Nothing much important." He brushed it off, and thankfully Junsu let it drop.
Focusing his attention back on Yunho, Changmin felt oddly alone as he took in that face, now stoney and serious, a mask covering everything that he'd just found out...everything that he now knew. He could almost still feel those strong arms holding him in a phantom hug. A hot bruising kiss that made it hard to breath even just by remembering it.
His eyes stung as the words replayed mercilessly in his mind. This never happened...forgive me.
Once more lost in his own thoughts, Changmin didn't notice the way Jaejoong and Yoochun were having a fiercely whispered conversation, nor the way Junsu couldn't seem to keep from staring at Yoochun. He couldn’t see anything except for the way that Yunho was deliberately avoiding his eyes, ignoring him as if he didn't exist. He'd said he wouldn't do that. He’d said he wouldn't ignore him like the others. Why was he doing this? Running away.
The ache in his heart was now rivaling the ache in his head, and he'd never felt so relieved before to have the day come to an end. He followed after the others as they made their way out of the room. A hand on his elbow made him pause, turning around to find Junsu looking nervous, worrying his lower lip between his teeth.
Changmin just questioned him with his eyes, still feeling too upset to want to speak. After glancing around the room and looking furtively out the door to check that everyone had left and that they were alone, Junsu turned back to him and took in a large breath.
“It’s Yoochun.” He said in a rush without preamble, and Changmin could only blink at him stupidly. Yoochun, what? He didn’t respond, and Junsu seemed to squirm before him, licking his lips and only meeting his eyes after a few seconds of staring at the floor. “It’s not you.” He tried again, looking at Changmin with a guilty, sorry expression. As if asking him to stop making him have to explain, as if wanting him to fill in the rest of the blanks on his own. But Changmin had too many other things on his mind, most of which revolved around Yunho, and he didn’t want to play this guessing game.
Changmin frowned lightly. “What’s not me? What are you talking about, hyung?”
Junsu’s nervous, cautious expression instantly melted into one of resignation, and he rubbed one hand roughly over his face as if to try and hide it. His hand finally fell to hook around his other arm, giving himself an odd sort of half-hug as he looked back at Changmin with remorse in his eyes. “I should have told you from the beginning. It’s probably my fault that everything...became like this.”
He paused again as if waiting for Changmin to step in and say something. He didn’t, and Junsu let out a slow breath. “I...I always, since a long time ago...really liked, no, loved...still love...Yoochun.” His sentence had faded into a mere whisper by the time he finished speaking, and it circled slowly through Changmin’s mind as he took in the honest vulnerability sketched across his face.
He couldn’t help it. His first reaction was a mix of slightly bitter resentment. Then why did you treat me like that, he wanted to ask. But what right did he have to blame Junsu when it had been him kissing Yoochun...even while knowing full well that Yoochun only wanted Junsu. And here Junsu was saying he liked Yoochun in return, too.
“Why didn't you just say so?” He asked tiredly, something seeming to collapse upon itself within him as he searched Junsu’s eyes that held so many things he couldn’t read. He had always thought the other was straightforward and simple, but he really couldn’t understand. Had Junsu not realized how confused Changmin had been? Had he really not known that Changmin seriously considered that Junsu may love him? Junsu even knew about the letters and everything.
Junsu returned the stare, also seeming to study him in turn with those unreadable eyes. And then he was smiling. It was a sad smile, tinged with undeniable fondness, but his eyes were glinting with a sparkle of mirth. “Well, why haven’t you told Jaejoong-hyung, then?”
Changmin was efficiently lost for words. He didn’t have an answer ready nor could he even start to make up his mind on how he wanted to answer that. And the look on his face seemed to be enough for Junsu, for the other just shook his head with that same smile continuing to tug at the corner of his lips.
“Let’s go.” He said, patting Changmin’s arm affectionately as he turned to the door.
Changmin followed and they walked slowly down the hall. The silence between them hung heavily, both of them seeming to have unfinished words to say, unanswered questions along with the same frustration of just not knowing, the uncertainty that had made them both lose track of themselves along the way.
And Changmin couldn’t get the question out of his head. Why, really, had he not told Jaejoong? Did he even want to?
“Yoochun.” His eyes moved to Junsu, who wasn’t looking at him but the word was directed at him. “Do you think he really...loves me?”
He couldn’t suppress a smile at the almost childish way Junsu asked the question. Unsure and begging for validation. Junsu’s confession and the flickering reappearance of something he’d almost forgotten he used to identify as ‘Junsu’ in the depths of those recently clouded eyes, had released the faintest breeze within him that melted away the insecurities and questions, freeing a small path and making it that much easier to breathe.
“I’m positive.” He answered seriously, meeting Junsu’s eyes and they seemed to share more with that look alone than any of the words that were still left to be said could ever cover.
Junsu looked away again, but not before Changmin saw the unruly hope in his eyes, the way he bit the side of his lips.
They didn’t speak again and were then climbing into the awkward quiet of the van, moving to sit themselves in the back. Settling down beside each other, Changmin thought the way Junsu was looking at Yoochun was almost awkwardly blatant and obvious, but he didn’t think that was really a bad thing.
Not with how the man in question finally turned around to look at them from his seat in the front, causing Junsu to instantly look hurriedly away, missing the expression on Yoochun's face. But even heart sick as he was, Changmin saw it. The light that was back in Yoochun’s chocolate eyes, and more importantly, the undeniably loving way he stared at Junsu.
Changmin watched them silently, feeling a huge portion of him slowly relax when Junsu snuck a look back at Yoochun, all hesitation, a glitter of longing in his eyes. He felt so relieved that they would probably be okay, that things could be fixed even though he'd truly messed everything up so badly. They had to be happy especially if he himself couldn't be.
He wondered sadly if everything could really go back to how it was. Or at least if they could just get over this period, start over and forget that things had ever come to this. Maybe they could. If he accepted defeat and just gave up like Yunho obviously wanted...had already done.
Even if he could forget and bury all those days of reading letters, the fantasies and the unbearable longing...in the end could he really let go? Maybe he should give Yunho more credit, acknowledge his courage in choosing to stop because he didn't think he could do the same, even after all this.
And his eyes fell upon the dark hair just visible over the front seat. Maybe he could let go...if only that would make them go back to normal. Him and Jaejoong. Now that it had come to this, he felt that their friendship, their connection, whatever it was they had shared before was more important than his unrealistic idealized fantasies of love. He could give those up, they weren't real anyway. And it would be worth it.
Almost as if he could feel him staring, Jaejoong slowly turned his head, peering over his shoulder and catching Changmin's eyes directly.
They held each other's gaze as time stretched between them. Changmin lost all words, all thought, just existing for the sudden warmth that bled through his chest at the soft familiar sheen in those dark orbs.
As if he was forgiven...as if saying it was all okay. Even though Jaejoong could never know, would never know why. And Changmin suddenly couldn't bear it anymore, breaking the eye contact first as a familiar jolt through his heart sent tears into his eyes.
He didn't know if Jaejoong looked away or if he was still staring at him. So many feelings, so many words that needed to be said, that needed to be let go without ever being voiced, that were stifling him and strangling him as they stuck in his throat.
He wanted to let them out so badly, wanted to release himself from the pain. And he really didn't think Jaejoong could treat him any worse than he had been with or without confessing everything. If nothing changed he would at least be free from the internal torment.
He played with the idea for the rest of the ride home, or more like let it run rampantly from side to side in his head. He was distracted from his internal battle when they pulled up in front of the apartments and his hyungs got out of the car.
Changmin followed quickly, eyes following Jaejoong curiously as the oldest didn't make his way inside but rather started off down the street. No one stopped him and Changmin's heart sank a little as he watched him go. Maybe this was for the best. He'd just keep his mouth shut and forget. That was the only way he could even hope to get Jaejoong back by his side.
He turned around slowly to find that both Junsu and Yoochun still hadn't gone in. They were standing awkwardly in front of the main entrance, facing each other but with their eyes landing everywhere but on each other. Changmin stared at them for a long moment.
Above them the sky was a dim and darkening navy, twilight heavy around them and bringing with it a gentle reprieve from the heat of the day. The lighting somehow gave Changmin more courage as he felt it shielded and hid him, and he stepped forward hesitantly.
"Hyung..." They both turned to look at him quickly, and he faltered. His heart beat quickened despite himself as he came to stand between them in that space that was too large. "Can't we all...just go back to normal?" He whispered, now unable to look at either of them, focusing instead on the ground at his feet.
Yoochun reached for his hand first, wrapping cool fingers about his own, and Changmin looked up to meet eyes brimming with warm affection. Changmin didn't think he needed any more words to understand that everything was going to be okay, Yoochun's eyes told him so. And he wanted to believe in that, so badly.
"I'd love to..." Yoochun began, but trailed off as Junsu cleared his throat slightly. Changmin turned his eyes to him instead, surprised to find Junsu's face twisted once more in regret.
"I'm really sorry, Min." He said while taking Changmin's other hand, but Changmin just shook his head. He managed a small smile as he brought the two hands together, pressing Junsu's hand into Yoochun's with his own wrapped around both for a moment.
He saw the way both of them started, finally looking straight at each other as Changmin slowly let his own hands fall away. They didn't release each other and Changmin's smile grew then faltered.
Both seemed lost for words and Changmin realized how much he truly hated the feelings of awkwardness and uncomfortableness between them all. It was so painful, and he was sick of it.
"Please." His voice seemed to startle them again, and Changmin shifted his weight between his feet. "Forget everything that happened last night.” He almost choked on the words as they seemed to repeat within his head, an echo of Yunho’s voice. He shook the voice away; it was the right thing to say now. “Blame it on me. And just make up, okay?"
He couldn't meet their eyes even as he knew Yoochun was looking at him steadily, while Junsu said his name softly. He felt stupid and out of place here trying to push his hyungs together, but since he was the one who'd gotten between them in the first place, it was only his responsibility.
Trying to smile at them, he grabbed hold of their shoulders to push them gently in the direction of the apartment. For a moment, his eyes briefly met Yoochun's and the look in them made him satisfied that he was doing the right thing. As for Junsu, he wasn't taking his eyes off of his hand entwined with Yoochun's.
Yoochun took a single step towards their home before turning and walking the other way, leading Junsu behind him with a tug on his hand. "Don't wait up for us." He called over his shoulder and Changmin stood there silently watching them walk away. The air between them was still wrong, the space separating them still too far, but there in the middle was their joined hands and Changmin couldn't quite make sense of the sadness that filled him at the sight.
They were going to talk it out and take a chance. But it would turn out all right, he was almost sure of it. And when they came back, they would be back to how they'd always been...or would they? Would they now have a different light in their eyes? Would those friendly touches actually become something more?
He couldn't lie that he wasn't a bit jealous and disappointed, if not bitter. He wasn't ready to give up, but really had no choice any more. He must have just had everything wrong from the start, since the pair walking away from him were showing him how it was supposed to be. And he could only watch from the side.
Hanging his head, Changmin made his way through the apartment complex to the small park area in its center, quiet and deserted at this time of the evening.
Sitting down on a bench he looked up at all the warmly lit windows above him. Usually a sight that comforted him and made him think of family and home, tonight the lights made him feel cold and alone. He longed for the old warmth that had slowly seeped from their own shared home, and wondered which of the darkened windows above belonged to them.
Faintly, he could hear the sounds of people living. Voices and laughter from one side, a television playing, a baby crying and a girl singing. He'd become too narrow minded and focused on one thing that he'd lost contact with everything else, and sitting there just listening made his world slowly fade, widen and stretch.
Everything was okay. Life would go on, and he'd have to follow along with it. He didn't want to live like they had been anymore, and unbidden the memories of last night, of earlier in the afternoon...everything came flooding back vividly.
It should have made him happy finding out everything. Yunho embracing, kissing him. But he felt it had all gone horribly bad. Yunho's words were somehow all wrong. Something fragile and beautiful trashed and thrown away. This was not how it was supposed to end.
He wanted to give them a chance even if Yunho had given up. Because he had already decided to give up on Jaejoong, that he had to give up for Yunho's sake. And he thought he could do it since he did care about Yunho. He believed in Yunho's sincerity, so now he'd have to try and give something back, put in some of his own effort.
This was the right choice. It had to be. Otherwise nothing that had happened would make any sense. And he knew he was just trying to rationalize and persuade himself, even force his stubborn heart to change or at least open up part of it to someone else.
He stayed on the bench for a long time, trying over and over to convince himself that his decision was correct, and that he actually had the strength to do it. But it was harder than he thought to detach his emotions from all the stubborn memories that seemed to cling all the tighter the moment he tried to shove them away.
Jaejoong's bright smile. His bubbly laughter. The something that filled him up when he would look at him directly, smiling with his eyes. Those eyes, dark and expressive, soft glitters of affection, the way they lit up when they used to tease each other back and forth. The way he couldn't stop laughing when he'd gotten Changmin in a headlock, or wrestled him down only to tease him with the slaps and pokes that he’d come to label as something that was only and always just theirs.
There was more, too much more, and he dropped his head into his hands as they all felt so far away. Just memories of a different part of his life, a different him...and he'd never have guessed he'd wish to stay that way, return to that time. And he regretted it so much.
Finally getting too frustrated at himself and his lack of control, now unable to think of anything else except for Jaejoong, he got quickly to his feet, walking quickly towards the apartment. He had to get a hold of himself, had to get his head cleared. Had to forget, forget, forget.
All through the ride up the elevator, he couldn't stop the mantra going through his aching head. Sitting for so long outside and the cool of the nighttime air seemed to have clung to his clothes, chilling his skin and sending slight shivers along his body.
He wrapped his arms around himself as he walked down the hallway, on odd feeling settling in the pit of his stomach. He assumed it was just his reaction to watching Yoochun and Junsu walk off hand in hand, a burden finally lifted off his chest but leaving a different heavy weight in his heart.
The beeping of the door code seemed loud in the empty corridor, and as he pushed the door open to be met with a dark house. The chilled feeling tried to creep its way into his very core. He closed the door softly with a sigh, slipping off his shoes and feeling more lonely even than he'd felt just before outside.
He padded quietly through the rooms, each dark empty space that met his eyes further dampening what little courage he’d managed to gather on the way up. Yunho wasn’t there. No one was there. And he fought the urge to throw himself on his bed, curl up and sink into depression.
Where had Yunho gone? Why? And why weren’t the others back yet? He didn’t want to be alone with his deflated decision. If he couldn’t face him now, he wasn’t so sure he could manage to do it later. He had to wait for him to come back.
Feeling more and more hopeless, he quietly made his way across the living room, not quite sure what to do with himself. He stopped in front of the big windows, watching the gently flickering lights across the city, almost dancing like fireflies in the blackness. Here from this side, too, they were cold. A light he couldn't embrace, one gone from this very room.
He turned away from the sight sadly, halfway across the dark room before a sudden voice stopped him in his tracks.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
He froze. Jaejoong's tone was so soft and hesitant, and he almost wasn't sure he'd even heard it. He hadn’t seen anyone there a few minutes ago when he’d peeked into the room. Peering cautiously into the darkness to try and make out where his hyung was speaking from, all that met his searching eyes was blackness.
"H-hyung? I'm sorry, I didn’t know you were there." He spoke carefully, already trying to think of how he should excuse himself, feeling like Jaejoong must have mistook him for someone else, finding it hard to believe that the older would speak to him again so casually.
“Sit with me?” His voice floated through the darkness, disembodied, dream like. And Changmin’s heart thudded within his chest.
How could he deny such a request? He wanted it too much, and thought he should really turn away and avoid the situation that was already tugging at his heart. His eyes searched the darkness to finally land on the slightly blacker shadow that was Jaejoong sitting on the couch.
Despite his better judgement, despite the voice in his head telling him not to because he wouldn’t be able to walk away later if he didn’t do it now, he made his way quietly across the room. Each step and his heart rate increased with an odd sort of nerves.
Finally he was able to see him more clearly, curled up comfortably on the sofa with a cushion pillow wrapped in his arms. He was staring across the room to the window that Changmin had just left, and Changmin was temporarily mesmerized by the way a faint light reflected in his deep black eyes. Beautiful and alluring, making his breath catch, and he was overly aware that it was only just the two of them. He hesitated.
He didn’t trust himself to not take this situation to heart, to not be able to look back on it as merely sitting together with a friend and bandmate. No. He could only catalogue this as being alone in the dark with his secret love, and he knew that was going against everything he’d decided. He couldn’t do this to Yunho, and he had to admit that he still wasn’t ready, unable to face Jaejoong or situations like this without those now inappropriate thoughts parading through his head.
He had to turn away, needed more space and time. But Jaejoong didn’t seem to want to give him that, or even let him have so much as a choice. Fingers came out of no where to wrap around his wrist, tugging him easily down onto the couch.
Changmin’s breath caught at the touch and he could only be thankful yet disappointed at the same time that he’d fallen to sit far enough away so that their bodies weren’t quite touching. He knew he would do a poor job at hiding his feelings if he had.
As it was, Jaejoong’s hand on his lingered for a moment longer before he withdrew it, and to Changmin those mere seconds felt like everything he’d been missing and everything he couldn’t have.
It really was the right choice to let this one sided love go, because he wouldn’t be able to function around Jaejoong anymore, especially with anything close and intimate like this. And that wouldn’t work out because the five of them would always be together, closeknit and inseparable, and they needed that to succeed, to survive. He couldn’t mess it all up with single minded selfishness.
Jaejoong seemed to feel his nervousness, and had no reserves about telling him so. Changmin briefly wondered where the cold facade had gone, the unreachable Jaejoong who would avoid him at all costs, as suddenly and shockingly, his own hyung seemed to have come back, reappearing before him as if nothing had ever happened.
“Why are you so nervous? It’s just me.”
Changmin swallowed, weighing the options in his mind. Just you...that’s exactly why I’m nervous. His cheeks warmed up slightly as he really let himself take in their position, where he was and who he was with.
“Changmin-ah.” Jaejoong started again as the silence stretched on too long, and he felt guilty for the way his heart skipped in response to the low sweet tone of his name. “You were looking for Yunho, weren’t you?”
Caught off guard with the question, he felt his blush deepen and hoped it was too dark for Jaejoong to be able to see it. “I was just...do you know where he is?”
He couldn’t help himself, only too easily grasping on to the easy way out that Jaejoong had so unknowingly offered him. He wanted to take the attention off of himself as fast as possible.
“He was gone already by the time I got back.” Jaejoong answered calmly before turning away from the window at last so that he could look at Changmin instead. “But where have you been?”
He had caught Changmin staring and he quickly tried to look away, to pretend he hadn't been mesmerized even as he longed to look directly into the other's eyes. “Nowhere, really.”
He forced himself to stay still and calm, to not squirm under the scrutiny of Jaejoong’s eyes. He dropped his gaze from the dangerous perceptiveness of those eyes, staring instead at the way dark hair brushed against the whtie fabric of his shirt.
Jaejoong was silent for a while, watching him, and Changmin desperately wished somebody would come in and save him from the awkwardness of the moment. He really treasured every last minute they had together like this, but at the present it was proving to really be too much to handle.
So wrapped up in anxiousness and fluttering nerves, he was totally unprepared for the sudden sharp slap that landed on his arm. Flinching in surprise, he turned automatically, hand already whipping out without his intention to slap across Jaejoong’s shoulder in retaliation.
His mouth fell open at his natural response, at the undeniable smack of a strength driven blow, and he flushed even more as Jaejoong only chuckled, a small smile lighting his face.
“One touch...” Jaejoong whispered it as if it were something he shouldn't say, voice low and tight with unveiled emotion. And just like that, Changmin felt himself finally, unexplainably, relax.
His shoulders sank back into the softness of the couch as he too smiled lightly. Of all things...and he turned his head again to find with a swooping rush that he met Jaejoong’s eyes directly. A shared smile, the warmth and strength of cherished memories built together, and then he was shattering it, ruining it as his head began churning, full of so many things he wanted to say that he was rendered speechless.
And he wished the other really wouldn’t as Jaejoong reached over, fingers brushing his bangs back into place, tugging unruly hair to lie flat, then finishing by curling the longer strands behind one ear, fingers caressing and gently tracing the curve of his ear for a moment. He didn’t want Jaejoong to stop, wanted to memorize the feel of those hands, and the creep of heat up his neck was now one of abashed shame.
“You really haven’t been taking care of yourself very well.” A statement filled with admonishment, worry, and something near to reproach, and Changmin felt guilt rise easily. His own welfare had been the last thing on his mind, and he could still remember the way he’d wished so desperately that Jaejoong would baby him and take care of him instead. He could never explain something like that to anyone.
“I’m fine.” He protested weakly, greatly unnerved by the thought that Jaejoong probably knew better and could almost always guess at the truth squashed behind his denials.
Jaejoong looked him full in the face. “Yoochun says you’re...really not okay.” He hesitated a moment and it was enough to fill Changmin with an immediate jolt of irrational panic. What had Yoochun told him? Surely not about their...mistake? That story was only one of hurt to anyone involved. And it definitely couldn’t have been about...his letters, could it?
Changmin was already completely tense again, heart racing as he scrambled to think of believable explanations and excuses. He really, really didn’t want Jaejoong to know what they’d done. There was no way to hide it should he already know, and his mind went infuriatingly blank.
“What did he tell you?” The question was too obvious, defensive, giving him away, but Jaejoong shook his head.
“Nothing I couldn’t already see myself. You know you’re not good at hiding things, anyway. Everyone knows that.” A faint smile crossed his lips for a fleeting second before it was replaced once again by a serious expression. “I just...” He paused, hesitating a long moment as Changmin hung on his every word, fingers gripping the leather of the couch tightly. “I want you to feel safe with me when I tell you that...I see the way you look at him. And...I know what that look means.”
Nothing else he could have said would have shocked Changmin more, almost a pysical blow that took his breath away. No...he had it all wrong, but why did he sound so sure?
“You were trying to hide it from me on purpose, weren’t you?” His tone was so gentle and soft, as if afraid he’d drive him away. “Did you think I wouldn’t accept you? Or that I might look at you differently?” A ghost of a sigh. “I would always be on your side, Changmin-ah. No matter what people say, no matter who would point their fingers at you.” Changmin wished he would just stop talking, but at the same time didn’t want to miss a single word, having to hear it until the end to confirm the truth of what Jaejoong was telling him. “You don’t have to bear this burden alone...unless I make you uncomfortable. I just want you to know that I’m fine with it, and...want to support you.”
He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Finally Jaejoong was reaching out to him again, offering his warm accepting embrace while the words that came from his mouth were rubbing raw and painful. Here he was asking him to confide in him, lean on him, but only because he thought Changmin was in love with one of the others.
Why would he think that when it was only just today that he’d finally found out about Yunho? It didn’t make sense and he wanted to ask if Jaejoong was sure he hadn’t seen the way Changmin had watched Jaejoong himself. If he really couldn’t hide it like the other said, then it should have been clear. Even Junsu had seen it.
But, no. He was supposed to stop this, to forget. And Jaejoong getting it wrong and telling him he was fine with it was just one more indication he should put an end to this one sided obsession, one more reason why he had to suppress his feelings for good.
He still couldn’t form a reply, staring blankly back into Jaejoong’s hesitantly expectant face. Jaejoong shifted in his seat slightly, almost looking uncomfortable, and the look on his face didn’t make any sense. Changmin didn’t know what was wrong or what else lurked behind the pale facade, because Jaejoong looked so...sorry...regretful almost. And his words seemed to be a plea for Changmin to give him a chance to prove how good of a hyung he was, could still be.
“I don’t know what you’re talking-”
A finger pressed hastily to his lips stopped him mid-sentence as well as making his insides trip over themselves at the contact.
“It’s okay, Changmin-ah, you don’t have to say anything. Don’t worry, I don’t look at you any differently. Don't find it wrong, and...nothing will change between us because of it.”
The words stung, and the weak smile that Jaejoong gave him seemed so fake, and forced for some reason. And even though he knew Jaejoong meant it as a promise that he wouldn’t judge him or deny their friendship because of him loving another man, one of their own members, it also meant there really was nothing else there. There never would be, and Changmin suddenly batted away the hand that was still resting against his lips.
“What do you mean nothing changes? We’re already...like this. It’s not us, hyung. And I hate it.” His words tumbled over themselves, rushing out in a plea to be heard and understood at last. “I made a mistake, and I didn’t mean what I said. That time.”
He was breathing heavily, shocked at his own words and the fact that he’d finally gotten it out, how easily it had slipped free. Even though it was only a small portion of the whole truth, at least it made Jaejoong smile at him. A smile that may have been just a little too readily bright, but Changmin was too happy to see it to notice.
“Of course I know that, Min. I know that you didn’t mean anything by it.” His arm snaked out to wrap around Changmin’s shoulder cordially, dragging him into a one armed hug as the other hand came up to ruffle the hair he’d only just before patted down into place.
Changmin sank easily against the other’s warm frame, the feel of the affectionate gesture sending instant sparkles tingling in his chest; the hand disheveling his hair in a way he once fought tooth and nail to avoid was now so incredibly welcome that he didn’t want the other to stop. The touches were an easy balm on the ache that threatened to seize hold of him at the way Jaejoong simply brushed it all off as if it were nothing. And he forced the sinking feeling away as he couldn't focus anymore over the feeling of being pressed so close to Jaejoong.
Because he was already distracted and totally taken in by Jaejoong's actions, even if they be an obvious attempt to make him cave in and forget all that had gone wrong between them. And he couldn’t believe the sound filling his ears was his own laughter, choking on giggles as Jaejoong finished destroying his hair only to playfully choke him in the crook of his arm.
His unique scent was filling his senses with a giddy happiness, an overwhelming relief, as he finally managed to pry the suffocating arm away, snatching the pillow in Jaejoong’s lap to use as a weapon. He only got a few solid whacks to Jaejoong’s head before the other was up and off the couch, running out of the range of his arms with his sweet laughter trailing in the air behind him.
Changmin followed, only too willing to comply to the shy beckon to play the way they hadn’t in much too many months. And he promised himself he would slowly bury the selfish desire to do so merely so he could feel Jaejoong’s skin on his, breaths caressing his face, and those soulful eyes full of mirth because of him, focused only on him. For now he would just enjoy being able to act like this again, and given enough time he hoped he would be able to see him only as a hyung.
Jaejoong turned mid-retreat and met him face on, surprising him out of his thoughts and tearing the pillow away to smash it into his face instead. Moments later and he was wrestled bodily to the floor, helplessly pumelled with the pillow as Jaejoong didn’t give him enough time to even breathe.
And they were both laughing, unable to stop the shameless display, but neither caring in the least. A good ten minutes later would find them breathless and flushed, slumped against each other as the stuffing from the busted pillow floated softly around them like snow.
Jaejoong lazily brushed some stuffing off his shoulder before cracking yet another smile and plucking some out from where it had lodged in Changmin's mess of hair.
Changmin felt the need for words had passed. He was more than satisfied with this, with the way Jaejoong had let him back in, and he fiercely clutched onto the fact that he still had a chance to at least keep this. And this time he would keep it forever.
And he didn’t care if it was too much too soon or that he should resist the urge lest he be unable to control it, but when he reached out a shaking hand to slip Jaejoong’s hand shyly into his own, the other responded by lacing their fingers together effortlessly. A gesture that set him floating away and sinking into everything that was Jaejoong.
Just like this for a little bit longer. Just like this and he had to believe that it would be enough.
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next chapter~~