Trapped Dolphin (6/?)
Of course when he did pass out in the living room, and when he woke up in his bed, with Kakashi sitting next to him, he deduced that the jounin either carried him, or dragged him there. And by the lack of new bumps or small bruises that he was almost positive he would incur if Kakashi had decided to drag him around like a sack of potatoes, he deduced it was most likely the first option.
Now, Kakashi carrying him to his bed? That was weird. But not so surprising. Well, not as surprising as the next thing that happened.
He still couldn’t believe it.
Kakashi had removed his mask and *kissed* him. He closed his eyes, recalling what had happened.
~~~
“If you let me in, you’ll never have to be alone anymore.”
Iruka’s eyes shot wide open. The feeling of Kakashi’s warm lips on his-it was something totally foreign to him. And yet, as the jounin pressed his lips further onto his, a questioning tongue sliding lightly to touch his lips, begging for entrance, and as Iruka opened his mouth quite unsure, then feeling that tongue enter his mouth and worship it and coax his own tongue to life, and as Kakashi’s left arm snaked to rub the small of his back reassuringly while his other arm cupped the back of his head bringing them closer together, he felt himself slowly melt as the heat of the other man’s body mingled with the painful numbness inside of him.
Iruka closed his eyes and thought it was impossible to feel this warmth that Kakashi was bringing him. Slowly he began to respond to the jounin’s touch, to the jounin’s wonderful kiss. He finally gave in to the incessant coaxing and his tongue moved to touch Kakashi’s tongue. He let his muscles relax and mold his own body perfectly towards Kakashi’s. That warmth was something so incredible; he felt the need to have all of it - to feel the heat of the other man’s body all over his. For the first time in a long while… he felt like he had someone… he felt like he belonged… he felt like he wasn’t alone anymore. “I’m here, Iruka. I can help you. You don’t have to be alone,” the voice of this man resounded in his head. “If you let me in, you’ll never have to be alone anymore.”
“If I let him in… I’ll never be alone anymore…” Iruka repeated in his mind. Suddenly Iruka’s thoughts became a jumble of questions and doubts. Why was Kakashi doing this? What did he do to be honored with this? Did he deserve such a feeling? Why was Kakashi offering his warmth to him? Why was he offering to share with his pain? Why? What did he have to gain from this?
Iruka grew more and more confused by the moment. Kakashi… his kiss… his arms wrapped around his… everything made Iruka feel things he never felt before. It was just so good… ‘This is too good to be true,’ he thought. The realization made Iruka open his eyes as his doubts and fears threatened to boil over. ‘This can’t possibly be real… Who would want to be with me?’ he thought sorrowfully. He stopped kissing the older man back, and used his hands that were once slack to push Kakashi away from him.
Kakashi reluctantly broke their kiss. He moved his hands to rest at the sides of Iruka’s small waist. He noticed that Iruka’s face was flushed, like an embarrassed little kid, and he just looked so adorable. But, at the same time, his adorable face was etched with a look of defeat. “What’s wrong?” he asked, staring into those beautiful chocolate orbs.
“Why a-are you doing this, Kakashi-sensei?” Iruka asked, his voice faltering a bit.
“I don’t want to see you alone… Iruka,” he replied, his tone was sincere and for the first time, he realized he didn’t call him Iruka-sensei. Just Iruka.
It was beyond belief.
“Stop it, Kakashi-sensei,” Iruka said, pushing the man’s chest with a hand half-heartedly.
“Why do you want me to stop, Iruka? Tell me why, and I’ll stop,” Kakashi told him. He knew the younger man was confused
“I don’t need this,” Iruka replied, looking straight into Kakashi’s mismatched eyes in an effort to convince the jounin of his conviction. But as he felt he was being drawn into those beautiful, expressive eyes once again, he realized that he was the one who needed to be convinced. “Not this,” he said more firmly.
For a fleeting moment, Kakashi looked like his whole world was eroding around him. The image of his handsome face wearing that clear expression of hurt was like a kunai through Iruka’s heart. But that expression quickly faded into an almost impassive look that Iruka thought it was just a figment of his imagination. After all, why would Kakashi be hurt? Surely, he can’t possibly care for Iruka like he claimed, right? Iruka’s brows furrowed even more.
Kakashi relented and removed his hands from Iruka. By this time, Iruka didn’t know what to think, what to do. He braced himself when he sensed Kakashi was about to speak. Would Kakashi get angry? Would he take on a ‘holier than thou’ attitude and start lecturing him about not hurting himself? And what if he suddenly leaves and tells everyone of his secret?
“Why, Iruka?” was all Kakashi said.
Iruka’s eyes grew impossibly wide. He spoke in such a soft, solemn tone that Iruka thought could never have come from Kakashi’s mouth. He searched Kakashi’s face for that same look of hurt he saw not a moment ago, a sign that might just make him believe Kakashi’s sincerity.
It wasn’t there.
Instead, there was that same impassive expression on Kakashi’s face, a look most probably perfected from all his years of being a high level ninja. But then… those eyes. Iruka couldn’t comprehend what he was seeing. Despite that nonchalant look he wore, Kakashi’s eyes fearlessly showed his emotions, that same emotion of deep hurt from Iruka’s rejection, and something else. Dare he say, longing and desire?
“I-,” Iruka began before he choked at the sudden onslaught of emotions, and he couldn’t find the right words to say. Were there even right words for it? Kakashi’s offer of help sounded appealing… the kiss that came afterwards was infinitely better… he almost felt like Kakashi really cared for him… but was it all real? Iruka was sure he WANTED it to be real. He wanted the sincerity that he thought he heard in Kakashi’s voice to be real. He wanted it to be real so bad that it terrified him to think that all of it might just be fictitious, something his overly hopeful and currently overly hazed mind wanted him to believe.
There was a long silence. Iruka opened his mouth to speak several times, and found himself unable to utter a single sound. Once again, he found himself wishing he wasn’t so weak and useless. He was supposed to be a ninja! He was supposed to be able to think clearly in stressful situations. He was never supposed to let his emotions rule him.
Iruka had to mentally snort at that last thought. ‘Never supposed to let my emotions rule me huh? But that’s exactly what made me like this in the first place,’ he thought cynically.
He watched Kakashi just silently sitting there, staring back at him, waiting for whatever it is that Iruka was planning to say or do. Iruka was far from getting his thoughts and emotions in order, but somewhere at the back of his mind, he wished he could go back into Kakashi’s embrace and feel that soothing warmth once more. But he struggled to steel himself. He had already shown Kakashi just how weak he was, he could at least hold on to the last bit of strength he had in him at that moment.
“Just go, Kakashi-sensei,” Iruka said when he finally found his voice. “I don’t need this,” he repeated. Maybe if he said those words enough times, he might actually start believing them.
Kakashi’s expression was unreadable. He sat there, watching the conflicting emotions on the chuunin’s face.
“Please, Kakashi-sensei,” Iruka pleaded.
~~~
Iruka was startled out of his reverie by a paper shuriken that whooshed past his ear. He looked wide-eyed at his classroom filled with energetic tykes who, in turn, looked equally wide-eyed at him. “All right, who threw that?” he asked the class. They continued to stare innocently back at him, as if they were all perfect, little angels. Of course, Iruka knew no one would ever admit to anything, nor snitch on the guilty party.
The kids’ eyes went from wide to saucer-sized when their teacher suddenly started laughing. “What’s wrong with him?” asked Moegi.
“He’s probably on some kind of medication,” Konohamaru replied.
Iruka was still chuckling when he bent down to pick the paper shuriken from the floor. He sat back straight on his chair and brandished the shuriken with a wide grin on his face. “If you’re going to throw shurikens, try aiming them at more strategic points than your opponent’s ear, okay?” he said. He threw the paper weapon at Konohamaru who nearly toppled over his seat in an attempt to avoid it, however unsuccessfully. Said weapon hit the boy square on the chest with a weak ‘thump’. “I believe that’s yours, Konohamaru,” he continued.
“It’s not mine!” Konohamaru denied.
“Oh? Too bad, I was actually going to thank you for giving me an idea for an activity we could do today.”
“Huh? Really?” Konohamaru asked in a mixture of suspicion and confusion.
Iruka nodded. “Kids, what do you say we go out to the training grounds for a while?”
The whole class cheered, and before Iruka could even utter another sound, there was a flurry of colors and stomping little feet. In an instant, the classroom was deserted.
Iruka shook his head as he chuckled again. “Kids,” he muttered. “If there’s one thing that could make me forget about everything else… it would have to be those silly kids,” he said.
Kakashi sat on a tree branch not too far away from the ninja academy as he watched the little students seated around on the grass making paper shurikens with their sensei. He heard Iruka specifically instruct the kids NOT to throw the shurikens until he said so, but judging from all the paper weapons flying around, it looked like the kids’ short attention spans just got shorter.
‘He seems fine, like nothing happened at all,’ Kakashi thought. ‘But, he always seems fine.’ His gaze followed Iruka who moved a safe distance away from his charges and finally gave the go signal to the hyperactive kids. Lots of flying shurikens accompanied by shouting, laughing, and running ensued, with Iruka occasionally running after the rambunctious tykes as he shouted out warnings like ‘Hey, don’t wipe your snot on the shurikens!’, or ‘What the-? That’s an explosion tag!’ or ‘I said throw paper shurikens, not rocks!’. And after each little glitch in his new class activity was ironed out, he would chuckle and sit back down and just watch the kids do some ‘training’ contentedly.
Kakashi noticed that Iruka looked his happiest when he was with his students, whether they be those ninja academy brats (or devils, Kakashi couldn’t make a clear distinction) or the genins and a few chuunins he used to teach. He could tell he cared a great deal for all of them, and Kakashi understood that Iruka must be scared to lose any one of them. In fact, Kakashi thought that Iruka was quite similar to him, and yet quite different at the same time.
Kakashi understood all too well what it felt like to lose someone you cared about, which was why he refused to get close to another human being. That was why he wore a mask, sneaked around town all the time, and almost never socialized with anybody, just to avoid getting too attached to anyone else. But Iruka… he knew how painful it was to lose someone close to him, and yet he still cared for others, he still allowed each of his students a place in his heart. That, in itself, was dangerous, for every student he would lose, he would lose a part of his heart as well. The threat alone of losing a student would probably be terrifying for him.
But Iruka was a ninja. He shouldn’t be ruled by his emotions. He shouldn’t be terrified. But the truth was, every ninja still had moments when their feelings get the better of them, every ninja gets terrified even if they would never admit it, even Kakashi. Especially Kakashi. Heck, very much like Iruka, Kakashi had a lot of ghosts haunting him everywhere, in his thoughts and in his dreams. And while he busied himself with all kinds of hazardous missions, or spent his time torturing Team 7, and indulged himself in anything and everything Icha Icha Paradise, just to make those ghosts disappear even for a short while, Iruka on the other hand busied himself with teaching at the ninja academy, and indulged in a few moments alone in his apartment, hurting himself and making his arms bleed.
Yes. They were both very alike and very different at the same time. They share the same problems, yet they deal with them in polar opposite ways, neither of their solutions better than the other’s. Maybe with this knowledge in mind, Kakashi could find a way for both of them to solve their problems without further damaging each of their already unstable states of mind.
Looking up to the sky, and noticing that it was noon, Kakashi frowned and realized that he was already sufficiently late, meaning he was more than three hours late, for a meeting he had with his team of genins. Team 7 just arrived from their mission early that same day. He wanted to get them back on training. They’d been slacking off for the past few weeks. Maybe this could also distract his mind and give himself a few moments of peace.
“WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!” Naruto and Sakura yelled in unison the moment Kakashi decided to grace them with his presence. Sasuke just shrugged. “We just got from a mission and we’re tired and it’s hot out! I feel like a sun-dried tomato out here!” Naruto continued.
“What was it this time?” Sakura asked. “You had to rescue another cat from a tree?”
“No… it was a dog,” Kakashi replied.
“A dog? You didn’t rescue a dog up a tree. You’re lying!” Naruto said.
“Of course, he’s lying, dumb ass. Dogs can’t climb up trees,” Sasuke told Naruto.
Naruto frowned. “I’m not a dumb ass!!!” Naruto yelled at Sasuke. “And sure they can climb trees. Kakashi-sensei’s dogs climb trees,” Naruto argued, feeling quite proud that he proved Sasuke wrong.
“You’re a dumb ass alright. Kakashi-sensei has ninja dogs. If they can climb trees, then they can climb down too.”
And once again, Naruto came crashing down to reality. But before Naruto could offer another retort, if ever he did come up with one, Kakashi had stopped them. “No. No dog up a tree. I just had some problems with my dog,” he said.
“Ah, I see,” Naruto said understandingly. “It’s the fleas!” he said in realization. “Ack! You probably got fleas yourself!” he said taking a huge leap backwards.
Kakashi rolled his visible eye. “No. No fleas,” he corrected. “He got injured a while back, and ever since then, he became morose.”
“That’s just plain weird. You’re really lying to us again,” Naruto accused. “No way did your dog become a rose!” Naruto declared.
“MOROSE,” Sakura nearly yelled. “Depressed. Miserable. Gloomy. Down in the gutters. Get the picture?”
“Oh,” Naruto said. He turned back to Kakashi and uttered, “So what’s this gotta do with why you were late again?”
“I was thinking of ways to cheer him up all morning,” he explained.
“Hmm… maybe he’s like that ‘coz you’re not paying attention to him,” Naruto said.
“I doubt he’s doing that to get my attention.”
“Then how about getting him a female dog? She’ll surely take care of him, and he won’t feel bad anymore!” Sakura suggested, eyeing Sasuke, as if saying, “I’ll be *your* female dog if you want!” Sasuke just shrugged and once again, ignored the silent pleas for affection of the pink-haired girl.
“Or bring him some ramen! That sure cheers ME up,” Naruto suggested.
“That’s ‘coz your brain’s made out of noodles,” Sasuke muttered.
“And yours is just probably all soup,” Naruto snapped back, giving the other boy a death glare, and failing miserably for all that talk of ramen had reminded him of just how hungry he was. Suddenly, Naruto felt more determined to solve his sensei’s predicament, if only to get him to let them eat first. “Or friends!” he blurted out. “Bring him to his friends. They could spend some time together, play or do all sorts of stuff, keep him busy, and then he wouldn’t feel lonely anymore, right?”
Kakashi smiled under his mask although he showed no change in demeanor on the outside. Naruto unwittingly hit the mark once again. He’d voiced out exactly what Kakashi had in mind.
“Sure. Friends. Why didn’t I think of that?” Kakashi agreed, earning a smug look from Naruto. “But, enough about that,” Kakashi said as he pulled out his favorite orange book. “Tell me about your mission.”
“Mission? Why are you asking? You’ve never asked before,” Sakura said.
“Come on, I just wanna know, and after that, we could start your training,” Kakashi asked.
“Aww, training?” Naruto complained. “We just got back. Don’t we at least get to eat? And we’ve been waitin’ all this time. I haven’t even slept yet!”
“Whining again? Don’t tell me you’re tired already, dobe,” Sasuke said.
“I’m not tired! I can train all day! Heh, I bet I can even outlast you today,” Naruto said with a sneer.
“Oh, you’re on,” Sasuke said.
“That’s the spirit. So… who got more bad guys?”
“Hehe, of course I got more of them!” Naruto bragged.
“It was more like they got more of your clones,” Sasuke scoffed.
“Oh, and you go talk! All you did was show off!” Naruto retorted. “Ohhh…Look at me! I can change my eyes from black to red!” he said, mimicking Sasuke. “Now they’re red, oops, black -- “
“Come on, will you guys quit it?” Sakura said, trying to break off the two arguing boys.
This time, Kakashi showed his smile with his visible eye curving upward. He turned his attention back to his book, with the sounds of shouting and name-calling in the background. “Ahh… the comforting sounds of adolescents bickering. Just the kind of peace I need…” he said with a content sigh.
05 / 07