vicious circles
I really strive to be as healthy as I can be. Sometimes this means on a physical level. I try to eat well, to work out, and to get enough sleep. I still don't drink nearly enough water...but hey, I need to have goals for the future. Emotional health seems to be a more elusive striving. I've certainly made some wonderful steps over the years, and onesoul and I are quite good at helping each other in this arena. We teach one another and support one another and listen well. I feel though, that I am caught in a situation now that doesn't allow me to be healthy. Yes, yes...of course I can make some decisions in this. I feel so awfully conflicted though.
I guess I need to give some So, once upon a time...Erich and I met and became friends about 5 years ago. I was single at the time and was as usual trying to explore the kink I could bring into vanilla relationships. This never really worked though. Sooooo...when Erich and I were hanging out and he asked in passing whether I'd ever read the "Story of O" I was excited and intrigued. We were at a hockey game and oddly enough had a hard time focussing on the game after I confirmed that I'd read the novel and that I'd just picked it up again for the second time. Of course we decided that we should try a couple of things in a very platonic way and that we would take things slowly. Quite a joke really. Within two weeks, we began falling in love with one another. It is difficult when one is in this stage of a relationship to be logical in all things.
Erich is stuck with a crappy disease called Von Hippel Lindau. He's had over thirty CNS tumors removed over a 15 year period. When we got together, I knew about the disease and the surgeries and that both of these things had put him in a wheelchair a few years before. What I didn't realize is how it would feel to be by his side through 4 or 5 brain surgeries and spinal cord surgeries. I didn't know how all of these things would affect his sense of security within himself and within a relationship. I didn't know that by going through all of these things together that we would strengthen our bond again and again...and would ultimately lead to a history and feelings that are incomparable to any other.
He's been through an amazing amount of really tough stuff, and we've done some of it together.
Through most of this, we've also nurtured and grown within a magical BDSM relationship. When we play in public, people claim they can see the energy flow between us...that they can feel the currents. It is simply amazing, when it works.
The problem is that it doesn't always work. Yes, all relationships have an ebb and flow. Kinky ones perhaps to a greater extent. Folks don't always feel particularly dominant or submissive. Sometimes I want to be able to sit on the furniture and to not have to ask to use the bathroom. Of course. Erich and I seem to take these lapses to grand levels.
I am not perfect in any of what has been going on, I know this on an intellectual level. I just do not know how to handle things in a different manner.
He has been dealing with major depression lately. This is nothing new, the feelings and his subsequent withdrawal are an all too familiar thing. He has blatantly said that the withdrawal is meant to push me away. He wants to be left alone because he is worthless and is just taking up space and that he has nothing to offer me and wishes that I move on and find someone I deserve. Damn it! Can I not make my own decision in this!!
He is depressed. I know what this feels like. I know that I can blame him neither for the depression nor at least some of the behaviors that manifest.
He disappeared from my life for two weeks. When I tried to reach out to simply tell him that I love him and that I'm here for him, he responded coldly. We exchanged a number of emails (the only way in which he would communicate) that hurt feelings and were misinterpreted and were simply not a good way to communicate.
We met for coffee the other morning to renew a more healthy communication. I guess that I did not really give him an ultimatum, but I did tell him that this withdrawal is completely unacceptable. He understood. He promised that he would not do it again. We made a date for this evening. It took him about 24 hours to cancel this date. He ignored my email requesting a new day. He is going to attend the local dungeon party/show this Sunday only because he feels obligated to staff the play piercing station as he promised. He emailed this morning to ask whether I'd made arrangements to go with anyone else...and whether or not I'd attend with him. He is only going because he feels an obligation to the club and wasn't really asking about whether I'd go with him. He wanted to make sure that he'd not have to see me there with anyone else.
Relationships take work, but this can get excessive.
Someone recently pegged Erich as a high maintenance guy.
I don't know how long I can put up with this.
We need (at least) to take a real break from one another.
I love him with a depth I didn't know possible.
I wonder if love is enough.
I don't want to make any huge mistakes.
I consider ending it all.
I'm so tired of being hurt and confused and unsure of our future.
I guess I need to give some So, once upon a time...Erich and I met and became friends about 5 years ago. I was single at the time and was as usual trying to explore the kink I could bring into vanilla relationships. This never really worked though. Sooooo...when Erich and I were hanging out and he asked in passing whether I'd ever read the "Story of O" I was excited and intrigued. We were at a hockey game and oddly enough had a hard time focussing on the game after I confirmed that I'd read the novel and that I'd just picked it up again for the second time. Of course we decided that we should try a couple of things in a very platonic way and that we would take things slowly. Quite a joke really. Within two weeks, we began falling in love with one another. It is difficult when one is in this stage of a relationship to be logical in all things.
Erich is stuck with a crappy disease called Von Hippel Lindau. He's had over thirty CNS tumors removed over a 15 year period. When we got together, I knew about the disease and the surgeries and that both of these things had put him in a wheelchair a few years before. What I didn't realize is how it would feel to be by his side through 4 or 5 brain surgeries and spinal cord surgeries. I didn't know how all of these things would affect his sense of security within himself and within a relationship. I didn't know that by going through all of these things together that we would strengthen our bond again and again...and would ultimately lead to a history and feelings that are incomparable to any other.
He's been through an amazing amount of really tough stuff, and we've done some of it together.
Through most of this, we've also nurtured and grown within a magical BDSM relationship. When we play in public, people claim they can see the energy flow between us...that they can feel the currents. It is simply amazing, when it works.
The problem is that it doesn't always work. Yes, all relationships have an ebb and flow. Kinky ones perhaps to a greater extent. Folks don't always feel particularly dominant or submissive. Sometimes I want to be able to sit on the furniture and to not have to ask to use the bathroom. Of course. Erich and I seem to take these lapses to grand levels.
I am not perfect in any of what has been going on, I know this on an intellectual level. I just do not know how to handle things in a different manner.
He has been dealing with major depression lately. This is nothing new, the feelings and his subsequent withdrawal are an all too familiar thing. He has blatantly said that the withdrawal is meant to push me away. He wants to be left alone because he is worthless and is just taking up space and that he has nothing to offer me and wishes that I move on and find someone I deserve. Damn it! Can I not make my own decision in this!!
He is depressed. I know what this feels like. I know that I can blame him neither for the depression nor at least some of the behaviors that manifest.
He disappeared from my life for two weeks. When I tried to reach out to simply tell him that I love him and that I'm here for him, he responded coldly. We exchanged a number of emails (the only way in which he would communicate) that hurt feelings and were misinterpreted and were simply not a good way to communicate.
We met for coffee the other morning to renew a more healthy communication. I guess that I did not really give him an ultimatum, but I did tell him that this withdrawal is completely unacceptable. He understood. He promised that he would not do it again. We made a date for this evening. It took him about 24 hours to cancel this date. He ignored my email requesting a new day. He is going to attend the local dungeon party/show this Sunday only because he feels obligated to staff the play piercing station as he promised. He emailed this morning to ask whether I'd made arrangements to go with anyone else...and whether or not I'd attend with him. He is only going because he feels an obligation to the club and wasn't really asking about whether I'd go with him. He wanted to make sure that he'd not have to see me there with anyone else.
Relationships take work, but this can get excessive.
Someone recently pegged Erich as a high maintenance guy.
I don't know how long I can put up with this.
We need (at least) to take a real break from one another.
I love him with a depth I didn't know possible.
I wonder if love is enough.
I don't want to make any huge mistakes.
I consider ending it all.
I'm so tired of being hurt and confused and unsure of our future.