(no subject)
am I really that bad a person? have I really changed for the worse, forgotten my friends, and become less of a caring person? maybe.
I got into a huge fight with one of my closest friends a month or so ago. it was over Thanksgiving (the Canadian one). I guess it was one of those long-time-coming deals where at some point, someone was going to reach their breaking point. This time it wasn't me. And of course, as always, I was the one at fault, I was the one who wronged, and I was the one who changed. And worst of all, I was the one who didn't care anymore.
I don't know if I care anymore. I think I do but not like before. I am more selfish now and I don't have regrets saying that. I'm being selfish for being selfish. Why the fuck is it always about everyone else? I know I may come across as being confident and sometimes even a bit cocky but most people know I have a big heart and am almost likely to help anyone who wants my help. And I guess that's what's changed. I used to help anyone who needed my help and now I do my best for those who want it. If they don't want it, no sweat off my back. That's where I know I've changed. I stopped taking it personal if people don't need me. I now know that people don't need me and that's been easier to digest over the last year. At some point since I moved to Toronto, I started caring for myself. I always believed that I could come last so long as my efforts were put to making someone else feel better about their life. I don't care anymore. Why should I, right? No one cares to put all that fucking effort I put into them, into me. I don't want to come across sounding like a martyr because I'm definitely not one but I spent most of my life believing that my good actions would be rewarded. And they are, but not the way I thought they would be.
And worst of all, my disappointment came true. I'm a bad friend. There, I said it. I am actually a bad friend. I am great to make chit-chat with, I can even cheer you on for a minute. But at the end of the day, I am no ones best confidant, no ones best friend, and not the most loved or respected. Whoa whoa, reader, before you start rolling your eyes at me... hear me out, I'm not crying in self-pity here. I'm stating the facts. This is my self-actualizing process. I believed for years that if there was one thing I was good at in life, it was being a good friend. And so being a bad friend was almost devastating to me. I would doubt myself and get upset at myself that I could let someone else down. It was a bad thing... 2 years ago. Today I don't care. Today I try to be as good a friend I can but I don't believe I will ever be someones best and that's okay. I've lost the respect of those I respected much and I don't care anymore. Every good friendship I have, I know, I am doomed to disappoint. It's inevitable and that's okay. I've had to come to terms with that.
I had much ambition as a kid. I believe I could be anything. We all did as children. I believed I had a higher purpose in life. I'm sure most of us did. I believed that until Thanksgiving of this year. Thanksgiving of this year, when one of my most dearest friends told me in so many words that I'm a bad person, that's the day I realized how much I suck. And weeks later when that same person told me how poorly I've treated one of our other friends, I remembered again how much I suck. So if it means anything, I'm sorry Vista. My only apologies are that I suck and I have no right to be the bad friend I've been.
I've lost my reality check. if I was Parizad, that down-to-earth-type-of-chick, I am no longer that person. I've changed. Bnaifer was right, I really have changed. Has it been a good change? I don't know. some people like it, others don't. I seem happier, they say. Maybe I've become the happy cynic. I'm jaded in my job, I'm jaded with my friends, I'm jaded in my life overall. There are days I wake up and wonder why I'm waking up. I've lost most love for life in the way that used to make me wake up with a smile and that tacky can-do attitude. I've lost it. And I don't even care to bring it back. what's the point? I will never be able to change the world as optimistic as I sometimes want to be.
and what's sad about that is that as soon as I wrote that last line, my eyes are filled with tears.
I'm conflicted. I like my life overall. I'm generally happy. but in the context of others, I'm miserable. I hate being apathetic to others and I just am. I've been disappointed a hundred and one times and I'm just too tired to be disappointed anymore. that's fair to say, right? I'm allowed to feel tired right? I'm allowed to give up on the world, right?
sometimes I wish I was that great person that everyone wanted to know and like and everyone had respect for, no envy and no bad intentions. sometimes I wish Bnaifer respected me again. sometimes I wish I had spent more time on gaining peoples respect than their love or likeness. it's so hard for me to deal with it when my friends don't respect me. I've lost my best friends too many times.
sometimes I wish I were my best friends' best friend too.
I got into a huge fight with one of my closest friends a month or so ago. it was over Thanksgiving (the Canadian one). I guess it was one of those long-time-coming deals where at some point, someone was going to reach their breaking point. This time it wasn't me. And of course, as always, I was the one at fault, I was the one who wronged, and I was the one who changed. And worst of all, I was the one who didn't care anymore.
I don't know if I care anymore. I think I do but not like before. I am more selfish now and I don't have regrets saying that. I'm being selfish for being selfish. Why the fuck is it always about everyone else? I know I may come across as being confident and sometimes even a bit cocky but most people know I have a big heart and am almost likely to help anyone who wants my help. And I guess that's what's changed. I used to help anyone who needed my help and now I do my best for those who want it. If they don't want it, no sweat off my back. That's where I know I've changed. I stopped taking it personal if people don't need me. I now know that people don't need me and that's been easier to digest over the last year. At some point since I moved to Toronto, I started caring for myself. I always believed that I could come last so long as my efforts were put to making someone else feel better about their life. I don't care anymore. Why should I, right? No one cares to put all that fucking effort I put into them, into me. I don't want to come across sounding like a martyr because I'm definitely not one but I spent most of my life believing that my good actions would be rewarded. And they are, but not the way I thought they would be.
And worst of all, my disappointment came true. I'm a bad friend. There, I said it. I am actually a bad friend. I am great to make chit-chat with, I can even cheer you on for a minute. But at the end of the day, I am no ones best confidant, no ones best friend, and not the most loved or respected. Whoa whoa, reader, before you start rolling your eyes at me... hear me out, I'm not crying in self-pity here. I'm stating the facts. This is my self-actualizing process. I believed for years that if there was one thing I was good at in life, it was being a good friend. And so being a bad friend was almost devastating to me. I would doubt myself and get upset at myself that I could let someone else down. It was a bad thing... 2 years ago. Today I don't care. Today I try to be as good a friend I can but I don't believe I will ever be someones best and that's okay. I've lost the respect of those I respected much and I don't care anymore. Every good friendship I have, I know, I am doomed to disappoint. It's inevitable and that's okay. I've had to come to terms with that.
I had much ambition as a kid. I believe I could be anything. We all did as children. I believed I had a higher purpose in life. I'm sure most of us did. I believed that until Thanksgiving of this year. Thanksgiving of this year, when one of my most dearest friends told me in so many words that I'm a bad person, that's the day I realized how much I suck. And weeks later when that same person told me how poorly I've treated one of our other friends, I remembered again how much I suck. So if it means anything, I'm sorry Vista. My only apologies are that I suck and I have no right to be the bad friend I've been.
I've lost my reality check. if I was Parizad, that down-to-earth-type-of-chick, I am no longer that person. I've changed. Bnaifer was right, I really have changed. Has it been a good change? I don't know. some people like it, others don't. I seem happier, they say. Maybe I've become the happy cynic. I'm jaded in my job, I'm jaded with my friends, I'm jaded in my life overall. There are days I wake up and wonder why I'm waking up. I've lost most love for life in the way that used to make me wake up with a smile and that tacky can-do attitude. I've lost it. And I don't even care to bring it back. what's the point? I will never be able to change the world as optimistic as I sometimes want to be.
and what's sad about that is that as soon as I wrote that last line, my eyes are filled with tears.
I'm conflicted. I like my life overall. I'm generally happy. but in the context of others, I'm miserable. I hate being apathetic to others and I just am. I've been disappointed a hundred and one times and I'm just too tired to be disappointed anymore. that's fair to say, right? I'm allowed to feel tired right? I'm allowed to give up on the world, right?
sometimes I wish I was that great person that everyone wanted to know and like and everyone had respect for, no envy and no bad intentions. sometimes I wish Bnaifer respected me again. sometimes I wish I had spent more time on gaining peoples respect than their love or likeness. it's so hard for me to deal with it when my friends don't respect me. I've lost my best friends too many times.
sometimes I wish I were my best friends' best friend too.