Blue On Black: Part 7
LJ username: renegadeangelz
Title: Blue On Black
Story rating: NC-17
Pairings: Jared/Jensen, Jared/OMC (non-con)
Summary: Obsessive teachers, bi-curious love interests, and the general insanity of a downtown college experience. Nobody said art school would be easy. Jared just never expected it would be this hard.
Warnings: OCs, teacher sexually harassing a student; graphic non-con, angst, hurt/comfort, some language, mild art jargon, mentions of drug use, antidepressants (prozac), violence and blood, murder (no J2 death), vomiting, past relationship, slash- graphic sex between two men
The woman that greets them at the rape crisis center has long red hair and introduces herself as Dr. Danneel Harris. Then asks what she can do for them with a sympathetic smile.
“Um, I heard you had counseling available here?”
“That’s right.” Danneel points between Jared and Jensen. “So both of you were-?”
“No…I just…I saw it.”
“He stopped it.” Jared adds.
“Oh. Okay, well,” Danneel looks to Jared, “we are about to have a group therapy session if you’d like to sit in on that.” She informs. “We would want you to commit to attending at least four sessions before deciding whether or not group is for you. So, be aware of that before going into it.”
“I don’t really know your policy on this kind of thing but could he maybe do group therapy too?” Jared asks, gesturing to Jensen.
“We can ask the other members. If they’re not comfortable with it there’s also individual counseling or maybe even couples counseling if you’d prefer that.” Danneel nods at them. “I’m assuming you two are together?”
“Yeah.” Jared replies.
“Alright. Well if you follow me we’ll see about getting you two into group.”
Danneel leads them down the hall into a room where a group of people are sitting in chairs in a circle.
Jared’s surprised and pleasantly so at how willing the other survivors in group therapy are to accept Jensen into their session.
The session turns out to be more about problems that have come up since their rapes and ways are discussed on how to resolve the issues they’re facing.
It’s strangely comforting to Jared to know he’s not the only one that’s been having a problem with being touched, or feels like he’s stuck on autopilot.
The group meetings seem to help. Jared finds himself waking up some days and actually being able to smile.
He puts more of an effort into being affectionate with Jensen too. Even if it’s something as small as brushing a hand across Jensen’s shoulder, because Jensen needs it. He needs it as much as Jared struggles with it.
Jensen doesn’t say anything till the fifth meeting. When he does it’s like watching a crack appear in a dam, everything he’s been holding back coming out.
Jensen blames himself. He feels weak. He feels inadequate. There are days when he can’t see the point in getting up but he does anyway because he needs to be the strong one. He feels like he doesn’t have a right to feel this way because nothing happened to him.
All Jared can manage is to sit there and stare like he’s watching a flood destroy a small village; except the villagers are rising up to embrace the wave rather than retreating.
“You know there’s a reason people use the phrase like witnessing a rape to describe something horrible.” Amelia says softly. She’s gotten to a point where she’s thriving rather than just surviving but she still comes to each and every group meeting. “Frankly I think the term is thrown about a bit loosely considering how awful it actually is. Next to rape itself there’s nothing more horrible than watching someone be violated. Especially when it’s someone you love. Everything you’re feeling is normal.”
“You don’t have to be the strong one all the time.” Ben adds in and it’s the first piece of advice he’s ever contributed.
“And it’s definitely not your fault.” Joyce reminds. She always speaks so softly Jared has a hard time hearing her. “You put a stop to it. Who knows what could have happened if you hadn’t shown up.”
There are tears streaming down Jensen’s face. He’s crying too hard to get any more words out and Jared shifts his chair closer to Jensen’s so he can hug him.
“You do so much for me. You make sure I eat. You’re juggling three jobs just so I have someplace safe to live. I treat you like shit half the time and you still comfort me each and every time I’m upset. Exactly which part of that makes you inadequate?”
“The part where I break down like this.”
Jared presses his face into Jensen’s hair. “You’re allowed.”
The last week of February Jared finally tells Jensen everything that happened the night he was raped.
It doesn’t go at all the way the movies show it, with the victim being held close and crying softly while the man of her dreams strokes her hair. They sit at opposite ends of the couch and Jensen gets up towards the end of Jared’s story and throws up in the kitchen sink.
Chest aching after his confession Jared gets up and goes over to his boyfriend. He opens a cupboard and takes a glass down planning on getting Jensen some water.
“I almost killed myself Christmas day.” Jensen says from where he’s leaning over the kitchen sink.
The confession is sudden and shocking and the glass slips from Jared’s hand to shatter against the floor.
“I had a gun. I was gonna…”
Wide eyed Jared shakes his head back and forth not wanting to believe it.
“But I couldn’t…I couldn’t leave you alone.”
Jared catches his arms around Jensen’s middle, bracketing him because Jensen’s starting to sink to the floor like his legs can’t hold him anymore and there’s glass all over.
Jared brings up Jensen’s confession in group that night. He can’t not bring it up. It’s too upsetting to think he was that close to losing Jensen and he had no idea.
“I think you should consider looking into meeting one on one with a psychiatrist in conjunction with the group therapy.” Danneel suggests, looking at Jensen with concern. “Maybe think about going on antidepressants. I know that form of treatment didn’t work for Jared but you might have a different experience.”
Jared doesn’t even want to think about his short time on the anxiety pills and antidepressants. They hadn’t done anything other than make him feel agitated and sick.
“I have two jobs and the free lance photography clients.” Jensen says, throwing his arms open in frustration. “I don’t have time to meet with anyone else.”
“I’ll get a job.” Jared jumps in. Head filled with images of Jensen putting a bullet through his brain. God if that had happened… “You can quit one of your jobs then.”
“You sure?” Jensen asks.
Jared nods. “It’s about time I got one.”
Jared got a job with Barnes and Nobles stocking the shelves after two weeks of searching help wanted listings. It had been nerve wracking for Jared to go out by himself in search of employment, but well worth it.
Jensen was able to quit one of his jobs which meant he not only has time to get in to see a psychiatrist now but he’s getting more sleep and time to himself while Jared is out.
The psychiatrist had finally figured out the dosage on Jensen’s antidepressants which Jared is incredibly relieved over. Mainly because the Prozac smile-as Jared termed it-was really unsettling.
It’s a normal smile that greets him in the apartment hallway when Jared gets home from his fifth day of work, Jensen stepping out into the corridor to block the apartment entrance.
“Okay so, I have something to tell you before you come in.”
“What?” Jared starts, eyebrows shooting up in alarm and trying to peer around Jensen. “What’d you do?”
Jared smiles, sudden and full out when a large brown dog with floppy ears pokes its head around Jensen’s leg. “Puppy! Hi puppy!”
The dog goes into a full body wag at Jared’s high pitched adoration and wiggles its way forward into the hall as Jared goes down on his knees opening his arms to the dog who is all too happy to get a good petting.
“I was driving home and I saw an animal shelter and remembered what that girl, Amelia, in group said about how her dogs were such a comfort to her. I was just gonna look. You know, see if there was a dog I might want to bring you by to see.” Jensen explains like he’s worried Jared might be cross with him. “But he was there with his big brown eyes staring at me from inside the kennel and they were going to put him down this evening if he didn’t get adopted so-”
“Dude,” Jared cuts in, looking up at Jensen with a smile, “do I look upset?”
“You look happy.”
“Does he have a name?” Jared asks, looking up to Jensen as he scratches the dog behind the ears.
“Harley.”
The dog does turn out to be a great comfort.
Harley adores Jensen. His favorite thing to do is fall across Jensen’s lap when the man’s watching television and then roll onto his back for a belly rub.
It’s the type of unconditional companionship that Jared just can’t promise to give Jensen everyday. Jared’s just not there yet.
It is getting harder and harder for Jared to fall into a dark mood with the giant animal Jensen had brought into their lives insisting on prancing about the apartment on any given day like a miniature horse that had escaped its stable.
When one of them does slip into a particularly dark place Harley seems to sense it and will bring a toy over to them. Poking and prodding them with his stuffed animal of choice until they give in and start playing tug-o-war or fetch with him. Or he’ll simply curl up next to them offering silent companionship. He does that more often with Jensen than Jared. Jared tends to get badgered with the toys.
It’s a bit strange but the dog helps Jared get used to physical contact again.
Harley is a leaner. He will constantly lean into Jared’s leg. It seems to be a particularly favorite activity whenever Jared’s trying to wash dishes at the sink. The dog will just sit beside Jared pressing his warmth into the side of his leg with his tail whapping against the kitchen floor.
Jared can remember the exact day and time he first hugs Jensen because he wanted to, not because he felt like he had to. He knows the same information for the first time Jensen hugs him out off the blue and Jared doesn’t even think of pulling away.
The three of them start going on long walks together, Harley happily trotting along ahead of them on his leash as he investigates new smells.
Sometimes on the really good days Jared holds Jensen’s hand.
One night after group therapy the two of them are sitting on the couch watching Conan O’Brien and Jared finds himself leaning over and kissing Jensen. It feels good so Jared does it again, Jensen groaning and pushing him down against the sofa as he does.
“Wait, wait,” Jared starts, feeling Jensen’s hand shifting down to cup him through his jeans. “I can’t…I’m not ready for that yet.”
Jensen pulls his hand back and waits for Jared to say something more.
Jared turns his head against the throw pillow and sighs. “Can we just kiss for awhile?”
“Yeah.” Jensen says. Leaning in and kissing Jared softly on the mouth. “For as long as you want.”
May’s a good month. Jared likes May. It’s warm out and isn’t as rainy as April. Plus Jared’s feeling horny. It’s the first time Jared’s contemplated sex in, well, months. Now all he needs is his boyfriend and the resolve to go through with the act.
Jared walks into the bedroom to find Jensen lying on his side facing the wall, Harley’s head resting on his hip.
“He’s not s’posed to be on the bed.”
“I know, but look at this face,” Jensen coos, lifting the dog’s head and tilting it towards Jared. “How can you say no to this face?”
Harley smacks his lips and lets his tongue loll out the side of his mouth, panting hard.
Jared slinks across the mattress till he’s close enough to whisper in Jensen’s ear. “Get the dog outta the room.”
“Why?”
Jared starts pressing kisses against Jensen’s neck, taking comfort in the familiarity of Jensen’s skin. “‘Cause I don’t want him seeing what I’m gonna do to you.”
Jensen immediately shoos the dog from the room and lies back against the bed mouth quirking invitingly. “Now what exactly did you want to do to me?”
Jared straddles Jensen’s hips hands coming to rest on his shoulders. “I just wanna try something.”
Jared rocks down against Jensen, dry humping him through their jeans.
It feels good, cotton and denim chafing as the pleasure builds. Jensen whines beneath him, pushing his hips up into Jared. Begging him with his eyes for more, hungry and desperate for anything Jared will give him.
Jared could get off like this, or at least he could of if the image of Nathan smiling down at him hadn’t intruded into his thoughts. He thinks it’s the slide of Jensen’s jeans under his palms that pulls the memory up.
“W-what?” Jensen gasps, breathless. “Do you needa stop?”
“I’m sorry.” Jared apologizes rolling off of Jensen. He stares at the ceiling and drags his hands down his face feeling stymied and stupid.
“It’s okay.”
“No! No it’s not!” Jared shouts, thumping his fists against the bed. “Don’t you get it? This is always going to be a part of me. It’s never going to be okay.”
“You’ve come a long way Jared. We both have.”
Jared brushes a hand through his hair. “I know. But…at times like this it feels like nothing. And you’ve been so patient.”
“And I can keep being patient.”
“Yeah. Well I’m sick of being patient.”
“What do you want to do?”
“I wanna kill him!” Jared yells in aggravation.
“Nathan?”
“No the tooth fairy.” Jared snaps.
Jensen goes incredibly quiet for a moment. Deathly calm as he says, “You know. I do know where he lives.”
Slowly Jared turns his head to look at Jensen. “What are you saying?”
“All those workers at the crisis center are always talking about getting your power back. I’m saying that’s what we do. We get your power back.”
“By killing him?”
“I think about it all the time.” Jensen admits.
Jared swallows around the lump in his throat and thinks back to the dreams where he killed Nathan. The ones that left him shaking because he enjoyed it.
“It’s your choice.”
Jared lies still for a time just staring at the ceiling. It’s true they’ve both been doing better. Therapy has helped, but it’s slow, it hurts.
Jared wants to believe what Jensen is saying. That somehow killing Nathan will fix everything. Give him back his “power” as Jensen is calling it. When he compares the idea to the raw vulnerability he feels every time he talks about what happened all those months ago, it seems so much easier.
But could Jared actually do something like that? Could he really kill someone? He surprises himself with the answer.
“Tomorrow.” Jared says finally, softly, and something like excitement swells in his chest. “Let’s do it tomorrow.”
On To Part 8