(Untitled)
Beat oughta known somethin' was goin' to happen. He'd gotten too comfortable where he was, too content to let things jus' happen instead of worryin'. The reminder hit him like someone had thrown a brick at him, leavin' him to jus' stare numbly at the thing he found at the foot of his bed.
The pin was exactly how he remembered it. Hanekoma had done ( Read more... )
The pin was exactly how he remembered it. Hanekoma had done ( Read more... )
Even now, she just shook her head, finally moving, hand fumbling forward to rest atop one of his. She couldn't look down. She didn't know what he was holding or what it meant, but she'd know if he wanted her to and only then. "It's okay," she said, even though it clearly wasn't, even though she was suddenly terrified. "We'll be okay. This is - it's just what the island does." She'd found those things from Georgina and everything had come out alright. This would be the same. "I'm right here."
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"I shoulda told you earlier," he said, feelin' guilty 'bout that now, too. He'd kept everythin' bottled up so log that it all seemed overwhelmin' now, an' he knew that was his own doin'. "Back home, me an' Rhyme...we was dead, Serena, an' that was my fault. That jus' wasn't the end of it."
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"What?" she asked, finding her words again, as dull as they came out. "I don't - you're not -" She stopped herself, shook her head like that could make her thoughts come together clearly. She took in a gasp of a breath. "I don't understand."
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"Got in a fight with the folks that day," he said, quietly, bitin' his lip an' pausin' before he continued. "Ran out, like normal, an' Rhyme followed me, jus' like she always did. She always - always knew how to calm me down. Only this time -"
He trailed off, almost not wantin' to continue. It was replayin' in his mind, then, over an' over, like a loop he couldn't get out of.
"She hadn't seen the car, but I did. An' I tried to push her outta the way, but it was too late," he finished, voice gettin' to be only jus' above a whisper. "Think it got us on impact. We didn't go up to...I dunno, wherever you'd think you go when that kinda shit happened. That's where all the real bad stuff started, man."
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She gripped his hand all the more tightly, unable to stop shaking her head, like she could make it untrue just by insisting. It had worked for her before, time and time again. She needed it to work now. When her voice finally made its way past the lump in her throat, it was too weak, too high. "No," she said, "no, you - how - how is that not the real bad stuff?" She was on the verge of panic now, the truth of it setting in, unshakable.
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"It wasn't the end," he said, sighin'. This - this was the hard part to explain, 'cause even he didn't really know that much 'bout it. "Woke up a while later, an'...I guess I was a ghost? I dunno, man. Apparently me an' Rhyme were put in some kinda crazy game, where if we survived it, we could live again. Only that meant we were bein' hunted like animals, an' all the while, Rhyme ain't got no memory of me, neither. I didn't have it in me to tell her 'bout what she forgot."
That was, mostly, a lie. He hadn't told her 'cause he hadn't wanted to deal with it, didn't wanna see her look all clueless as he told her 'bout the life she was forgettin'. It was easier for him to act like they was friends an' that was it. He regretted the decision since then.
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He was dead. Rhyme was dead. She didn't know what she'd do, how she'd keep going, if Eric ever forgot, if Eric ever died. She'd never survive being hunted - like Ilse, maybe - but Beat was tougher than she was, so much more so, and he could have made it out. What did that mean if he disappeared? What did he go back to? She couldn't think about the car. She couldn't not think about it. He had died.
Her hands fell to her lap, then moved to him, arms wrapping around him as she leaned her head forward. There was, already, the prickling of tears, but she closed her eyes to fight them off. He'd dealt with enough as it was without all her stupid trivialities. "You got out," she murmured against his shoulder, voice rising into a question, no matter how much she wanted it to be true or for him to tell her that she was right, that it was all okay.
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"I dunno," he admitted, quietly, as he slid away enough to look at her. "It...it was rough. There were people - Reapers - they were doin' the huntin'. You get killed, you get erased. Me and Rhyme hadda do a buncha tasks so that didn't happen, so the game'd keep goin'. It was goin' aight for a while, an' Rhyme an' I even met up with another team an' kinda worked with them, but..."
He hadda trail off there, gain his bearin's. It was still replayin' in his head, over an' over, an' he almost felt sick to his stomach. It hadn't supposed to end that way.
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She kept her head turned down, not ready to meet his eyes yet. The last thing they both needed was for her to allow her panic to overtake her completely, and she didn't know if she could hold it together for long if she looked up now. "But something happened," she said, nearly a whisper.
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He knew he was makin' no sense. It was hard to say it outloud - probably was why he'd never talked about it before on the island. "I didn't see it but she did. All of a sudden, she jus' pushed me, an' I heard the roar, an' - it happened so fast, man. One minute she was there, next she was gone. Erased right in front of me, man, took the hit even when I woulda deserved it happenin' to me."
He couldn't even do nothin' afterwards, powerless both 'cause of the loss of a partner as well as his own emotions stunnin' him where he stood. Hanekoma hadda near drag him off for him to get movin', or her death woulda been in vain on top of everythin' else.
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Just the idea of it made her hurt for him. It was too easy to put herself in his place, at least in spirit. She'd always felt the same way about Eric, knowing that he was smarter and more sensible, guilty for letting him always protect her, for always letting him down. The memory of that phone call a year and a half before, the one that had brought her back from Connecticut with the news that Eric had tried to kill himself, was still painfully vivid. She didn't think she would have been able to go on if he'd succeeded. Reaching out, she took Beat's hand again, holding tight. "I'm so sorry," she murmured. "That's terrible."
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"I freaked out after it happened," he sighed, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand. "There was a guy - a guy who could see us - he helped me. Put what was left of Rhyme into this."
He held up the pin he was carryin', now. That it was there and definitely did not have her in it was somethin' he wasn't even close to ready to deal with jus' yet.
"I...all I wanted to do was to figure a way to bring her back. I woulda done anythin'," he said. He knew it was true, too, in the end, an' that was what always got to him. If he had been forced to choose between Phones an' his sister, he woulda done it. "So...so I went an' joined the people who killed her. Figured if anyone knew how to do it, they would. 'Course, I didn't think that through either, 'cause then they started wantin' me to do people in, too. I didn't - I couldn't - but I still ended up fightin' people who helped me because of it. I dunno how Phones ever forgave me, man."
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Maybe it was just that she hadn't been in his shoes, hadn't had to undergo all of it and so didn't know just what that entailed, but she was still sure of what she said. Thinking things through was all fine and good when there was time. When it came to saving a sibling's life, charging ahead was all that could be done. It was awful, it was, and she knew what it was to suffer the guilt of thoughtless choices, but his devotion to his sister only confirmed what she already knew - that he was good and loyal, whether or not he believed it. She knew how that part went, too.
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"She woulda been real mad at me for doin' it," he said, shoulders slumpin'. "I tried to make up for it, an' I was gettin' close to maybe findin' a way to help, 'till I came here. And now this place hadda send this."
He looked down at the pin again. There was still nothin' indicatin' it was special anymore. He didn't know if it was a sign of what happened in the end, or somethin' this place did. Either way, he found himself more frustrated than he had been in a long time.
"She might be gone for good, an' I'll never know," he finally murmured, jus' soundin' defeated now. "I mean, I messed up so much so far."
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Horrible as it was and selfish, she couldn't help herself, grateful for the same things that ate at him now. Without it, she might never have known him. Even if she couldn't blame him for that not being enough, it stung. She took a shaky breath, blinking back tears. There were things that couldn't ever be made better, and maybe the right thing to do would have been to stop pushing, trying to force him to be okay, but she couldn't bear seeing him hurt. "She loved you. No one gives that up for you to sit around and hate yourself."
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"I jus' wish I knew what went down back home," he sighed, leanin' into her, now. He finally lifted his head to look at her, feelin' another sharp twist of guilt seein' how upset she looked. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to tell her. It was his problem to deal with, not hers. He frowned, lookin' back down again. "...An' sorry, yo. For dumpin' this on you an' all."
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