Things That Would Enhance Existence (part 18 of an ungoing series)
Spray On Seasoning
How often have you poured the vinegar, shaken the salt, or passed the pepper-mill across your chips? Invariably, you tip on too little seasoning, through virtue of care and delicacy. So you're required to make a second pass. And now you've over done it, you cack handed fool. The flavour of your chips has now been drowned, dehydrated or demolished.
The solution? Your seasoning of choice, sprayed evenly in a fine mist, from a perfume-container style contraption. It's so simple, I wonder why the Sultans of Seasoning haven't marketed it already. I suspect foul play and underhand means.
Miniature Paris Hilton
The very epitome, idol and eviscerated model of moral emptiness; the American Dream pissed on and held up as art. Foam rubber effigies of everyone's favourite nightvision cockgobbler and over-large sunglass manikin. Reduced to keyring handy stress toy, relieve your frustration at being unable to get a table at The Ivy because it's been booked out for a 21st birthday party for braying chinnless media dahlings, despite the fact that you promised your fiancee a night to remember, by squeezing the fucking pulp out of it. SQUEEZE. SQUEEZE! SQUEEZE!!!
USB liposuction fob
Plug in to anus, download fat and cholesterol, and dump into our 800gig online Conspicuous Unused Nutrition Terminal (C.U.N.T) System. Not Windows XP compatible.
How often have you poured the vinegar, shaken the salt, or passed the pepper-mill across your chips? Invariably, you tip on too little seasoning, through virtue of care and delicacy. So you're required to make a second pass. And now you've over done it, you cack handed fool. The flavour of your chips has now been drowned, dehydrated or demolished.
The solution? Your seasoning of choice, sprayed evenly in a fine mist, from a perfume-container style contraption. It's so simple, I wonder why the Sultans of Seasoning haven't marketed it already. I suspect foul play and underhand means.
Miniature Paris Hilton
The very epitome, idol and eviscerated model of moral emptiness; the American Dream pissed on and held up as art. Foam rubber effigies of everyone's favourite nightvision cockgobbler and over-large sunglass manikin. Reduced to keyring handy stress toy, relieve your frustration at being unable to get a table at The Ivy because it's been booked out for a 21st birthday party for braying chinnless media dahlings, despite the fact that you promised your fiancee a night to remember, by squeezing the fucking pulp out of it. SQUEEZE. SQUEEZE! SQUEEZE!!!
USB liposuction fob
Plug in to anus, download fat and cholesterol, and dump into our 800gig online Conspicuous Unused Nutrition Terminal (C.U.N.T) System. Not Windows XP compatible.