(no subject)
It's strange to read back through this journal. In it's own way, it's a record of my swings and struggles.
Lately, I've been a bit more stable, but easily upset by the fact that I swing at all. It's hard to go through a few days of normal range of moods and then swing. Also frustrating is the milder set of these swings; they don't hit as desperately hard so I don't always realize they've started and this messes with my coping abilities which in turn lets them get out of hand.
I'm working, as best I can, to focus on things that are good and to pace myself so that I stop running myself into the ground when I swing manic. I feel good and push and push and push to get things done... and then my body gives out and I'm either manic and irritably in pain or depressed and hopelessly in pain.
I struggle most of all with the cyclical nature of my disorders, especially in my interactions with others. My 'sick' ebbs and flows and varies and most of all, will never actually end. I will never, ever stay 'better', and this is hard for me and everyone around me to cope with, especially when you think that everything you do is pointless because I just get sick again. I know that this throws people off. It throws ME off. I want to just be 'better' and done with it, but 'better' is temporary, just as 'sick' is limited.
Lately, I've been overdoing it a lot, and I mean a LOT. The weather is better, I hurt less physically, and I'm desperate to do things, help, prove that I'm not a burden and that I can do it BY MYSELF.
Instead, I just make myself sick again.
I know that this behavior is self defeating, but I just want, so badly, to not NEED help anymore.
Lately, I've been a bit more stable, but easily upset by the fact that I swing at all. It's hard to go through a few days of normal range of moods and then swing. Also frustrating is the milder set of these swings; they don't hit as desperately hard so I don't always realize they've started and this messes with my coping abilities which in turn lets them get out of hand.
I'm working, as best I can, to focus on things that are good and to pace myself so that I stop running myself into the ground when I swing manic. I feel good and push and push and push to get things done... and then my body gives out and I'm either manic and irritably in pain or depressed and hopelessly in pain.
I struggle most of all with the cyclical nature of my disorders, especially in my interactions with others. My 'sick' ebbs and flows and varies and most of all, will never actually end. I will never, ever stay 'better', and this is hard for me and everyone around me to cope with, especially when you think that everything you do is pointless because I just get sick again. I know that this throws people off. It throws ME off. I want to just be 'better' and done with it, but 'better' is temporary, just as 'sick' is limited.
Lately, I've been overdoing it a lot, and I mean a LOT. The weather is better, I hurt less physically, and I'm desperate to do things, help, prove that I'm not a burden and that I can do it BY MYSELF.
Instead, I just make myself sick again.
I know that this behavior is self defeating, but I just want, so badly, to not NEED help anymore.