(no subject)
I'm noticing a part of my personality I neither knew was there nor do I like. I get shy, and worry that what I say sounds stupid, so I don't say much at all. Around one certain person, anyway. I can't find my funny outgoing joking teasing self. I think I know why but that doesn't help fix it. I end up saying things I don't mean and acting indifferent. I'm sure I come across as uncaring, and boring, possibly dumb, but I can't seem to do anything about it. I just freeze. I don't know. After ten to twelve years of marriage, and everything that happened during that time, all the crazy stuff, I don't think any of that affected me anywhere near as much as the year n a half w Scott. I thought that was it. Our lifetime of happiness together. I was so idealistic, so in love. And that ended so badly. I can't even stand thinking about it. That whole thing is the one thing I regret in my life. It was a learning experience, but it's something I'd rather not have learned, because of that, now this. And even after all the bad stuff that happened in my marriage to Mike, if I ever needed something, he'd still be there for me. It's been proven. I'd do the same for him too. I'm still idealistic, I'm not bitter or cynical, definitely believe in love. I'm just..more...cautious... I had said, "We're having fun, enjoying each other, and I don't need to think any further than that." Well my brain isn't listening to me on that one. I think about it all the time lol! LET IT BE BRAIN LEAVE IT ALONE!! I wonder if I'll ever have the balls to say I Love You to someone again. Probably not. I can think it though :) I read a saying once, can't find it again though, wish I could. Said something like, Saying I love you first is like pulling the pin on a grenade...you better be prepared to run if.... and I forget the rest. Well, I really just want to take some time, see what happens, and if things/life gets in the way of... the things I'm not supposed to be thinking about lol...well, I'll still care about him and be there if he needs me. He's a sweetie, a good person..and I think I...uh yeah nevermind that right now. I had written most of this in a different, better worded way earlier on my phone, but it didn't post and I lost it. Stupid ass phone. Really pissed me off!!! So this is as close as I can get to what I wrote befoe, how I was feeling/feel still. In the words of Michelle Branch, "It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time..."