(no subject)
school's stupid. so i'm not going. the only reason i go is to get away from my parents but there both working today...i don't think i'm going to pass grade 11. but that really doesn't matter to me right now... nothing matters. nothing's fun anymore. ive had so many options to go up skiing, but it doesn't even interest me anymore. skiing used to be my favourite thing, now i don't even care. all i care about is being dead. things would be so much easier. in that i wouldn't have to fight htis depression. if i were dead i'd never have to hear my parents fighting again. i hate listening to them fighting, i can't drown it out even with loud music i can hear it and it bugs me so much, i just go and hid in my bed and play music really loud, but it still bugs me becasue i know its happening. i was listening to try and see what they were fighting about, i couldn't figure it out but the thing that stopped them from fighting was blaming it all on me and what are they going to do with me etc... face it, they'd be happier if i were dead. i cant' stand them. i'm feel so crappy right now...i'm crying. have you ever seen me cry...i don't think so, thats how bad it hurts. i don't even know where it hurts all i cna tell is that it hurts deep inside, i have a big lump in my trout (sp?) i just want out, i'm tired of feeling this way. its been long enough. i can't fight it anymore, its swallowing me drowning me..taking over me. i'm going to have to give in. i'm not even passing grade 11. but i don't care right now, cause i'll be dead and it won't matter. my parents will be happy. and they think i'm doing this all for attention, so in a way, i want to show them that i was fucking serious and they shouldn't have been so awful to me. i don't get how they cna be so mean to me and so nice to my sister, i guess its because she's a prep and is jsut like everyone else, and gets good marks swims and doesn't cause any problems. i don't cause problems either, but my parents liek to tell me and think i do. i was really hurting last ngiht so i cut deep, and i coulnd't even feel it so i coldn't get any relef. damn this life, its too hard, i'm giving up. i'll last through today and then give up late tongiht, when no one can stop me. no one can help me. it sucks, i'm stuck here all alone.
-renee
-renee