A Companion's Guide
Story Notes: Hmmm...well, it's not really a story. In fact, it's just a bit of fluff that I toyed around with a long time ago (because I'd really, really love to have Spike for my very own ;~D) and never thought I'd post. Passing references made to various incidents throughout the 'verse timeline.
A/N: This has been sitting on my hard drive for a very long time and I've been hesitant to do anything with it as it could be taken in a light not even remotely intended by this author, but I haven't really been writing or posting much of anything lately, so I thought I'd at least throw it out and see if anyone else has as warped a sense of humor as I do. This is just me playing around and being silly- odd things amuse me, I can't help it- and is not intended to offend. Unbeta-ed, as per usual.
*P.S. The web address at the bottom is completely made up by me and, the last time I checked, not an actual live site of any kind.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Not gonna be mine. Not making a profit here either.
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Congratulations! You are now the proud companion of an undead, ensouled, demon-infected vampire.
Please note: Your ensouled vampire is of the undead, demon-infected variety. Instructions on the care and feeding of any other type(s) of vampire(s), ensouled or otherwise, should not be used when dealing with this model.
Important Safety Rules
Read, understand and follow all instructions carefully before uncrating and unchaining this model. Failure to follow all product, package and package insert safety and care instructions could result in severe loss of blood, disfigurement, loss of limb, other serious injury, death or undeath.
Warning
* To reduce the risk of injury and/or emotional and mental scarring (to either party), do not permit children to taunt, pet or otherwise engage this product until both parties have been deemed fully domesticated. Your ensouled vampire, though territorial and very protective (especially of those of the opposite sex), is not a babysitter and should not be used as such.
* Do not attempt to de-ensoul this product. Contact a registered, qualified magic practitioner immediately if you cannot verify that your vampire is still ensouled. Please remember to keep a fully stocked supply of holy water, crosses and wooden stakes handy in the event that this (purely hypothetical) situation cannot be resolved by other means.
* The undead, ensouled, demon-infected vampire version 2.0 should never be put into close contact with the beta version of this model- you, your home, your sanity and one or both of the vampires may not survive the encounter and/or, in some cases, they may begin to engage in activities of a sexually suggestive nature. At no time should you attempt to induce this last type of activity as property damage, damage to one or both vampires and/or mental scarring to all parties involved may result.
* The addition of human blood to your ensouled vampire’s food supply is strictly prohibited- no matter how much it complains about the taste of animal blood.
* Never expose your vampire companion to fire or direct sunlight as it is extremely flammable. Failure to comply with this warning will void your warranty and the 30 day return policy.
* Do not allow your vampire to “procreate” as the resultant progeny will be soulless and initially feral and you may be held liable, according to your state’s specific laws, for fines and penalties and/or a term of incarceration.
Failure to follow these warnings may result in property damage, increased aggression in the aforementioned vampire, maiming, mental scarring, other serious injury, death or undeath.
The product warnings, instructions and safety rules provided with your model represent some common risks and do not cover all instances of risk and danger. Please use common sense and good judgment when enjoying any ensouled vampire-related activity.
Content Reference
Before proceeding, please take a moment to check the contents of the shipping crate.
1. One ensouled vampire- chained.
2. One black t-shirt- small.
3. One pair of black denim jeans- tight.
4. One pair of Doc Martens- well-used.
5. One Styrofoam cooler containing a one week supply of chilled, individually packaged pig’s blood.
6. One sample-sized bottle of Jack Daniels.
7. One ornate silver Zippo lighter.
8. One bent, half-package of short, full flavor generic cigarettes.
When ordering additional or replacement accessories, be sure to quote the type and version of your vampire companion.
Set Up Instructions
1. Please ensure that you have a strongly reinforced room in which to house your vampire before uncrating. Basements with no direct outside egress seem to be preferred by most owners of this model.
2. Access to direct sunlight is not encouraged; however, a small window can provide your vampire with many hours of enjoyment and may help relieve boredom and/or anxiety. *Necro-coating may be purchased separately for added comfort.
3. The type of vampire you have chosen will neither require nor appreciate the use of a coffin and will need an actual bed. *Custom fitted chains, handcuffs and/or shackles may be purchased separately at your discretion.
4. If possible, the addition of a small refrigerator stocked with “treats” (Please see the section entitled Care & Feeding.) to its environment will go a long way toward making your vampire feel wanted and appreciated.
5. A television (with or without cable) is a must.
Please note: The above instructions are basic set up instructions and additional amenities may be desired for added comfort.
Care & Feeding
1. The type of vampire you are now the proud companion of will need nourishment on a daily/nightly basis. Failure to properly feed your vampire may increase aggressive behavior and lead to serious injury and/or death- yours and others.
2. Do not attempt to consistently feed this model anything other than animal blood. Otter seems to be preferred among most models, but any type of animal blood will do.
3. Do not attempt to have your vampire catch its own food- your neighbor’s pets, your neighbors and/or your neighbor’s grieving families will not thank you.
4. As previously mentioned, “treats” may be given and will be appreciated. Some examples are: burba weed or hot sauce to spice its food supply, fried human foods (especially “blooming onions”), hot chocolate or coco (mini-marshmallows are optional) and moderate amounts of alcohol.
5. Black is the preferred clothing color for this model; however, dark blues and reds are also met with approval. Do not attempt to clothe your vampire in Hawaiian-print shirts as this may induce derisive looks, snarking, pouting and, in extreme cases, attempted self-staking. *A black leather duster and/or any style and type of underwear are optional and may be purchased separately.
6. Bathing of your ensouled vampire is essential to its health and well being, and can be an activity that you both enjoy. At no time should you attempt to house or chain this model within your own, or anyone else’s, bathroom as this may result in property damage, snarking and/or death threats. (Please see housing instructions in the above section entitled Set Up Instructions.)
7. Grooming products are optional, but recommended. This model seems to prefer peroxide or other hair bleaching agents, fingernail polish in shades of black or “dried blood”, industrial strength hair gel and black eyeliner.
8. Your vampire enjoys adorning itself with silver- rings, belt buckles, etc- and you are encouraged to indulge it in this matter, within reason. At no time should you allow anyone else, most specifically the beta version of this model, to “gift” your vampire with jewelry, especially large, tacky necklaces of the Liz Taylor Collection variety.
9. This model is very energetic and devious and should not be kept confined alone in its room for long periods of time as this may result in severe boredom which in turn may result in your vampire companion doing Very Bad Things.
10. Taking your vampire for moonlight strolls, especially through nearby cemeteries, is recommended as long as caution for your own well being is taken into consideration. Please use common sense and good judgment before attempting to walk through your neighborhood cemetery at night.
11. Your ensouled vampire is, first and foremost, a predator and will attempt to engage in predatory behavior including, but not limited to: taunting, snarking, stalking, fighting and biting. Channeling these tendencies into more constructive activities can be pleasurable for you both.
12. Showering your vampire with affection and attention will elicit a very positive, if somewhat surprised, reaction and will add to its overall health and mental well being.
13. Your vampire is very territorial and will not react well to the presence or smell of either humans or other ensouled vampires, especially the beta version of this model, of the same sex. Limited contact is recommended for the health of both parties and for your own mental well being.
Trouble Shooting Guide
Trouble -- Check -- Possible Solutions
Bodily damage- Presence of beta version, demons or demon hunters- Remove offending presence(s) immediately, increase food supply and limit activity until completely healed.
Inferiority complex- Presence of beta version and/or past romantic entanglements of it or yourself- Remove offending presence(s) immediately and engage in activities designed to reassure your vampire of your affections and its own worth.
Refusal to feed- Food supply has not “gone bad” and/or food has been warmed- Replace food supply and remember to keep chilled until just before use when it should be warmed to 98 degrees.
Talking to invisible people- Presence of evil, non-corporeal entities and/or actual invisible people- Please contact the service center for instructional walk-through.
Limited Warranty
Version 2.0 of the undead, ensouled, demon-infected vampire has been procured using the highest quality materials and magical workmanship. All models have been inspected and found free of physical defects prior to leaving the factory- mental and/or personality defects not to be covered under this warranty. This Limited Warranty applies to version 2.0 of the undead, ensouled, demon-infected vampire only for one (1) year from the date of purchase.
The provisions of this Limited Warranty apply only to the original purchaser and is not transferable. This Limited Warranty is valid for one (1) year from the date of original retail purchase. Keep your original sales receipt with this manual, as proof of purchase will be required and must accompany warranty claims or the Limited Warranty is invalid.
If a manufacturing defect- excluding any and all personality and/or mental defects- is found within this one (1) year period, please contact the service center listed in this manual. The service center will determine the validity of the claim. If the service center directs you to return the model, please carefully package the product and send with shipping and insurance prepaid to the service center. Upon receipt, the service center will inspect the undead, ensouled, demon-infected vampire and determine the validity of the claim. If the provisions of this warranty are covered, the undead, ensouled, demon-infected vampire will be repaired or replaced at no charge.
Any and all disputes regarding the provisions of this Limited Warranty shall be brought before an informal dispute settlement board and unless and until the provisions of these paragraphs are carried forth, no civil action may be instituted.
This Limited Warranty does not apply if version 2.0 of the undead, ensouled, demon-infected vampire is subject to negligence, abnormal or improper use, accident, or purchase by any of the following: any and all registered or acknowledged Vampire Slayer(s); a member, their authorized agents or employees of the International Council of Watchers; a member, their authorized agents or employees of any and all government military agencies and/or organizations; a member, their authorized agents or employees of any branch in any dimension of Wolfram & Hart, Attorneys at Law; any and all relatives of former victims of the undead, ensouled, demon-infected vampire before it was procured and ensouled; any person or persons living within twenty (20) miles of a convergence of mystical energies (hellmouth). This Limited Warranty applies only to those parts and components sold by this company. The Limited Warranty does not cover alterations, repairs, dis-corporealization or lethal dusting by anyone other than service center personnel.
For answers to most frequently asked questions, please visit: www.yourvampire.org