Father's Day
so, today is father's day. surprisingly, it brought my attention to my blood father and made me angry. aulden doesn't count, because he has never been a dad, and it was my mother's choice to marry him. fine, i respect that, and i don't hate him (most of the time), so okay. but father's day... i don't have a father to celebrate. i mean, my father did not send me a birthday anything, or a graduation 'hey, i'm happy for you', nothing. because i didn't send the graduation card soon enough. what the hell is that? even his monetary value has bottomed, cause he can't give me money for college or even a signature for some gov. financial help. you know what? fuck him. i'm pissed.
however, my icon tonight brings me some happiness. cause i love spock's bitchface, and i'm pretty sure that his expression matches mine right now.
even while at work, stephan and i were talking about last names, and i said i wanted to change mine and he asked why, he likes it. cause its my fathers name, and i don't want that connection. he said oh, sorry, and i guess i must have put a little more venom into my tone than i meant cause he really meant it. i didn't realize how much i actually would like a father figure, or a guy in general that i can rely on. not that i don't think guys are reliable, just i haven't found a father-figure one yet. i have guy friends who are more reliable than i am, so i can't complain in that department.
i will really miss them. everyone. my friends. i will be leaving for the mainland, CA, in 5 weeks. that is amazing. i will be living with someone i don't know, and i will be on my own. i think i would like a parter, not romantic, girl or guy. just someone i am with all the time, who supports me, who i can support, etc etc. or maybe even two people. i want to feel safe with them.
god, i sound... bitchy. well, but ok. anyway.
i have been reading some great work lately, and this brings much happiness to me.
and, zachary quinto omg. i am liking him more and more. i would choose him over gackt, and that is saying something.
i woke up this morning with the best feeling of pleased satisfaction. it was peculiar.
...he has infiltrated my fantasies.
however, my icon tonight brings me some happiness. cause i love spock's bitchface, and i'm pretty sure that his expression matches mine right now.
even while at work, stephan and i were talking about last names, and i said i wanted to change mine and he asked why, he likes it. cause its my fathers name, and i don't want that connection. he said oh, sorry, and i guess i must have put a little more venom into my tone than i meant cause he really meant it. i didn't realize how much i actually would like a father figure, or a guy in general that i can rely on. not that i don't think guys are reliable, just i haven't found a father-figure one yet. i have guy friends who are more reliable than i am, so i can't complain in that department.
i will really miss them. everyone. my friends. i will be leaving for the mainland, CA, in 5 weeks. that is amazing. i will be living with someone i don't know, and i will be on my own. i think i would like a parter, not romantic, girl or guy. just someone i am with all the time, who supports me, who i can support, etc etc. or maybe even two people. i want to feel safe with them.
god, i sound... bitchy. well, but ok. anyway.
i have been reading some great work lately, and this brings much happiness to me.
and, zachary quinto omg. i am liking him more and more. i would choose him over gackt, and that is saying something.
i woke up this morning with the best feeling of pleased satisfaction. it was peculiar.
...he has infiltrated my fantasies.