thoughts
I really haven't talked much about the miscarriage since it happened. I'm not depressed or sad at the moment, key word is at the moment; I'm just contemplative. Some of you never had this happen to you, some of you will never have this happen, some of you may have had this happen to you and your wife or know someone who has had one. I want to tell you what it's like from my point of view.
Ok imagine you have a wife who tells you she is pregnant. You like this idea; the idea of being a father is one that you have looked forward to. The baby isn't an accident but you weren't trying but you weren't not not trying. So she gives you the news. You are happy. You get it confirmed with the doctor and you tell both sets of parents who are happy. For her side, this is the first grandchild. For my side its the 3rd, but first for me. You are so happy you get to tell everyone. Friends, online friends, neighbors, family. Everyone is so happy. You feel like your on cloud nine.
Next you get to look through and plan for the baby. We don't know the gender but we call the baby "Punkinhead" or "Punkin". Now you already started planning out the room design if the baby is a girl or boy. Can do a neutral them. You go on sites like Thinkgeek.com and other fun sites for cool baby stuff. You start thinking about life lessons you will teach them. You start thinking how you will influence them, how the arts will be introduced to them from the start. How you will disapline and how you handle certain possiblities in life. If they are gay, or straight, if they like football if they like dolls etc.
Then the time comes and you get to go see the baby's heart beat. You get to see the life you created on a screen live. The doctors tell you it has a slow heartbeat, but its nothing to worry about.
Now imagine 24 hours later the world that you were planning, imagining, the hopes and dreams for this child suddenly vanish. The joy that brought your wife so much joy now only brings her sorrow and deep depression. How nothing you can say matters to her. Nothing you can do will make it better. There is absolutely nothing you can do other than love her, but even then it won't bring the child back. How it felt for me to be in the waiting room while she was in the bathroom and the baby came out of her in the toilet. How it traumatized her. Coming home and now having to tell everyone the baby is gone. How no one knows how to react. Some say sorry and give hugs. Others say "it wasn't in God's plan" or "just wasn't meant to be".
Now you go on day after day where every little thing reminds you of it. A baby on tv. Getting mail about being a mommy. Seeing friends who are pregnant at the same time as you were progress while you have nothing. Where your wife becomes bitter toward them because of it. Because she wasn't allowed to keep hers. How your wife constantly blames herself even if there is no rational reason for it. How ever though we were told the baby was just sick and quite possible didn't have the chromosomes linked up right.
This goes on for months. Then little at a time you slowly get to see your wife again out of the darkness. Fewer crying fits. Every so often they come. I find myself getting angry about it or sad and depressed. July 1-3 will be hard days because that was the due date. November 18 will be a hard day cause that's when it happened.
But we haven't given up. we will be mommy and daddy one day.
Ok imagine you have a wife who tells you she is pregnant. You like this idea; the idea of being a father is one that you have looked forward to. The baby isn't an accident but you weren't trying but you weren't not not trying. So she gives you the news. You are happy. You get it confirmed with the doctor and you tell both sets of parents who are happy. For her side, this is the first grandchild. For my side its the 3rd, but first for me. You are so happy you get to tell everyone. Friends, online friends, neighbors, family. Everyone is so happy. You feel like your on cloud nine.
Next you get to look through and plan for the baby. We don't know the gender but we call the baby "Punkinhead" or "Punkin". Now you already started planning out the room design if the baby is a girl or boy. Can do a neutral them. You go on sites like Thinkgeek.com and other fun sites for cool baby stuff. You start thinking about life lessons you will teach them. You start thinking how you will influence them, how the arts will be introduced to them from the start. How you will disapline and how you handle certain possiblities in life. If they are gay, or straight, if they like football if they like dolls etc.
Then the time comes and you get to go see the baby's heart beat. You get to see the life you created on a screen live. The doctors tell you it has a slow heartbeat, but its nothing to worry about.
Now imagine 24 hours later the world that you were planning, imagining, the hopes and dreams for this child suddenly vanish. The joy that brought your wife so much joy now only brings her sorrow and deep depression. How nothing you can say matters to her. Nothing you can do will make it better. There is absolutely nothing you can do other than love her, but even then it won't bring the child back. How it felt for me to be in the waiting room while she was in the bathroom and the baby came out of her in the toilet. How it traumatized her. Coming home and now having to tell everyone the baby is gone. How no one knows how to react. Some say sorry and give hugs. Others say "it wasn't in God's plan" or "just wasn't meant to be".
Now you go on day after day where every little thing reminds you of it. A baby on tv. Getting mail about being a mommy. Seeing friends who are pregnant at the same time as you were progress while you have nothing. Where your wife becomes bitter toward them because of it. Because she wasn't allowed to keep hers. How your wife constantly blames herself even if there is no rational reason for it. How ever though we were told the baby was just sick and quite possible didn't have the chromosomes linked up right.
This goes on for months. Then little at a time you slowly get to see your wife again out of the darkness. Fewer crying fits. Every so often they come. I find myself getting angry about it or sad and depressed. July 1-3 will be hard days because that was the due date. November 18 will be a hard day cause that's when it happened.
But we haven't given up. we will be mommy and daddy one day.