in which i feel i'm losing myself
so this is going to sound wierd and probably come out in all a jumble. But here goes.
He broke up with me almost a month ago, we had been together for 1 year 10 months and 3 weeks. I loved him so much, i didn't realise it till now. I still love him which makes this so twisted. To start with i thouht i was gonna be able to deal with it. I was at home, with my parents, away from uni, knowing i wouldn't see him, but now i'm back at uni, living in the same fucking house as him and i feel like my mind is breaking. All i want to do is reach out and touch him but i can't. I've been back at uni since sunday, 6 days living in the same house as the one who broke my heart into pieces and yet i still love him, i pine for him so much. To start with we ignored each other as much as possible, i thought this was what he wanted, he was cold, he was distant. I still loved him. Then i was silly, i got in a tizz and started punching walls and he heard, he asked me what was wrong. How stupid is that question. I'm going mad. IO love this guy with my whole soul, and he asks me whats wrong.... I slapped him, he told me to hit him rather then the wall, wouldn't hurt me as much. I can't hate him, i can't. And its so lonely here without him talking to me. I miss him, even though he's only a few feet away from me i miss him. He meant so much to me, still does, its just i dont mean as much to him anymore. People say it'll take time to get over him, then other people turn around and say they can see us getting back to0gether. Thats a cruel thing to say to me, it builds my hopes up, makes me believe that i'll be happy with him again, i want it so much. I'm doing stupid things to make him give me attention, he doesn't talk to me unless i've had some kind of outburst. Its difficult from someone being your everything to they're nothing. I just miss him. We used to talk all the time, he was basically one of my best friends and now i've lost that. Its gone from something some constant to something thats no longer there and i'm finding that hard to cope with. So hard to cope with i'm punching walls and putting knifes to my arm. This is not normal for me, it's so not me. I'm the calm one, i'm the rational one, i'm the happy one.
I just want him back, i forgive him everything and i want him to love me, but instead by my stupid mistakes and outbursts i make things worse, i'm going to end up killing his last bit of love for me and make him hate me. I can't have that, i need him in my life.
I sound so pathetic but its true. I want to go back 3 months and try and make it different but i can't, i can't change who i am. His reasons for breaking up with me is that i couldn't change. I shouldn't have to fucking change, i should be able to be who i am. Be loved for who i am. I dont doubt he loved me, but i dont know how long hes been falling out of love with me. He argured with me, but he never made it completley clear to me what he wanted me to change into.
I just want him back. I want him to love me again but he won't and i'm making it worse.
And i'm lonely. Just lonely.
I got in too deep, i didn't quite realise how much he is a part of my life. I knew he was important but not that i'd be this cut up about it.
He was and hopefully still is my best friend at uni. He's put up with me, the way i am for this long, but i just hoped he would for longer.
So now instead of feeling sorry for myself and causing more problems i need to grow up. I need to grow up and stop being the silly romantic loving girl who hopes her knight in shining armour will come by. I need to pick myself back up and carry on. I ned to take my feelings for him and keep them safe, and i need to keep this friendship, i need this friendship, even if i am still completley in love with him.
I need to be strong and i need to start doing that now.