Wellz....long as effin post
I felt so guilty for everything that I had done wrong, I would not move on. I refused, and began to fearthat I wasn't good enough. So I overlooked everything she did, at first. But I was really holding on to it all, because I was hurting with some of the things she did, how she changed, and then I would get mad at her, and she would feel like I was mad out of the blue, that I didn't really love her for her.
Am I to blame for everything that happened? Part of me says yes, that everything that fails is my fault.
I was elated when she chose to stay, because I was sure I would die of a broken heart. Though she stayed, I think I have still had a sick heart for the last year. A heart that still beats, but weakly, kind of like a cough you have for months after the flu.
And I shut down. I closed off. I can sit here and say I trust her like I used to, but it would be a lie. I think the same goes for her. She trusts me, but not liek she used to. We are no longer the safe haven we used to be. I hope we can end up becoming stronger for each other. But I digress. Part of me is still planning on her being gone one night when I come home, or when I wake, she won't love me anymore. Can aynone ever move on, ever regain trust, if that is the truth they face every day? I mean, if your every step is one that could crush the person you are trying to make trust you, it is nearly impossible to prove your devotion.
When it happened, I was sent back to every other person that left me in my life. Every person I fell in love with left me. Friends stabbed me in the back. Mentors proved incapable of answering my questions. And I could not trust anymore. I decided to close off all the trusting, loving, caring, calm, smart sides of me, and I decided to react with anger, and I lashed out. Part of me watched and wanted to stop, but my course was set. I would not be hurt anymore, and I would destroy everyone rather than be hurt. But that was high school, and people make mistakes. I should have just understood, and not hurt, and let go. Isn't that the Christlike thing to do?
I did when she came. And when she almost checked out of my life again, the one that had calmed the storm of my life, the one that had tamed the beast inside of me, when she failed, I turned off those parts again. And now I am angry, I fight, and I am miserable.
I feel like the sun could shine again in my life. I can't find ways to talk about some things with her yet, I can't relate with her fully quite yet. And I need her more than I ever have before. More than I have ever needed anyone. How can she give me what I need, when she is scared I will destroy her. How can she?
So this guy she wants to talk to, to make sure she didn't ruin his life, I commend that bravery, especially when this guy tends to lash out worse than most. I am the only one I know that can destroy a person better. I have done the same with my exes, and we have moved on. I bare them no ill will, though I may not care toactually interact with them. This should be know different. The difference is she is asking me to trust her, the way I asked her to trust me. Maybe she still wonders if I think about how her body feels while we make love compared to others. I know the answer, I don't. She is the most intoxicating, addicting, and fulfulling person I have ever known. The difference is I don't trust the people that hurt me. I wonder if that invalidates forgiveness? Does it? I do not know. I want to trust her, like I used to. We need it. She needs it. I need it.
She can make nice, check on him, but I cannot dictate how or when. Timing is everything to the person trying to make things right. However, I still haven't forgiven him, and I wonder if I even could yet. Does she expect me to? The longer he is gone, the less pressure there is on the trigger. The more he shows up, the more pressure is applied to that trigger. She says she knows he isn't good for her, and I knew that already. He brought out the worst in me. But like she may do, I still wonder sometimes if she talkes to him, will she crave his touch over mine, his mind over mine, his arms over mine. Am I still what she wants with her whole heart?
As far as empathy goes, this is a great exercise. It doesn't matter that I would never go back to those girls, never want them around my life. She may still have doubts. I wish I could erase them. I think she feels the same. I think she would like to erase my doubts. This is hard when doors are closed. I feel strongly that I need to let her ask him, see if he is ok, see if she is forgiven, even is he isn't trustworthy. She needs it. And then she can give more energy to me I think, and I can see that all she needed was closure. The ability to say "I am sorry." I think it will help her heal the way she needs, and I musn't interfere.
This is trust. Letting her go to him. Letting her talk to him. To make her peace with him. She trusted me, so I need to trust her. For now, I choose to hate him. I choose to despise him. I choose to never allow him near me again. That applies to her too. If he is around her, he is around me.
I hope you still don't love him. I hope you won't say those three words to him. I hope I am enough for you now. I hope you can give me all of you without remorse, without hesitation, without fear, and with all the hope, love, and passion that you once had. I hope I can reclaim that from you, and I hope to give it all right back to you. I want to be in your arms so bad right now, feel your heart beat against mine, your had in mind, and hear a whisper escape your lips that says "I love you."
Am I to blame for everything that happened? Part of me says yes, that everything that fails is my fault.
I was elated when she chose to stay, because I was sure I would die of a broken heart. Though she stayed, I think I have still had a sick heart for the last year. A heart that still beats, but weakly, kind of like a cough you have for months after the flu.
And I shut down. I closed off. I can sit here and say I trust her like I used to, but it would be a lie. I think the same goes for her. She trusts me, but not liek she used to. We are no longer the safe haven we used to be. I hope we can end up becoming stronger for each other. But I digress. Part of me is still planning on her being gone one night when I come home, or when I wake, she won't love me anymore. Can aynone ever move on, ever regain trust, if that is the truth they face every day? I mean, if your every step is one that could crush the person you are trying to make trust you, it is nearly impossible to prove your devotion.
When it happened, I was sent back to every other person that left me in my life. Every person I fell in love with left me. Friends stabbed me in the back. Mentors proved incapable of answering my questions. And I could not trust anymore. I decided to close off all the trusting, loving, caring, calm, smart sides of me, and I decided to react with anger, and I lashed out. Part of me watched and wanted to stop, but my course was set. I would not be hurt anymore, and I would destroy everyone rather than be hurt. But that was high school, and people make mistakes. I should have just understood, and not hurt, and let go. Isn't that the Christlike thing to do?
I did when she came. And when she almost checked out of my life again, the one that had calmed the storm of my life, the one that had tamed the beast inside of me, when she failed, I turned off those parts again. And now I am angry, I fight, and I am miserable.
I feel like the sun could shine again in my life. I can't find ways to talk about some things with her yet, I can't relate with her fully quite yet. And I need her more than I ever have before. More than I have ever needed anyone. How can she give me what I need, when she is scared I will destroy her. How can she?
So this guy she wants to talk to, to make sure she didn't ruin his life, I commend that bravery, especially when this guy tends to lash out worse than most. I am the only one I know that can destroy a person better. I have done the same with my exes, and we have moved on. I bare them no ill will, though I may not care toactually interact with them. This should be know different. The difference is she is asking me to trust her, the way I asked her to trust me. Maybe she still wonders if I think about how her body feels while we make love compared to others. I know the answer, I don't. She is the most intoxicating, addicting, and fulfulling person I have ever known. The difference is I don't trust the people that hurt me. I wonder if that invalidates forgiveness? Does it? I do not know. I want to trust her, like I used to. We need it. She needs it. I need it.
She can make nice, check on him, but I cannot dictate how or when. Timing is everything to the person trying to make things right. However, I still haven't forgiven him, and I wonder if I even could yet. Does she expect me to? The longer he is gone, the less pressure there is on the trigger. The more he shows up, the more pressure is applied to that trigger. She says she knows he isn't good for her, and I knew that already. He brought out the worst in me. But like she may do, I still wonder sometimes if she talkes to him, will she crave his touch over mine, his mind over mine, his arms over mine. Am I still what she wants with her whole heart?
As far as empathy goes, this is a great exercise. It doesn't matter that I would never go back to those girls, never want them around my life. She may still have doubts. I wish I could erase them. I think she feels the same. I think she would like to erase my doubts. This is hard when doors are closed. I feel strongly that I need to let her ask him, see if he is ok, see if she is forgiven, even is he isn't trustworthy. She needs it. And then she can give more energy to me I think, and I can see that all she needed was closure. The ability to say "I am sorry." I think it will help her heal the way she needs, and I musn't interfere.
This is trust. Letting her go to him. Letting her talk to him. To make her peace with him. She trusted me, so I need to trust her. For now, I choose to hate him. I choose to despise him. I choose to never allow him near me again. That applies to her too. If he is around her, he is around me.
I hope you still don't love him. I hope you won't say those three words to him. I hope I am enough for you now. I hope you can give me all of you without remorse, without hesitation, without fear, and with all the hope, love, and passion that you once had. I hope I can reclaim that from you, and I hope to give it all right back to you. I want to be in your arms so bad right now, feel your heart beat against mine, your had in mind, and hear a whisper escape your lips that says "I love you."