Cancer
Genre: Angst
Characters: Kakashi x Iruka
Rating: T
Summary: Kakashi’s thoughts when Cancer takes his beloved.
WARNING: boy x boy
Disclaimer: I do not own in any way these character nor do I profit from these fleeting fancies. All rights belong to the original creator and whomever else the law says.
A/N This story is dedicated to my Grandmother who was my best friend and passed away from cancer on 6/22/07. She always supported my writing.
CANCER
Who am I without you? I've lost a part of myself in you, in your laughter, in your joyful brown eyes. I've become those lingering kisses, those soft caresses. My body continues to breathe, to act, but without you I’m soulless. Everyone leaves me father, sensei, and Obito, and now you. When you found me I was undone, a tool moving lifelessly at my villages beck and call. Then you came and breathed life back into me with your love.
When we got the news that you only had months, my breath stopped, I was sure they had to be wrong, there had to be more they could do. You were so calm so at peace with what they were telling you, you were so much stronger then me. I don’t know how you did it consoling me when I should have been consoling you. Did I ever tell you, you were my hero? You were so worried about me, and all your students, you should have been thinking about yourself but all you could do was think of others. Once just once you cried, I don’t think I’ve ever held you so tightly. All I wanted was to make things better to take away the pain , to make the disease disappear.
We did so much after your diagnoses trying to fit forever into a few months. Taking that trip to the Land of Wave to see where the kids had had their first A rank mission, Naruto was so excited to show you where he and Sasuke had helped me defeat Zabuza that first time. You were so proud of them even Sasuke showed some joy at your praise. You didn’t know it but every night after taking your medication Sakura would sneak in and check on you, she couldn’t stand that even with all the training she was receiving from Tsunade there was nothing she could do for you. Then the trip to Crescent Moon Island, just the two of us on that vacation we always talked of but shinobi never get. For the first time in our lives we spent time doing nothing but relaxing, worrying about nothing but each other, no village and no students on our minds. I can never thank Tsunade enough for this time she allowed us.
I couldn’t believe how fast you deteriorated after that. Lying in bed your body wasted away but your mind was as sharp as ever. I know how much you worried about guest coming and seeing you like that, you couldn’t stand not being the proper host could you. I tried my best to do the job for you and I tried to tell you how beautiful you still looked to me everyday, did you believe me? The village loved you so much and you affected so many lives, I never really realized it until the barrage of parents, former students, current students, and friends started coming. You never had the heart to turn away any of them even though it took so much out of you to even just talk to them. But I know it cheered you up that they where there, and in the last days it was the hardest of things for me to turn away anyone but Naruto and the doctors.
I don’t think I slept at all the last few days, I was so scared you’d slip away and I wouldn’t be able to say goodbye. I thought I had come to terms with this but I found myself not believing this was happening to us, to you. You were so sick you couldn’t even speak anymore, and the pain, Gods what pain you must have been in even with the medication. I wanted to cradle you against me and fight off this disease but it was a fight I didn’t have the weapons to win, for the first time in my life their was a battle I knew I had lost before it even begin. I wanted forever with you even though I knew that was a dream we could never have, I wanted it. I had always been afraid I would be the one to leave you alone but here we were, you slipping through my fingers. I cried, I wont lie, I cried more freely then I have ever in my life, while you slept I cried for everything I was losing. I wanted to be strong for you but I was so sad. I wanted to here you say you loved me and that it would be ok, I wanted to be able to tell you I love you a thousand times more and even that wouldn’t have been enough. I wanted to hear you lilting laughter and see the pride and the joy in your eyes when I told you of my teams antics, but your eyes would smile for me anymore. I wanted to wake up with your body pressed against mine, to bury my face in your hair and wish the sun away so I could hold you a little longer but you were so fragile now. I wanted to kiss your lips again and feel you eager tongue delve into my mouth as I pull your body closer to mine and we’re one heart one soul, and now half of my soul is gone with you. I lost a part of me in you the part of me that felt love and warmth. I cant believe the gods took you from me I’ve spent my life so broken and when I find someone to fix me, your taken and I’m undone again.
I try to keep you in my dreams and my memories, its been three months since you left me here. No name is carved on the stone for you but everyday I stand here talking to you half expecting you to walk up behind me and wrap your arms around my waist asking me to come home. I wish we could start again, can we start again?