a long time coming and it's...depressing...surprise, surprise
well...it's beena while. i'll sum up and then go into detail.
for almost the last two weeks, i've been hanging out with my friend -and the only person i can call a true friend- barbara. we worked on a set with joel. met a lot of people at the stella adler theatre. i'm going to take a class or two in the fall semester. people there are quite sweet. and performers like myself...so we understand each other more than most people. and they all want to be there...seeing as classes cost a hell of a lot to go to. i so hope i get to go and be part of a production there...no matter how small. so barbara and i spent the last three nights in simi at her mom's place...with her brother david. i've lovd this guy sice i was 8...if i were to marry anyone...it would be him...if not...someone like him...he is beautiful, inside and out. to me he is perfect even in his flaws. but now is not the time. i might make myself sick. watched lots of movies and kicked david's butt at mortal kombat...and in return got the crap kicked out of me...i demand a rematch.
so let's talk about...saturday....i confessed all this about david to his two sisters (one older, one younger) and cried a lot...because he clearly explained to his frat boy friend troy that he could never date me cos he's known me too long...which...doesn't make sense in my mind...but i guess he's just not...attracted to me, though i know he loves me like a sister...even that i hold dear and hope it will always be so...i just want him to be happy...even if that means stepping aside and being just a sister.
jeff called me...i sent him an email saying how sorry i was that i had been such a jerk. telling him how sorry i was for being so hateful toward him...and he called me...asked me to have dinner with him sometime...but i'm leaving tuesday...and he leaves in a month for 5 months...so we have reschedualed dinner for december. this is also when Geno and i have our next session...long story...
sunday....sunday was a little rougher than i anticipated...
i woke up. david jumped on me to wake me up...layed there...i never thought that would make me cry...but it did. simply because...he doesn't know about...how i feel...and i don't have the heart to tell him and risk never being able to be a pal who just comes over and kicks ass at mortal kombat...so my wasted love will just have to sit...and wait...for mr. second-best...to come around...
we went to church. i sat in the kitchen chugging coffee, bagels and mountain dew and crying my eyes out in front of barbara. i cried most of the day...i can remember smiling twice. once went david jumped on me to get me to get out of "bed" (a couch) and the other when we saw 23 lamborghini all together, riding down PCH, through the canyon toward the 101...but the turned a some point...we got pictures. yeah, we were like the paparazzi. it was craziness.
david dropped off barb and i...gave me a long goodbye hug before my trip, and because it's always so long between visits...he gives the bes hugs...ever...i felt like i was going to cry...so i did the only thing i could...laughed...and acted like he was being weird...though he was...mock crying and acting like i was moving away permanently...hopefully i will never be permanently away from him.
we get inside...my sister's friend is over...anytime she has friends over she treats me like dirt and she did it to barbara, too. that's just how my sister is. product of her enviornment and my dad's in denial. one day i hope she grows up...i guess i just expect from her what was expected of me...and i suppose that can never happen...because she will never be the eldest daughter, or child for that matter. she will never know what it was like having to act like an adult at such young stages in life...of course i would not be who i am today without that.....but sometimes i wish i could've stayed young...just a little longer. innocent...a little longer...naive....carefree...just a little longer...
so...i go to watch When Harry Met Sally cos i'm feeling rather down about my guy situation...and we'd all like to believe that the movies can be taken from reality...but it is indeed the opposite. movies take a reality and change certain things around so that the ending is pleasing and creates hope in us...i unfortunately have lost that hope...now i just cry twice as hard and not the happy tears...more like the, "why can't life be more like this" tears...at around the point where they ar talking on the airplane, chris calls me...his twin brother chas was found dead yesterday...i lost it. i couldn't even stay on the phone...i cried for about an hour and paced...and screamed and mummbled...nothing helped. prayed for peace....a calm in knowing he is in a better place than this...i got that peace...though i can scarcly believe it...and i will suddenly bust out in tears...ever so often. watched the movie until they slept together then agreed that it was a mistake. it was at this time that my mom dopped barb, seth and i off at the noho station. seth went to a birthday party for a retarded 9th grade girl who i despise...for liking my brother because he's "hawt" not because he is an amazing guy with a truck load more to offer than typical guys...and he respects women...me included...most of the time. i hate when people think my brother is just another "hawt guy" they can oogle, fuck with and leave...oh, they will have to tango with me if i ever hear about it...see...i am the eldest...so i kissed him on the head and barb and i got off and went to our play...my brother continued down to hollywood/western.
got there...cried a lot. told a few people who i consider friends there what happened the last few days. they gave me beer and cheesecake...what better friends could one ask for. adrian, mike and the girl who shared her popcorn with me were there. devon the director as well. all friends. some of the cast members from the show we were working with were still there (they had an earlier show) and frank recited some malvolio to me...cheered me up some. he did pretty good for having not done it in 15 years, i think. we chatted about twelfth night...it made my day. just one of the trilllions of reasons i love barbara. we are 2/3 of BFB...long story in itself involving joel....biotch! *snuff laugh* so devon invited me and barb to the cast party (tonight was their last show) but we ended up not being able to go since no one was going to be heading into the valley tonight or tomorrow morning (this was at 10pm)...so we just came home, ate top ramen and watched Sleepy Hallow.
sent out e-mail to my old best friend Cynitta...now Jade...someone i don't know. someone i don't care to know in all honesty...but i will always be here for her if and when she needs me to be...that was basically what it said....and i think vinny is an asshole for the record. hawt as i thought he was when i first met him...an asshole typical guy nonetheless...and further confused my old and, now i fear, lost best friend.
i should sleep...i will try...just one more bit of tea to help me along...
for almost the last two weeks, i've been hanging out with my friend -and the only person i can call a true friend- barbara. we worked on a set with joel. met a lot of people at the stella adler theatre. i'm going to take a class or two in the fall semester. people there are quite sweet. and performers like myself...so we understand each other more than most people. and they all want to be there...seeing as classes cost a hell of a lot to go to. i so hope i get to go and be part of a production there...no matter how small. so barbara and i spent the last three nights in simi at her mom's place...with her brother david. i've lovd this guy sice i was 8...if i were to marry anyone...it would be him...if not...someone like him...he is beautiful, inside and out. to me he is perfect even in his flaws. but now is not the time. i might make myself sick. watched lots of movies and kicked david's butt at mortal kombat...and in return got the crap kicked out of me...i demand a rematch.
so let's talk about...saturday....i confessed all this about david to his two sisters (one older, one younger) and cried a lot...because he clearly explained to his frat boy friend troy that he could never date me cos he's known me too long...which...doesn't make sense in my mind...but i guess he's just not...attracted to me, though i know he loves me like a sister...even that i hold dear and hope it will always be so...i just want him to be happy...even if that means stepping aside and being just a sister.
jeff called me...i sent him an email saying how sorry i was that i had been such a jerk. telling him how sorry i was for being so hateful toward him...and he called me...asked me to have dinner with him sometime...but i'm leaving tuesday...and he leaves in a month for 5 months...so we have reschedualed dinner for december. this is also when Geno and i have our next session...long story...
sunday....sunday was a little rougher than i anticipated...
i woke up. david jumped on me to wake me up...layed there...i never thought that would make me cry...but it did. simply because...he doesn't know about...how i feel...and i don't have the heart to tell him and risk never being able to be a pal who just comes over and kicks ass at mortal kombat...so my wasted love will just have to sit...and wait...for mr. second-best...to come around...
we went to church. i sat in the kitchen chugging coffee, bagels and mountain dew and crying my eyes out in front of barbara. i cried most of the day...i can remember smiling twice. once went david jumped on me to get me to get out of "bed" (a couch) and the other when we saw 23 lamborghini all together, riding down PCH, through the canyon toward the 101...but the turned a some point...we got pictures. yeah, we were like the paparazzi. it was craziness.
david dropped off barb and i...gave me a long goodbye hug before my trip, and because it's always so long between visits...he gives the bes hugs...ever...i felt like i was going to cry...so i did the only thing i could...laughed...and acted like he was being weird...though he was...mock crying and acting like i was moving away permanently...hopefully i will never be permanently away from him.
we get inside...my sister's friend is over...anytime she has friends over she treats me like dirt and she did it to barbara, too. that's just how my sister is. product of her enviornment and my dad's in denial. one day i hope she grows up...i guess i just expect from her what was expected of me...and i suppose that can never happen...because she will never be the eldest daughter, or child for that matter. she will never know what it was like having to act like an adult at such young stages in life...of course i would not be who i am today without that.....but sometimes i wish i could've stayed young...just a little longer. innocent...a little longer...naive....carefree...just a little longer...
so...i go to watch When Harry Met Sally cos i'm feeling rather down about my guy situation...and we'd all like to believe that the movies can be taken from reality...but it is indeed the opposite. movies take a reality and change certain things around so that the ending is pleasing and creates hope in us...i unfortunately have lost that hope...now i just cry twice as hard and not the happy tears...more like the, "why can't life be more like this" tears...at around the point where they ar talking on the airplane, chris calls me...his twin brother chas was found dead yesterday...i lost it. i couldn't even stay on the phone...i cried for about an hour and paced...and screamed and mummbled...nothing helped. prayed for peace....a calm in knowing he is in a better place than this...i got that peace...though i can scarcly believe it...and i will suddenly bust out in tears...ever so often. watched the movie until they slept together then agreed that it was a mistake. it was at this time that my mom dopped barb, seth and i off at the noho station. seth went to a birthday party for a retarded 9th grade girl who i despise...for liking my brother because he's "hawt" not because he is an amazing guy with a truck load more to offer than typical guys...and he respects women...me included...most of the time. i hate when people think my brother is just another "hawt guy" they can oogle, fuck with and leave...oh, they will have to tango with me if i ever hear about it...see...i am the eldest...so i kissed him on the head and barb and i got off and went to our play...my brother continued down to hollywood/western.
got there...cried a lot. told a few people who i consider friends there what happened the last few days. they gave me beer and cheesecake...what better friends could one ask for. adrian, mike and the girl who shared her popcorn with me were there. devon the director as well. all friends. some of the cast members from the show we were working with were still there (they had an earlier show) and frank recited some malvolio to me...cheered me up some. he did pretty good for having not done it in 15 years, i think. we chatted about twelfth night...it made my day. just one of the trilllions of reasons i love barbara. we are 2/3 of BFB...long story in itself involving joel....biotch! *snuff laugh* so devon invited me and barb to the cast party (tonight was their last show) but we ended up not being able to go since no one was going to be heading into the valley tonight or tomorrow morning (this was at 10pm)...so we just came home, ate top ramen and watched Sleepy Hallow.
sent out e-mail to my old best friend Cynitta...now Jade...someone i don't know. someone i don't care to know in all honesty...but i will always be here for her if and when she needs me to be...that was basically what it said....and i think vinny is an asshole for the record. hawt as i thought he was when i first met him...an asshole typical guy nonetheless...and further confused my old and, now i fear, lost best friend.
i should sleep...i will try...just one more bit of tea to help me along...