The Words He Couldn't Say
Title: The Words He Couldn't Say
Author: remorsful_rain
Rating: PG-13
Beta: Lady Kiren, I did tweak so any mistakes are mine.
Summary: 5 Times Jim Kirk Couldn't Say it and One Time He Didn't Have To
Note: Inspired by the song The Words I Couldn't Say by Rascal Flatts
Disclaimer: No copyright infringment intended. I'm sadly not making any money off of this.
1.
On the top most shelf in the hallway closet, there’s a box covered in a thick layer of dust. Jim hadn’t touched it years. He hadn’t had any reason to. Until today. The step ladder was unstable beneath his feet, but he ignored the incessant wobble to grab the box.
Jim Kirk brushed some of the dust off and opened the old shoe box. Right on top lays his parents wedding photo, it was the only one he could find with his mother and father together. His dad had shipped off soon after their marriage and any other photo’s had either been destroyed or lost. In fact he’d had to snatch this one from an old family photo album at his great-aunts house.
There are other things in there too. Various knick knacks he’d picked up over the years, each from someone that he’d cared for one way or the other. Most people would say that he even loved them, like family or otherwise. What most people didn’t know was that love had done nothing for him, love always disappeared.
So for now the photo of him and Bones at the state fair was safely tucked away, until the next time Jim came home to visit.
2.
The music here was that awful crap that Bones liked. All the twangy achy breaky heart type of music was blasting from the speakers, and Jim was tempted to subtly move to the table furthest away. But Bones liked this music and so he stayed, listening to some woman singing about the words ‘I love you’ in some way or another. Underneath their table he surreptitiously twined their fingers together and hoped Bones understood.
3.
They were sitting on the porch of Bones’ farm house in Georgia. They just sat there rocking back and forth listening to the crickets and the creak of rocking chairs. A few early fireflies floated around, lighting up the dusk with their brief flashes of light.
It was another long shore leave and each time they came into port Jim was that more afraid that Bones would want to stay here. He was sure that the only thing keeping the doctor on the ship, other than the sense of duty, was him. Jim had had awhile to think about it and honestly he didn’t want to leave Starfleet. He wasn’t that one hundred percent sure he could leave for Bones. He didn’t know what he would do if Bones left, probably go crazy or get killed in some horribly tragic accident, but he hadn’t lost him yet.
Jim watched as the shadows cast from a waning moon moved across Bones sturdy face. There was so much Jim wanted to say, but his walls weren’t letting anything past his lips, because as soon a Bones heard it he’d leave.
Bones turned to him and smiled, before unfolding himself from the chair. He watched the tanned skin peeking out from underneath sleeves stretch across bone and muscle. Bones clapped him on the shoulder and told him he was ‘hitting the sack’. Jim just grinned and told him to sleep well.
After a late night breeze carried away the whispered words Jim didn’t have the courage to say.
4.
Jim enjoyed signing off on his messages with something weird. It made Chekov laugh and Uhura glare. In retaliation one day he received a public message from Bones signed ‘Love Ya’. He knew Bones probably didn’t, just meant it in jest, considering they were a ‘couple’ and had been for a while now. Jim’s throat felt tight and he had trouble swallowing. His fingers were poised above the keys twitching. Two hours later he sent a reply simply signed Jim and he’d never felt so guilty.
5.
Another away mission and they’d been invited to a party by the locals. There was plenty of food, alcohol and beautiful women to go around.
It was after oh, his fourth glass of the liquor and okay so he’d probably been a little drunk at the time, but he turned to his lover and plastering a grin on his face opened his mouth to say the thing he’d needed to, just as he spoke a pretty brunette tugged Bones away before he could beg off. Jim gave him a sloppy two fingered salute and drained half his glass in a swallow.
The next morning the pain in skull rivaled the pain of the fact he had to get stone drunk before he could admit he actually lo- liked Bones.
+ 1.
Bones had been there, he had just been there and now he was gone. Those damn savages had carried him off like the sacrifice he was meant to be. They’d locked eyes and then Bones was gone.
Jim and several teams scoured the sand dunes for days. They found caves and searched the caverns, but couldn’t find a damn thing. Two weeks later after several threats from the admiralty that they were going to cancel the search and the second party found an altar with blood on it. It was Bones’. Jim clung to the fact that there wasn’t enough there to kill someone, though everyone argued that rain could’ve washed it away.
Jim fought to stay but everyone had their proof and so the Enterprise was given new orders and told to leave. Dr. Leonard McCoy was officially listed as KIA, and Jim didn’t take it well. The entire crew was shaken and the ship was given a three month shore leave after their next mission. Jim barely ate and slept and he finished his orders on autopilot.
Georgia was nice in the spring. Not too hot, not too cold, Jim sat on the steps of the farmhouse during Bones’ funeral. He didn’t want to face all the people who thought he was starting to go insane because he believed his friend was still alive.
He stayed at the house during his leave. He lay in bed at night and thought about all the times he could’ve at least whispered the words he couldn’t say. He was being eaten from the inside out. He couldn’t believe he’d let it slip away from him, now he’d never know how things could’ve gone if he’d just said those three words.
On long nights slow achy breaky heart type songs would flow from the speakers in the house and Jim would drink until he couldn’t feel anything. Every morning was hell waking up alone and his hangover, no matter how bad, couldn’t distract him.
For once he wondered if he’d said those words Bones would’ve stayed.
On days when thunderstorms would crash and rain, he would always wonder if Bones liked them. When the thunder would crash he’s whisper to the house as if somehow his message would get to Bones, but the only he was telling was himself.
One late afternoon three weeks before leave was up he was standing in front of the porch, looking at the house. He was wondering if he should brave the outside world and maybe go see his mother or brother. He quickly dismissed the idea. Bones had left him the house and he didn’t ever want to leave. It had been bad enough when Uhura and the others had come and tried to get him into town. He just didn’t want to deal with the rest of the world yet.
Jim didn’t notice a car had pulled in behind him until he heard Uhura call his name. Sighing he turned to face the car. Spock and Uhura were getting out of the front and he was sure he could see Sulu, Chekov and maybe Scotty trying to squirm out of the back.
He didn’t say anything, he just turned back around, watching the house with hands buried in his pockets.
“Jim.” Uhura’s voice was soft, but it held a smile.
He turned to the side a little telling her he was listening.
“Jim, look at me.”
He obliged his face still in its usual state of expressionless.
“Why are you so happy?” He asked, wary. A smiling Uhura usually meant trouble.
Before she could answer a sudden distant yapping started and grew louder as it came around the corner of the house. A yellow Labrador puppy complete with the too big paws and floppy ears ran up to Jim and promptly bumped up the volume.
“Mac! It’s okay. They’re friends.” Jim softly murmured to it kneeling down on one knee to scratch it behind an ear.
“When did you get a puppy?” Sulu asked, looking just a surprised as the others.
“Mrs. Brady’s dog had puppies and she forced one on me. She said I was going to go crazy out here alone.” Jim shrugged standing, his voice turning a little brittle towards then end.
“Well we have a surprise for you. I guarantee you’ll like it.” Uhura grinned.
“You said that last time too and looked what happened.” Jim had to point out. They were all lucky to get off without a jail stay. Uhura winced.
“This one’s definitely better.”
Jim just nodded a little still not trusting her. She was smiling too much.
He watched as Scotty climbed out of the back seat and Spock came up next to him as they helped someone else out of the car. Jim swore his blood froze in his veins and his heart had stopped. There was no way in hell that’s who he thought that was; but when he locked gazes with the familiar hazel eyes there was no denying it. He promptly spun on his heel so he was facing the house. Mac who’d been resting his head against his master’s boot let out startled yelp at his pillows sudden disappearance.
Jim clenched his jaw to tight it hurt. Waves of emotion were crashing against his already battered and broken walls. Guilt, joy, bitterness, happiness, anger, betrayal, elation, they tossed and turned in his chest.
“Jim.” His voice was rougher than the last time Jim had heard it, and he sounded tired. There was no mistaking the question in the tone though.
Jim turned his face up towards the roof blinking and taking a settling breath. He tried to drag up his walls, but they were worn with misuse and he couldn’t hide any of his pain, and regret as he turned to face Bones.
They stood watching each other, two bodies separated by an impasse. Guilt flickered through Bones face, soon followed by pain and want. Jim just stood still, waiting for Bones to come to him. If he moved even an inch he would probably fall apart. He slowly closed his eyes and let out a long sigh when Bones didn’t move. He didn’t need this, he was on the razor’s edge as it was, if Bones was rejecting him or worse didn’t remember anything, and it would be the final straw. They’d have to lock him in some institution somewhere, because he would go insane.
Jim startled when he felt two strong arms wrap around him and pull him tight against a warm body. Bones was thinner than he remembered, a testament to his captivity, but Jim melted into the embrace anyway.
He felt that part of him that had been drowning in despair dry up. He looked up into his lover’s face, one he thought he’d never see again.
“Bones I-” Jim began, but was cut off by Bones’ chapped lips.
Jim finally understood what the doctor had been trying to tell him all along. He didn’t have to say the words because Bones had known all along.
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I finally admit I have penchant for writing song fics or fics inpired by songs. Random songs that I hear on the radio, at Wal-Mart, on T.V. shows.... >.> It would be annoying if I didn't enjoy it. If you guys have a song fic you want written, let me know and I'll probably do it. ;)
Fall break was this week, so I don't have labs, which = more writing time. So more fic soon to make up for my two weeks of total inactivity. (Curse you RL!!!)
P.S. I've written two and a half more parts for With One More Try series, is anyone interested enough for my to post them?