Top Gun AU part 4/4a
Title: Highway to the Danger Zone
Author: remorsful_rain
Betas: Lady Kiren, samtheburrito. Thank you guys this one was a doozy!
Movie Adapted: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092099/
Fandom: Reboot
Genre: Slash, Het, Gen
Characters/Pairings: Kirk/Bones, Sulu/Chekov, Uhura/Spock, Scotty, Pike, Chapel
Rating: PG-13 for language
Word Count: ~16, 900
Warnings: The romance may or may not spontaneously appear. Sappy ending!!!!
Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended; fair use only. Not created for profit.
Beware the angst and sap!!! You've been warned!!
**
He woke up in the infirmary, to the sound of humming and beeping machinery. The ceiling slowly came into focus along with the smiling faces of his teammates. They looked relieved for some odd reason.
With his concussion it took him seven hours of consciousness broken up over three days before he remembered anything. The guilt threatened to overwhelm him. Thanks to his high flying daredevil moves he’d nearly destroyed ‘Lantis and Enterprise and killed Bones.
After that, Jim just laid on the bio-bed and thought. He didn’t notice the sad look on his friends’ faces, especially Bones. He wasn’t paying any attention what so ever, after all they’d be a lot safer without him.
**
Two days later Jim sat in his room thinking.
He’d nearly killed someone close to him, the first person that had actually stuck around him in forever. Heck they all had stuck with him, they were all practically his family, were his family.
Jim snorted bitterly. He should’ve learned long ago that the Kirk family was cursed, they either were killed or got others killed. He had been the Maverick hoping to change his luck, make something of himself. He was a fool to tempt fate, because now he could have killed Bones. Jim had always killed intentionally, but it hurt so much worse when it happened accidentally, because it was always those closest to you. That was one lesson Jim had worked hard to never repeat.
His mind took him to the one place he did his best to avoid. His breathing seized and Jim tried to swallow past the lump in his throat. Sam.
Jim roughly pushed himself up and off the bed, angrily snatching his crutches. That was it, he couldn’t do this anymore maybe if he was lucky he could get a honorable discharge or whatever. Jim yanked the door opened and limped his way towards Pikes office.
**
“I want to quit,” Jim snapped without pre-amble.
Pike just glanced up from his paper work with a grim look, as if he’d be expecting this conversation.
“Why?”
“Because I’m reckless and I’m going to get someone killed.”
“That’s never stopped you before, so why now?” Pike was staring at him calmly, his fingers were steepled, but his eyes were sharp.
“Because I almost did kill someone.”
“So? You shoot people out of the sky for a living.”
Pike casualness was starting to piss off Jim a little. He needed to get out before he could hurt anyone else.
“Do you have a point sir?” Jim bit out between clenched teeth.
Pike sighed and leaned back in his chair.
“Maverick… Jim, anyone would be shaken up after what happened, I understand that, but you work with cutting edge, barely tested technology, accidents are bound to happen. You’re a damn good pilot. The fact that there were minor injuries is a testament to that. The crash wasn’t your fault, and frankly I’m surprised you’re giving in so easily.”
Jim’s anger slipped away and he rubbed a hand over his face, tiredly.
“I can’t do this anymore sir. I can’t help but play it over and over in my mind. If it had been any different if Bones and I had been any closer… I could’ve- I can’t do it. I lived through a bunch of shit in my life and I thought I could handle anything. But not this, sir. Not this.” He spoke softly, feeling his guilt and pain seize in his chest.
Pike nodded his head in understanding, “I know what you’re going through, but I’m not going to sign off on anything just yet. I’ll give you until the day before graduation, that’s three weeks, to make up your mind for sure.”
Jim just nodded and left, he already knew what his answer would be. He had to protect others from himself.
**
Feeling melancholy and more than a little emotionally wrung, out he headed for the hangar bay where Enterprise waited for him.
He hobbled up to her and gently placed a hand on her flank sliding it down the metal.
Jim swore he could almost feel the cool metal underneath his fingers warm, as if she was trying to tell him something. He could hear he powerful engines start warming up, but he shook his head sadly.
“I’m sorry girl. Not any more.” He paused, gathering his thoughts.
“I can honestly say that even though you’re a machine, an incredible intelligent machine, you’ve been one of the few higher intelligences that have actually known me for everything I am. God girl I’m going to miss you all so much.” Jim gently rested his forehead against the smooth metal composite fighting back tears.
He’d never been the crying type, his childhood had taught him to buck up and take it, but he’d never felt anything like this before. It felt as if he was loosing something that he’d never known he had needed but could live with out. He was being ripped to shreds.
“You wanna know a secret? ‘Cuse I know you won’t tell anyone,” Jim felt his mouth twist into a bitter smile as he whispered his secrete against Enterprise’s skin.
“But don’t tell Bones or ’Lantis ‘kay?” Jim said then sighed, “Goodbye I really hope it’s not forever.”
He finished giving Enterprise one last pat and hobbled out of the hangar, totally missing the shadow that stood by the doors.
**
Jim had done his best, he tucked away any feelings he had toward his friend and began religiously avoiding the doctor. There was no need to make the situation and worse than it had to be, because he knew Bones wouldn’t let him leave, even if the man had to hypo him and tie him to a bio-bed, which sounded kinky but probably wasn’t as fun as it sounded. Still Bones finally managed to pin him down in their room a week and a half later, which wasn’t surprising considering that it was the only room Jim allowed them to be alone together in, only because it was unavoidable.
“What the hell Jim. Why are you suddenly giving up like this?”
“I’m not giving-”
“Well it sure as hell looks like it from where I’m standing! Why are you suddenly so gung-ho about giving up the one thing you‘ve been working for your entire career? Is it because you’re feeling guilty?”
Jim winced, Bones had always been perceptive, but he just didn’t understand.
“Partly.”
“Why? ‘Cuse I can tell you no one blames you for it and you‘ve been cleared of any fault.”
“That’s just it Bones!” Jim exploded, “It is my fault. If I hadn’t been so reckless none of this would’ve happened!”
“Maybe, but that’s why you use it as a learning experience. None of us are completely used to how the X-30’s fly. Now we know not to fly so close together. It’s a fault in the design really, no one had any idea it was there.”
“That doesn’t matter Bones. If I hadn’t been flying like I owned the sky, it never would’ve happened.”
“But now they know about it and they can fix it now. No one was killed, or really too badly injured, you should feel happy about it.”
“Happy! I nearly killed you!” Jim snarled, tired of Bones attempts to get him to reconsider. It was time for him to know just who he was dealing with.
“But you didn-”
“But I could’ve! And if I continue flying I still can and it may not even be you! It could be Uhura, Spock, Chekov, hell anyone next time. And don’t tell me there won’t be a next time, because we both know there will be. No, it’s better if I’m grounded to a desk or something.” Jim shook his head sadly.
“But that would kill you, not ever being able to fly again,” Bones murmured softly, as if confused by Jim’s refusal.
“Better me than one of you guys,” Jim replied, old hurt making its way into his voice.
“Why are you so adamant you’re going to hurt us,” Bones growled.
“Because I always do!” Jim snapped back, oddly proud of the startled look on his friends face.
“You know I didn’t exactly have the best of childhoods growing up. After my father was killed my mother and brother were the only family I had. My mother ended up getting remarried when I was twelve. The guy was a diplomat so we ended up traveling a lot. It was kinda nice, to see different parts of the world ya know? But things changed once we went to France.” Jim began looking down at his clenched fists.
“Jim you don’t have to tell me…” Bones softly spoke from somewhere above him.
“No you need to know,” Jim shook his head before continuing, “Frank and Sam hadn’t ever really gotten along, probably because Sam was old enough to actually remember dad and Frank could never measure up. Anyway it came to a head in France. Sam left. Like really left, he told mom he didn’t want to be part of the family anymore and that Frank could go to hell. That broke mom, she’d never been the same since she’d lost dad but after that… it was like she wasn’t herself anymore.”
“She sent me home to live with my grandmother. It was like having me with her reminded her of the family she could never have.”
He heard Bones whisper ‘Oh Jim’ and felt a weight settle on the bed next to him and a warm hand rest on his shoulder.
“I joined the Fleet as soon as I convinced them it was a good idea to except an under-aged but genius cadet. Sam had joined a couple years before me, had a wife and a baby girl. They were the perfect family, everything Sam and I never had as a kid.”
“Anyway one day we were practicing aerial maneuvers. We got too close, Sam’s plane got caught in some turbulence and somehow he lost the engines. We ended up colliding midair. They said he was dead on impact.” Jim felt his breathing seize up, his chest was constricting.
“I don’t know how I survived, but I wished I hadn’t. I’d killed someone that was my family. It was my fault, I was the one that killed someone I loved. I had to tell my sister-in-law why her daughter would have to grow up without a father. I killed my own brother Bones! God, I almost did it to you. I can’t keep doing that!”
Jim pinned his friend with pained eyes before he buried his face in his hands.
“Jim,” Bones whispered, pulling him to his chest, “Jim it wasn’t you fault. It was an accident there was nothing you could’ve done.”
“No.” Jim replied feeling the pain twist his heart.
“Jim listen to me. It was an accident, it could’ve easily been anyone else up in the air with you. It was just circumstance that you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. You need to stop tearing yourself up about this. Your brother’s death wasn’t your fault and neither was the collision.”
Bones gripped him tighter as if his beliefs could somehow seep into Jim if he was close enough. Jim just sat there and let Bones hold him, he knew he would never stop blaming himself for his brother’s death, or for almost killing Bones. Next week he was going to step onto a shuttle and leave this all behind. So for now he reveled in the warmth and comfort the older man could provide.
“Believe me,” Bones whispered it fiercely against the top of his head.
Jim shook his head sadly and let his heart fall apart.
**
Three days later Jim found himself sitting at Pike’s kitchen table while his wife looked at him with an oddly maternal look. He felt kind of bad just dropping by, but then again he hadn’t known that the instructors had houses off base and he was a spur of the moment kind of guy. He needed answers and Pike was the only person he knew he could ask and get a straight answer.
“All right lets go kid.” Pike growled, coming down the stairs. He kissed his wife and Jim thanked her for her hospitality and then they were out the door and taking a stroll out in the dry desert air.
“I flew with your old man, F-22’s on the Kelvin. You’re a lot like he was, only better… and worse. He was a natural heroic, that one.” Pike spoke up after a few minutes of unbroken silence.
“So he did it right?” Jim asked. He had to know whether all the stories he’d been fed by the military were really true.
“Yeah he did it right… Is that why you fly the way you do? Trying to prove something?” Pike paused to smile and shake his head, “What I’m about to tell you is highly classified. It could end my career.”
Jim inclined his head and focused on every word Pike spoke.
“We were in the worst dog fight I could’ve ever dreamed of. Bogies like fireflies all over the sky. His F-22 was hit, he was wounded, but he could’ve made it back. But, he stayed in it and saved eight planes before he bought it.”
“How come I’ve never heard that before?” Jim asked, he felt angry but with everything going on the last couple of weeks, he was emotionally wrung out.
“That’s not something the state department tells dependents when the battle occurred over the wrong line on some map.” Pike snorted, his eyes took on a hard edge.
“So you were there?”
“Yeah…I was there. What’s on your mind?”
“My options sir.” Naturally the old man would be perceptive enough to pick up on his thoughts.
“Simple. First you’ve acquired enough points to show up tomorrow and graduate with the rest of your Top Gun class. Or you can quit. There‘d be no disgrace, that crash would‘ve even shaken me up.”
“So you think I should quit?” Despite everything those words left a bitter taste in Jim’s mouth. He’d never just rolled over and quit on anything.
“I didn’t say that. The simple fact is you feel responsible for your brother and now Bones and you’ve got a confidence problem. Now I’m not going to sit here and talk sunshine and rainbows lieutenant. A good pilot is compelled to always evaluate what’s happened. So he can apply what he’s learned. Out there we’ve gotta push it. That’s our job. It’s your choice Kirk, all yours.”
Once again Jim knew exactly what he’s going to do.
“Sorry to bother you on a Sunday, sir, but thank you for your time.” Jim stuck out his hand, and hoped Pike would get the rest he couldn’t say. Thank you for believing in me, thank you for pushing me, thank you for being there, thank you for my father. Pike was probably the closest thing to a father he’d ever have.
“No problem. Good luck.” Pike took his hand and firmly shook it. From the look on his face the old man had understood completely.
**
That afternoon, Jim sat on one of the picnic tables next to the volleyball courts, mulling over Pike’s words. The sunset was quite spectacular with the layers of purples and oranges sinking below distant mountains. It was a soothing atmosphere, something he needed while he sorted out the chaos twisting like a storm inside him.
He’d almost killed someone and destroyed his plane, he would be better off grounded. Then again if he believed Bones and Pike, it had been an accident and he should learn from it and get back in the saddle. Could he do that? He felt like if he did he’d be throwing away a piece of himself. Jim had carried that chip on his shoulder for too long.
Jim was protective by nature, over his family, his lovers, he would protect them from everything he could. He’d do anything they would ask of him, but what was he supposed to do with them telling him to stay when he posed a danger to them? It was too confusing, and all the thinking was making his head hurt. He wanted to just say the hell with it and go with what his gut told him, but that could prove to be dangerous, considering he’d stay.
If he could keep his extreme stunts controlled, there wouldn’t be a problem. Jim wasn’t sure he could do that though, it was what made him who he was and he had saved a lot of people with his maneuvers.
Jim sighed and closed his eyes listening to the sounds of the desert. He needed to shut his brain off. All the thoughts and what if’s were driving his insomnia, he hadn’t gotten a decent nights sleep since the… accident? Incident? Screw-up?
Before he could get any further into another long tirade in his head, he heard feet walking across the concrete around the table. Squinting Jim managed to make out a Bones-shaped shadow.
“Bones?” he wondered sitting up.
From the better angle Jim could see the straight tensed shoulders and slightly frowning mouth. He could see worry and doubt in Bones face despite the heavy shadows.
“What’s up?” Jim asked easily, even tacking on a half-smile that fooled neither of them.
“What are you going to do?” Bones voice was rough and low.
Jim didn’t bother pretending that he didn’t know what Bones was talking about. He listed a shoulder in a nonchalant shrug.
“I’m not sure.” Jim was a great liar, and somehow deep down he knew what he was going to do. What his father and brother would have told him to do, what everyone was telling him to do.
Bones stiffened a little, already standing at parade rest. His face was unreadable, and it frustrated Jim, they‘d been so close when they‘d gotten to the base, but now... They couldn’t say what needed to be said.
“Graduation’s tomorrow.” Bones reminded him.
“I know. I went to see Pike today. He told me about my dad. He said I had enough points to graduate if I wanted to.” Jim watched his friend closely, and managed to catch a flicker of hope. Hope for what though? That Jim would stay or something else?
“Don’t worry Bones if I don’t graduate I’ll at least come to see you.” Jim tried to joke, but it fell flat when Bones actually flinched a little.
“If you’re going to do that, I’d rather you not come at all.” Bones voice was quiet, rough and deadly serious.
Jim reeled as if he’d been punched. It felt as if Bones was betraying him with those words. They were supposed to be friends, teammates there for each other when they needed it. Suddenly it clicked, maybe Bones needed him as much as Jim needed him.
Undercurrents that had been tugging at him since he’d first spotted Bones on that shuttle reared up, refusing to be put down. Jim gave into it in his usual ‘the hell with it manner’ and grabbed the front of Bones shirt and crashed their mouths together.
Bones mouth was slack against his and Jim had to pull back and growl, “Get with the program old man,” before he got any response.
Bones pushed him away, but since he kept his hands on Jim’s shoulders the pilot hoped he wasn’t being rejected. That would the metaphorical cherry on top of the proverbial sundae.
“Jim, don’t,” Bones voice sounded pleading, “Not unless you mean it. Not unless you’re going to stay.”
Jim couldn’t look him in the eye. Bones fingers tightened around his shoulders.
“Jim?”
It wasn’t fair, Jim groused to himself, that Bones had to push this when he was already tired and mostly defenseless.
He met Bones gaze and held it.
“I’m staying“, he answered slowly, “Don’t ask me why because I still think I could hurt you guys, but deep down I know I can’t leave. And I meant it.” Jim grinned a little, “Are you telling me the whole ‘I may throw up on you’ wasn’t some kind of cheesy pick up line?”
“Maybe it was, you certainly know enough about cheesy pick up lines yourself, considering you just threw one at me. Bones replied, a smile tugging at his own lips. Entirely delectable lips.
Bones seemed to catch the heat in his eyes because he brought their mouths together again.
“So what does this mean.” Bones growled when he let Jim up for air.
“What does what mean?” Jim gasped.
“This, us, the whole staying thing, take your pick.”
“Well maybe I find your well muscled chest, arms, legs, hell your whole body hot as hell. Though I really do like your legs, you have nice legs.” Jim answered.
“Oh and lips, they’re nice too.” He added, before bringing Bones back for more kissing.
He didn’t know if he could say what Bones wanted to hear, didn’t know what words to use, but the best thing was he didn’t have to worry about it. From the way Bones was kissing back he understood what was unspoken.
All too soon Jim had to pull away to yawn, his body telling him now that he wasn’t freaking out about stuff, it was tired.
“When was the last time you slept?”
Jim rolled his eyes, you could practically hear Bones switching into mother hen mode.
“I haven’t slept well since the accident.” He answered truthfully, knowing Bones would come to the same conclusion anyway.
The doctor’s eyes softened and he gave Jim another thorough kiss before pulling away.
“Come on.” He growled grabbing Jim’s wrist and dragging him back inside.
“Are we going to have hot monkey sex now?” Jim asked, rather liking the prospect.
Bones sent him a heated look, and eyed his body before turning back around.
“As tempting as that is, no. You need sleep.”
“But I always sleep better after sex,” Jim said through another yawn.
“Something tells me you’ll be sleeping pretty good anyway.” Bones remarked dryly.
Jim stuck his tongue out at him.
It was dinner time so as they passed the Mess, Jim paused to wave before Bones dragged him away. He swore he heard Amazon yell, “It’s about damn time!” as he rounded the next corner; which may or may not have caused his face to heat a little.
Bones just frowned and grumbled something before locating their room and shoving Jim into it.
“Bed.” He ordered.
When Jim didn’t comply he shoved him down onto it and began undoing his boots.
“Jeez I should’ve known you’d be pushy in bed too.” Jim groused, as his shirt was roughly pulled over his head.
“Here change and get under the covers.” Bones ignored him, throwing a clean shirt at him.
Not one to argue with Bones once he was in doctor mode, Jim quickly stripped to his boxers and pulled the shirt over his head. Once he was settled in bed, he was surprised to see his friend similarly dressed.
“Bones wha-?”
“Budge up.”
Jim complied, confused. Bones laid down next to him and threw a warm arm across his waist and twined their leg together. Jim immediately stiffened, intimate moments like this weren’t exactly his forte.
“Shh,” Bones soothed, running a hand along Jim’s side, until he relaxed.
“So do I get a good night kiss?” Jim couldn’t help but ask.
He watched Bones lips quirk into a small smile before he leaned forward to kiss him.
“There now go to sleep, you need it and I’m not going anywhere.” Bones growled settling down.
Jim let himself smile, Bones was damn perceptive. For the first time in a while he fell into an easy sleep, the monsters were waiting in the shadows, but they left him alone that night. The last month or so faded into the darkness as he fell into a deep sleep.
Part 4b