Love Hurts...maybe too much.
I just had one of the worst fights with my boyfriend. I felt like crap and like a fool. He decided to go to a club and never told me a about it. Funny thing how this kinda stuff has its way of getting around. It was one of the worst ways to find out too. So his sister calls and says something about his friend jimmy being there (the club) and how he was the guy who was at the place which he doesn't want me to know about. Dead give away, he lowered the volume on my phone and tried to play dumb, as if he had no clue what so ever as to what she was saying. So he hangs up on her and i asked him what she was talking about and so he tells me he has no clue. I ask him over and over and he promises to me he has no clue. He promised.
I was just about to believe him, so i am like okay whatever i am not going to get mad, and i figured he was going to be like, nothing happened and it's just an honest misunderstanding. Instead i get, okay, i'll tell you what happened. So then i was sitting there and i wondered, what did i ever keep from him ??
Nothing. everytime i ever did something, he found out, every fucking time i told him, i was left with such guilt and sympathy-i thought how could i ever do that to him, he would never do that to me... I am sitting there listening to him tell me about the time he went to this club with some of his friends, he never told me because he didn't want to get me upset. Funny thing was that i wasn't upset so much that he went, but instead that he kept that from me, KNOWING damn well that if i were the one to have gone to a club, he would have been up my ass about it and i would have felt like the biggest Jerk. Then of course i started to wonder who else he might have been with that night..maybe some dirty slut he found there who was trying so hard to get into his pants, maybe she got what she wanted. I wondered about all the other things he ever told me and if any of it was true. I questioned everything without words, just emotions and thoughts. It made me wonder why i never tried anything during all the times i hung out with my friends and made me wonder if i would have the nerve to return the favor some time soon. I wouldn't do that though. I'm not like that. I dont think i could ever be that way no matter how many times i may say it or expect it. So i sat there, i just cried, what the heck was i supposed to say? i said it anyway, it's ok. Deep down inside i felt such...anger, like the kind you get when you see a dog get kicked. You know why i felt that way? because i felt like a dog who was kicked.
He told me the reason he never mentioned it was because he didn't want me to break up with him. He didn't want to hurt me, but i think i was more hurt by it being kept from me. I began to cool off and figured maybe i should just break up with him. I just felt like not caring anymore and i didn't want to hear anything at all. Then i was like you know what, i dont care and i actually didn't. I didn't care if he went and i didn't care if he met someone there. I just didn't care if anything happened or if there was nothing more to say. I've been there once before and i thought about the people you meet there, all losers, sometimes just bored people-nothing more, so i figured, hey if he did find someone, i hope she was worth it. His sister called me and asked me to not be so upset, and i wasn't mad at her in any way, but i felt so betrayed by everyone. Like a conspiracy had given away a faint signal that sent the world into chaos and i was in the middle. So naive and clueless.
Well my point here is that no matter what anyone says, no matter how credible, believable, or loyal they may Seem, you just never know who is two faced and playing games. You think you know someone, but then they hurt you and you doubt everything. It's people like that who create a world of doubt and infedelity. I know I'm upset and i am being a bit harsh. But after this, i just don't feel the same trust or security as before. It's funny how the people you love can have such an impact on your life and such control over your emotions. I'm just going to sleep this off, tomorrow i just wont care and this entry will be a reminder that it wasn't a bad dream.