slow dancing in a burning room
There is so little keeping me in fandom right now. I'm looking at my wips and thinking, "just finish and post and don't look back." But then I go to the community and I see those people and I try to think like he does and imagine the best in each of them. It's against my nature to assume the best of people, even to assume anything but the absolute worst, but I'm trying to learn from a very good example. So each of those names means something to me and I'm so grateful, really, and utterly undeserving. Fandom's given me so much to be thankful for but I'm just not sure how much longer I can take all the bullshit. I want to believe that I don't have communication with people who hate Zhou Mi and Henry or people who wank on my friends for fun, but the reality is, I probably do.
God, this is so hard to articulate. I'm tired and upset and I feel like I've been crossed in the worst way possible. I just want to crawl into bed and wakeup to a fandom that can fucking get along with each other and have nice things. I don't want a fandom that bitches about getting no goodfic and then shits on the people who're trying to write it. It's petty and disgusting. You're on the fucking internet and acting like that big of a douche- I can't imagine what a fucking ray of sunshine you must be in real life. I comfort myself with the fact that people who can call a girl out on her own unrelated personal life or insult two of the most harmless boys ever must be someone disgusting- if you have the capacity for that kind of shit there must not be very much room left in you for good. You think that makes people want to be around you? Unlikely. I sincerely hope those people are left alone to suffer in their own misery. Even better if they could manage to keep their bullshit to themselves and writhe quietly.
I really enjoyed fandom when I first came in, I thought everyone was extremely welcoming and I felt lucky that they were giving me and my fic the benefit of the doubt (can you tell how mistrustful I am? /projects forever). But then I found out about fandom's shitty like idek the word for it rn. But the people who fucking swallow whatever shit they're fed and then spew it back on command.
I wish people could think for themselves. Don't see some shit posted about a person and think, wow that must be true. BECAUSE IT'S THE FUCKING INTERNET, YO. AND BECAUSE CHUCK NORRIS SAID ALL THE SHIT ON THERE IS FOR FUCKING REAL. PITY THE FOOL WHO DON'T BELIEVE. Honestly. Grab two fucking braincells and form your own opinion based on your own experiences or you're gonna end up following the majority of this fandom right over the cliff edge they're headed for. And gee, won't you look real fucking dumb after that.
I gave up on shit like writing for feedback and making new friends. For a while now, I've been in this for the friends I've made so far, just sticking it out to be with them. But now they're either getting driven out or realising what a fucked up fandom this is and peacing out of their own volition. I don't want to lose the people I've gotten so close to, especially not over stupid things like OTP wars and the like.
I just. idk how Zhou Mi manages. Boy deserves the fucking world and all he gets is this kind of bullshit. I don't want to lose him either :/ I really look forward to his updates and everything. I still haven't recovered from Sungmin leaving and the heartache those jizzrags put him through. wtf is their damage? idek anymore.
jhgfdgjkl I still don't know how to feel about him either.
[EDIT]: I feel like I should say that I'm not planning on leaving just yet. Also, that I get that the median age in fandom is gonna lead to a lot of bullshit- I'm not confused about that, I know wank is an inevitable thing when it comes to the internet in general. But I also feel like it's pathetic that the reality here is that you can't expect a fifteen year old to act with a modicum of empathy and maturity, that fandom is fucking ripe to breed this shit for a million different reasons. My issue is more like it's hard for me to watch my friends get hurt and not be able to do anything about it. I'm not worth much and it wouldn't punish anyone if I left fandom, there's no one to call out and nothing to say even if I could. Right now I'm just focusing on my flist. There were times when I felt like a bitch for saying no to friend requests/adds, but now I'm really glad that I was so specific about who I'd friend. I really feel like my flist is made up of the best fandom has to offer and I'm really lucky to know you all. This entry is just me being upset about the fact that, if it comes down to it, there's nothing I can really do for you (or my boys) in the face of shit like wank- no matter how much I owe y'all for having been there for me through rl problems etc etc. It's just frustrating. But so long as the benefit of having such an amazing, incomparable flist still outweighs the other shit, then you can count me in.
and my supportive message to Zhou Mi got censored. WHAT IS MY LIFE.