From the Notebook of... (Looks Like Somebody Cut Health Class Remix) [Death Note: L, Light, - PG]
Title: From the (Very Private) Notebook of... [The "Looks Like Somebody Cut Health Class One Too Many Times" Remix]
Author: shayheyred
Summary: Probability that L is a dork - 87%
Fandom: Death Note
Pairing: L/Light
Rating: PG for language mostly
Original story: Textbook Example by pollinia
Notes: Go read the original. It's hilarious, and quite a bit hotter than this bit of silliness.
L - PERSONAL LOG
Kira Investigation Day 83
Food consumed: ice cream sundae, ham & cheese sandwich, 2 orders gyoza, edamame, cake (chocolate), pie (banana crème) (3 slices), dish red bean ice cream, French fries, coffee, 5 cups
Surveillance continues of subjects
No suspicious activity on part of subjects MA or YL
Time watching tapes: 17hrs 43 min 22 sec
TO DO:
Rewatch tape 4508A - F re: Penber murder
Contact Watari re: contingency plan B
Try new kind of pie
NOTE: Light wears the nicest pants.
L - PERSONAL LOG
Kira Investigation Day 90
Food consumed: grilled cheese sandwich, ramen, 2 orders gyoza, fruit cocktail, cake (yellow, with chocolate frosting), pie (coconut crème), dish green tea ice cream, French fries, coffee, 5 cups
Surveillance continues of subjects
No suspicious activity on part of subjects MA, YL
Time watching tape: 18 hrs. 06 min 02 sec
TO DO:
Ask Matsuda to make sure pie is fresh next time (meringue a bit dry today)
NOTE: Does Light wear briefs, boxers or bikinis?
L - PERSONAL LOG
Kira Investigation Day 94
Food consumed: 1 box Green & Black chocolates, hot cocoa (2 cups), pocky, sashimi (2 orders), pie (key lime, v. tasty - m. remember to order again), cupcakes, French fries, coffee (8 cups)
No suspicious activity on part of subjects MA, YL
Time watching tape: 21 hrs. 56 min 04 sec
TO DO:
Limit observations to subject YL as he is more interesting of the two
Probability Light is Kira - 55%
NOTE:
Efforts to catch Light on tape revealing underwear have proved unsuccessful.
Must investigate as I am sure I'm on to something.
Probability boxers - 12%
boxer briefs - 30%
tighty whities - 45%
thong - 10%
Statistical variance +-3%
L - PERSONAL LOG
Kira Investigation Day 96
Food consumed: Strawberry shortcake (w/o strawberries), turkey noodle soup (w/crackers), mint chocolate chip ice cream w/butterscotch sauce, German sausage, key lime pie (meh, not as good this time), 1 dozen donuts (the kind with the little sprinkles - I love that!), French fries, coffee (8-9 cups, I forget)
Personal observation time of subject YL 23:01
YL irked by "infringement of privacy" but settled down quickly in shared room
TO DO:
Send Matsuda to Library re: "Forms of Human Sexuality," Kinsey Institute Press
NOTE: Need more coffee. Have to find a way to remain awake that last hour, because apparently Light waits till I'm asleep to get dressed. Sneaky. 62%
Had peculiar dream about Bullet Train squeezing into a too-tight tunnel. V. weird.
Really, really want to know nature of Light's underwear. Really.
L - PERSONAL LOG
Kira Investigation Day 100
Food consumed: asparagus, Twinkies (8), cheese straws, celery sticks, carrot, popsicle (orange), foot-long hot dog, French fries, coffee (8 cups).
Had craving for bananas. Weird.
Add cameras in hotel bathroom. YL sneaked off to change there, damn him.
Percentage 72%
TO DO:
Send Matsuda for "Common and Uncommon Sexual Behavior," "Kama Sutra," "Sexual Interactions."
L - PERSONAL LOG
Kira Investigation Day 101
Food consumed: coffee (16? cups) MUST STAY AWAKE!
Unfortunate side effect of cofffeee - Had to urinate repeatedly, thus missing the exact moment of Light changing into pajamas, damn it.
Question: If Light is a normal college student, why is he constantly covering his body? Would Kira be that shy? Maybe Light is deformed? Extra buttock? No genitals?
Speculation: Kira would not be shy, though Light may have deformity. Must investigate further.
YL = Kira, percentage 41%. Likelihood of deformity = 43%
NOTE: Matsuda agreed to library, but refuses to go to adult book store. Have tried bribing with money to no avail.
TO DO:
Try offering Matsuda Misa-Misa porn manip.
L - PERSONAL LOG
Kira Investigation Day 101
Forget previous entry. Caught glimpse of naked YL emerging from shower. Buttocks not deformed.
L = Kira Percentage 65%
Light's buttocks approx. 12% rounder than mine.
NOTE: Misa-Misa porn was successful as bribe.
Have learned a great deal from new books, particularly "Hot Sex," by Tracey Cox.
Also? The mangaka of "Hentai!" is one heck of a writer.
L - PERSONAL LOG
Day 104
Where is Matsuda with those DVDs I ordered? I don't care how embarrassed he is - I want to see "Frat House Fondlers 3." Will replace him on team if necessary, dammit.
Craving Polish sausage. Have no idea why.
Ordered ButtMaster from Gay Caballero Products catalogue
L - PERSONAL LOG
Day...who the fuck cares??!!!111!
Cannot stand it. MUST SEE LIGHT NAKED AGAIN UNDERWEAR!
L - PERSONAL LOG
Day 123
Have decided to add human factor to advance investigation into subject YL's underwear and the apparently large polish sausage he carries around with him in his pants ha ha ha ha ha ha
Will make the sacrifice of using myself as catalyst to advance investigation as I don't think Matsuda is up to it
L - PERSONAL LOG
Day 124
Setback: When I called Watari for information on facilitating interaction with subject YL as pertaining to nakedness and subsequent activity, he was not forthcoming with information. Instead, mumbled something about "birds and bees and sometimes boy bees like other boy bees."
Do not understand his meaning.
L - PERSONAL LOG
Day ?
Have decided to proceed with experiment even without adequate preparation.
NOTE: Must rewatch "Frat House Fondlers 3" before instituting experiment.
Food: Polish sausage. Oysters, 1 doz. Also éclairs. Am surprisingly fond of creamy filling.
L…..L….LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAWRENCE? LEONARD? LUCKY? LOUIE? LEE? LEMUEL?
WHAT THE FUCK IS HIS NAME? NOT JAPANESE - WHERE THE HELL IS HE FROM, ANYWAY? DOESN"T MATTER. I HAVE TO KILL HIM NOW!
IF FUCKING RYUK WON'T TELL ME L's REAL NAME, I'M READY TO WRITE MY OWN DAMN NAME IN THIS NOTEBOOK IF IT WOULD MEAN GETTING AWAY FROM L
SHIT!
I CAN'T STAND THIS ANY MORE! IF HE SITS THAT CLOSE TO ME AGAIN, PERVING ON ME, WITH ALL THAT HEAVY BREATHING, I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS!!!
PLUS HE'S BEEN EATING ALL THIS POLISH SAUSAGE LATELY AND HE HAS GARLIC BREATH
I'LL KILL HIM, I SWEAR, EVEN IF I HAVE TO DO IT BY BASHING HIS HEAD IN WITH ONE OF HIS FUCKING MINI-CAMERAS THAT HE DOESN'T THINK I KNOW ARE IN THE BATHROOM! THAT'D SERVE HIM RIGHT.
WAIT-
THEN THEY'LL ARREST ME AND I'LL GO TO JAIL
THAT WOULD BE FUCKING IRONIC
AAAAUUUUUGGGHHH!
LUIGI?
LUKE?
LARS?
LUDOVIC?
LESTER?
LAZARUS?
JUST SHOOT ME NOW
L - PERSONAL LOG
Day 128
He doesn't wear underwear.
AT ALL
98%
L - PERSONAL LOG
Day 129
Also? It's not a sausage.
L - PERSONAL LOG
Day 130
Damn.
He's HUGE.
THE FUCKER TOUCHED ME!!!!
DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
HE TOUCHED ME AGAIN.
REPEATEDLY
OKAY, MAYBE IT'S NOT SO BAD
L - PERSONAL LOG
Day 134
Must begin new investigation into why my ass hurts.
Author: shayheyred
Summary: Probability that L is a dork - 87%
Fandom: Death Note
Pairing: L/Light
Rating: PG for language mostly
Original story: Textbook Example by pollinia
Notes: Go read the original. It's hilarious, and quite a bit hotter than this bit of silliness.
L - PERSONAL LOG
Kira Investigation Day 83
Food consumed: ice cream sundae, ham & cheese sandwich, 2 orders gyoza, edamame, cake (chocolate), pie (banana crème) (3 slices), dish red bean ice cream, French fries, coffee, 5 cups
Surveillance continues of subjects
No suspicious activity on part of subjects MA or YL
Time watching tapes: 17hrs 43 min 22 sec
TO DO:
Rewatch tape 4508A - F re: Penber murder
Contact Watari re: contingency plan B
Try new kind of pie
NOTE: Light wears the nicest pants.
L - PERSONAL LOG
Kira Investigation Day 90
Food consumed: grilled cheese sandwich, ramen, 2 orders gyoza, fruit cocktail, cake (yellow, with chocolate frosting), pie (coconut crème), dish green tea ice cream, French fries, coffee, 5 cups
Surveillance continues of subjects
No suspicious activity on part of subjects MA, YL
Time watching tape: 18 hrs. 06 min 02 sec
TO DO:
Ask Matsuda to make sure pie is fresh next time (meringue a bit dry today)
NOTE: Does Light wear briefs, boxers or bikinis?
L - PERSONAL LOG
Kira Investigation Day 94
Food consumed: 1 box Green & Black chocolates, hot cocoa (2 cups), pocky, sashimi (2 orders), pie (key lime, v. tasty - m. remember to order again), cupcakes, French fries, coffee (8 cups)
No suspicious activity on part of subjects MA, YL
Time watching tape: 21 hrs. 56 min 04 sec
TO DO:
Limit observations to subject YL as he is more interesting of the two
Probability Light is Kira - 55%
NOTE:
Efforts to catch Light on tape revealing underwear have proved unsuccessful.
Must investigate as I am sure I'm on to something.
Probability boxers - 12%
boxer briefs - 30%
tighty whities - 45%
thong - 10%
Statistical variance +-3%
L - PERSONAL LOG
Kira Investigation Day 96
Food consumed: Strawberry shortcake (w/o strawberries), turkey noodle soup (w/crackers), mint chocolate chip ice cream w/butterscotch sauce, German sausage, key lime pie (meh, not as good this time), 1 dozen donuts (the kind with the little sprinkles - I love that!), French fries, coffee (8-9 cups, I forget)
Personal observation time of subject YL 23:01
YL irked by "infringement of privacy" but settled down quickly in shared room
TO DO:
Send Matsuda to Library re: "Forms of Human Sexuality," Kinsey Institute Press
NOTE: Need more coffee. Have to find a way to remain awake that last hour, because apparently Light waits till I'm asleep to get dressed. Sneaky. 62%
Had peculiar dream about Bullet Train squeezing into a too-tight tunnel. V. weird.
Really, really want to know nature of Light's underwear. Really.
L - PERSONAL LOG
Kira Investigation Day 100
Food consumed: asparagus, Twinkies (8), cheese straws, celery sticks, carrot, popsicle (orange), foot-long hot dog, French fries, coffee (8 cups).
Had craving for bananas. Weird.
Add cameras in hotel bathroom. YL sneaked off to change there, damn him.
Percentage 72%
TO DO:
Send Matsuda for "Common and Uncommon Sexual Behavior," "Kama Sutra," "Sexual Interactions."
L - PERSONAL LOG
Kira Investigation Day 101
Food consumed: coffee (16? cups) MUST STAY AWAKE!
Unfortunate side effect of cofffeee - Had to urinate repeatedly, thus missing the exact moment of Light changing into pajamas, damn it.
Question: If Light is a normal college student, why is he constantly covering his body? Would Kira be that shy? Maybe Light is deformed? Extra buttock? No genitals?
Speculation: Kira would not be shy, though Light may have deformity. Must investigate further.
YL = Kira, percentage 41%. Likelihood of deformity = 43%
NOTE: Matsuda agreed to library, but refuses to go to adult book store. Have tried bribing with money to no avail.
TO DO:
Try offering Matsuda Misa-Misa porn manip.
L - PERSONAL LOG
Kira Investigation Day 101
Forget previous entry. Caught glimpse of naked YL emerging from shower. Buttocks not deformed.
L = Kira Percentage 65%
Light's buttocks approx. 12% rounder than mine.
NOTE: Misa-Misa porn was successful as bribe.
Have learned a great deal from new books, particularly "Hot Sex," by Tracey Cox.
Also? The mangaka of "Hentai!" is one heck of a writer.
L - PERSONAL LOG
Day 104
Where is Matsuda with those DVDs I ordered? I don't care how embarrassed he is - I want to see "Frat House Fondlers 3." Will replace him on team if necessary, dammit.
Craving Polish sausage. Have no idea why.
Ordered ButtMaster from Gay Caballero Products catalogue
L - PERSONAL LOG
Day...who the fuck cares??!!!111!
Cannot stand it. MUST SEE LIGHT NAKED AGAIN UNDERWEAR!
L - PERSONAL LOG
Day 123
Have decided to add human factor to advance investigation into subject YL's underwear and the apparently large polish sausage he carries around with him in his pants ha ha ha ha ha ha
Will make the sacrifice of using myself as catalyst to advance investigation as I don't think Matsuda is up to it
L - PERSONAL LOG
Day 124
Setback: When I called Watari for information on facilitating interaction with subject YL as pertaining to nakedness and subsequent activity, he was not forthcoming with information. Instead, mumbled something about "birds and bees and sometimes boy bees like other boy bees."
Do not understand his meaning.
L - PERSONAL LOG
Day ?
Have decided to proceed with experiment even without adequate preparation.
NOTE: Must rewatch "Frat House Fondlers 3" before instituting experiment.
Food: Polish sausage. Oysters, 1 doz. Also éclairs. Am surprisingly fond of creamy filling.
L…..L….LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAWRENCE? LEONARD? LUCKY? LOUIE? LEE? LEMUEL?
WHAT THE FUCK IS HIS NAME? NOT JAPANESE - WHERE THE HELL IS HE FROM, ANYWAY? DOESN"T MATTER. I HAVE TO KILL HIM NOW!
IF FUCKING RYUK WON'T TELL ME L's REAL NAME, I'M READY TO WRITE MY OWN DAMN NAME IN THIS NOTEBOOK IF IT WOULD MEAN GETTING AWAY FROM L
SHIT!
I CAN'T STAND THIS ANY MORE! IF HE SITS THAT CLOSE TO ME AGAIN, PERVING ON ME, WITH ALL THAT HEAVY BREATHING, I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS!!!
PLUS HE'S BEEN EATING ALL THIS POLISH SAUSAGE LATELY AND HE HAS GARLIC BREATH
I'LL KILL HIM, I SWEAR, EVEN IF I HAVE TO DO IT BY BASHING HIS HEAD IN WITH ONE OF HIS FUCKING MINI-CAMERAS THAT HE DOESN'T THINK I KNOW ARE IN THE BATHROOM! THAT'D SERVE HIM RIGHT.
WAIT-
THEN THEY'LL ARREST ME AND I'LL GO TO JAIL
THAT WOULD BE FUCKING IRONIC
AAAAUUUUUGGGHHH!
LUIGI?
LUKE?
LARS?
LUDOVIC?
LESTER?
LAZARUS?
JUST SHOOT ME NOW
L - PERSONAL LOG
Day 128
He doesn't wear underwear.
AT ALL
98%
L - PERSONAL LOG
Day 129
Also? It's not a sausage.
L - PERSONAL LOG
Day 130
Damn.
He's HUGE.
THE FUCKER TOUCHED ME!!!!
DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
HE TOUCHED ME AGAIN.
REPEATEDLY
OKAY, MAYBE IT'S NOT SO BAD
L - PERSONAL LOG
Day 134
Must begin new investigation into why my ass hurts.