Spring Nicht....
Today I finally realized that I am the spitting image of my father. Which isn't a negative thing, but it certainly isn't positive. It's made me realize even more in depth of how I am an asshole to everyone around me and let certain things consume me.
Sometimes I really don't know why I'm still breathing and yet at the same time I know the exact reasons and I don't deserve them.
First of all I don't deserve Jessica, I really don't know how she's managed to stay in my life with what an asshole I've been. Honestly she's been there and that's far more than I could ever ask for. I don't know if I could hack it without her. And I'm sorry for all the shit that I've pulled over the years... I appreciate you're friendship more than anything. I really do.
I don't deserve Patricia. I don't deserve someone with such a great personality that will come and get me whenever just to act like assholes and so much more. With all the shit that I went through in tenth grade and coming out of it with this great friendship.
And lastly I don't deserve Michelle. And I'm not sure if she realizes just what she's getting herself into with me. There's really not even a word to describe her and I feel like nothing can touch me when I'm around her, like I'm invincible (which sounds so gay, but seriously) But I'm going back to that stupid little puppy thing and I don't want to put her through that. She deserves so much more than that. It's so great though because I can just look at her and she'll know what I'm thinking. I don't know. I'm getting all stupid and sappy. I'm so afraid of fucking it all up though.
I really am all over the place and it's kind of funny.
I told Howie far too much today and if he says anything to anyone else I know it's going to get fucked up in translation.
Whatever. I'm insane. Take it or leave it I guess.
It's so fucking stupid though that I have all my emotions down, I understand them, I know what triggers them, I know where they come from, I know what I can do to control them. Yet I act upon non of this. I just don't want to help myself, I want to live my life trial and error... I guess I find it more exciting that way.