Exhale
It was a sunny day. The program was river crossing. At some camp that house the engineers. Somehow when you are 19 you don't really think much. He felt uneasy. Something heavy is weighing. And he was unusually more subdued than his usual self.
The sun was unforgiving. Everyone welcomed the river crossing for some sort of cooling down though it was wading through some dirty water. Its amazing how the army can find dirty puddles to let soldiers take dips in.
And then the call came.
They didn't want to let him go off from the camp. He must go back to main camp and then book out. They were halfway through the river crossing excercise. He'd begged and begged to be released but it was no use. He went through the rest of the excercise 1/2 dazed.
The journey back to the main camp was a long ride. And he grew impatient by the second. He was flabberghasted when the sergeant insisted the fatigue work be done before he could be released. Perhaps it was retribution for he never thought much of the regimental practice. NS was not his time, it was the country's time. And he was just a contributor. After all when you were green, you give up a lot of things. But this.....
Eventually someone came to his rescue. And he scurried off still in his army fatigue.
When he arrived, the room was abuzz.
"How is it?" he asked frantically
"It doesn't look good, why don't you speak to her?"
Still reeking of smell like a longkang from river crossing, he walked into the room. And was shocked at the sight.
On the bed, was an emaciated figure beyond recognition. Flashbacks from the past.... waking up at 5am, chopping/grinding coconut and bringing to the nasi padang owner. Visitng the market, with the 1st cuz in toll. They were her 2 eldest grandchildren. He'd always wondered how grandma got her strength and energy from. Even back then, the energy level of a 9 year-old could not match and he'd waken bleary eyed to many mornings he stayed over during school holidays.
He went over and knelt by the bedside. Her eyes, were dilated. Her breathing was hard, as if every draw was the last. He felt the tears forming and he fought hard. Turning back to pretend to rub his nose.
The 1st sentence that came out from his mouth, his voice cracked. For some reason, he knew she'd find it funny. And he broke into an awkward chuckle.
He chit chatted for a while, describing the stupid river crossing and apologized for smelling like a longkang. There was no time to shower. And then when it came to the end, he told her the assuring words that dad had told him to.
And then he came out for a drink. The cousins were gathering around the walkway to the room. And suddenly, there was an exclamation.
"She's gone!"
Everyone rushed into the room.
He stood by the wall. Paralysed. This was it.
He was the last grandchild to arrive. She'd been waiting for him to come. And it's like the floodgates just crumbled. The pain, the anguish, and the knowledge that a part of his life is gone somehow form an indescribable emotion he had never felt. He'd never wailed so loud. And it got to the point where he could not catch his breath.
Sometimes, he'd dream of the day still. And he'd wake up tired even from sobbing in his dreams.
Take it easy now.
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