(no subject)
today i'm mostly feeling like crap. not really sure why. feeling a bit sorry for myself and that. actually, i have a good reason to feel sorry for myself, i'm slowly but surely killing myself. not with all the free alcohol of late, but with the applications to law firms. hell knows i don't want to be a lawyer, but the only other idea i have is some flouncy idea that wouldn't work anyway. or at least i don't believe enough in it yet, and i'm too scared to take a risk. i just want a life where i can curl up on a comfy sofa in front of a fire and read good books in the winter, and laze on a beach having barbecues by day and bonfires by night in the summer. i'm just hoping that somehow i can use a law degree to ultimately do that.
i haven't had much time to myself recently, and when i have i haven't enjoyed it. since getting that damned job over summer i've been finding free time something of a chore, and so am slowly but surely tiring myself out through work and societies and parties. and i'm going to add some volunteering to my routine too.
i'm also having a bit of a problem interacting with people too. a problem i'm not exactly alien to, but this is different. i've mastered the art of inane chit chat, but it makes me incredibly bored. but worse than that, i keep getting myself into stupid situations. like today some guy from my course asked me on a date and i sort of went "urrrh..yeah well i've wanted to try that restaurant for a while, but i won't be free until at least next week". all true, but wasn't the best response really. i just hate having to follow up the inane conversations with friendships. students here are just so ... 2 dimensional. cartoon versions of students, obsessed with money and alcohol, so i've found myself having more and more conversations but feeling increasingly, dizzyingly lonely.
although i have met a guy i like. i'm slightly reassured by the fact that my housemate knows him as well as i do (not very)...and knows i like him, and hasn't said any of the usual "ok kate, well just be careful and don't get hurt" nonsense that she normally feels compelled to say to me when i start liking someone. because, i admit, i'm drawn to the dramatic/traumatic kind of relationships, and surprisingly enough that hasn't worked out so well. still, it's sort of heartening to know that when i told my on/off fuck buddy this summer that i didn't want to be his fuck buddy anymore he seemed to take the news quite badly, as i've heard from him almost every single day since as he's suffering from a serious case of wanting-what-he-can't-have-itis.
and also, it's weird that it's october already. i really feel like i missed out on having a summer this year. although i did have one perfect day of summer in wollaton park, with a picnic and frisbee playing and frolicking around the lake and everything.
so now that i've got that out of my system (admitting to being lonely is a horrible thing to do, isn't it?) hopefully i'll get some sleep and will tomorrow wake up refreshed, ready to take on a day in the library. oh the joys of a law degree....
i haven't had much time to myself recently, and when i have i haven't enjoyed it. since getting that damned job over summer i've been finding free time something of a chore, and so am slowly but surely tiring myself out through work and societies and parties. and i'm going to add some volunteering to my routine too.
i'm also having a bit of a problem interacting with people too. a problem i'm not exactly alien to, but this is different. i've mastered the art of inane chit chat, but it makes me incredibly bored. but worse than that, i keep getting myself into stupid situations. like today some guy from my course asked me on a date and i sort of went "urrrh..yeah well i've wanted to try that restaurant for a while, but i won't be free until at least next week". all true, but wasn't the best response really. i just hate having to follow up the inane conversations with friendships. students here are just so ... 2 dimensional. cartoon versions of students, obsessed with money and alcohol, so i've found myself having more and more conversations but feeling increasingly, dizzyingly lonely.
although i have met a guy i like. i'm slightly reassured by the fact that my housemate knows him as well as i do (not very)...and knows i like him, and hasn't said any of the usual "ok kate, well just be careful and don't get hurt" nonsense that she normally feels compelled to say to me when i start liking someone. because, i admit, i'm drawn to the dramatic/traumatic kind of relationships, and surprisingly enough that hasn't worked out so well. still, it's sort of heartening to know that when i told my on/off fuck buddy this summer that i didn't want to be his fuck buddy anymore he seemed to take the news quite badly, as i've heard from him almost every single day since as he's suffering from a serious case of wanting-what-he-can't-have-itis.
and also, it's weird that it's october already. i really feel like i missed out on having a summer this year. although i did have one perfect day of summer in wollaton park, with a picnic and frisbee playing and frolicking around the lake and everything.
so now that i've got that out of my system (admitting to being lonely is a horrible thing to do, isn't it?) hopefully i'll get some sleep and will tomorrow wake up refreshed, ready to take on a day in the library. oh the joys of a law degree....