(no subject)
Alright I'm going to be optomisitic about this.
So. people like me, and I don't like it.
Weird, huh?
But I don't want anyone to like me except...
Blah so obvious I shouldn't even have to say it.
I'm not sure how things are going to turn out.
Three of them?
what am I going to do!
If it makes the group awkward I'm going to die.
It will be all my fault haha
And I feel bad for them I mean.
I feel bad for anyone that likes me.
I'm hopelessly stuck on someone already,
and even though it's never going to happen,
I'm going to stay stuck for a little while more.
It's getting a lot better, but when it comes to that point where I ask myself, "Do I really have feelings for this kid more than friends?" It's always no. because I'm not capable of having feelings for them. I'm always looking at guys, wanting one to come and just sweep me up. save me. but whenever something gets started I just. Can't. Can't get into it. can't commit. Because I'm already committed. To the one person who won't give me the time of day.
I'm not sure how much more I can take.
How much sadness I can keep hiding.
I don't know how much more I can handle.
The tightning feeling I get in my chest.
The feeling of my heart like, constricting and aching.
The feeling of just sadness. regret. depression. denial.
Rejection.
And you would think it would fade, get easier, it's been months.
Months since new years.
New years I had it all and still I was scared.
I made my first mistake minutes after 2008 had started.
I stood there, not even a foot from him.
And he loved me. I loved him.
And I just wanted to stay there for so long.
And then I turned and walked away quickly.
So scared.
And he was the one person I should have never been scared of.
And since then 2008 has been one big mistake.
Everything, a mistake.
sure amazing things have happened!
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with my friends and my life.
I made so many new friends that are awesome.
But no matter how many new ones I get it won't ever make up for the one I lost.
So dramatic blah blah.
And these guys won't leave me alone!
I try so hard to just accept them and get to know them
to give them a chance
and I can't everything about them is wrong they're not him!
And I don't even get what they see in me.
I never get what people see in me.
blah blah
We were so perfect.
and I'm done making mistakes.
Now it's his choice.
I'm here and hes done with me.
Like, I know one day it will hit him.
How he had me, and rejected me just like I rejected him.
Yet, he could have fixed it. and he didn't.
He tried, well, is trying to just get back at me. protect himself sub conciously.
And seriously.
Get over it and love me already.
I'll never love someone like this.
Well, I may love more. or less.
But nothing will be the same.
Haha I like talked myself out of my bad mood.
Which is good, it's what this is here for.
yeah?
Like, I'm done being in denial.
I was for so long and it just hurt.
So hey
I love him.
always will o0o0o0o shocker
And like dude cool.
Hopefully, I'll be able to move on soon.
And get out of this weird like limbo I'm in.
I need two things. For someone to pull me out, or for him to pull me back in.
Either way this in between thing just ain't working.
haha ah.
I should be happy you know.
Some people don't even get to have the experience of having a friendship like ours. like yeah it was flawed but man, we ruled. for a time. and in a way we still do cuz hes still nick frederico and im still alex marchioni and we were amazing together, and maybe were just as amazing apart but who knows.
am I even making sense?
Whatever.
I don't even care if the whole world knows this.
I love him!
And he doesn't believe me and I'm oddly ok with that.
Ok with the fact that I told him how I felt, and gave him the choice to take it or leave it.
He decided to leave it.
What am I going to do?
Go cry and cut in a corner?
No.
Because I'm better than that, I'm stronger than that.
And that's one thing this mistake has taught me.
I am strong. In my own way.
So now that this rambling is done.
I have to go get ready for work.
I hope to look on this a couple months from now and be like
well said Alexandiaaaa well said.
haha I'm so lame.
So. people like me, and I don't like it.
Weird, huh?
But I don't want anyone to like me except...
Blah so obvious I shouldn't even have to say it.
I'm not sure how things are going to turn out.
Three of them?
what am I going to do!
If it makes the group awkward I'm going to die.
It will be all my fault haha
And I feel bad for them I mean.
I feel bad for anyone that likes me.
I'm hopelessly stuck on someone already,
and even though it's never going to happen,
I'm going to stay stuck for a little while more.
It's getting a lot better, but when it comes to that point where I ask myself, "Do I really have feelings for this kid more than friends?" It's always no. because I'm not capable of having feelings for them. I'm always looking at guys, wanting one to come and just sweep me up. save me. but whenever something gets started I just. Can't. Can't get into it. can't commit. Because I'm already committed. To the one person who won't give me the time of day.
I'm not sure how much more I can take.
How much sadness I can keep hiding.
I don't know how much more I can handle.
The tightning feeling I get in my chest.
The feeling of my heart like, constricting and aching.
The feeling of just sadness. regret. depression. denial.
Rejection.
And you would think it would fade, get easier, it's been months.
Months since new years.
New years I had it all and still I was scared.
I made my first mistake minutes after 2008 had started.
I stood there, not even a foot from him.
And he loved me. I loved him.
And I just wanted to stay there for so long.
And then I turned and walked away quickly.
So scared.
And he was the one person I should have never been scared of.
And since then 2008 has been one big mistake.
Everything, a mistake.
sure amazing things have happened!
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with my friends and my life.
I made so many new friends that are awesome.
But no matter how many new ones I get it won't ever make up for the one I lost.
So dramatic blah blah.
And these guys won't leave me alone!
I try so hard to just accept them and get to know them
to give them a chance
and I can't everything about them is wrong they're not him!
And I don't even get what they see in me.
I never get what people see in me.
blah blah
We were so perfect.
and I'm done making mistakes.
Now it's his choice.
I'm here and hes done with me.
Like, I know one day it will hit him.
How he had me, and rejected me just like I rejected him.
Yet, he could have fixed it. and he didn't.
He tried, well, is trying to just get back at me. protect himself sub conciously.
And seriously.
Get over it and love me already.
I'll never love someone like this.
Well, I may love more. or less.
But nothing will be the same.
Haha I like talked myself out of my bad mood.
Which is good, it's what this is here for.
yeah?
Like, I'm done being in denial.
I was for so long and it just hurt.
So hey
I love him.
always will o0o0o0o shocker
And like dude cool.
Hopefully, I'll be able to move on soon.
And get out of this weird like limbo I'm in.
I need two things. For someone to pull me out, or for him to pull me back in.
Either way this in between thing just ain't working.
haha ah.
I should be happy you know.
Some people don't even get to have the experience of having a friendship like ours. like yeah it was flawed but man, we ruled. for a time. and in a way we still do cuz hes still nick frederico and im still alex marchioni and we were amazing together, and maybe were just as amazing apart but who knows.
am I even making sense?
Whatever.
I don't even care if the whole world knows this.
I love him!
And he doesn't believe me and I'm oddly ok with that.
Ok with the fact that I told him how I felt, and gave him the choice to take it or leave it.
He decided to leave it.
What am I going to do?
Go cry and cut in a corner?
No.
Because I'm better than that, I'm stronger than that.
And that's one thing this mistake has taught me.
I am strong. In my own way.
So now that this rambling is done.
I have to go get ready for work.
I hope to look on this a couple months from now and be like
well said Alexandiaaaa well said.
haha I'm so lame.