Hi there
Hello, I'm new to this livejournal site and this community and I just wanted to say hi by posting my first ever slash story. Although new to this pairing it is my favorite in fandom now. Please enjoy. Thanks.
Title: Pensieve
Author: booknerd_miss
Rating: PG
Warnings: Pre - slash
Beta: Me, so excuse mistakes
Notes: This is my first ever slash story, please go easy on me. I hope that I haven't murdered thier characters too badly. Please excuse my mistakes.
Harry glanced over as the door to the bedroom he was occupying at Number 12 Grimmauld Place opened, letting light from the hallway flood the otherwise dark room. He was curled up under the blankets that were pulled up to his chin, his back facing the door and his knees pulled towards his chest. His eyes were red - rimmed and glassy as he tried to prevent the tears that so wanted to come.
Without his glasses Harry could only see the vague, blurry outline of someone standing in his doorway, a large object clutched to their chest. He frowned and grabbed his spectacles from the bedside table, turning completely over and sliding the frames onto his face as he sat up.
“I’m sorry to wake you,” came the husky tone of his former Defense Against the Dark Arts professor.
“I wasn’t sleeping,” Harry replied. Remus stepped into the room, closing the door securely behind him before walking towards the bed. Harry slid over and watched as placed down what he was carrying on the bed before pulling out his wand and lighting the candles that were around the room, casting a locking charm on the door as well. He turned back to Harry; his amber eyes lined with dark circles that made him look paler than usual, silver streaked light brown hair falling around his head in disarray.
“Harry,” he said quietly, his eyes flicking down to the object he had set down. Following his gaze Harry saw an elaborately carved stone basin with intricate runes filled with a swirling silver liquid that shone in the flickering light that bathed the room.
“A pensieve?” Harry whispered, looking up at the man in front of him. Remus nodded.
“Albus gave it to me; he seemed to think that it may help me with my grief over what happened at the end of this year,” he said almost silently, looking away from the boy - who - lived for a few moments before turning his golden gaze back. “I want to share my memories with you.”
Harry furrowed his brow. “Professor?”
“Please Harry, call me Remus,” he was corrected with a tender smile. “I haven’t been your teacher since your third year.”
“Right, sorry,” Harry said, shifting under the blankets. They were quiet for a few beats before Harry spoke again. “What d’you mean you want to share your memories with me?”
“I want to show you your parents and Sirius,” he responded. “I want you to finally know them.” Harry’s breath caught in his throat, his emerald eyes widening in surprise as he realized what Remus was offering him.
“Are you sure?” A soft smile was sent his way and Remus sat down next to him on the bed, taking the hand that was resting on top of the duvet in his.
“Of course I am.” Prodding the swirling liquid he was pulled inside the depths with Harry clutching his hand tightly.
*
“Is that you?” Harry asked when they landed in a memory. They were standing in a compartment of the Hogwarts Express, the sunlight shining through the window and onto the book the young boy occupying the room was reading. The boy was dressed in a pair of tan trousers and a blue and white checkered shirt, his light brown hair curled around his ears and falling into his eyes. He had a nervous air about him, shifting restlessly and glancing up from his book every few moments.
“Yes,” Remus said, still holding onto Harry’s hand. “This is my first ride to Hogwarts, where I met James and Sirius.”
“You look so small,” Harry remarked, looking up at the man that the boy would become. He caught Harry’s gaze and gave him a gentle smile.
“I was only eleven,” he said, his smile turning into a smirk when Harry’s cheek became dusted with a dark red flush.
“What were you reading?” the younger wizard asked, trying to hide his embarrassment.
“A muggle book called Alice in Wonderland; I actually wasn’t reading as much as staring,” Remus chuckled. The sounds of students boarding intensified, the train whistle blaring loudly and there was clambering in the corridors as the children tried to find a place to sit. The door to the compartment slid open and Harry turned, his breath catching in his throat.
In front of him stood Sirius, his grey eyes instantly locking on Remus, who had looked up when the door opened. Amber eyes shone apprehensively at the dark haired boy who was looking at him curiously. “Who’re you?” Sirius asked, stepping into the compartment.
“Remus Lupin,” the boy replied quietly, rising from his seat. “And you are?”
“Sirius,” was the simple reply as he threw himself in the seat across from where Remus had been. Harry stared at his godfather in awe, his face smooth and lightly tanned, his dark locks trimmed neatly and dressed in a simple black T - shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans. He could feel the tears burning at his eyes and he clutched Remus’ hand tighter, receiving a reassuring squeeze from the older man in response.
“I’ve never heard of the Lupin family before,” Sirius was saying. “Are you a pureblood?”
“No,” Remus said, sitting back down. “My mother is a muggle. Is that a problem?”
“Not to me,” Sirius said with a nonchalant shrug. “Do you mind if I sit here? I’m waiting for a friend of mine.”
“No, I don’t mind,” Remus said instantly, picking up his book from the cushions and beginning to read once more. The two of them were silent for a few minutes before Sirius grew fidgety and spoke up.
“What’re you reading?” Remus looked up, surprised.
“Oh . . . Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll.” Sirius frowned and shrugged once more.
“Never heard of it.”
“It’s quite interesting; if you want to read it I’ll lend it to you.”
“That’s alright, I wouldn’t read it,” the dark haired boy said with a grin. Remus gave a hesitant smile before turning back to his book, only to be interrupted again. “Are you a first year?”
“Yes, are you?”
“Yea; I’m glad to be getting away from my parents for awhile,” Sirius said, slouching in the seat and stretching his legs out in front of him, crossing his hands over his stomach.
“You’re not at all nervous?”
“Not really; I’ve been around wizarding things all my life so what do I have to worry about?” Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Are you nervous?” Remus pinked.
“Yes.” Before more could be said the compartment door slid open again and Harry gasped, a tear sliding unbidden from his eye when he saw his father standing in the doorway.
“Sirius, I’ve been wondering where you got to,” James Potter said with a bright smile. His eyes flicked over to Remus as he walked into room, sliding the door closed behind him. “Hello, James Potter,” he said, holding his hand out to the young werewolf. Remus took his hand and shook.
“Remus Lupin.”
“Are you alright, Harry?” the grown Remus asked, looking down at the young man next to him. Harry’s eyes flicked up to him, the emerald irises clouded with tears and pain. “Do you want to leave?”
“Can we see another memory?” Harry whispered, surprising the man.
“Of course. Anything interesting that you have in mind?”
“I want to see when you met my mum.”
“Alright.”
*
The Hogwarts library was practically the same as it was in Harry’s time; towering bookshelves jammed full of tomes, desks spaced throughout the room and torches flickering on the walls. The only difference was the students sitting in the desks and browsing through the many volumes.
Remus was sitting at one of the tables in the back of the library, three books opened and overlapping each other, a pile of closed books near his hand upon which there was a bottle of ink. He was hunched over a roll of parchment with a quill clutched tightly in one hand, his book bag leaning against his chair and open, his fingers tapping nervously on the wooden table as he jotted down his answers.
Harry smiled softly when he saw the boy studying, his robes discarded on the back of his chair and the sleeves of his white shirt unbuttoned and rolled up past his elbows. He watched as the hand that was tapping on the table ran through the light brown hair, staying hidden in the locks as he placed his elbow on the table and leaned against his hand, pulling his quill from the parchment to run the tip of the feather over his lips as he wondered what to write next.
A soft cough drew Harry’s attention from the boy and they both looked up at the small red - haired girl that was standing next to the table, a bag slung over her shoulder and a book held to her chest with one arm. Harry stared at his mother; her hair was down to her shoulders, her eyes; his eyes; were shining brightly at Remus. “Hello,” she whispered, “I was wondering if I could share the table with you?”
“Of course,” Remus said, moving his ink well off the books he wasn’t using before stuffing them in his bag. Lily placed her bag on the table, setting the book that she was carrying down next to it before plopping down in the chair next to Remus.
“I’m Lily; you’re a Gryffindor, aren’t you? In my year?”
“Yes, my name’s Remus.” Lily smiled.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Remus. What are you working on?”
“The essay for Transfiguration,” he answered and the red head beamed.
“I was just about to work on that as well; shall we do it together?” Remus smiled shyly.
“I’d like that.”
“Mum was always nice, wasn’t she?” Harry asked, watching as the two at the table slid their chairs closer together and began to compare notes, opening books and pointing out passages.
“Yes she was,” Remus answered, sliding a comforting arm around the younger wizard’s shoulders. Harry leaned into him, feeling warmth invade his body and his heart flutter softly at the werewolf’s gentle touch. He pushed his feelings away and looked up at the man.
“May I see another memory?”
“Of course Harry, what would you like to see?”
“I dunno . . . anything you want to show me is fine, really.” Remus smiled.
*
They had landed in the Gryffindor boys’ dormitory and Remus was in his bed sleeping, turned on his side and faced away from where they were standing. At the moment he rolled over onto his back and Harry’s breath caught in his throat; the Remus in this memory looked older, almost his age, and was broader and slightly more tanned, his hair disheveled as he slept peacefully, one arm thrown across his eyes and the other resting gently on his stomach.
“What’s this memory?” Harry asked quietly. Remus smiled down at him, giving his shoulders a squeeze.
“Watch.” Harry stared at the young man in the bed, feeling his face heat at the strange beauty young Remus seemed to emanate. Glancing up at the man he was leaning on he saw the same beauty, only it was tarnished with pain; loneliness and sadness that only added to his tragic beauty. Harry’s heart thudded against his chest.
The door to the dormitory opened and Sirius and James appeared, grinning wildly. Harry watched as Sirius gestured to the serenely dozing Remus before dashing towards the four poster, taking a flying leap and transforming into a giant black dog just before he landed heavily on Remus.
“UGH!” the werewolf shouted, his eyes snapping open as he sat up, staring with incredulous eyes at the dog that was resting on his lap. He frowned, turning to look over at the doorway where James stood, closing and locking the door before turning to look at the young man on the bed, beaming.
“James,” Remus said, trying to shove the dog off of him. Sirius would have none of it and he growled playfully, placing his front paws on Remus’s shoulders and licking sloppily at his cheeks, tail thumping against the sheets. “Where did this dog come from?” he asked, trying to push the animal away. James smiled cheekily and Remus narrowed his eyes. “What have you done?”
The dog let out a loud bark that had both of the other boys shushing him instantly and in the next moment Sirius was straddling Remus, a large grin on his handsome face. Remus yelped and would have fallen out of the bed if Sirius hadn’t been sitting on his legs. “SIRIUS?!” he gasped loudly, amber eyes wide with shock. “W - what?” James and Sirius roared with laughter at the look on their friend’s face, Sirius falling backwards onto the bed and clutching his stomach and James gripping the post of a nearby bed.
“Remus,” Sirius said in between his giggles, “you should have seen your face.” Remus, who had been wiping the slobber off of his face left by Sirius, looked up with a glare.
“What have you two done?”
“Not just us two, Peter as well,” James said, flopping down next to his two best friends.
“We’ve become animagus,” Sirius said proudly.
“I can see that,” Remus growled. “Why ever would you risk something so dangerous? I’m certain you didn’t go to Professor McGonagall for help.”
“’Course not!” Sirius said with a scoff. “We did it on our own.”
“Why?!”
“Why else?” James said with a smile. “So we could be with you during the full moon.” Remus’s breath caught in his throat as he stared at his two friends.
“Why would you do that for me?”
“Because we love you,” Sirius said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“Did you love him?” Harry whispered, looking up at his former professor.
“I loved them both,” Remus said, turning his face down to Harry.
“That isn’t the way I - erm - meant it,” Harry replied, his cheeks going pink. Remus flushed.
“I see,” he murmured. “I loved Sirius, yes, but I wasn’t in love with him.”
“Was he in love with you?”
“Why do you ask?”
“I dunno . . . it just seems like he loved you; he said he did.”
“He said that both your father and he loved me.”
“Well, yes but . . .” Remus chuckled and kissed the top of his unruly hair.
“Where to next, Harry?”
*
“Are you sure that you’re okay with me seeing this?” Harry asked. He could feel Remus tense against his side and he slid his arms hesitantly around the werewolf’s slim waist, feeling the older man relax into his embrace and pull him closer.
“Yes,” he answered. “I’m just a little self conscious about anyone seeing me change.”
“I understand,” Harry whispered. The side of Remus’s mouth lifted in a half smile.
“I know you do; if anyone would understand it would be you.”
“What change is this?” Harry whispered after a few moments of silence.
“This is the first one that the others accompanied me on,” Remus said. Harry glanced up at him.
“Would it be alright if I saw your first change after this?” The older man was quiet for a few moments before he nodded.
“Yes, I’ll share that one with you.”
“Thank you.”
The door to the Shrieking Shack opened and Harry watched as Remus came in escorted by Madam Pomfrey. She was holding a pile of clothing, which she walked over to an old chest and placed carefully inside and he was wrapped in a warm wool blanket, his body shivering and a slight sheen of sweat visible on his face.
“How are you doing, Remus?” the nurse asked compassionately, brushing the tawny hair softly out of his face after he sat on the floor. Remus shuddered and recoiled from the touch as if it were painful and whimpered in reply. A squeak from the corner of the room caught their attention and they saw a large grey rat sitting there, sniffing around and glancing at them curiously. Poppy shuddered slightly before turning back to the boy wrapped in the blanket.
“I’ll leave you now, yes? Just after sunrise I’ll come and collect you.” With a last smile she turned and strode from the room, closing the door securely behind her. Remus watched, shuddering, as the rat scurried from the room and he sat by himself for a moment, feeling the sweat trickle down his temple and his back. He let out a piteous moan, clenching his eyes shut and rocking back and forth in nervousness.
The distinct noise of footsteps shuffling outside the door made Remus gasp and tense, trying desperately to move as far away from the door as he could, watching as it opened and James and Sirius came in, followed by the rat that had run from the room.
“Wh - what are you guys doing here?” Remus stuttered. “You could get hurt! You have to leave, now!”
“No worries, Remus,” Sirius said with a bright smile, throwing himself onto the rickety bed that dominated the center of the room. “We have a special ability, remember?”
James fiddled with his watch for a few moments, settling himself down on the dusty floor. “I’ve set the alarm so that we can leave before Pomfrey comes to collect you - we’ll just look like animals running across the grounds.”
“Please,” Remus begged, gripping the blanket so tight in his hands that his knuckles turned white. His voice was rough and his amber eyes seemed to be lit from the inside, shimmering with a feral gold as the moon called to the wolf hidden in him. “Leave.” His friends were silent as they watched him, their eyes clouded with concern as the rat squeaked frighteningly and scuttled across the floor to hide behind James.
Remus shouted, throwing his head back and clenching his eyes shut, the blanket falling from his grasp and revealing pale, scarred flesh. Harry let his breath out quietly as he clung tighter to the man he was holding. He was squeezed back in response. “I’ve never seen it like this before,” Remus admitted quietly. “I’ve always just experienced it.”
“We should change, Padfoot,” James whispered, using the new name for his friend even though his eyes were transfixed on the convulsing boy in front of him.
“Right,” Sirius breathed before shifting seamlessly into the large black dog. James changed into his stag, the regal animal laying on the floor and watching as Remus fell forward so that he was resting on his hands and knees, his body heaving. He screamed loudly, his fingers clenching and his hair falling into his face and Harry watched again as his former professor transformed into a large grey wolf.
Moony sniffed, turning to look at the three animals with a growl. Padfoot whined, laying down and looking up with soft slate eyes. The wolf sniffed, ears twitching curiously and Harry glanced up at Remus. “What were you thinking?”
“I can’t remember much since it was before the Wolfsbane, but I think it was ‘Mine. My pack, my friends, don’t harm them.’” Harry nodded and turned back, watching as Moony and Padfoot rolled around happily together, Prongs stamping his hooves in excitement and Wormtail, situated on the stag’s head, squeaked in joy.
“Do you want to see my first change now?” Remus asked. Harry frowned and was still for a few moments. “Not right now, there’s something else I want to see first.”
“What?”
“My parent’s wedding.”
*
“Moony, what are you doing out there?” James asked, bright smile lighting up his features. He was dressed in a crisp black tuxedo, his ebony locks as unruly as ever and his eyes dancing with happiness behind his glasses. He was gesturing to Remus, who was hovering in the background with some of the other guests, hands stuffed in the pockets of his dark brown suit, his tawny hair falling into his eyes as he shuffled from one foot to the other.
“Come here, Remus,” Lily said, waving him forwards with her bouquet. She looked a vision in a pure white off the shoulder dress, her red curls flowing gently over her slim shoulders.
“She looked beautiful, didn’t she?” Remus whispered. Harry nodded absently, watching as the younger version of Remus shuffled forward bashfully and slid an arm around James’ waist, smiling softly at the photographer.
“You did too,” he added, glancing up. Surprised amber eyes locked with hesitant emerald green and they were tense for a few beats before Remus smiled.
“Thank you,” Remus said, brushing some of Harry’s hair from his forehead. He caressed the lightening scar on his forehead gently, his brows furrowing as he stared at it. “It’s amazing to me,” he said quietly.
“What?” Harry breathed, his heart thudding painfully and his pulse fluttering wildly from the touch.
“No matter how much you look like your father, you’re so different from him,” he answered, dropping his hand and smiling down at the dark haired boy. Harry grinned back, turning to look at the memory once more and watching as his mother and father danced slowly, hands laced together as they turned in place. Soon other couples came onto the floor and Harry laughed as he watched Sirius tug a struggling Remus out, wrapping the thrashing lycanthrope in his arms and twirling exaggeratingly around until they were next to the newlyweds.
The memory slowly dissolved and Harry turned back at Remus. “Can I see your first transformation now?”
“Yes, but there is something you should see before that.”
*
“Remus, make sure you stay in the yard, alright Love?” A petite woman called from the doorway of a quaint cottage. She had the same tawny hair Remus had and it was pulled into a French braid, a white apron pulled over her blue dress.
“Okay,” a little Remus said, smiling a bright little kid’s smile at his mother.
“I’ll call you in when supper’s ready,” Mrs. Lupin finished, going back into the house and closing the door behind her. Little Remus, who looked about six with bright eyes and chubby cheeks, dawdled over to a small sandbox situated near the white picket fence that surrounded the property, climbing in and reaching for the shovel and pail that was sitting in the sand.
Harry watched as the little boy played, the shadows lengthening as the sun began to set. The gate opened and he saw a man with dark brown hair and Remus’s eyes step through, a large smile lighting his face when he saw the boy in the sandbox.
“Remy!” he called and Remus turned, beamed, and abandoned his toys and ran towards him.
“Daddy!” he called, giggling with joy as his dad swooped him into his arms raised him into the air, swinging him around before bringing him back to his chest.
“What are you doing out here? Where’s mommy?”
“Cooking,” Remus answered, squirming in the embrace. His father set him down and Remus tugged at his hand, pulling him over to the play box.
“What have you got here, Remy?”
“Will you help me build a sandcastle?” Remus asked. His dad smiled brightly and mussed his hair.
“Of course.” Pulling out his wand the two of them set to work, building an elaborate castle with the help of magic. Night fell, the moon rising high and full as they worked, and Harry suddenly had a horrible feeling as he watched, eyes flicking around to the trees that surrounded the property, the light breeze rustling the leaves. He swallowed heavily.
“John,” Mrs. Lupin called from the doorway of the house. Remus’s father looked up and smiled, waving to his wife. “When did you get home dear?”
“A bit ago, I’ve just been building a sandcastle with Remy,” he answered, standing and brushing off his robes. Remus stood up next to him, taking his father’s hand and following him as they headed towards the house.
A growl sounded, low and menacing and John tensed, scanning the trees around the house. “Daddy?” Remus asked when his dad stopped, gripping his wand tightly in his hand.
“Remus, go to your mum. Amy, you and Remy get in the house and lock the doors,” he instructed, pushing his son towards where his wife was. Confused, he followed his dad’s words, heading towards his mom when the wolf burst from between the trees, fur bristling and hackles raised, yellow eyes insane and rimmed with red. Remus fell backwards and landed on his bottom, staring up in terror at the creature bearing down at him, saliva dripping from sharp, evil teeth that glinted in the moonlight.
“Remy!” Amy cried, rushing forward.
“Amy, NO!” John shouted before shouting a disarming curse at the werewolf. The animal went flying and he rushed forward, yanking his son up by the arm as the family bounded towards the house, desperate to get inside.
With a howl the werewolf slammed into John, sending the man thudding to the ground in a daze and Remus tumbling from his grasp. Amy turned, screaming as she watched the werewolf sink its teeth into her son’s side.
“REMUS!” Harry shouted, his heartbeat thundering in his ears as he watched the animal shake its head, the frail little boy shrieking in his jaws before tossing him off to the side like a rag doll.
“No, Remus!” Mrs. Lupin sobbed, running to her son and collapsing next to him, uncaring of the snarling animal that stared at her, muzzle wet with her baby’s blood. John moaned, crawling over to his family and pointing his wand at the wolf that jumped back over the fence and disappeared into the night before he could do anything.
Harry stood next to the boy lying in the grass, pain filled moans coming from his lips and tears streaking down his flushed cheeks. “Amy, go to the fire place and Floo St. Mungos,” Mr. Lupin said, brushing the tawny hair from his son’s forehead. “Now. GO!” His mother stood and rushed to the house, crying loudly.
“Hold on Remy,” John whispered his voice distant as the memory blurred into another. Harry turned, looking at his former professor who stood quietly behind him, hands behind his back and eyes downcast.
“Remus,” he breathed, going over to him and wrapping his arms around the man’s waist. The werewolf melted into his embrace, sliding his arms around his shoulders and burying his face in the unruly jet black hair. “I’m so sorry.”
“It was a long time ago,” the man replied. “There wasn’t anything anyone could do.” He kissed the top of the younger boy’s head. “I’ll show you my first change now.”
*
“Daddy? Why was mommy crying? Why do I have to go into this big cage?” Little Remus asked curiously, looking up at his dad with wide curious and trusting eyes.
“Mommy just doesn’t feel good right now, Remus,” his dad responded, closing the door to the large cage that his son was in. He padlocked it, pulled out his wand and added a strong locking charm to the already warded bars. He looked down at his son, his blue eyes tearing as he thought about what his little boy was going to go through.
“Daddy, you’re crying too,” Remus observed. “Why?” He was wrapped in a blanket, shivering in the cold air in the dark room that they were in.
“I’m so sorry Remy,” his dad whispered, falling to his knees and grabbing onto the bars, resting his forehead against them as the tears skidded down his cheeks. “I’m so sorry that I couldn’t protect you.”
He watched as his son jerked, his face turning red as he began to tremble. “I don’t feel very good, Daddy. Can I go lie down?” There was no answer as he fell to his knees, crying as pain pooled in his abdomen and spread out, ripping through his body and making him scream.
Harry watched as the little boy curled into his self, convulsing on the floor as his limbs lengthened, his screams changing to howls as his face changed shape and a muzzle grew, grey fur sprouting, a long tail emerging. His dad sat back as the wolf growled and snarled, amber eyes feral as he slammed his body against the bars of the cage again and again. “I’m so sorry, Remy,” he moaned, burying his face in his hands and sobbing as he listened to the howl that echoed around him.
“Are you ready to go back?” Remus asked and Harry nodded, feeling the pull as they were lifted from the memory and ended up back on his bed at Grimmauld Place.
*
“Are you alright, Harry?” Remus watched as Harry sat propped up against the headboard, his knees drawn to his chest and his arms wrapped around them as he stared at nothing.
“It isn’t fair,” the young man answered after an extended silence.
“What isn’t fair?”
“What happened to you.” He turned sad emerald eyes onto the man in front of him. Remus gave him a slightly bitter smile in response.
“Life isn’t fair,” he said. “If it was you would still have your parents and Sirius.”
“So would you,” Harry whispered.
“Yes,” Remus said just as quietly, looking towards the floor. Silence fell again, the torches casting flickering shadows across the two on the bed, the creaking sounds of the house settling echoing around them.
Title: Pensieve
Author: booknerd_miss
Rating: PG
Warnings: Pre - slash
Beta: Me, so excuse mistakes
Notes: This is my first ever slash story, please go easy on me. I hope that I haven't murdered thier characters too badly. Please excuse my mistakes.
Harry glanced over as the door to the bedroom he was occupying at Number 12 Grimmauld Place opened, letting light from the hallway flood the otherwise dark room. He was curled up under the blankets that were pulled up to his chin, his back facing the door and his knees pulled towards his chest. His eyes were red - rimmed and glassy as he tried to prevent the tears that so wanted to come.
Without his glasses Harry could only see the vague, blurry outline of someone standing in his doorway, a large object clutched to their chest. He frowned and grabbed his spectacles from the bedside table, turning completely over and sliding the frames onto his face as he sat up.
“I’m sorry to wake you,” came the husky tone of his former Defense Against the Dark Arts professor.
“I wasn’t sleeping,” Harry replied. Remus stepped into the room, closing the door securely behind him before walking towards the bed. Harry slid over and watched as placed down what he was carrying on the bed before pulling out his wand and lighting the candles that were around the room, casting a locking charm on the door as well. He turned back to Harry; his amber eyes lined with dark circles that made him look paler than usual, silver streaked light brown hair falling around his head in disarray.
“Harry,” he said quietly, his eyes flicking down to the object he had set down. Following his gaze Harry saw an elaborately carved stone basin with intricate runes filled with a swirling silver liquid that shone in the flickering light that bathed the room.
“A pensieve?” Harry whispered, looking up at the man in front of him. Remus nodded.
“Albus gave it to me; he seemed to think that it may help me with my grief over what happened at the end of this year,” he said almost silently, looking away from the boy - who - lived for a few moments before turning his golden gaze back. “I want to share my memories with you.”
Harry furrowed his brow. “Professor?”
“Please Harry, call me Remus,” he was corrected with a tender smile. “I haven’t been your teacher since your third year.”
“Right, sorry,” Harry said, shifting under the blankets. They were quiet for a few beats before Harry spoke again. “What d’you mean you want to share your memories with me?”
“I want to show you your parents and Sirius,” he responded. “I want you to finally know them.” Harry’s breath caught in his throat, his emerald eyes widening in surprise as he realized what Remus was offering him.
“Are you sure?” A soft smile was sent his way and Remus sat down next to him on the bed, taking the hand that was resting on top of the duvet in his.
“Of course I am.” Prodding the swirling liquid he was pulled inside the depths with Harry clutching his hand tightly.
*
“Is that you?” Harry asked when they landed in a memory. They were standing in a compartment of the Hogwarts Express, the sunlight shining through the window and onto the book the young boy occupying the room was reading. The boy was dressed in a pair of tan trousers and a blue and white checkered shirt, his light brown hair curled around his ears and falling into his eyes. He had a nervous air about him, shifting restlessly and glancing up from his book every few moments.
“Yes,” Remus said, still holding onto Harry’s hand. “This is my first ride to Hogwarts, where I met James and Sirius.”
“You look so small,” Harry remarked, looking up at the man that the boy would become. He caught Harry’s gaze and gave him a gentle smile.
“I was only eleven,” he said, his smile turning into a smirk when Harry’s cheek became dusted with a dark red flush.
“What were you reading?” the younger wizard asked, trying to hide his embarrassment.
“A muggle book called Alice in Wonderland; I actually wasn’t reading as much as staring,” Remus chuckled. The sounds of students boarding intensified, the train whistle blaring loudly and there was clambering in the corridors as the children tried to find a place to sit. The door to the compartment slid open and Harry turned, his breath catching in his throat.
In front of him stood Sirius, his grey eyes instantly locking on Remus, who had looked up when the door opened. Amber eyes shone apprehensively at the dark haired boy who was looking at him curiously. “Who’re you?” Sirius asked, stepping into the compartment.
“Remus Lupin,” the boy replied quietly, rising from his seat. “And you are?”
“Sirius,” was the simple reply as he threw himself in the seat across from where Remus had been. Harry stared at his godfather in awe, his face smooth and lightly tanned, his dark locks trimmed neatly and dressed in a simple black T - shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans. He could feel the tears burning at his eyes and he clutched Remus’ hand tighter, receiving a reassuring squeeze from the older man in response.
“I’ve never heard of the Lupin family before,” Sirius was saying. “Are you a pureblood?”
“No,” Remus said, sitting back down. “My mother is a muggle. Is that a problem?”
“Not to me,” Sirius said with a nonchalant shrug. “Do you mind if I sit here? I’m waiting for a friend of mine.”
“No, I don’t mind,” Remus said instantly, picking up his book from the cushions and beginning to read once more. The two of them were silent for a few minutes before Sirius grew fidgety and spoke up.
“What’re you reading?” Remus looked up, surprised.
“Oh . . . Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll.” Sirius frowned and shrugged once more.
“Never heard of it.”
“It’s quite interesting; if you want to read it I’ll lend it to you.”
“That’s alright, I wouldn’t read it,” the dark haired boy said with a grin. Remus gave a hesitant smile before turning back to his book, only to be interrupted again. “Are you a first year?”
“Yes, are you?”
“Yea; I’m glad to be getting away from my parents for awhile,” Sirius said, slouching in the seat and stretching his legs out in front of him, crossing his hands over his stomach.
“You’re not at all nervous?”
“Not really; I’ve been around wizarding things all my life so what do I have to worry about?” Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Are you nervous?” Remus pinked.
“Yes.” Before more could be said the compartment door slid open again and Harry gasped, a tear sliding unbidden from his eye when he saw his father standing in the doorway.
“Sirius, I’ve been wondering where you got to,” James Potter said with a bright smile. His eyes flicked over to Remus as he walked into room, sliding the door closed behind him. “Hello, James Potter,” he said, holding his hand out to the young werewolf. Remus took his hand and shook.
“Remus Lupin.”
“Are you alright, Harry?” the grown Remus asked, looking down at the young man next to him. Harry’s eyes flicked up to him, the emerald irises clouded with tears and pain. “Do you want to leave?”
“Can we see another memory?” Harry whispered, surprising the man.
“Of course. Anything interesting that you have in mind?”
“I want to see when you met my mum.”
“Alright.”
*
The Hogwarts library was practically the same as it was in Harry’s time; towering bookshelves jammed full of tomes, desks spaced throughout the room and torches flickering on the walls. The only difference was the students sitting in the desks and browsing through the many volumes.
Remus was sitting at one of the tables in the back of the library, three books opened and overlapping each other, a pile of closed books near his hand upon which there was a bottle of ink. He was hunched over a roll of parchment with a quill clutched tightly in one hand, his book bag leaning against his chair and open, his fingers tapping nervously on the wooden table as he jotted down his answers.
Harry smiled softly when he saw the boy studying, his robes discarded on the back of his chair and the sleeves of his white shirt unbuttoned and rolled up past his elbows. He watched as the hand that was tapping on the table ran through the light brown hair, staying hidden in the locks as he placed his elbow on the table and leaned against his hand, pulling his quill from the parchment to run the tip of the feather over his lips as he wondered what to write next.
A soft cough drew Harry’s attention from the boy and they both looked up at the small red - haired girl that was standing next to the table, a bag slung over her shoulder and a book held to her chest with one arm. Harry stared at his mother; her hair was down to her shoulders, her eyes; his eyes; were shining brightly at Remus. “Hello,” she whispered, “I was wondering if I could share the table with you?”
“Of course,” Remus said, moving his ink well off the books he wasn’t using before stuffing them in his bag. Lily placed her bag on the table, setting the book that she was carrying down next to it before plopping down in the chair next to Remus.
“I’m Lily; you’re a Gryffindor, aren’t you? In my year?”
“Yes, my name’s Remus.” Lily smiled.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Remus. What are you working on?”
“The essay for Transfiguration,” he answered and the red head beamed.
“I was just about to work on that as well; shall we do it together?” Remus smiled shyly.
“I’d like that.”
“Mum was always nice, wasn’t she?” Harry asked, watching as the two at the table slid their chairs closer together and began to compare notes, opening books and pointing out passages.
“Yes she was,” Remus answered, sliding a comforting arm around the younger wizard’s shoulders. Harry leaned into him, feeling warmth invade his body and his heart flutter softly at the werewolf’s gentle touch. He pushed his feelings away and looked up at the man.
“May I see another memory?”
“Of course Harry, what would you like to see?”
“I dunno . . . anything you want to show me is fine, really.” Remus smiled.
*
They had landed in the Gryffindor boys’ dormitory and Remus was in his bed sleeping, turned on his side and faced away from where they were standing. At the moment he rolled over onto his back and Harry’s breath caught in his throat; the Remus in this memory looked older, almost his age, and was broader and slightly more tanned, his hair disheveled as he slept peacefully, one arm thrown across his eyes and the other resting gently on his stomach.
“What’s this memory?” Harry asked quietly. Remus smiled down at him, giving his shoulders a squeeze.
“Watch.” Harry stared at the young man in the bed, feeling his face heat at the strange beauty young Remus seemed to emanate. Glancing up at the man he was leaning on he saw the same beauty, only it was tarnished with pain; loneliness and sadness that only added to his tragic beauty. Harry’s heart thudded against his chest.
The door to the dormitory opened and Sirius and James appeared, grinning wildly. Harry watched as Sirius gestured to the serenely dozing Remus before dashing towards the four poster, taking a flying leap and transforming into a giant black dog just before he landed heavily on Remus.
“UGH!” the werewolf shouted, his eyes snapping open as he sat up, staring with incredulous eyes at the dog that was resting on his lap. He frowned, turning to look over at the doorway where James stood, closing and locking the door before turning to look at the young man on the bed, beaming.
“James,” Remus said, trying to shove the dog off of him. Sirius would have none of it and he growled playfully, placing his front paws on Remus’s shoulders and licking sloppily at his cheeks, tail thumping against the sheets. “Where did this dog come from?” he asked, trying to push the animal away. James smiled cheekily and Remus narrowed his eyes. “What have you done?”
The dog let out a loud bark that had both of the other boys shushing him instantly and in the next moment Sirius was straddling Remus, a large grin on his handsome face. Remus yelped and would have fallen out of the bed if Sirius hadn’t been sitting on his legs. “SIRIUS?!” he gasped loudly, amber eyes wide with shock. “W - what?” James and Sirius roared with laughter at the look on their friend’s face, Sirius falling backwards onto the bed and clutching his stomach and James gripping the post of a nearby bed.
“Remus,” Sirius said in between his giggles, “you should have seen your face.” Remus, who had been wiping the slobber off of his face left by Sirius, looked up with a glare.
“What have you two done?”
“Not just us two, Peter as well,” James said, flopping down next to his two best friends.
“We’ve become animagus,” Sirius said proudly.
“I can see that,” Remus growled. “Why ever would you risk something so dangerous? I’m certain you didn’t go to Professor McGonagall for help.”
“’Course not!” Sirius said with a scoff. “We did it on our own.”
“Why?!”
“Why else?” James said with a smile. “So we could be with you during the full moon.” Remus’s breath caught in his throat as he stared at his two friends.
“Why would you do that for me?”
“Because we love you,” Sirius said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“Did you love him?” Harry whispered, looking up at his former professor.
“I loved them both,” Remus said, turning his face down to Harry.
“That isn’t the way I - erm - meant it,” Harry replied, his cheeks going pink. Remus flushed.
“I see,” he murmured. “I loved Sirius, yes, but I wasn’t in love with him.”
“Was he in love with you?”
“Why do you ask?”
“I dunno . . . it just seems like he loved you; he said he did.”
“He said that both your father and he loved me.”
“Well, yes but . . .” Remus chuckled and kissed the top of his unruly hair.
“Where to next, Harry?”
*
“Are you sure that you’re okay with me seeing this?” Harry asked. He could feel Remus tense against his side and he slid his arms hesitantly around the werewolf’s slim waist, feeling the older man relax into his embrace and pull him closer.
“Yes,” he answered. “I’m just a little self conscious about anyone seeing me change.”
“I understand,” Harry whispered. The side of Remus’s mouth lifted in a half smile.
“I know you do; if anyone would understand it would be you.”
“What change is this?” Harry whispered after a few moments of silence.
“This is the first one that the others accompanied me on,” Remus said. Harry glanced up at him.
“Would it be alright if I saw your first change after this?” The older man was quiet for a few moments before he nodded.
“Yes, I’ll share that one with you.”
“Thank you.”
The door to the Shrieking Shack opened and Harry watched as Remus came in escorted by Madam Pomfrey. She was holding a pile of clothing, which she walked over to an old chest and placed carefully inside and he was wrapped in a warm wool blanket, his body shivering and a slight sheen of sweat visible on his face.
“How are you doing, Remus?” the nurse asked compassionately, brushing the tawny hair softly out of his face after he sat on the floor. Remus shuddered and recoiled from the touch as if it were painful and whimpered in reply. A squeak from the corner of the room caught their attention and they saw a large grey rat sitting there, sniffing around and glancing at them curiously. Poppy shuddered slightly before turning back to the boy wrapped in the blanket.
“I’ll leave you now, yes? Just after sunrise I’ll come and collect you.” With a last smile she turned and strode from the room, closing the door securely behind her. Remus watched, shuddering, as the rat scurried from the room and he sat by himself for a moment, feeling the sweat trickle down his temple and his back. He let out a piteous moan, clenching his eyes shut and rocking back and forth in nervousness.
The distinct noise of footsteps shuffling outside the door made Remus gasp and tense, trying desperately to move as far away from the door as he could, watching as it opened and James and Sirius came in, followed by the rat that had run from the room.
“Wh - what are you guys doing here?” Remus stuttered. “You could get hurt! You have to leave, now!”
“No worries, Remus,” Sirius said with a bright smile, throwing himself onto the rickety bed that dominated the center of the room. “We have a special ability, remember?”
James fiddled with his watch for a few moments, settling himself down on the dusty floor. “I’ve set the alarm so that we can leave before Pomfrey comes to collect you - we’ll just look like animals running across the grounds.”
“Please,” Remus begged, gripping the blanket so tight in his hands that his knuckles turned white. His voice was rough and his amber eyes seemed to be lit from the inside, shimmering with a feral gold as the moon called to the wolf hidden in him. “Leave.” His friends were silent as they watched him, their eyes clouded with concern as the rat squeaked frighteningly and scuttled across the floor to hide behind James.
Remus shouted, throwing his head back and clenching his eyes shut, the blanket falling from his grasp and revealing pale, scarred flesh. Harry let his breath out quietly as he clung tighter to the man he was holding. He was squeezed back in response. “I’ve never seen it like this before,” Remus admitted quietly. “I’ve always just experienced it.”
“We should change, Padfoot,” James whispered, using the new name for his friend even though his eyes were transfixed on the convulsing boy in front of him.
“Right,” Sirius breathed before shifting seamlessly into the large black dog. James changed into his stag, the regal animal laying on the floor and watching as Remus fell forward so that he was resting on his hands and knees, his body heaving. He screamed loudly, his fingers clenching and his hair falling into his face and Harry watched again as his former professor transformed into a large grey wolf.
Moony sniffed, turning to look at the three animals with a growl. Padfoot whined, laying down and looking up with soft slate eyes. The wolf sniffed, ears twitching curiously and Harry glanced up at Remus. “What were you thinking?”
“I can’t remember much since it was before the Wolfsbane, but I think it was ‘Mine. My pack, my friends, don’t harm them.’” Harry nodded and turned back, watching as Moony and Padfoot rolled around happily together, Prongs stamping his hooves in excitement and Wormtail, situated on the stag’s head, squeaked in joy.
“Do you want to see my first change now?” Remus asked. Harry frowned and was still for a few moments. “Not right now, there’s something else I want to see first.”
“What?”
“My parent’s wedding.”
*
“Moony, what are you doing out there?” James asked, bright smile lighting up his features. He was dressed in a crisp black tuxedo, his ebony locks as unruly as ever and his eyes dancing with happiness behind his glasses. He was gesturing to Remus, who was hovering in the background with some of the other guests, hands stuffed in the pockets of his dark brown suit, his tawny hair falling into his eyes as he shuffled from one foot to the other.
“Come here, Remus,” Lily said, waving him forwards with her bouquet. She looked a vision in a pure white off the shoulder dress, her red curls flowing gently over her slim shoulders.
“She looked beautiful, didn’t she?” Remus whispered. Harry nodded absently, watching as the younger version of Remus shuffled forward bashfully and slid an arm around James’ waist, smiling softly at the photographer.
“You did too,” he added, glancing up. Surprised amber eyes locked with hesitant emerald green and they were tense for a few beats before Remus smiled.
“Thank you,” Remus said, brushing some of Harry’s hair from his forehead. He caressed the lightening scar on his forehead gently, his brows furrowing as he stared at it. “It’s amazing to me,” he said quietly.
“What?” Harry breathed, his heart thudding painfully and his pulse fluttering wildly from the touch.
“No matter how much you look like your father, you’re so different from him,” he answered, dropping his hand and smiling down at the dark haired boy. Harry grinned back, turning to look at the memory once more and watching as his mother and father danced slowly, hands laced together as they turned in place. Soon other couples came onto the floor and Harry laughed as he watched Sirius tug a struggling Remus out, wrapping the thrashing lycanthrope in his arms and twirling exaggeratingly around until they were next to the newlyweds.
The memory slowly dissolved and Harry turned back at Remus. “Can I see your first transformation now?”
“Yes, but there is something you should see before that.”
*
“Remus, make sure you stay in the yard, alright Love?” A petite woman called from the doorway of a quaint cottage. She had the same tawny hair Remus had and it was pulled into a French braid, a white apron pulled over her blue dress.
“Okay,” a little Remus said, smiling a bright little kid’s smile at his mother.
“I’ll call you in when supper’s ready,” Mrs. Lupin finished, going back into the house and closing the door behind her. Little Remus, who looked about six with bright eyes and chubby cheeks, dawdled over to a small sandbox situated near the white picket fence that surrounded the property, climbing in and reaching for the shovel and pail that was sitting in the sand.
Harry watched as the little boy played, the shadows lengthening as the sun began to set. The gate opened and he saw a man with dark brown hair and Remus’s eyes step through, a large smile lighting his face when he saw the boy in the sandbox.
“Remy!” he called and Remus turned, beamed, and abandoned his toys and ran towards him.
“Daddy!” he called, giggling with joy as his dad swooped him into his arms raised him into the air, swinging him around before bringing him back to his chest.
“What are you doing out here? Where’s mommy?”
“Cooking,” Remus answered, squirming in the embrace. His father set him down and Remus tugged at his hand, pulling him over to the play box.
“What have you got here, Remy?”
“Will you help me build a sandcastle?” Remus asked. His dad smiled brightly and mussed his hair.
“Of course.” Pulling out his wand the two of them set to work, building an elaborate castle with the help of magic. Night fell, the moon rising high and full as they worked, and Harry suddenly had a horrible feeling as he watched, eyes flicking around to the trees that surrounded the property, the light breeze rustling the leaves. He swallowed heavily.
“John,” Mrs. Lupin called from the doorway of the house. Remus’s father looked up and smiled, waving to his wife. “When did you get home dear?”
“A bit ago, I’ve just been building a sandcastle with Remy,” he answered, standing and brushing off his robes. Remus stood up next to him, taking his father’s hand and following him as they headed towards the house.
A growl sounded, low and menacing and John tensed, scanning the trees around the house. “Daddy?” Remus asked when his dad stopped, gripping his wand tightly in his hand.
“Remus, go to your mum. Amy, you and Remy get in the house and lock the doors,” he instructed, pushing his son towards where his wife was. Confused, he followed his dad’s words, heading towards his mom when the wolf burst from between the trees, fur bristling and hackles raised, yellow eyes insane and rimmed with red. Remus fell backwards and landed on his bottom, staring up in terror at the creature bearing down at him, saliva dripping from sharp, evil teeth that glinted in the moonlight.
“Remy!” Amy cried, rushing forward.
“Amy, NO!” John shouted before shouting a disarming curse at the werewolf. The animal went flying and he rushed forward, yanking his son up by the arm as the family bounded towards the house, desperate to get inside.
With a howl the werewolf slammed into John, sending the man thudding to the ground in a daze and Remus tumbling from his grasp. Amy turned, screaming as she watched the werewolf sink its teeth into her son’s side.
“REMUS!” Harry shouted, his heartbeat thundering in his ears as he watched the animal shake its head, the frail little boy shrieking in his jaws before tossing him off to the side like a rag doll.
“No, Remus!” Mrs. Lupin sobbed, running to her son and collapsing next to him, uncaring of the snarling animal that stared at her, muzzle wet with her baby’s blood. John moaned, crawling over to his family and pointing his wand at the wolf that jumped back over the fence and disappeared into the night before he could do anything.
Harry stood next to the boy lying in the grass, pain filled moans coming from his lips and tears streaking down his flushed cheeks. “Amy, go to the fire place and Floo St. Mungos,” Mr. Lupin said, brushing the tawny hair from his son’s forehead. “Now. GO!” His mother stood and rushed to the house, crying loudly.
“Hold on Remy,” John whispered his voice distant as the memory blurred into another. Harry turned, looking at his former professor who stood quietly behind him, hands behind his back and eyes downcast.
“Remus,” he breathed, going over to him and wrapping his arms around the man’s waist. The werewolf melted into his embrace, sliding his arms around his shoulders and burying his face in the unruly jet black hair. “I’m so sorry.”
“It was a long time ago,” the man replied. “There wasn’t anything anyone could do.” He kissed the top of the younger boy’s head. “I’ll show you my first change now.”
*
“Daddy? Why was mommy crying? Why do I have to go into this big cage?” Little Remus asked curiously, looking up at his dad with wide curious and trusting eyes.
“Mommy just doesn’t feel good right now, Remus,” his dad responded, closing the door to the large cage that his son was in. He padlocked it, pulled out his wand and added a strong locking charm to the already warded bars. He looked down at his son, his blue eyes tearing as he thought about what his little boy was going to go through.
“Daddy, you’re crying too,” Remus observed. “Why?” He was wrapped in a blanket, shivering in the cold air in the dark room that they were in.
“I’m so sorry Remy,” his dad whispered, falling to his knees and grabbing onto the bars, resting his forehead against them as the tears skidded down his cheeks. “I’m so sorry that I couldn’t protect you.”
He watched as his son jerked, his face turning red as he began to tremble. “I don’t feel very good, Daddy. Can I go lie down?” There was no answer as he fell to his knees, crying as pain pooled in his abdomen and spread out, ripping through his body and making him scream.
Harry watched as the little boy curled into his self, convulsing on the floor as his limbs lengthened, his screams changing to howls as his face changed shape and a muzzle grew, grey fur sprouting, a long tail emerging. His dad sat back as the wolf growled and snarled, amber eyes feral as he slammed his body against the bars of the cage again and again. “I’m so sorry, Remy,” he moaned, burying his face in his hands and sobbing as he listened to the howl that echoed around him.
“Are you ready to go back?” Remus asked and Harry nodded, feeling the pull as they were lifted from the memory and ended up back on his bed at Grimmauld Place.
*
“Are you alright, Harry?” Remus watched as Harry sat propped up against the headboard, his knees drawn to his chest and his arms wrapped around them as he stared at nothing.
“It isn’t fair,” the young man answered after an extended silence.
“What isn’t fair?”
“What happened to you.” He turned sad emerald eyes onto the man in front of him. Remus gave him a slightly bitter smile in response.
“Life isn’t fair,” he said. “If it was you would still have your parents and Sirius.”
“So would you,” Harry whispered.
“Yes,” Remus said just as quietly, looking towards the floor. Silence fell again, the torches casting flickering shadows across the two on the bed, the creaking sounds of the house settling echoing around them.